Lucid Moments

Its been a weird sort of day. I spent the whole day in a rather out-of-the-body experience, being more or less unable to muster much gusto in what I do. Perhaps its the lack of sleep, perhaps its just my mood swings. Perhaps its just my body still aching from the run on sunday... At night I decided to drive out to study, and settled on Plaza Sing. Managed 2 chapters there, then bumped into Gabriel's twinkle group. Erin got a new job so she was treating them to ice-cream. So naturally I had a share of the ice-cream too. Tee hee.

I then had dinner with Paul, then decided to drive down to Sembawang Park to sit by the waters. I felt I really needed to sit down somewhere quiet, and the air was a little still to be at the Thomson Park. Turned out to be a really great idea. There was a nice little breeze going on, with very gentle ripples on the water surface. There was a family some distance away from me, with a kid’s laughter every now and then drifting to where I sat. The sea and the rhythm of its waves always had a soothing effect on me, and I found that my usual very rapid and random thoughts slowed down a little, and I could think better.

Weixiu emailed me just now to say that she thinks my neurosis has gotten worse over the past few blog entries… and perhaps she’s right. Tho personally, I’d say its just that I’ve been a little more open on my blog abt the things that I put up with. I don’t think I’ve said anything recently, that had only lately come to mind. But I really have lately been a little bit more out of sorts than usual. So much so that I completely made a hash out of the worship on Sunday, when I went up there and didn’t know what I was saying. There was a point in time up there where I really didn’t even register what was coming out of my mouth, but the words came out almost subconsciously.

Thus the decision that I really needed to take time out to get myself together.

I sorted out a couple thing things in my head that I’ve been struggling with for some time…

You know how there are things that deep inside you know you need to let go of, but you keep struggling to rationalize why you should hang on to it, and then obstinately cling on to it against your inner conscience? There’s actually a whole series of steps to take… the first and most difficult step is to acknowledge that you know what you desperately want is actually fundamentally wrong despite all your inclinations. Once you get past the self-denial and can acknowledge that its wrong, there’s still a long way to go until you finally decide to stop rebelling against your conscience and plan to let go. Then there’s the long painful journey where you struggle against the decision you made to concede that its wrong and you shd let go. If you ever get this far, the next step is to start letting go a little at a time. You will let go of a little bit, get scared, and then go back to step one again… then the long painful process of retracing those steps all over again will commence, letting go of a little bit more each time. And hopefully, by the grace of God, you will perhaps one day find that you have conquered one of the demons in your life.

Just one.

Which leaves you with another 999 more to go.

They sure weren’t kidding when they said life is difficult… and painful.

And that’s probably why so many of us choose to just take the easy road and drown out our consciences by forcing ourselves to wallow in what we want, thereby convincing ourselves that since we feel so good, its probably the right decision anyway.

I’ve always had very little tolerance for people who live in denial of what I think is so painfully obvious. Like people in MLM who insist to me that its all about helping people, and never abt profit. Like church-goers who totally swear by the prosperity gospel and insist that God has told them He plans to make them rich. Like couples I know who held hands, spent every waking moment together and exchanged terms of endearment all the time yet still insisted that they’re just really good friends and not together. (I once had a champion who bamboozled me by saying "We haven't really broken up. We're just in the together-but-not-together phase." I mean, to me that sounded as good as saying "I'm in the I-love-God-and-I-love-breaking-His-laws phase". Read: ridiculous.) Like pastors and church leaders I encountered who insist that theirs was a well thought-through and well-informed executive decision when its plain they know nothing at all about what they’re saying, but is simply making a conclusion based on bias and preference. Like hypocrites I've befriended who talk a lot about how much they care and cherish their friends above themselves, but never seem to be able to spare any time at all when called upon to give of themselves. Heck, I hardly ever had any patience with many parents who always practice double standards, giving their children the line “I can do it and you can’t because I know better, and you don’t.”

Hehz… you get the picture…

But here tonight, I find myself in the same category as them. I too, have my own dreams, my own fantasies that I cling on to. Even though this year the more I pray abt it the more God has shown me the reality of the situation, I keep clinging on to it and insisting that I want it my way. I insist that if He’s God, He can make it happen my way. I cry out against Him, asking Him why would He want to ruin such a beautiful dream, esp when it doesn’t hurt anyone. I plead with him, arguing that I’m sure He would want to see me happy. I turn my back on Him, hoping that my petulance might exasperate Him into granting my wishes.

And of course, against all this… God stands like a rock against the tide – absolutely immovable, totally unmoved. And finally, this week, exhausted as I am about the whole struggle, I finally have no choice but to acknowledge that I’m wrong.

Grudgingly, unwillingly, and very ungraciously.

A very small step towards rehab, I suppose.

Of course, my reflections were interrupted by disturbing news that reached me at the park, but that’s another story for another day. My day’s work at the park was done, and I had at least reached a resolution for the struggles that I’ve had for a long time. At least for tonight, I can see things a lot more clearly now, of what I need to do, and how I shd get there. Tomorrow when I wake up, it’ll be a fresh struggle to maintain my resolution to not go back to the past, and repeat the same cycle that I’ve been treading.

I just thought I shd put it down here tonight to remind myself, after I wake up.