Self-Scrutiny

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To answer your question from this afternoon:

Yes, I believe in the exclusivity of choice in finding one’s love. I believe that if I met a girl that I set my heart on, I would never be able to look another girl in the eye and tell her I love her… I would rather be alone without her. And I expect the same of the girl. She must also show that same inclination towards an exclusive commitment. So yes, I think my friend made the right decision when he decided not to pursue his relationship with that girl who was attached. Its become increasingly clear that she still doesn’t know what she wants, even though she is approaching marriage in less than half a year. I imagine him being in the shoes of the groom-to-be, and I shudder at how painful that marriage is going to turn out.

And yes, I know you keep telling me you believe in going after what we want in life… but I feel that if it’s a decision that has to be made by two, it isn’t as simple as that. Thus my consistently single status, and your… fluctuations. Grins.

Get over it la. I honestly think I’m better off than you.

At least, just tonight I do.

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I read finished “Out Of The Storm”, a book on Job. Yes, “Job” in the bible. I’m not getting desperate for a job. Hahahaha…

I think I really liked some of the things the author said… and how he managed to distill the poetry out of all 42 chapters, and put it into prose form inside the book… so that people like me who actually really loathe poetry can also appreciate the Book of Job.

I guess any writer would be hard-pressed to say anything good abt three of Job’s friends, who started with the good intentions of comforting Job, yet ended up dishing out their brand of theology against their perception of the self-righteousness of Job. The writer talked abt many Christians having a simplistic notion of how a just God will inevitably reward those who please him, and punish those who sin… and how there are those who extrapolate that, transforming it into the Prosperity Theology.

I sat there and started asking myself abt the other group of Christians that I’ve met in my life. They don’t have the expectation of God’s blessing and riches being poured out for obedience, but they expect our spiritual disciplines to inevitably reap tangible fruit. Thus, I’ve heard them claim before that they believe a blameless life is achievable in this lifetime, if they jealously guard their walk with God. My obvious discomfort stems from the confidence that even though they would protest how such a discipline is done by the strength of God, such a claim inevitably puts stock by how we are able to achieve what we set out to do, if we but try.

I personally tend to put a lot more stock by the habit of living under the grace and mercy of God.

However, these are Christians that I respect, that have a pretty well-balanced theology and wholistic approach to their faith. Yet such a spiritual severity leaves very little room for weaknesses, since the implicit rationale is that if you stumble, you do so because you are weak. (In fact, that was what the three friends had to say abt Job… that he was weak…)

There was a small part of Sunday’s sermon that comes to mind… where my pastor was talking abt how there is a tendency for people who set standards to ascertain spirituality, to end up with “spiritual pride”. This is when someone who sees himself on an elevated platform of spirituality, starts (consciously or otherwise) seeing how others are lacking in their approach to their faith. Such people tend to give one the feeling of inadequacy, that they are constantly being measured up on their “current state of spirituality”… thus I find myself watching what I say in front of them (for my proud person hates to be judged and found wanting), and becoming more and more unreal in front of them. Eventually I find that I’d rather cut away from them rather than feel like a hypocrite, which in a sense fulfils their projection of me as a person who never was interested in growth and so chose to avoid them.

Again I stress that these aren’t your pompous-assed Christians who trumpet how spiritual they are. These are leaders you find in every ministry, and this is a trait we’ll prob find to a certain degree in every one of us. Those who make such claims are also always quick to stress their own fallibility and sinfulness… yet its puzzling how their words and attitude continue to project the sense that they keep on remaining on their pedestals as they relate to others… So much so that I fancy they must distinguish themselves to be better than me, just lesser than God.

Ever met your fair share of such people? Bet you have.

I like what someone once said to me – true humility never speaks out against what they see… they let their quietly faithful acts of love speak for themselves.

I guess as more and more plans start to form for the Second Service, and my tendency to be a nay-sayer surfaces more and more, God has given up on subtlety when He put that book in my hands. It’s a clear enough reminder that I need to continue to offer solutions instead of offer up more problems… and to always “consider others better than self”…