Mary Vs Martha

Was preparing to lead bible study on Saturday night, and one of the passages that I read was on Mary and Martha. I always had made the more direct equation between Mary and Martha as two polemic examples of Christians… one group who sought to please God by doing things… and the other who was able to recognize that the best thing to do is seek God, and not just seek to please Him.

But that night I suddenly realized what Jesus was actually talking abt was more than just the very actions we display, but our very hearts’ inclinations. For example, I realized that my prayer life was exactly like Martha. When I sit down and close my eyes, I can never focus and concentrate on what I am praying abt. My mind inevitably wanders off to something else – an appointment I nearly forgot abt will suddenly be remembered, a promise I made that I have yet to keep will surface, even something that someone said which bothered me more than I cared to admit will abruptly show up in my mind. I realize that I have great difficultly in doing what Mary did – sit at the feet of Jesus, and be still.

And so I like going to the park… somewhere with enough privacy, but not too isolated. I distract myself by walking, forcing myself to at least keep part of my mind on something, to prevent it from wandering in all directions. I realized that’s why I pray better in a group, where the one on my left and right helps me to keep my focus… everytime my thoughts wander and I pay attention to what the ones around me are praying for, I’m reminded of what I’m supposed to be doing straight away, and I can pull my attention back where it belongs.

Lots of things have happened this week, and for me its been a rather emotionally draining week. So much that by Saturday night I decided its time to force myself to take a break, or risk a breakdown. So I cancelled a much looked-forward-to trip to Villa Bali for drinks, two very very good matches taking place at night (Spurs Vs Arsenal, Liverpool Vs Chelsea), and I also gave the 125th Anniversary thing a miss. Turned out to be the best decision I made all week. I sometimes forget to control myself when I drown my pensiveness beneath a whole deluge of activities, and I end up heading for a burnout due to very different reasons. Somehow this time round I had the discipline and awareness to check myself.

I ended up having a really good time today both at the Levites Ministry meeting, and Zhang Mu Shi’s bible study.

I also finally found out who my friendly neighborhood blog-stalker, AnonX, really was. I shd have suspected it was him, given his anti-Microsoft stand which he put down when I talked abt MSN. Hehz… Ah well.

Second piece of good news in a week.

But I think that’s abt it with the good news.

I was praying to God last night that I need to wake up from the fantasy I cling to that a soulmate will cure a lot of my worries, and I will be able to stand a little straighter than I do right now. Because it won’t. My heart will feel lighter if Fiona today accepts my feelings and reciprocates. It’ll last all of 24 hours (36, if I’m lucky) before the burdens of a relationship has me bending over double of what I was doing before I was in one. I want to be able to trust that my shattered dreams are really the best things that could have happened to me, if I can but have the resilience and maturity to face up to it instead of running away.

“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my
heart
And my portion forever.”
- Psalm 73:25-26

I remember being very deeply moved by this Psalm when I first read it… all too often it is my heart and flesh that fail. A heart that is prone to wander and give itself away to anything except God, and my flesh that never seems to be able to muster up the strength to do good… the Psalmist captures these two weaknesses and says that “God is the strength of my heart”, the One whom I can learn to daily surrender to, and not ever compromise because of my own weakness.

Of course, part of me knows I’m talking nonsense – I’ll continue to compromise and live for lesser dreams, allowing myself to give in to what I know is a temporal relief simply to numb the pain I feel right now. But as I heard say before, the journey of a hundred miles begins with a single step. Hopefully each time I sit down and reflect again on this, and remind myself yet again of this same lesson I first learnt so long ago, I’m taking one small step each time towards completing my journey.