Family Matters

The past 4 months, my mom has been on a long-term MC due to her kneee condition. That means both my parents have been home, more or less in retirement mode. Living with two old people at home... well, most people will tell you that one old person at home is usually cause for a fair amt of trouble already. And since both my parents are actually more than old enough to be grandparents, I guess that well means I have some basis of justification for trying to NOT be at home all day long, even when I actually can.

Parents are always such a mystery. Its really rare luck when someone gets a pair of very understanding ones. Most parents are at best very nice to their children. Lots of them aren't even nice. Many hit their children, exploit them, abuse them emotionally, or neglect them.

I guess I'm not trying to be an ingrate when I feel that there're a lotta things I wished my parents would be. I do think they've been as nice as I could ever have asked for. Really accommodating, really helpful, and have never really sought to put me down deliberately. So what exactly's been my beef with them?

I feel that in my family, I'm very much the odd one out. Whereas everyone else in my family are by nature more rational, I'm more emotional. I'm nowhere near as pragmatic as my sis, my mom or heck, even my dad. And I guess that's always been something my family could never accept. Sure enough, they've never derided me for it. But I've never been affirmed before as well, for just who I am, and my strengths in my own right. My parents always saw my lack of pragmatism as a lack of maturity, and thus I've always been the one whose opinion never carries much weight in the family, even on those occasions when I've been proven right in my assesment instead of theirs.

And that pisses me off no end. I think I've mentioned before that I'm someone who thrives on trust. The more you show you trust me, the more I'm motivated to earn your trust, and be worthy of it. Show me that you dun trust me, and I start feeling I shd let you be on the receiving end of your perception of me.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are very very nice to me. Paul would readily attest to that fact, and agree with me. And I'm grateful. Very grateful. But after a certain point in time, I guess I want more. I would have traded their pampering for a little more understanding, a little more empathy. After all, I'm not looking for a servant. I'm looking for my parents. The ones who nurtured me, who shows that they can keep up with me, and accept me for who I've turned out to be. Who tries to understand me for who I am, instead of hanging on to a certain ideal of who they hope I'd be, and just be nice to me in the hope that one day I'd turn into their ideal.

After a while, it becomes really tiring to try to measure up to their expectation, while being true to who I really am. The brush offs at home when I offer my opinion becomes more marked, and more and more I feel a sense of detachment from the family. Nobody seems to be interested in listening to what I have to say, but only interested in telling me how things ought to be. Whether it be decisions on serving in church ever since I was in secondary school, to my choice of studies in NUS, to whether or not I shd drive the family car... its always been their opinion against mine. And everytime I make a decision to do what I wanna do instead of what they think I shd do, their perception of me as having made an immature decision is very palpable.

And also very disappointing.

And such has also been clearly seen in the weight of my opinion in the decisons of my sister's wedding. The only times I've been asked to be involved was to run errands for her. I had no idea she was getting married till waaaay after the decision was made, I had no idea where the wedding was gonna be held, or which hotel was it gonna be, or whatever info abt the wedding. pple think I'm just being evasive when I say I don't know any details, but the fact is, I'm usually one of the last to know.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not pissed abt that. It means less work for me anyway.

But I guess the fact that in two months' time, after my sis gets married, I'm gonna be living with two old people who used to depend very much on my sister's opinion and judgement of things. And the last thing I wanna hear would be the many subtle innuendos of "how your sis used to do things, and you shd therefore follow suit". Cos that would surely piss me off.

As it is now, I've stopped driving the family car since it results in so much conflict with my dad. But my whole family now has the impression that I'm just the spoilt brat picking a fight with my dad and trying to make things difficult.

*slaps forehead*

Ah well. There's really no way to win against an impression. Do ten thousand things right to try and swing things your way, it still only takes one wrong thing to affirm their long held opinion of you from the start. And I feel that's what I'm up against, once my sister marries and I'll have to face them both by myself.

Shit man.

Talk abt not looking forward to the day.

