When Its All Said And Done

Very very tired now. The past three days have involved me sleeping an average of 4 hrs per night, and standing around for almost 10 hrs per day. Was volunteering myself as an usher at the Eagles Communiations Leadership Conference. It was the only way I could have gone for the conference, since to register as a delegate would set me back abt about 350 bucks.

Yes, its super expensive.

But the last three days have really been something. 2 years ago, I was doing the same thing, and I was actually more attentive to the messages rather than busy really doing ushering duties. This time round although I was never able to sit through a whole message at all, I guess with the topics that were discussed, which were very much things on my heart about ministry, I really enjoyed myself very much. I seldom feel this way or say this, but the last three days I really felt God was speaking to me, and saying a lot to me about my state of service to Him, and examining it together with the state of my heart towards Him.

Was a really pleasant surprise to hear the song 'When Its All Said And Done" sung at the conference. It's not the most popular song in Singapore, but one which Henry and I hold very very dear. Its significance wasn't lost on me also, the lyrical content again echoing what God's been saying to me. Its actually a really simple song, with a very simple message. But timeless and true.

I guess a lot of things that were covered weren't very profound truths, but I suppose the difference is that when you hear it from a speaker, it sets off your mind thinking. But when you feel God Himself using the message to speak to you, your heart starts resonating. And its been so long since I've felt my heart beating with the anticipation of God's voice. The lessons were very simple ones too, and often issues I've been thinking about for a long time now. Hearing it from the pulpit on the one hand affirmed my own deliberations of these concerns, and on the other hand forced me to recognize that even by my own standards (God's standards notwithstanding), I still fall so terribly short.

Mark Chan preached about leadership grace, and how a leader modelled after Christ is one with that eternal faithfulness and commitment towards building up lives, instead of being quick to confront and tear down. Richard Mouw spoke at large of a christianity that needs to permeate into the existential reality of the world outside of the church boundaries, and to begin living out the love of Christ in it, 'that they may know we are His disciples by our love". He made a really interesting comment about how we mix things up so easily, by talking about "integrating our faith into our work". He reminded us that we integrate the smaller into the larger, not the other way round. In other words, we ought to think in terms of "integrating work into our faith", and remind ourselves that our faith ought to be the over-arching canvas upon which we place and align the other things in our lives. Em Griffiths spoke about forgiveness and building relationships, and I thought he was just about the best I've ever heard before on a subject such as this.

Can't wait for the CDs to be shipped in. Lots of stuff I missed, that I think I really would want to hear.

Grins. In the meantime, tmr's another long long day. Early day too. SMU prayer walk at 0930 in the morning.

Help.

Sunrise, Sunset

I just watched both Before Sunrise and Before Sunset in one sitting. And I absolutely L-O-V-E-D it. I guess I've always enjoyed the dialogue in movies more than the special effects, and I thought this was just a brilliantly put together movie. And I don't just say it because Julie Delpy was enchanting.

The dialogue, the setting (Paris), the whole romantic ideals that they discussed... it kindda reminded me of Spanglish. How two soulmates somehow met, yet never could really get anywhere.

I just read A Divine Romance by Gene Edwards in one sitting also. I thought he very beautifully portrayed the whole picture of God's plan of salvation. Of course, the more theologically prudish would be a little uncomfortable at some of the things he suggested, but if you just appreciate the whole romance behind God's great love for humankind, and the plan He had to put together to save us... I thought the pathos alone was enough to knock me off my feet.

Its been a very good day for me. Worked out at the gym with Xianghui, and spent some quality time with him also. With the book and the two movies, its been a couple of days getting in touch with my emotions.

At the risk of over-doing it, I really really wanna say how much I enjoyed the dialogue in both movies. You know how there were always a lot of things you felt but could never put into words till someone came along and said it, and it all suddenly fell into place? Well, I was having that one moment after another throughout the movie.

Hehz... rarely do I pass an evening in such a good mood. This is one of them.

Grins.

Warning - Long Entry

Mm, so much has happened in the week leading up till tonight, that I haven’t had time to chronicle any of it down. Until now. And of course, perfect sense of timing that some brats have, spoiling the fun of reading a book and all, decided to request that I post on the every night I meant to do so.

