Commitment-Phobia?

As we wrapped up the second worship and prayer session last saturday, I was very much struck by the attendance. Not so much the fact that a lot fewer showed up, but also the randomness of our congregation.

It seems that there is no way to “have expectations” that anyone would come. There’s hardly anyone of whom I could say “Hmm… its so weird that he/she didn’t show up. Its not like him/her.” In other words, it’s a rather peculiar community we have, where commitment and obligations are such a fluid entity. And I’m a little puzzled as to just how “normal” this all is…

I find that my thoughts quickly turn to the way people in our church buy “insurance policies”. Hardly anyone wholeheartedly agrees to commit to anything, but the default position is always to simply “try my best”. And those three little words come across as being so trite when you find out their excuses for having missed a meeting or event.

“I had to run a marathon.”

“I overslept.”

“I HAD to spend time with my girlfriend/boyfriend.”

“I had *something* on.” (In other words, I was busy. And I’m not gonna tell you what with.)

“I was busy with another ministry.” (An all-time favorite excuse, by the way.)

“I needed a break.” (Another favorite, said in the seasoned tones of a ministry veteran.)

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’ve used plenty of these same excuses myself. And I know just what a phoney I was when delivering my lines. If I had been completely honest, I wasn’t even close to “trying hard” when I gave those events a miss, much less “trying my best”.

And one of the most prominent ways in which this problem manifests itself is in the church-hopping syndrome we all have. I’ve seen so many people leave our church for another, citing so many reasons along the way. So much so that if everyone in the congregation were to adopt one reason each, we could all pack up and leave the church en masse.

I’m one of the few remaining members of my fellowship, and I expect that number to dwindle even further. To be fair, a chunk of them are now overseas, so I can’t really blame them for not being around. But even then, I guess there’s room for the point that in their decision-making process, church just wasn’t important enough to make them stick around.

After all, life is all about opportunity cost, isn’t it?

So as we sit around and dabble in ministry, I’m taking a good hard look at the members of my Levite Ministry, my Life Group, and the 2nd Service congregation, and asking myself WHO CAN I COUNT ON TO STILL BE AROUND IN 5 YEARS’ TIME TO PARTNER WITH ME???

In fact, its making ME look in the mirror and asking myself if I’m also gonna be around.

Priorities

Lately I find that ministry is weighing very heavily on my mind.

Charlotte’s resignation from the worship team leaves me once more with that familiar frustration at the condition of the Levite Ministry for the past 2 years. Maybe I should rename it the “Square One” ministry, since it seems to forever be doing exactly that – going back to square one.

I mean, I don’t blame Charlotte for resigning. It was pretty evident her passion and burden was for the youths. Yes, I am very frustrated at her resignation because of the situation that it creates. But I don’t believe in telling anyone to do something that I wouldn’t do myself, so I’m glad she didn’t stay on in a ministry when her heart’s actually somewhere else.

When I was a kid, I remember a big poster on the wall that read “When God closes a door, He always opens a window.” There are days now when I wonder if it should read “… He always opens a window for you to jump through.”

I’m finding it so incredibly hard to keep the Levite Ministry going, and its only been barely a year. I know life isn’t a stroll in the park, but sometimes I think about the obstacles in the way of ministry, and its enough to break me down.

Leadership is really so lonely. Granted, I haven’t really done a lot in communicating with people, so its hard for others to share my vision and struggles with the Levite Ministry. I guess it won’t be fair to blame people, but at times its so frustrating to have people coming up to me with well-being albeit insensitive remarks.

They really mean well, and its probably what I would say to someone else in ministry… but after more than a year of being in the Levite Ministry, and coming to really OWN it, I realize that the considerations I have are weightier than what a person would normally see and consider.

I guess it’s like what Martina Navratilova said about eggs and bacon. The chicken is INVOLVED in the production of eggs, but the pig is COMMITTED to the production of bacon. I’ve had a lot of people come up to me, suggesting different people to be in different positions within the Levites Ministry, and they all don’t really understand why I am so uptight about my recruitment.

These people tell me its not my place to judge, they encourage me saying they don’t want me burnt out, and they confidently give me their personal assessment that so-and-so is really ready to lead and serve. And they don’t understand why I am so reluctant to take up on their suggestions/opinions.

I am thus viewed as stubborn, overly-critical, too negative, or that I “think too much”.

And I think its hard to blame them, since they wear lenses very differently tinted from mine. Leadership is always lonely, and always hard. I guess its times like this that I really miss having friends I could sit down and discuss ministry principles with. Those days in crusade and in fellowship where we could slowly come to an understanding of principles that govern our decision making process seems to be over. It was a time when we spent more time understanding where each other came from, instead of simply focusing on the final decision, and pushing our own agendas.

I really miss those days.