I think around that time I'd be seriously thinking abt signing on with the SAF Navy, and request to be posted long-term on a ship. Grins. Or to be posted to an Army in-camp unit. Whatever it takes to be away from my source of antagonism.

How? How????? How??????? How?????????????

Wala Wala

So the weekend's here again. Juz finished rushing out two essays this week to be submitted. Sigh. Getting a little too old for essays and papers already.

Juz went to Wala Wala tonight with Syl and Jingliang. Rather coincidental, since I juz asked Paul this morning when we were at Holland V if he liked the place. Ah well. There was one of those rock bands that were on for the night. I liked the band, if not the singers. They played really well, actually. Had a couple of good songs too. Unfortunately the singing was somewhat of a let-down. Nevertheless, I think it was a good night's out. Been an incredibly long while since I ever went out like that already. Don't think I've even done it with Paul before.

I do enjoy the music. But one goes back from such performances feeling a little drained. Both physically and emotionally. But one band I'm increasingly beginning to like is like the one right now, from Damien Rice. Yes, the one who did the great "The Blower's Daughter", which I shall put up mebbe next week. They have a really nice sound to it. Nostalgic. At least, for me it is. Stirs up my nostalgia. For things of old. Of the past. Simple words. Yet paints such vivid pictures.

Hehz... or mebbe I'm juz... old.

Caught myself juz 2 days ago in my park, listening to FM92.4 and the thought juz registered in my head that I seem to have mellowed even more. I seem to be less anxious to get what I want, but am more willing to now recognize that I can bide my time, and will bide my time. You know how when you're younger, you have less serious problems but its always a big deal, but when you're older and the problems become more serious you find that you're much better equipped to handle it? Somewhat along that line. I've been asking more of myself and more of my life, but I no longer have that desire for instant gratification. Mebbe I've become more patient. More willing to submit to life and its cycles. Less provincial.

Hehz...

Ah well. 5 in the morning, and I'm sprouting gibberish oredi. Time to hit the sack. After 2 papers, I think I've earned the right to a break over this weekend. Grins.

Brown Penny

I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

- William Butler Yeats

Must Love Dogs

I really loved the dogs.

Grins.

John Cusack movies always seem to sit down well with me. Its half the way he seems to be able to totally absorb himself into the character, while pretty much retaining much of himself in the process, and half the way he delivers his lines. Interestingly enough, the other great movie I totally adored that he starred in, Serendipity, the character that was his love interest was also known as Sarah. Hehz...

Serendipity. Ironic, in a pretty lame way. Nevertheless, there you go.

=)

The movie itself was bland in some ways... with very little in terms of plot development. The script was obviously trying to go for something that was more 'real' than 'hopelessly romantic', something which sat down really well with me. Wasn't really in the mood for a dose of perfect woman falling for perfect man and having conditions work out perfectly for them to be together and live happily ever after. And lots of stuff in the show was absolutely hilarious. I dun think I stopped laughing for more than 3 mins at any given time in the movie. Sadly, as usual, the minute the humour wasn't exactly overtly in-your-face, the audience were sadly oblivious to what was going on, sitting in deathly silence. As far as they were concerned, it might as well have been a funeral scene.

Of course, being a film about people recovering from a broken relationships, I naturally had a bias towards the film. But Stockard Channing turned in a great little performance, showing the mellowed-with-age and therefore more dignified, but just as lonely search for her own love story. I always thought she was a very versatile actress, and she was a great addition to the movie here. In fact, where the script itself was a little bland, the actors and actresses more than made up for it. There was nothing particularly soppy or emotional about the whole show, but the characters each had their moments of honesty abt the rarity of really finding true love. Kindda like what I've been whining inccessantly about in all my previous blog entries, the show also touched upon the issue of true love versus finding someone you could settle for. Yet another thing that went down well with me. Grins.

They also had some very good dialogue, showcasing the different questions men and women asked and discussed abt when they're with their buddies/girlfriends. I thought that was pretty cool.