Ah well. Shall not disappoint my stalkers/fans, nevertheless.

Grins.

I just wrapped up a worship session for nearly 400 youths on sat, at True Way Presbyterian Church. It was a Presbyterian Community Service flag day event, and I was co-leading with a youth pastor from the ORPC English congregation, Pastor Amos. The full band was provided by True Way, and I guess for me it was a first working with a full band, a first time leading in front of so many people, and the first time I’ve worked with anyone else in the whole band. Tho ironically, after the who event was over, I realized that my lead musician, Vincent, was a batch mate of Paul in the Navy, as well as a friend of Serene’s in SMU. Small world indeed.

Well, the rehearsals were pretty tedious, and quite an experience for me, esp since it was my first time working with a full band, and I was totally unfamiliar with their working style. It was all pretty tiring too, since most of them were so young. Hard to catch up with their boundless energy la. Practiced on tue and thus night. Coupled with my lessons on mon and wed, it totally burnt my whole week nights.

But the event turned out pretty well in the end. I had lots of fun, and it was pretty cool seeing so many youths from the Presbyterian circle (both English and Chinese) showing up to do this thing together.

Attended a briefing also for the Eagles Communications Leadership Conference, which will take place next week. Really really looking forward to it. 2 years ago, the one I attended left impressions in me that still remain to this day. This time round, I’ll be accompanied by Xiying, Simon and Xianghui. So it must be fun. Grins.

On sat we had our DM graduation tea. We finally managed to somehow claw our way past the first season of DM, and I thought it all went very well. Lots of people have worked their socks off for this, and them some. So of course, with impeccable timing, now that its finally over and she can afford it, Weixiu fell sick. She’s really given it her all. But I think she did really well. Very proud of her. Its been a long time since we produced such a juicy sugar cane.

Muahahahahahahahaha…

After the grad tea, we adjourned to Bernice’s place for worship practice. SERENE leading worship for the FIRST TIME!!! Hehz… Ah well. I think its always so exciting to see someone else step up to the challenge to lead. The Levite Ministry is actually a very very difficult ministry in that not only are those who can stand up on stage to lead few and far between, there’s also the issue of whether or not those who can would be an appropriate choice or not. Or whether or not the person is available. So after having slogged out in the ministry with Bernice and Henry for so long now, with no reprieve anywhere in sight, I don’t think Serene has any idea just how much of an encouragement it is to me to see someone standing up to avail herself to serve. Considering that amongst this unholy trinity of the boy, the girl and the big lightbulb, I already have the least to do by far, I can only guess how much more exhausted Henry and Bernice must feel, and what a toll it is having on their work, family, and their relationship.

Anyway, Serene did really well today. And I’m not just saying it cos it’s the nice thing to say, or cos she reads this blog. I really think she did very well for her maiden attempt. Of course, all the stress that was on her face before the worship itself aside, I thought she really prepared very hard for this session. And it showed. Compared to how much I was babbling in my first YEAR on the stage cos of my nervousness, I was really impressed with her. Grins.

Another potential juicy sugar cane….

Muahahahahahaha…

This week I’ve also managed to squeeze in lunch with Weimin and Serene on 2 separate days. Was supposed to meet Henry too, but he fell sick as well. Sigh. A little worried for him now, cos he’s due on a mission trip with New Heart this tue, and he’s in pretty bad shape.

On fri night, I attended a Chinese Orchestra concert by RGS. My cousin’s swan performance. Next year she’ll be in RJC. Kids grow up so damn fast sometimes. I still remember her as a baby, when she was first born. Well, first of all my parents got the venue mixed up. We drove over to RJC, and my mom told me to hop out of the car to ask where the KS Chee theatre is. After asking abt 3 grps of students who all looked at me like I just landed from Mars, and said they had no idea where that place was, I smelt a rat. So I went back to get the tickets, and to my utter exasperation, it said “RGS KS Chee Theatre”. Wrong School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My champion mother strikes again.

So we somehow managed to rush over still. The concert was awful man. The standard of the RGS CO has dropped so much. But ironically, one of the few things that were better was the fact that in 3 years, this is the first time I’ve heard a percussionist who was better than Grace. This girl was absolutely phenomenal. But obviously, she wasn’t a local la. PRC.

