Spilling My Guts

One thing that I always question about myself is my instinct. No matter how much I remind myself of the number of times my intuition has proven itself to be wrong, I inevitably find myself again relying on what gut says. So whether it be a harsh criticism of someone that proved unwarranted, faith in someone who ultimately didn’t deserve it, disappointment that resulted from a misplaced or false hope, or even the unexpected joy that rose from the ashes of a dream I thought had gone to dust, I continue to live my life by something I can’t ever fathom or explain.

I remember the first time I ever had a serious crush on a girl. We got along really well, and there was nothing we couldn’t talk about. We would talk on the phone every day, and she always tells me how much she appreciates our friendship. On my part, everything was leading right up to my plucking up the courage to tell her how I felt. Even a few of our common friends told me I should give it a try... Until now I’m still not sure whether or not I shd have reacted in bitterness or with thankfulness when she told me she just got attached to another guy it turned out I knew. After all, I was no more than days away from deciding to express my feelings for her. Grins.

That was a major blow to my dependence on my instinct.

Of course, there’ve been times when things played out the other way. So often I looked at a problem with an all too familiar sense of fatalism and told myself how hopeless the situation was, even before I had actually properly assessed the details. It meant that I would just give up without a fight, leaving it to those around me whom I would brand as “people who blindly live in denial of reality” to press on. And often enough, I would be the one blushing away when all my pessimism which I had insisted upon as a realistic perspective proved to be false.

And I guess it makes me wonder what is it that still causes me to choose to rely on my instinct. Maybe its because I really suck at thinking through a situation. Maybe I’m just too lazy to sit down and do that. Maybe its because I don’t believe myself to be able to make a well-weighted decision anyway, and so just decide to go by my gut feel. Whatever the case, I’ve been trying harder to think through things carefully before I make decisions nowadays, instead of letting my hunches get the better of me. And I think I’m better off for it, given just how little thought I usually give to things.

For instance, I seldom look at maps when I navigate an unknown area. I get the general direction from someone who knows the place, then I like to just ‘feel’ my way there, even if it means making a few extra turns, and walking a few more minutes.

So why am I mentioning this here? Because I’ve had a few decisions to make recently that troubled me a little. And each time I sat down to think abt things, I find that my instincts always went against the grain of prudence and wisdom. And I realize that my nature is such that I will always have a natural inclination towards obeying my instinct above and good advice my brain might be offering.

And that’s pretty worrying.

I should never ever accept my intinct’s decisions on any matters more important than what to have for lunch. Otherwise I’m really gonna be screwed.

Hehz.