Oh, and did I mention how I loved the dogs? Grins.

Ok, enough gushing abt the show now...

Today's been a good day. Met Yenn Chuen in the morning, and had a great time with him. Then met Serene, followed by Weimin. Settled some stuff, then cut my hair. Read up some things for my essay, then had dinner and the movie with Syl. In between chatted with Ruth since its her birthday today.

You know how people say if they had 100 million bucks, they'd travel the world? I think I'd spend it travelling around Singapore, meeting up with people instead. Hehz...

Think that's stupid?

Yes, I'm Smiling...

Hmm... I seem to be blogging a lot more lately. Dunno why also. More free time I guess.

So I sent off Xiying aka Ray this morning at the airport. Had to wake up at 5am. Of course, having finally gone to bed at abt 12 and slept, Paul just had to choose this night to call me at 1:30am, to tell me abt his day. Not that I blame him tho. I usually awake. I blame my rotten luck. After that, I couldn't get back to sleep till 4am. So it was somewhat a class B miracle that I was awake all the way at the airport, untill I reached home again.

Haven't been able to get this really tacky song out of my mind. Its from the Yu Tian Tu Long Ji show. Mebbe what made it stay in my mind was how the instrumental version of the song was used over and over again in the course of the 40 episodes... so its already drilled into my brain.

Tried out Liquid Kitchen tonight. Was with Paul and Daniel, watching Man Utd beat Aston Villa, albeit making much work out of what shd have been a routine win. The place was really nice actually... enjoyed myself.

Hehz... before that, had a good time at Bernice's place, having worship prac. Today was her birthday. Yes, after all of Henry's hard work planning it and all, its finally here... I wonder... if I ever do find a girlfriend eventually... would I put in this much effort into it? I hope I do... I really hope so...

And I got to drive Simon's car today!!! Hehz... He let me drive it from church, back to his place. Its actually a pretty smooth drive, albeit a slightly underpowered car, given the fact that its a BMW. But once you get past the initial pick up, the car's really pretty good. Hehz... Good thing I didn't scratch it. Grins.

Am in a good mood tonight. But a little restless.

You know how sometimes we value and take certain things very seriously? And how there really is room for these things to take their places and acknowledge that it is impt in its own way? Sometimes I wonder if my whining for God to send me a sign to affirm my life so far is too trivial an issue, in light of other things going on in the world. Like Char's cousin, whom I've been hearing abt from 3 different sources now oredi... Or Sho who has already passed away for a couple of months oredi... Or the many people I see on the bus and around the neighbourhood who struggle just to eke out a living on the barest of essentials...

I think Maslow is really spot on man... when so many struggle with physiological needs, I sometimes ask myself if it naturally invalidates my search for something higher up the triangle, like my belonging needs, or my esteem needs. So if I see a person struggling with survival, do I need to be ashamed of myself for wanting so much more, instead of being thankful for what I already have?

Cos I don't.

I feel we shd naturally be thankful that we've moved further up the triangle of needs than some others, and not take them for granted. But beyond that, I shdn't be made to feel guilty for striving to meet my current needs, and work towards self actualization. Empathy for those less fortunate than me shd not stop me from moving on.

Yes, just for the fun of it, at 4 in the morning, I'm reading abt Maslow(http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/maslow.html).

Gonna sleep now.

Hehz...

With a smile on my face.

Cos today's been a good day.

Grins.

I had a good day altogether.

Attended a lecture in NUS on carcinogens.

Shopped at Sim Lim.

Had a pretty good Mango Ice.

Had a good dinner.

I feel fat. (Dammit!!!)

And now I just dug up this song by S.H.E..

Thought it was really adorable.

The title 催眠术 means "Hypnosis", for those who can't read chinese.

*Ahem ahem*...

Whose PC can't read chinese, I mean...

Grins.

Damn.

If only love was really so easy.

Hehz...

Nites guys.

Have to be at the airport at 6 plus tmr.

Gotta sleep now.

Finally!!!!!