I’ve discovered a new low in my life. DOTA with Artificial Intelligence. Gives a whole new dimension of fun to DOTA at home. Hehz… Help.

*takes a deep breath*

Mm, that’s a lot of things in one entry already. But one last thing.

I thought today’s sermon by Zhang Mu Shi’s was the best I’ve heard in a long long while. He spoke on an unhealthy low self-esteem, and he contrasted it humility. While I don’t deny that I have serious, serious issues with low self-esteem, I guess the most pertinent manifestation is always my chronic lack of confidence in myself. I dun really suffer from too much jealousy pangs, too much time wallowing in self-pity and self-abasement (at least not so much nowadays), but anytime it comes to asserting myself and wondering if I have what it takes, my first and almost overpowering instinct is to tell myself that I can’t do it, or that I’m not worthy.

So today’s message gave me a lot to think about.

Whether or not I’ll really be able to aim for a Master’s degree eventually, and actually feel that it’s a realistic target that I can therefore whole-heartedly work towards it. Whether or not I can shed my excess pounds and actually be fit again. Whether or not I’ll ever dare to believe that a girl whom I worship will actually be able to love me back. Or whether or not I’ll be able to do better than in my last relationship, or if I’ll just screw things up again. Whether or not I can stand up and fill the gap left by my sis once she’s married.

So many questions that need answering. And everytime I answer myself in the negative, it just becomes more and more overwhelming. I compare myself with people doing their Master’s degree, and I think I dun have half their brains. I look at people who are really fit, and I dun think I’ll ever get there. I look at the guys around me and I see so many whom I think I’d choose instead of myself if I were a girl. I look to my sis and I think she’s irreplaceable. And I guess most of the time when I sit down and brood, its always these same old questions that rises to the surface. I give these thoughts enough airtime and I find myself sinking into depression.

I guess I know what I need to be focusing on in my next personal retreat. Grins. Supposed to ask Henry during his one week leave if he’ll want to go East Coast with me to do my personal retreat.

Really looking forward to it, actually. Been a while since I last spent time with God alone.

Modem's Working Again!!!

I'm finally back.

My modem's been out for some time, and after that its been a crazy time of replying some overdue emails.

Sigh.

Anyway, so much has happened, I dun even know where to begin.

By right its been a really great week. Met up with Paul on tue for my birthday dinner, where we pigged out at Fish & Co. Had another feast on fri at Shangrila's The Line, a new international buffet restaurant that promises to bring your waistLINE to new horizons. On thus I met up with the worship team in True Way Presbyterian Church to work on a combined worship. Saturday was Charlotte's 21st birthday party. And just tonight I had a pretty good run.

Yet in midst of all this, the whole thing abt Sho dying somehow still bugged me. The last email I received before my modem crashed was Jody sharing abt his prayer request for the message he was to give at Sho's memorial. Naturally, the first message I looked for my mails came in, was how the memorial went. And I guess its always moving to see how an occasion like a funeral could cause so much hope to arise out of people. Nevertheless, something abt the knowledge of how death has hit someone whom I know, no matter how remote, always seem to have affect me. Especially when it hits someone so young. I mean, someone's grandparents who passed away... that I can understand. And somehow the week passed by with just that hint of a cloud over me, and a rather sober mood that tempered all the fun I was having.

Anyway, today during the sermon, something that my pastor was saying just triggered my thoughts, about how love so often really does run contrary to reason. It was like a mini epiphany, sitting there and almost half dozing off (Wasn't the sermon. I was, for some strange reason, exceedingly tired.) when that one line he said suddenly triggered the train of thought.

I guess the guiding principle I try to live my life by is that love has to fly in the face of reason to a pretty large extent, in order to distinguish itself from mere pragmatism and reason. When a mother looks at an errant child and chooses to still believe in him despite recognizing and acknowledging his misdeeds... that's how we know the depth of the mother's love. Something that flies in the face of all conventional wisdom, that stay "in spite of all this, I will...".

And mebbe that's the hardest part of love. Both the giving of it, as well as in the taking of it. When someone you really cared about lets you down, or disappoints you, not only are you expected to forgive, you're expect to walk the second mile, and give back exactly the same level of trust as you did before, often in the knowledge that you will only be hurt in exactly the same way over and over again. On the flipside, knowing how undeserving you are of someone's love, you tend to run away, so as to not run the risk of disappointment if you are indeed not offered that gift you so long and crave for.

