Bewildering

The past few weeks I seem to have turned a corner. A bad corner.

Maybe its just me, but I seem to always go through a cycle where things are happening around me and to me that I’m not aware of. I just blunder from one thing into another, and I never really seem to catch on to what’s really going on and what people are seeing.

Slowly I begin to be aware of all that I had missed, and I scramble to make up for my earlier remiss. Usually this involves a lot of thought that I hastily throw into it, hasty conclusions that I arrive at, then the expending of a lot of effort to throw myself against a wall, trying to stick up to the conclusions that I’m so sure of.

Its only after yet more time has passed that I realize I actually am no longer sure of all that I once assumed… I begin to think to myself that maybe I too, have only been seeing what I want to see. Then the doubts set in, until I sit here in front of my PC once again, only this time utterly at a loss of what to do or think.

I really love this song by Lisa Loeb. This blog has been steadily featuring a stream of all my favs from her collection. This has to easily be my favorite one from all her songs. I used to put it on repeat, and play it over and over again everytime I walk away from a close friend that I thought I knew, but ended up having totally misread. And yes, I also used to play this song whenever I thought of all that went wrong between me and Grace.

Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is

Ever had the sense that the few close to you can sometimes be the very ones who are a million miles away? The experience whereby the grasp of a situation you thought you had could turn out with a totally unforeseen twist, that leaves you utterly helpless?

I used to spin the chorus inside my head again and again non-stop, and ask myself if it really was me. I would wonder if it really was just a case of how I refused to see things for the way it really was, but always just stuck a picture inside my head and convinced myself that it was a good reflection of reality. Everytime I think I’m losing control of a situation, I just retreat into a corner, and this chorus would start spinning again.

Just when I think I know myself, and I know what I want, I surprise myself with my ability to realize I’m just as messed up and confused as everyone else around me. My inclinations change, I start questioning my priorities, my circle of friends whom I spend more time with shifts, and I again have to re-evaluate what is it that I want to do with my life. Naturally, I needed to ask myself why I changed (be it my mind, my preferences, or even my understanding of who I am), and what caused the change.

Sounds vague?

Yeah, that’s how my mind has been for the past couple of weeks.

Damn hazy.

Can’t think straight.

And I hate that.