I was out with Paul a while ago, and we got down to discussing the book I lent him, “The Mystery Of Marriage”. He obviously didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, and his general protest was at the “idealism” that the book espoused. He likened it to books like “Passion and Purity”, or “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, books where they described the theoretical epitome of what love should be like, while at the same time not making enough room to acknowledge just how impossible it is to ever get there.
As much as I agreed at the impossibly high standards that the book sets, I guess for me… the problem was always with the impossibly low standards we set for ourselves as we protest against the lofty standards that Mason, Harris and George have placed before us. And I told him that seeing a couple like Henry and Bernice demonstrate what it is like to have a Christ-centered relationship, I can see how the lofty standards were reached for, while at the same time conceding the fact that we are prone to fail.
What every couple does, including what I did with Grace, was to get into a relationship based on the mutual attraction we had for each other… only after that, did we try to work the “God element" into it, so as to try and steer it towards a God-centered direction. I would be hard-pressed to find fault with that approach, actually… but its safe to say that most of the time, it was the horizontal aspect of the relationship that got built, instead of the vertical. And so love becomes such hard work, where we plead the impossibility of the standards that are established in these books.
What we forget is that in something as grand and as sacred as love, it was always going to be something impossible for fallen humans to achieve. Just like how it was always going to be impossible for fallen beings like us to behold the full glory of God. Yet it also therefore becomes the one thing above anything else, that we cannot afford to compromise, and settle for less in.
So we lean on the providence of God’s grace, to help us love like only He can.
I look to Henry and Bernice, and I am more than just a little awed by the kind of relationship they have. I don’t just see each other when I look into their eyes, I really see a common worship that they share. I can see that how close they are wasn’t built by a lot of personal time together, but by the kind of worship that they have in common, of God. Their relationship has such a great capacity to accommodate others, be it cell group, the worship team, other needy people, ministry time and family obligations... not to mention work. And I believe their relationship could stand up to such intrusions because it was never about the two of them, but about the common love they have in Christ. As much as I whine abt the lack of personal space I’d want after getting attached, I know I’m the sort who would jealously want a lot of personal time with my partner. And to see how Henry and Bernice always selflessly give up their own time together to fellowship with those around them… well, its always a lesson that I learn, and that makes me appreciate them.
I don’t think there’s any way to “work at it”. Any other couple who imitates the very activities they engage in could not reproduce the kind of “holiness” that their love seems to emanate. Whatever chemistry and understanding they have of each other is always something you can feel is found in the source of their love for Christ. Its not about how sweet one party can be to another. Its not about how self-sacrificing or how nice one is to the other. Its about how when they come together, what anyone can see is that their attachment to each other is the result of their common fixation with God.
I remember the line in the song “I Will Be Here”, that goes “I will be true to the promise I have made… to you and to the One who gave you to me”, and I suddenly appreciate the sentiment of that line ten times over. All the promises made to each other in the song is worth nothing, without the ever-present acknowledgement that it’s also a promise kept to the One who brought the two of them together. I don't think I've ever seen that line before in this context, but when I did, it really blew my mind away. The bridge of a song, usually used to summarize the whole song and to lend emphasis to a chorus, was certainly used by Chapman so powerfully here.
Someone told me tonight that she’s just about ready to stop believing in relationships already. And many have been the times that I’ve felt that way. But the grandness of the love that Henry and Bernice share have shown me that good things like this are so precious that its worth waiting for, and that it’ll be worth the wait.
Its interesting how couples who are on the verge of breaking up usually all weigh their considerations on everything except “I wonder if God really is pleased with the relationship I’m currently in, and I wonder just how much my relationship is glorifying Him.” I suspect most couples are afraid to ask that question, because of the ramifications that follow. Yet often it seems that until that question is answered, all other questions abt compatibility, commitment and affections are somewhat invalid.
Its also interesting how couples who are thinking of getting together always talk abt praying over that decision, but their deliberations always seem to hover over “human factors” such as compatibility and attraction… at best they think they can see themselves serving God together, a hypothetical understanding usually borne out of a bias towards wanting to end up together. They protest over how God seems to stay silent when they ask Him for an answer, not ever considering that perhaps God’s silence is in itself an answer.
And even couples who might be doing pretty well right now often avoid the question of “Where is God in the relationship”, preferring not to rock the boat, hoping that in the future the problem would go away by itself.
Of course, having said all this, it seems that every couple in church ought to break up now. Hehz… but that’s not my point. I think it’s a decision we all have to make for ourselves, just how much do we intend to set ourselves apart to be used by God. I think after witnessing Henry and Bernice at work, I have caught a glimpse of something that I want very badly… and I would rather stay single than settle for a relationship that would make a mockery of all that I think love should be, and make a hypocrite of myself.
So… yes. I think I need to get used to the idea of singlehood for life.
Grins.
3 comments:
That's exactly what i'm saying when i say a common dream for God.. but you keep challenging my premises & force me to concede that its other things that keep a couple together. i'm not saying they're not important, but i guess for marriage to live out its God designed purpose- to forshadow the marriage between Christ & His church, both must be in Him and see that together. It's for Him and the other, always...
Having been in a "relationship" which was ill-conceived, I'd just like to weigh in with this: waiting is worth it. Even if nobody comes along. Waiting is worth it. (I know you agree with me.)
Keep dreaming buddy...
thats what i love ya for.
You never know, someday fiona might say yes.
You know, the day after i become president of the united states.
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