Strangely enough, that was the main message I took home from the sermon. Cos it was actually a minor point that my pastor was making. Yet it served to remind me again of the unconditional love we're all called to lavish on one another. My birthday was a time when I saw very tangibly the care and love I've been privileged to have been on the receiving end of, and of which I've tried to return in kind on the days leading up to my next birthday. Yet loving each other is so easy when its expressed with ice-cream, feasts, and just good times spent with one another. The harder part is to still be looking out for each other when we're so bogged down by our own burdens and concerns that everything else gets overshadowed.

Something tells me our ministry honeymoon is coming to an end, and things are gonna start to become more and more challenging. I pray that this will be a reminder that I keep myself anchored to, that our ministry will always be based on love for one another instead of on agendas. The onus is on me to not only learn to love those who labour with me, but to also learn to love reciprocally, that I learn to expect and accept being loved by them.

Grins.

I know it sounds really easy.

But its hard for me.

My Routine Ramblings

What makes a good discipler? Was talking to Caleb till pretty late last night, as we sat up talking about church leadership. He had come down to cell yesterday to visit us, and to catch a feel of how things are over here. And I guess there was plenty of food for thought for him, as he sat through 2 hrs plus of our cell session. Esp so since our cell was supposed to be one of the most responsive cell.

We talked abt pple like Kangwei and Renji, Zhang Mu Shi, Benson, Enci tuanqi and their policy of isolation. I guess lots of us realise that something is gravely wrong when one of the church ministry has decided to cut themselves off so much from the rest, and the irony of each side at the same time preaching unity in the body in the context of their own surroundings. And yet we both seem so intent on focusing on the small picture that justifies our stand, while ignoring the big picture, where its so obvious that all is not well in the church...

Was telling Caleb that it seems that when we try to move to address the issue, Enci only miscontrues it an attempt to wrestle back political clout, and is thus met with a whle lot of suspicion and resistance and very little good comes out of trying. So obviously that aproach doesn't work. Yet I guess if we are the ones that see the problem, the onus is on us to try to resolve it. And at the moment, all we can do is pray.

Which brings us to the second issue, of how the Core Group used to fulfill that exact purpose, of getting everyone inside the group to be praying about some of the main issues the church is dealing with. And it really worked. It drew a whole lot us who were pretty scattered, into a more focused state of prayer, and then of service. Everyone was a lot more like-minded. Yet over time, the core group seems to have evolved yet again into a task force group, where we spend more time discussing issues than praying, and more time pressing agendas and programs rather than to fellowship. It really disturbing how insidiously this "corporate culture" creeps into the midst of any community, even when the starting intent was good.

I look at how much Kangwei is feeling the pressure from both our side to do the SMU project, and on Enci's side to commit to their fellowship, and I really feel that we've forgotten to love Kangwei already. It really really somehow pains me to see someone who starts out with a love for both God and His ministry end up as a pawn in the eagerness for us to push programs, as well as our plans and agendas. That day some of us agreed that we should talk to Kangwei, and get him to think through carefully what does he really have a burden to do in the next few years. If SMU really isn't on his agenda, then we will help him to say no to Zhang Mu Shi if need be. His well-being must take precedence over any ministry we are trying to launch.

Yet somehow, its been two weeks already since our discussion, and we've not found time, nor made time to talk to him.

Sigh.

It really can be so hard to love someone.

Caleb's pretty troubled by all these things that we see, and discussed. Yet in so many ways we are so helpless to do anything about it at all. There's a part of us that knows we leave it to God in prayer, the things that we are anxious about. Yet there's also that over-riding drive to do something, which I think is a very natural state one will be in if one really gives a damn at all. And I guess all I could say to him at the end of the day is to watch himself and not take on too much. Because this cosmic sugar-cane presser can really be such a terror sometimes, that turns the best of intentions. and the best of hearts, into a tired, worn-out and emotionally scarred victim.

