A Clean Slate

Are there ever things that you never ever recover from? Whether it’s a hurt that ran too deep, painful realizations of an inevitability despite your hope, experiences of life that can never be blotted from your mind, the truth of how all your friends really see you, even the shame that you’ve caused or felt in the course of growing up?

Cos I think I’ve been feeling a little of everything over the past week. Small doses, just enough to remind me that its still around, that it has yet to, and in fact never, been banished from my life. I recall quoting Frodo Baggins before, something he said right at the end before he leaves the Shire for good, “There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.”

This would have been a week summarized by these words. So that while everything’s more or less fine now, and I’m more or less coping (I’m actually feeling generally happier!!!), I’ve also finally come round to reconciling myself with the fact that things will never ever go back to the way it was. And maybe like Frodo, its time for me to leave the Shire. Because the one place that I always desire to go back to will always be the one place I need to get away from to exorcise my demons.

Its times like this where I wish I had taken up the offer to Monash.

Maybe before I can have a new life again, I really need to die to my old one. Old frens, familiar places, habitual routines… A clean break for a clean slate.

I’d give anything now for $300K and a place in an overseas university.