I've finally changed my monitor, and can see colors again!!!! Have been tolerating my previous monitor that has this really irritating yellow filter that distorts the color of everything on the screen. This is a monster of a 19" SONY monitor, at a cost of US$1K, compliments of Mr Joseph Sim.

Grins.

Hehz... I'm now in a spanking clean room, having spent the whole day cleaning it up. And now that I can finally see "clean" images from my PC as well... Mm, its been a good day.

I always thought the weather was a big reason for my mood fluctuations. After all, if a hot day can dampen my spirits even on a good day, what more damage an it do on a bad day, when things aren't going well? But now I realise that most of the time, its more because I chose to steep myself into that state of moodiness. Cos even on a good weather night like this, I find myself once again sinking into melancholia.

Just watched Four Weddings And A Funeral. My second time watching it, since I wanted to watch something in actual colors, and this film was still on my PC. Its one of my fav anyway. And one thing really caught my attention. It was a joke delivered at the eulogy. He said that the man who died had always preferred funerals to weddings, cos its much easier to be enthusiastic about something you know you have a much better chance of participating in.

Chuckles aside, I think he may have been right, in the most morose sense of the word. Cos everytime I attend a wedding, (and I have a fair lot of them to attend in the near future...) I find that I'm happy for the couple. I really am. But I never get round to picturing myself being up there on the aisle, never able to picture who I'll be up there with. But I've pictured myself inside that box so many times now, and I've also written quite a few eulogies for myself, wondering which one of them will have proved itself to be true after my death.

Death as the great equalizer.

No matter how much smarter, richer, fitter or better looking others are. No matter who my dream girl chooses to commit herself to instead of me, at least there's the knowledge that its only temporal. We all end up in a box at the end of the day. So no matter how painful life can be sometimes, there's always death to look forward to. Not as a means of escape, not as a cheap attempt to console myself instead of being more pro-active...

But more because there is a greater sense of eternity in death than in life.

Life is so transient. So unpredictable. So fragile. And oft times so cruel. In so many ways death seems so much kinder, and so much more predictable and stable.

Death, the great equalizer.

Mebbe that's why I can understadn why so many seek death, or obsess over it. After all, no matter how much we make of life, and how much the meaning that can be found in living the life that God has mandated for us, the undeniable fact is that it remains so epehmeral and fleeting. In light of eternity, life seems to be such a negligible period, so why not just be done with it?

Of course, just as how one of my fav lines is the song title itself "The Winner Takes It All", I guess I only feel this way right now cos I seem to be the one on the shorter end of the stick. If things had taken off the way I had imagined, in love and in life, I daresay this would have been a very different entry. If I would have still bothered to blog, that is.

I want to enjoy my life, and live it to the fullest. I want to be able to look back and recognize that I won't have too many regrets about the values I've placed on my life, and on what I've invested my life in. But its easier said than done. Its hard to invest and take delight in something you've come to view through the tint of transcience.

But on the flip side, so many successful people end their own lives, trapped in the mire of the absolute meaningless of their existence. So mebbe even if my life had taken off the way I hoped it would, I would still struggle with the worth of life. After all, just like the fickleness of a relationship disheartens me from daring to love again, the impermanence of everything in life paralyses me, and keeps me from living.

So here I am again, at 2 in the morning, asking myself why I remain so undecided about my life. Why can't I do what so many people have told me to do, to get off my feet and stop being a whinging baby? Is it really because I'm weak? Or is there something else I need to address? Cos I've made so many attempts already, dertermining and willing myself to start being like those pro-active people out there, being driven to make something of my life. Each time I've lasted less than a month, before being once again assailed by my doubts, and my malaise.

Lately, I dun seem to be able to sleep at all. Every night my dreams are so vivid and real. I wake up so disturbed and unrested. And for the rest of the day I feel like I'm half not alive as a result of that. It just becomes a vicious circle after a while.

Sigh.

You know, I'm actually starting to believe that a Mini Cooper with Fiona Xie inside isn't gonna solve the problem as well?

