Couple of lines from a very very old song is sticking in my head.
"I took the sweet life, I never knew I would be bitter from the sweet,
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free."
Past few weeks have seen me slowly withdrawing more and more into a shell, and take time out to again find myself. Been again asking myself how much of my life would have diffferent if I had taken another road. The things that I thought would bring me closer to what I wanted, and the subsequent consequences that only leaves me three steps behind where I started... (this alluding to a lot more than my r/s, by the way. I've my share of regrets in this life, and then some.)
And how I compensate by trivialising my life, with my hollow smiles and wise-cracks, willing myself to believe that if I make light of my losses, then light will be the price I paid for all my regrets. The brash and reckless manner I many times chose to blunder into a mistake and then bullishly try to stay the course, somehow cruelly deceiving myself into believing that two wrongs make a right, that if I but stay with my mistake all the way, things will turn out well in the end.
No matter how many fresh starts I make, I guess it never changes the past. All it can change is the future, that I remind myself of my misspent youth, and the heavy cost of it has exacted upon me. Someone once said that until we learn from history's mistakes, we will be forced to repeat it. The cycles of my life thus far have been nothing short of the fulfillment of such a prophecy. And the temptation remains strong in me to retain this almost habitual self-destructive tendency. Thoughts of throwing away the lessons I learnt, to with reckless abandon give in to the desires of my heart, to throw caution to the wind and gamble using my life as the stakes, and to continue to live in the fantasy that more wrongs will create more rights.
I always did suck at history.
WHO THE FUCK READS BLOGS?????
Just realised the number of views on my page. Absolutely bewildered by who out there still gets redirected to blogs. Surely no advertisers...
5 comments:
I would hardly call your youth misspent. Last I recalled, you've never done drugs, stolen, gotten into a fight and even spent your NS years peacefully in Mindef.
Perhaps you haven't followed the Great Singaporean Game Plan exactly to the letter but to hell with it, only a few warped people of the rafflesian clan can really claim to have done that anyway.
And what was that I saw a few posts ago about new credit cards? Heck, you at least have ONE of the 5 Cs, I, my friend, have NONE.
Chillout, as you said so yourself, you can still change the future and truthfully I think that your youth is far from over so don't be in too much of a hurry to term it as having been "misspent".
hahaha...peng chastised once again. But i'll let you whine. Right up to your 27th birthday.
grin. Have a great start to your working life yar.
haha.do I make you feel old, peng peng?
speaking of the Cs, there's only one that everybody needs. im sure you know which one it is.
Hehz... which 'C' would that be?
Coffee???
Grins.
Incidentally, my years in MINDEF weren't peaceful. By the grace of God, I escaped spending two weeks in DB by the narrowest of chances. else I wouldn't even have made it into NUS.
But yeah, I wasn't trying to talk so much abt my past(tho naturally it came out that way, i guess...), was more or less jus musing abt how I'm gonna move on, each time after I look back at my past.
=)
coffin. haha two letters diff.
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