Melancholia

So another week has passed me by, with a lot of things on my mind. Whether its job offers, the cell group, taking time out for myself, worship ministry matters, or just running errands all over S'pore, its been a pretty good week, where for once I haven't had much time to mull over my usual pet topic.

Even Serene and Derek's wedding on saturday didn't really seem to give me impetus to reflect on much. Maybe its cos I wasn't particularly close to them. Maybe its cos I had a lot of other things on my mind, such as Paul's Christmas Play. Or maybe I was just too busy socialising with all the old friends in Crusade, and more or less catching up a little with some of them.

Well all that changed this morning. Henry mentioned awhile ago that ever since his parents both retired, their marriage had improved a lot, and things were looking a lot better. Well I was never very hopeful of that happening for my parents, but at least I hoped that things won't really be as bad as when they both had a lot to stress over at work.

So this morning in the car when they started bickering over which side of their relatives to invite for my sis's wedding, I really was just so tired of it all that I had half a mind to get out of the car and just walk. I mean, this really takes the cake man. My dad sometimes seems to be entering his senile dotage already. Nit-picking over the fact that two of his relatives' children weren't invited while on my mothers' side they were, he decided to just declare he's washing himself of all affairs of the wedding, and not decide anything else from now on. And thus "Home Wars" runs into its 32,156,789th episode, way beating "Days Of Our Lives" as the longest running soap opera.

*BIG SIGH*

You know, when you've been married to someone for more than 30 year already, and you can still find it in you to nit-pick over something as trivial as that, and make it a "my side of things versus your side", its really a sad mockery of the marriage I had envisioned and perhaps idealized. Something in me at least tonight belives that perhaps I'm better off staying single.

The overwhelming voice in me that keeps telling me I'll never be worthy of the girl I worship and that she probably doesn't see me as being worth it, is also the same voice that therefore reasons with me that I'll have to end up settling for someone less. And if I ever do that, I guess I'll just be re-visiting the sins of my parents.

Sucks, doesn't it? I lay most of the blame for the state of my parents' marriage on my dad. Scary thing is, I see so much of him in myself that a part of me thinks I shd never ever inflict myself on anyone. Bad enough that I'll have to live with myself. Why bring some poor girl down with me?

Grins.

Sigh.

The whole week I've been feeling very low-energy and rather depressed. Yes, again. And again. And again. Hearing of New Orleans really doesn't do much to make me brighten up and believe that a new day might bring something good back into my life, and into the world. I've tried my share of perky thoughts, perky songs, and spedning time with people. And I guess once the effects of them wear out, or I'm alone again, the tiredness just sets in even deeper than before. Just a few days ago on the bus, I find myself suddenly stuck with the thought that I'm now ready to die. That very calm and collected feeling, that I'm not seeking death, but feel like I'm tired enough, and am ready to call an end to this life and this world.

Its very scary on hindsight, since I've always in a way struggled with death, and the many regrets at the many things I always wanted to achieve. More time spent with some friends, things I always wanted to do, learn or try that I still haven't, or that classic romance love-of-a-lifetime that I'm eternally searching for... So many things I always knew would float to my mind were I to suddenly find myself in a plane that is going down. Yet that day on the bus back home, I had none of the impulse to regret, but just the readiness and even longing to call an end to my time here on earth.

And its doubly ironic in that this has been a week where three guys have separately decided to pour their hearts out to me, and I had the unenviable task of getting them to believe that things will be better in a while. On hindsight I wondered how much of a hypocrite was I being, and how much were the words I said to them actually things I needed to tell myself.

Ah well. Its 3:30am, my thoughts are getting more and more jumbled. Think I shd stop this now.