Moving on to something lighter, yesterday some of the guys celebrated my birthday for me. Gabriel (SOOOO proud of him) actually went to buy me a Ryan Giggs miniature from the Reds Shop for me. It was a noble gesture for two reasons - that a Liverpool fan would actually step into a Reds Shop to buy Man Utd Memorabilia for me, and also that its a valiant attempt to stave off the bankruptcy that is almost guaranteed for the Red Devils. Hehz... Well, if not the practical value of the gift, I sure appreciated the sentiment behind it.

Grins.

I managed to get away from all their sabo-ing in church... even managed to buy dinner for some of them, something I actually really wanted to do. But then I still ended up with cream on my face. Literally. It started with an innocent suggestion to go eat ice-cream at Swenson's, since the birthday boy gets a free sundae. And that idea ended up with the whipped cream on my sundae appearing on my face, as well as on Der Biao's video phone.

Sigh. So much for dodging my birthday sabo.

Ah well. All in good fun I guess. Grins. I better not get an outbreak now on my face man... Muahahahahahaha... Imagine my horror if I suffered an outbreak... and bumped into Fiona!!!!

Ah well. If wishing made it so... I'd be a multi-millionaire then, and driving my girlfriend around in my Mini Cooper.

In the meantime, Bus 167 and my swing at the park shall suffice to take their place, I guess.

Grins.

My Happy Karma

Had a pretty good day today with Xianghui, just catching up abt stuff in church, as well as with each other. Were also just sharing abt lotsa things, and overall had a pretty good afternoon. Oh and in case you're wondering, we were at the gym. Not in a cafe. Of course, its also like what I tell Jingliang "When Xianghui and I go to the gym, its more to hang-out than to work-out."

Hehz...

Still, I had a pretty comprehensive work-out today. Totally expecting to ache like nobody's business tmr... Which, is when I will start on my next part-time project... Again back at Cougar warehouse. Hilarious thing is, this time round I roped Simon in to help out, and he was made 2 i/c. Muahahahahahaha... I told Ruth - "See how powerful and influencial I can be? Simon asked if I had any lobang for a job, and I got him a job as a 2 i/c on a project."

Tee hee.

Cheap thrill.

Ah well. Who cares...

At night we had a session of DotA. First round my team lost cos we were out-numbered la. Later when we balanced out the numbers, we totally owned the game. Hehz... Poor Joseph Sim took a beating like none he ever suffered before. Wuahahahahaha...

Lalalala...

Mm, my birthday's coming up oredi. I'm really really really hoping no one makes a fuss outta it. It used to be great when you're 17, that people all remember your birthdays. At 26 yrs old, its just embarrassing. Birthday songs and all... And its gonna be the Love Feast in church this sunday, right smack on the same day. Sigh. I know there are some out there who will accuse me of being thick skinned, but I seriously hope my name doesn't crop up at all during service and during the Love Feast after that man...

Cell group... well they better remember that its my birthday la.

Muahahahahaha...

And I'm looking forward to my dinner with the jogging club after that. Tee hee...

Anyway, someone messaged me that she's feeling very sad tonight, for some reason or other... And she usually won't say why one la. But still, I know this is a song she likes, and its a happy song. I messaged her that I'll pray my happy karma reaches her, so here's the song... if she does tune in, then my happy karma did reach her.

Muahahahahaha...

I Feel Like Feeling Sad...

Another weekend passes by. It was a pretty interesting evening at Serene's place, for the customary joggers. Simon's first time jogging with us, I believe. Ruth's first also. And it almost became Yenn Chuen's first time as well. Too bad he couldn't make it in the end. Also, it was one of the very very rare times, if not the first, where we didn't go back to the house to watch TV after dinner, but instead chose to sit around the dinner table, and to just talk and share. I guess we all are feeling the strain of ministry. Not just ours, but everyone's. Those past, present, and those we see on the track to burnout and fallout. The time was pretty poignant, as we shared about our concerns. I guess under these periods of stress, a lot of emotions are evoked.

The anger and frustration at things we see that aren't going well, or that aren't right, which we normally would have been better able to curb. The past hurts that come to mind again, triggered by the sight of someone going down that well-worn path we've tread before. The grief as we see those who bear such heavy burdens for whom we can do nothing except pray.

