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The past couple of weeks I’ve been somehow really really really restless, and have been unable to do much. Anytime I settle down, I feel like I need to walk around. Even when watching my beloved West Wing on the computer, I feel the impulse to surf the net, to reply emails, or just fiddle around a little.

Last week I walked the whole street of Orchard Road for 2 hrs straight, going up and down, down and up, just because I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting down somewhere, sitting still. I’m either really very very stressed out, going mad, or else just plain possessed.

Damn.

As a result, perhaps… I’ve been pretty much walling myself up. Aside from the couple of people that I’ve been emailing since I’m at home all the time, I haven’t really been in touch with the usual gang like I usually do. I instead just isolate myself, writing my journal, reading a book, cramming my notes, or else just pacing the house.

Xiying flies off tmr. Ah well. Managed to meet him twice whilst he was around, and even though I thought we crapped a lot, I did miss his presence. So it’s all good. Grins.

A particular chorus keeps ringing in my head lately, and its actually another in my list of golden oldies. I guess in this context I was thinking more about old friends that have come and gone in my life. People with whom I once shared a history with, who have now all but vanished from sight.

你走你的路
直到我们无法接触
我也许将独自跳舞
也许独自在街头漫步
你走你的路
用我无法追赶的脚步
我也许将独自跳舞
也许独自在街头漫步

Perhaps its my mind’s own way of telling me that as people get older, we all naturally take different paths. Been talking to different people abt different friends lately. With one, it was abt some of our common old friends who have changed. Friends who have moved on, or who don’t offer us the kind of commitment that we offer them, or who basically turned out to be a real disappointment. Then with another person we were talking abt friends in church who all seem to have either moved to another church, or have drifted away altogether from the church scene.

So we theorized abt why they left. We blamed it in differing priorities, and how it meant we ended up veering off in such different directions. We blamed it on a lack of proper support for everyone, causing them to end up finding their won way out of their problems – some good, some bad, but all leading in different ways. We acknowledged that as much as we blame others, we were equally at fault for having let go of some friends ourselves. After that we thought abt ways to remedy the problem, we discussed what solutions there might be to either bring them back or else ensure we don’t lose our current friends.

Yet at the back of my head, there was a part of me that somehow felt it was all an exercise in futility. I’m probably too jaded in saying this, but nevertheless part of me really felt that moving on is part of life. Its inevitable in class gatherings, so why not in church as well, where the social component of it is as relevant as in any secular setting? So even tho there is definitely room to stem an unhealthy outflow, why is it that in our discussions we always seem so reluctant to let go, and accept that moving on is sometimes part and parcel of life?

Ah well.

Shall not let this get too morose.

Just put down the phone only, now need to prep for worship practice tmr.

*gulp*

Also, you know how when you tell people something abt yourself you always feel a little nervous abt how its going to turn out? Well, that’s what I’m going through tonight also.

Need lots of prayer now. Lots and lots of prayer…