The Truman Blog

I just learnt today that Der Biao actually links my blog to his. That could go some way to explain why people I never expected to even know I have a blog have actually been visiting it. Heck, I didn’t even know he has it.

Not that I’m mad at him, after all the damage was done a long time ago… but wasn’t there a time when people would ask before they read something of yours that they didn’t give you themselves? If you found a notebook of mine, I’d say common courtesy would prompt you to not read what’s inside without my permission. Am I missing a point here, or does the fact that it’s the internet indicate that its automatically public domain, and therefore a place devoid of any sense of good manners?

But ah well. That’s all water under the bridge I guess. People are free and welcome to read from here, when they really have nothing better to do with their time. I only mentioned it here, because it suddenly hit me that this must be how Truman felt, not realizing that his thoughts, his secrets and his life, that were originally intended to be shared by only a close circle, have actually always been paraded around in the public, for one and all to peruse.

Must have been a shocker.

The last few days have been an over-saturation of studying. I guess I’m a little paranoid all of a sudden, that I’m really not going to make the cut. These are days when I really wish I had never been born at all.

Had dinner with Paul today, and we were talking abt relationships. I raised the topic, actually. About how I don’t believe in entering relationships and living for the moment. I always like to look at it from the long-term prospective right from the start. And I think I’m right to do that. He told me that’s probably why I’m finding it almost impossible to find another girl, because I never live for the moment, but is always somewhere else. He’s probably right too. Maybe that’s why I always guard so strongly against any impulse to get back with Grace, while Paul time and again end up being together with Joz. There are many who would say that Paul’s the one who’s getting more out of life, living the different emotions and experiences that we should all be having if we are truly to be considered living – joy, angst, loneliness, contentment… etc.

Me? I’m too busy playing dead. Paul’s pretty obvious when he’s going ga-ga over someone. And he’s fine with it. But I’m too afraid of letting anything show, and so I go out of the way to maintain appearances of impartiality amongst my friends, that non might ever discern where my own heart truly lies.

All the above is just a really really big loop to say what a rude shock it was for me to find my blog linked to Der Biao’s. For someone who has always been so eager to mask and hide my thoughts – every exposure, or the realization of the exposure of things I thought had been hidden, is a pretty big jolt to me. And an unpleasant one it is too.

Leaves me with about three options to consider.

First, to close down this blog that has become too public for my own liking already. It forces me to either risk people whom I’d rather not read the material within to come across it, or else to reduce this place to mere superficial thoughts of mine. (NOT, that its actually been very deep, actually… Hehz…)

Second, to take the risk and let this be a place where people can come to know a little more about me, an avenue in which aids me in opening up to people, which I’m by nature not very willing to volunteer. But it means I need to moderate my content, and not unknowingly offend some people, or stumble others.

Third, to change the nature of this blog into something else. Either of trivia, as a public diary of what’s going on in my life, as a collection of things I read that I liked… something along those lines.

Sigh.

I hate it when I have to make a decision whether or not to change things from the way it was. I’ve always liked status quo.