Tsunami Tuesday

People never fail to suprise me.

Someone in church whom I have always always viewed as being extremely cautious gave me a tsunami-scale shock this morning when I learnt that he's getting married.

No, getting married is perefectly normal, and he wasn't gay or anything.

The shocker is how he met the girl, got together with her, and then decided on the marriage date... all in the space of three days.

T-H-R-E-E D-A-Y-S.

That's right.

And oh, did I mention that he met the girl in China?

Sheesh!

Using the Lord's Name in Vain

Not too long ago, as I was praying with some people, an article that I read almost 20 yrs ago came back to me. The article spoke about using the Lord’s name in vain.

And right about now, the question that begs asking is… how does praying equate to using the Lord’s name in vain?

See, I’m sure many of us are familiar with a common syndrome in prayer. It goes something like this: (read out lout, with a constipated face and with the most earnest voice you can conjure up) “Lord, Lord, we come before you today, Lord, and Lord, we ask that Lord, you will bless us Lord. Lord, we pray Lord, that Lord you will be glorified Lord. Lord, that Lord you would be Lord over us all. Lord, Lord, we ask today, Lord, that you hear our prayers, Lord… etc”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mocking these folks. And many times, these are the people who pray a lot. People with a healthy prayer life, as opposed to mine. But reading the article some 18 years ago, it really left a deep impression on me, since I was an impressionable boy of 12 back then, I had been rather puzzled by why a person has to use the word “Lord” so much in his prayer. It seemed to be a mark of fervency, yet at the same time, it seems to also betray a certain lack of thought and weighted-ness.

A person who uses the word “Lord” that way seems to be using it more as a stop-gap, when his thoughts could not keep up with the speed of his rambling, and so he needed to fill the silence. He seems to be more pre-occupied with a certain form that his prayer takes on, rather than the actual words he meant to say.

And so yes, the writer of the article took umbrage at that. And please dun say that because “Lord” is not really His name, the accusation is a tad harsh. Unless you happen to be referring to, say, Cheezels when you used the word “Lord”, you are, in fact, running the risk of calling upon the Lord in vain, using meaningless and repetitive words.

So let’s all try to show a little more self-awareness in how we pray, shall we? As much as the heart is right, it needs to be backed up with our actions as well. After all, that was what Jesus was referring to when he said that “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”, isn’t it? We can’t be hiding behind the right spirit, and allow the flesh to continue being weak.

What's Left?

So here I am, more than a week passing since I finished two very very intense semesters that nearly took my life.

And with a whole tonne of things still ahead of me that I need to finish real soon, I’m instead choosing to just screw to all, and laze around doing nothing. Hehz… in the short run, at least.

Tomorrow is Rulin’s wedding. And to get into the mood, since I AM the emcee for both her church service as well as the wedding dinner, I re-watched two of my fav movies. “Closer”, starring the incredibly lovely Natalie Portman, as well as “Serendipity”, starring the English rose Kate Beckinsale. And it was quite a curious experience, watching the two side by side.

Serendipity speaks of a love so strong, that a chance meeting could bind two almost-strangers together until fate finally allowed them to end up together. And yet Closer portrays love as being so fragile that Natalie Portman’s character can go from absolutely in love to “I don’t love you anymore” in the space of an epiphany, while staying totally believable at the same time.

Funny how life itself can be so dichotomized, ain't it?

I guess the point is that its harder and harder to celebrate weddings for me. I mean, I can be happy for my friends. I really can. But that seems to be just about all I can do. There used to be a time where weddings would make me happy, and I would be energized while helping my friends out. Now, when I hear of weddings, or I help out in one, I have the emotional reaction the equivalent of buying the papers.

What makes such a realization so devastating is that less than a year ago, on the 17th of November 2008, I had posted an entry, where I said that I am banking on marriage as my last bastion of confidence. And now, I don’t even seem to have any zest for that.

Whatever the hell is happening to me?

Pls Lord, don’t let me end up as one of those bitter old men. I still wanna be someone who has a purpose and a passion in life. Something that I believe in, that gets me excited and makes me angry over.

A Prayer

Just received a heart-breaking email from Jody that said Takeshi’s 5-year old son has contracted leukemia. I was literally stunned at the news, since it was not too long ago that Seiji lost his son, Sho, to leukemia as well. And everything else that followed simply made it even harder to take.

Seiji accompanied Takeshi and his son to the hospital. This was the exact hospital where Sho was diagnosed, treated and later passed away.

Takeshi’s wife had just given birth to another child, and needs to be nursing. Thus she cannot be with their son, and it makes the birth such a bitter-sweet memory.

I can only imagine how devastating it must be for the staff team in Nagoya. Jody’s frustration sums it up best when he wrote “Please join with us in fighting for this child. Pray against a relentless enemy who plays dirty.”