Lots of things came out that night. And I'm glad. That some of us in the core team can meet up, and be sharing and praying not just about ministry, but specifically about the people in ministry. Too often we've heard the theory, acknowledged how wrong it is, but still persisted in it, that the church sacrifices its people for the sake of ministry. That so many christans who start out eager and willing end up burnt out and hurt by a system that relentlessly takes from them, when its supposed to be nurturing, loving and giving. Ravi Zacharias once said in a book that the church is the only army that shoots its wounded. And how sadly right he is. I think at one level, Henry and I managed to really draw close cos we dentified so well with each other during our time of pain. The hurt, the confusion and the overall agony of feeling abandoned and betrayed. Well, at least I speak for myself.

I thank God that we've managed to overcome it at a certain level, and have returned stronger, and better equipped to help someone else go through the path that we tread. Yet at some level, the pain never really goes away. The scars are still there. Therein lies the greatest tragedy. Just as there are some words that can never be taken back once they're said out loud, esp to those whom we love, it is precisely so that some hurts in our lives will always be there to stay. They may lessen, and we may be less overcome by it, yet it still lingers.

Haunts.

I guess I'm reminded that as our ministry grows, we should not end up falling into the same trap, and be the progenitors of that which we once abhored. Our love for each other must always be unconditional. The day we reserve our absolute support and love only for those who have chosen to walk the same path as us, and invest their lives in the exact same goals as ours, then we've lost the love we were called to have already. And that's so hard. When someone I care for chooses to involved their lives in something else apart from that which I've invested my time in, its so easy to subconciously take it personally, and feel rejected. And to therefore withdraw my love.

Hopefully some time later down the minstry, I'd return to this post, and remind myself again.

Learn to be careful in choosing whom you love, Peng. And once you've decided, make sure the love you give is always unconditional. For that is the kind of love that has been given you, and the only love that is deserving of the One who gave it to you.

Unconditional.

That's my watchword for the week.

Ah well. Its been a long day... and I'm kindda tired. Its one of those days where I'm actually alright. I just... feel like... being sad. I dunno. I have (quite a lotta) days when I actually dun wanna feel happy. I wanna tone down, and be a little more depressed. When I dun feel like being happy. So I indulge in sad songs. Depressing songs. Haunting songs. Songs of regret, loss, pain. Kindda like how I like rain cos its so depressing.

Hehz...

Therefore the song that now plays. I really loved the lyrics when I first heard this oldie. Somehow it captures so well the sheer helplessness to do anything about his emotions, his frustration and his impotence at trying to help himself.

An excellent song, in fact.

Grins.

Enjoy.

For Sho

"Dear friends,
Today at around 2:30PM, Sho Ishii passed away.
All along he had been doing so well. And today Kaoru said that he was singing praise songs and dancing. But then he got a stomach pain and just a few minutes later, he lost consciousness. The doctors worked hard to revive him, but they couldn't. Kaoru was there with him and Seiji got there just in time to see him before he passed on. Kaoru said, "Papa is here," Sho opened his eyes one last time and that was it.
The official report is that Sho died from heart failure from complications of pneumonia. But they really don't know what happened. Everyone was shocked. I helped Seiji at the hospital. The nurse in charge led us to the room where Sho was and there were two rows of nurses around Sho; they were weeping. It was a moving moment. Everyone loved Sho because Sho loved everyone and was such a bright shining light in his ward.
Please uphold Seiji, Kaoru and Saki."




Life can really be so unpredictable. Its one of the classical cliches, that somehow always still manges to catch us by surprise whenever it throws one of its twists into our lives.

I had a really really good day yesterday, all in all. Right until I went home to read the email about how Seiji's son, Sho, suddenly passed away from complications of pneumonia. He contracted leukemia a couple of years ago, and had only recently undergone bone-marrow transplant. Everything was looking good, and there were plans to release him from the hospital, when he suddenly developed stomach pains, then he was gone in moments. He had just turned 5 two weeks ago.

Seiji has been one of the only people from Nagoya I still pray for, ever since I learnt about Sho. I get regular updates from Jody about the ministry there, and I keep up, every now and then praying for them when there's a need. But I had made a point to try and consistently keep Sho in prayer. So it comes as twice a shock and blow to learn that he's passed away so suddenly.

Guess we can only pray for Seiji's family now, that God will bring them His peace and comfort after their period of mourning, and that they will be able to continue to trust His heart.