Mebbe that's the saddest part of it all.

Hehz...

Chanced upon something I wrote about 3 yrs ago or more. Its amazing how after so many things have happened in my life, some things still remain ever so relevant.

I ain't no Robert Frost, so for the literature snobs out there who read my blog (yes, you know who you are... Grins), just read it and bear with it.

Questions
Sitting here alone in a crowd,
Watching life as it passes by.
Just can’t bring myself to laugh,
Nor even feel enough to cry.

Trapped within my confused emotions,
Lost in my emotional confusion,
Unaware of what I really want,
How do I know my life has truly begun?

What’s real and what’s unseen?
Where’s my hope and where’s my dream?
Why the mirth and why the pain?
Is there nowhere I can lean?

Sometimes life ain’t about the answers,
Its just about questions, the doubts I have.
The sense that at the end of my tether,
I’m not alone, that there is another.

So what’s the big deal?
I will live
Life always gets worse
Its brings no reprieve
Hanging on.
That’s what we do.

Maybe that’s what its all about.

Stupidity Has No Cure Indeed...

Sigh.

My left kneecap has been painful since the treetop walk on sat, after the gruelling number of steps I needed to take to get down the elevation that I walked 5km to get to... So I figured that not running much on sunday might be a good thing, since I was told by my sis in no uncertain terms that I shdn't be running.

Then today at lunch with my parents, I crashed into a glass wall in MOS Burgers at a half run, cos I really didn't see it there at all, for whatever reason. Bloody hell. Good thing it didn't break, otherwise it'll be even more embarrassing than it already was, what with the whole restaurant turning round after hearing the clatter I made, only to see me turn around with my dazed look. To make matters worse, I think I've quite badly hurt my right knee, since it bore the brunt of the impact. There's a throbbing pain even without moving it around, and of course a lot more pain when I actually stand up and walk around... On top of which, there's a bump now on my head where it crashed into the glass as well.

So here I now hobble around, having to rely on my left leg which is actually already in pain, simply cos the right leg hurts more. Gosh, how much more pathetic can I get, I wonder.

Just bought myself a new phone. Motorola V3. Its a gamble, really, since I've only had one previous experience with a Motorola phone, about 8 years ago, which was an absolute disaster. But so far its been a really cool phone. I'm lovin' it! Grins.

Tmr I’ll be going to Funan with Henry to buy Bernice’s surprise birthday present from Henry. I think he’s been really sweet, what with all his planning beforehand, and the amount of thought that he’s put into it. I think I’ve really enjoyed my friendship with him over the last two years, and my friendship with him and Berno have always been a very unique bond that is of such a rare quality amongst my other friends.

On sunday I led worship. Somehow I was again in a daze. I've moved on from the state of chronic panic when I'm on stage, to a state of lassitude. Its pretty scary actually. I seemed so detached from my surroundings, and what I was doing. Dunno what’s going on. I also forgot my specs, which left me squinting for the lyrics on my paper up there on the pulpit. Hehz... it was hilarious man... On hindsight, of course...

The message my Rev delivered was also a rather curious one. One of the most salient point for me (naturally) was when she cited the example of the spurned lover who refused to move on, but persisted in clinging on to that love that was not reciprocated. She raised the point about how such a person displays a total lack of wisdom in his action, and shd learn to move on and let go.

On one level it makes perfect sense, and good advice. And I know of a couple of girls listening in who would be glad to hear the pulpit say that out loud, and wishing the guys would hear it and learn from it. Yet of course on my part I was musing to myself how love’s nature is to always hope against hope. I mean, on the most obvious level, if God only chose to love those who won’t spurn his love, there would have been no cross, no crucifixion already. Isn’t it in the very nature and foundations of love itself to be true to the one it has given itself to? If I've fallen for a girl, how do I take back that love without making a hypocrite out of myself? If I can promise undying love to a girl when I’m wooing her or when I’m with her, how can that ever be taken back simply cos she spurned me or is no longer with me?

