VERY Random Sleep-Deprived Thoughts

Can’t sleep. Haven’t really slept for quite a while already, actually…

So I was thinking to myself…

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Lots of people have said that I have this tendency to repeat myself. Lots of people have said that I have this tendency to repeat myself.

Hehz…

But I guess those who say it are just the people who have spent way too much time with me, much more than they should, so that basically whatever I have made of my 27 years of life has already been shared with them already. I mean, after a while I run out of new things to say because there’s only so much that I know, and so much that I actually do believe in.

I remember this line that came up in “Scrubs”, where J.D. was commenting that “Sometimes, when all you have are old words, you can only string them together and hope they say something new.”

Ever felt that way before? When you try to tell someone something that they’ve heard a million times before, yet you know of no other things to say to that person except the same old thing? And how you somehow decide in persist in telling that person one more time, in the hope that what you’ve been trying to say will finally sink in?

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I really feel like I’m the odd one out in my family. No one in the family really seems to get me at all.

Tonight as I sit here and I blog, I have the very strong desire to actually just take the car out for a drive down to Sembawang Park. I just want some space, in a comfortable environment, so that I can take time out to be by myself… just to recharge my batteries.

But I can’t. My parents would genuinely think that I’m being nonsensical, and that its something totally unnecessary. At best they would allow me to do so, but they’d never understand why I’d want to do something like that, and they’d make their disapproval known.

It also appears that I’m the only one in my family who just isn’t smart enough, and not much of an over-achiever like all the rest of my extended family. The things I want to make of my life, no one even within my extended family would appreciate or understand.

Its nights like these that I harbor serious questions of whether or not I’m adopted…

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I wonder to myself what goes through the mind of a non-Christian who comes to church. Today our pastor was talking abt Community Service, abt Social Justice, and abt the responsibility we as Christian have, to be the salt and the light of the world by serving the needy, and reaching out to them the way Christ did. But he repeatedly raised the consideration that we need to watch what we do, lest the non-Christians should think that we only serve with an agenda of evangelism, or lest the non-Christians feel that we in the church tend to gather in a “holy huddle”, never venturing out of the walls of our sanctuary into the real world.

I knew there was at least one non-Christian sitting right behind me, who had been attending service on a regular basis recently… and I was musing to myself what must be going through his head.

I mean, if I step into a Hindu or Bhuddist temple, and I observe the elaborate teachings and rituals that they engage in within their walls, I know for sure I’d wonder at the lengths they go to, just to express their devotions to a being that I don’t believe even exists. Yet surely for a non-Christian who insists he doesn’t believe in God, what must be running through his mind everytime he comes to service, to observe our worship, our prayers, our offerings and our teachings… all in honor of a God that he doesn’t think is real!!!

Hehz… I know its disrepectful and not right, but I know inside the Hindu and Bhuddist temple, part of me would marvel at the lengths we are able to fool ourselves into seeing what isn’t real, and believe in what doesn’t exist. And I’d look at the believers with an internal incredulity, wondering just what it would take for them to open their eyes to the folly of their ways…

And so I can’t help wondering if the guy sitting right behind me is thinking that of me!!!!

Sad huh? But it was something that actually bugged me, that someone right behind me might be thinking I’m a deluded and pitiful lunatic, giving my life to a cause that he sees as being nonsensical.

Sigh.

My ego is such a nightmare sometimes.

Grins.

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I again went back to the thought that came over me a few days ago, wondering how to refine it. It’s a pretty rough idea, and obviously in its current form its so simplistic and over-generalized to the extent that its pretty nonsensical…

But I was toying with the idea of how our human nature is always inclined to firstly see the things we want to see (i.e., be biased towards any and every situation), and secondly to always have an instinctive tendency to protect ourselves from hurt.

So when it comes to hard decisions we have to make, where one of the options invariably sets us up for a lot of pain, or that needs to be made at great cost to ourselves, we usually always see a reason to decide against paying the price. So much so that I’m tempted to tell myself that everytime I know I have a strong inclination to not make a decision because of the situation I’m in, the choice that is harder to make is probably the right choice to make.

Of course, many around me would protest at the fatalism that I speak of, and accuse me of spouting nonsense.

At this point in time I’m even inclined to agree.

But I want to spin this idea around in my head longer, and see if I can polish it more.

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Ah well.

I should just go sleep, I guess.

With any luck when I wake up tomorrow, Man Utd would have pulled off the sensational signing of Steven Gerard and Fernando Torres for a combined fee of ₤25 million, while having sold off Van Nistelrooy for ₤15 million.

With even more luck, I’d wake up and find that the past 4 years I’ve actually been in a deep coma from a serious accident, and I’m really the only son of a multi billionaire and I look like Brad Pitt.

Grins.