So isn’t there at least something to be commended about the guy who proves that he didn’t make a mockery of the word love when he professed it to the girl who rejected it?

I guess there’s room on the pulpit for common sense to be taught. And I guess it shd be taught. God knows (pun aside) how many people in the church itself could do with a healthy dose of common sense. Yet to be fair, there’s something about how there really seems to be no real solution to this problem of unrequited affection. It seems to hit a dead-end wherever one turns. To stay on and be true to one’s heart would be seen as a lack of maturity and rationale, while to turn away would be a betrayal of self. Mebbe that’s why so many choose to doom themselves into a life of either eternal solitude, pining for their heart’s desire rather than compromise themselves, or else choose to plunge into a lie, settling for someone who loves them instead of the one whom they love.

I’m also reading this book by Jonathan Coe, called “The House Of Sleep”. Naturally it’s a book about sleep – 4 people with sleeping disorders. Sunday Times declares that it is a wonderful bedtime novel. Go chew on the irony of that. Grins. But I really like the different perceptions that he managed to bring out through the 4 characters about their lives, their approach to sleep, and how it shapes the way they live. In a way sleep was actually the excuse to address the neurosis that each one of them has, which was a reflection of many things we all can find in ourselves. His writing is very easy to grasp, and makes for a pleasant read.

Which means the copy of Harry Potter I badgered Serene into giving me remains untouched. Hehz… Ah well. Thanks to Nut, I guess it can remain unread for a while longer. Stupid Brat.

Muahahahahaha…

My sis flies off to Shanghai tmr… erm… technically, tonight… for her wedding shoot. Sigh. When will I ever make that kindda money to do stupid things like that? Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Wait a minute… I’m already doing stupid things right now. The persistent throbbing pain in my right knee is testament to that fact.

=)

一时的感触

最近真的觉得生命里许许多多的事情是那么难以预料。人生中每件事情，多不能当作理所当然。这几天有时间好好自己一个人安静下来，想想我这几个月来怎么样了，才发现到真的是在无意之中有了那么多改变。个个的变化虽小，但凑起来，也实在是越想越惊人。

区区的几个星期里，刚认识的一位朋友却能与他谈得像是半个交了一生的知己似的。又有一两位很要好的朋友在近几个月里，似乎陌生了许多。与家人之间的关系，又是更难去订立了。而在朋友的身上，看见他们在感情上更加是难以抹测其中的变化。一个人生命里的交情，确实往往那么的善变，有时想到不禁觉得有点可怕啊。

自己从来不向任何人有什么期望或渴望，也从不以自己待人的方式去要求他们如此地回报。但是生命中，人与人之间的关系若是那么容易地建立，而又是更加容易地忽略，在某个程度上也的确叫我自叹。若人与见得着的人都能够那么容易地去忽略、疏远、忘记或远去，那么看不见的上帝，我们又何尝能够每时每刻记得住呢？难怪我们每个星期天在教会，甚至每天在作灵修时，对上帝的承诺以及祷告，能够在一刹那之间把它忘得一干二净的了。

咳。

最近自己一直在想，我到底知不知道我要的是什么。读的书，教会的事俸，做的工，甚至心里想追的女孩，是不是我一时的冲动，一时的意思罢了？还是我能够肯定地说在我有生之年里，回头看我现在的决定时，不管发生什么事，我对我现在所作的决定，决不会后悔。因为到了这个年纪，回头的机会是越来越少了。工作，学历，家庭与信仰是不能草率去对待的，也不应该是置之不理的。更加是不应该逃避的。

这个问题我一直在问我自己，却一直不敢去面对。不敢干脆利落地决定。每当我想到我人生中许许多多的变幻时，就更是难以定下心来。有时候觉得读的科目根本没意思，做的工作也完全帮不上我什么忙。对于将来，到底我要做的是什么，完完全全没有概念。家里发生了这么多的事，也不知道前面的路会是怎么样。在教会里的事俸，也不知是否是我的恩赐于负担所在，还是只是因为有所需要，才挑起现今的事工。感情上呢，更是不用提了。带着这么多的疑惑，怎敢对任何女孩做出照顾她的承诺呢？失恋的阴影始终缠绕着我，使我在没建立好自己时，无把握能留住她的心。

至少让我能感到庆幸的是，不管自己觉得多无能与狼狈，总是有一群关心我的弟兄姐妹，和外面的朋友，让我能够不感到寂寞。他们这几年来给我的爱心与关心，是我能够今天慢慢挽回以前过错最大的原因之一。好叫我每次回顾我人生时，一想到上帝在我生命里断断续续赐来的朋友，好让我能够得到建立时学习如何建立他人，我就能够很实在地感受到神在我生命里的真实。透过他们，在我最需要人来陪我，鼓励我和安慰我时，就出现在我身旁，使我看得见这完全不是偶然的巧合，而确实是上帝在我生命里无微不至的照顾。

所以朋友虽与我来去，在每一个接触交往的日子里，都不是徒然的付出。是值得我去尽力建立的感情。因为不管我与他们是暂时的知己，还是生死之交，我们的友情是不限制与我们之间，而是有永恒的主在背后成就的。所以在这个程度上，疏远了的友情和感情也是有永恒的价值的。

想了这么多，也累了。该去睡了。

Weekend Summary

Finished watching Jin Yong's "Yu Tian Tu Long Ji" some time this week.

*Long Sigh*

Sometimes watching TV can be so depressing, since the relationships always seem so easy. The guy always starts off having to choose a girl, which he bungles. Then the girl is seen to be the one who makes up her mind. Then with that assurance from the girl, the guy finally picks up the courage to go after her.

If only in life that were even remotely so man.

Its been another chapter of my life where I encounter the emotional turbulence of many a friend. One who has been told in no uncertain terms that she would rather that they remain just friends, one who seems to be clasping at straws to justify his current relationship, another who is obviously living in denial about the futility of carrying on a relationship... the list just piles up.

I mean, all my friends are individually more than capable as far as their IQ is concerned. As a matter of fact, for many of them, their EQ ranks pretty high as well. Which makes me wonder why so many are so willing to compromise in a r/s that falls so far short of what they had hoped it would be, choosing to run away from reality. Just last week over dinner with Eric and Weixiu, we spoke about the many marriages of our parents and others, the majority of which seem to be a loveless union, struggling to just maintain a facade that all is well in their lives. And I wonder if these people I've met up with and have been thinking about will just be the new generation that grows up to repeat the mistakes of their parents.

Sometimes TV can be so attractive. The good and bad r/s are so easily distinguishable. Every hero and heroine are so obviously in love, like-minded in all they do, and obviously meant for each other. They're also a couple utterly convinced that they've found the right one. Heck, even the evil couples that pop up in shows are just as compatible and like-minded. And somewhere within that surreal world where life and love seems so easy, is what I find so attractive about watching these shows. It also happens to be what frightens me into running away from it, given the disappointment it creates upon realising what a lie they are selling.

Just received word that April is engaged. The whole Paul saga aside, I just really hope she's really happy, instead of just convinced that she is. I guess in twenty years' time, we'll all have a better idea.

Hehz... the more I muse about it, the more I'm convinced so many of us are so good at deceiving ourselves into believing whatever we want to hear. Be it the promise of MLM marketing, to the Prosperity Gospel, to the salesman selling a "magic stone" to an old lady for $5k, the one on the outside always sees so clearly what a lie has been propagated, while the one inside the paradigm can often genuinely believe that he/she are the truly enlightened ones.

Hehz... it seems that whenever I whine about relationships first, the rest of the blog is a pretty morose entry.

I also met up with Ruth's mom over a drink one of the evenings, just to clear the air and meet up to talk. I think the whole session went pretty well. Henry and I watched 7 Swords (which officially goes down as one of the top three worst films I've ever watched in my entire life.), had lunch with Serene, practiced for worship, swam, visited my condo... etc. Yeah, he was on leave this whole week and we had the opportunity to spend some time together.

Shared with him some of my thoughts above. I guess he's right in a way also - when our r/s becomes something we use just to gratify ourselves and to allay our fears of loneliness, then we'll start coming up with the many reasons that we do for staying in or starting a hopeless r/s. We all start out with our ideals of how "we want to glorify and serve God"... but somewhere along the way it's become about how "I don't dare to be alone. He/she isn't that bad after all, I guess"...

Cell is starting a new series on the book of Psalms. We had a really hilarious day in cell, where even Zhiming pulled a classic on Weiqi. I just hope she doesn't take it the wrong way, since sometimes the way we joke about her BS can be a little overboard. That being said, I sometimes really don't blame the jokes, since she really can be a walking BS calamity. Hehz...

Chelsea beat Arsenal 2-1 in the Charity Shield. Dammit.

Meeting my aunt for Fish & co. again at lunch today. Another rich meal. Help. I really need to be on salads for the rest of the week man. Need to detox.

BIG TIME.

Remember Me This Way

How time flies.

Its been almost 2 months since Simon's returned from the States, and I'll be on my way down to the airport in a while's time to pick up Syl. And yet it no way feels like its been so long.

Time and tide waits for no one indeed.

Its been a week since the Eagles Conference, with a lot of its lessons still ringing in my head. Yet tonight I've been asking myself just how much have I actually begun to apply to my life, and to change myself. And sadly, I find little that I can talk about. Still my usual routines, still my usual sins. "Breakthrough" was for me a pretty surreal word when I was a kid, something I always thought the older ones throw around like a mantra without any real effect or worth. Now increasingly I find that I'm asking of God and myself how can I seek a breakthrough in my growth. How can I start now, so that three years later when I turn back and look behind me, I can see the distance I've covered.

Everyone's slowly moving on thier lives now, it seems. Just met up with Eric 2 nights ago. He's due for training in Perth in about a week. A number of my friends are all getting married within a year from now. I realise that I'm only 4 yrs away from hitting 30 yrs old. And increasingly, I find it harder and harder to find those around me who shared my childhood. Those who remembered me from my days of youth, esp those whom I knew before I was 12.

I sat down a few nights ago and realise I hardly have anyone who can tell me anything significant about my life before I was 12. Its like I never existed back then, esp since I myself don't seem to have much of a recollection of it. And its a pretty scary thought, that no one remembers you. I don't ask for fame, or immortality. But somehow there's a profound fear of being forgotten... at least by those whom I love and care for. Drawing distant from one another is one thing. Being forgotten is a whole different thing altogether. Just as much as I don't think I'll ever forget those dear to me... their memories and our shared experiences... likewise its a scary thought that I can't think of any friend I cared for before I was 12, and who would remember the things we did together.

Mebbe that's why I love journaling so much. Setting down in ink and words where memory does not diminish and distort, but allows me to look back and remember myself, that I might not be forgotten.

Hehz...

The sleepless thoughts of a guy at 5 in the morning can be pretty warped.

So much has happened in the last few days. Yet so much that I can't bear to put down. The demons I made for myself that always returns when I least expect it, to throw all my thoughts and emotions into a turmoil all over again. Things that I thought I had put down that again bothers me. It seems that everytime I feel God speaking to me, He keeps raking up the same few things to hold me accountable for. So much so that I sometimes wonder if its really God I'm hearing, or just my own conscience.

The Bible says that where the Spirit of God is, there is freedom. How I long to one day finally be able to put all these things down once and for all, and be done with it. Yet some burdens are so attached to myself, that I dun even know how to give it up even thought I want to.

With a whole life ahead of me clouded in in uncertainty, and many the trials and pain borne over the past few years, its sometimes hard to break my habit of life, and seek to actively move on and leave the dark clouds behind.

Getting to sleep would in itself be a big step foprward, I suppose...