Its been a whole chain of pretty bad news that have been coming out of Nagoya. Every time I read his updates, there’s something new that needs prayer, and really doesn’t sound good. Yet every single time Jody has managed to make it sound not as bad as it seems, and always hopeful. So it says a lot when he signed off this time round saying “We are all numb”.

This is on top of the bad news that Billy is again back in the ICU, and doctors are advising the family to take him off life support.

I couldn’t help but notice Jody’s email signature right before I closed the email. It was a verse from Psalm 112:6-8. It says “Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.”

I closed the email thinking to myself: what kind of a person would never be shaken by such news? What kind of person has no fear of bad news? Whose heart could ever be so steadfast, and able to trust in the Lord despite everything that he sees around him?

When I prayed a payer for Takeshi’s son, Manon, remembered a line from the movie "Into the Shadowlands", where C.S. Lewis responded to his colleagues who asked him why he still prays when it changes nothing. He said “I pray because it changes me.”

It’s a sublime reply, one that I’m still struggling to really grasp. But I guess it’s the only reason nowadays why I pray. Otherwise prayer would really be meaningless to me.

A Problem of Econs...

Since I have an Advanced English Writing paper tmr, I figured this’ll be a good time to do some “warm-up”, and prevent the inevitable writers’ block that will ensue when I sit for the paper…

School’s been a torture, not least because I’m revisiting one of my most unhappy subjects – Econs.

For someone who loves to think that I am more inclined towards social sciences rather than hard sciences, Econs remains one of many subjects that baffles me. (Some other topics that baffles me include poetry, calculus, the Chinese language, women… ect)

Its interesting, therefore, that I should also have just finished watching a Global Leadership Summit session, where they interviewed Richard Curtis. He’s a pretty big-shot scriptwriter in Hollywood, who’s churned out its like Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill (one of my all-time favorites), and Love Actually. He started sharing some of the principles that governed his working process, and then moved on to his passion – eradicating world poverty.

Its hard to remain unmoved when you hear him share. It hit me even harder when Bill Hybels wrapped up the session by addressing the conference, saying that it was a profoundly DISTURBING experience interviewing Richard Curtis. Here was a man who has difficulty figuring out his faith, yet doing a hundred times more than Bill himself, serving a cause that our Lord championed when He was here on earth. Not only that, but in the interview Richard Curtis was cheering the church on, exhorting it to do more.

“Breaking your heart with the things that breaks God’s heart” was always a prayer I held close to my heart. When I was in JC, I remember very often asking God to keep me from turning into an adult who is able to see the things that breaks God’s heart, and be dispassionate about it. I want to still feel as emotional and affected by these things, in the hope that it will spur me to action, instead of hardening my heart.

So why should it be that listening to Richard Curtis is interesting in light of my econs? Well, I personally believe that a proper understanding of how the world works is infinitely helpful in trying to rid the world of social injustice. Put it another way – my understanding of Goethe and Milton is a lot further removed from being useful towards the cause.

But it remains one of my biggest mental blocks, overcoming econs. Everytime I get stuck at a concept, my failure to nail it previously comes back to haunt me.

And so here I stand, once more, back where I began. I guess I have to cross this hurdle no matter how much I try to duck. Maybe telling myself that it can be useful to me next time will motivate me further to try harder.

Stress

Stress is NOT having stiff shoulders and stiff necks.

Stress is NOT having no appetite and feeling a little nauseous.

Stress is NOT being unable to sleep soundly.

Stress is NOT feeling the blues.




Stress is when you wake up on a saturday morning, read the clock that says "10:03am" and jump out of bed thinking "SHIT! I OVERSLEPT FOR MY 10am PAPER!!!", then realise its actually still 2 days away.

Spiritual Mathematics

Just something that popped into my head today as I was staring at my graphs on Binomial Distribution.

At the back of my head was the bible study discussion for tonight during Life Group, on Hebrews chapter 2. The basic gist was again the reminder to not drift. “Don’t drift!” would have been my catch phrase for the night, had I been leading it. (Thank God Weifeng agreed to take the session. No way would I have had the time to prepare it. As it turned out, I really dodged a bullet. Grins.)

And so there I was, with the graph staring at me, trying to make sense of the MEAN, and the STANDARD DEVIATION, and it suddenly struck me… that’s what our spiritual lives are like! God has given us the Word, which lays down for us what He expects of us. Hebrews 12:14 says “Without holiness, no one can see God.” So, assuming that the Holiness that God expects of us is the MEAN. All of us will fall short of it, veering off to either side of the mark. The question is, how many STANDARD DEVIATIONS are we away from the standard that God has for us?

Some of us fall into the left side, choosing to indulge in our sinful depravity, whilst others fall into the other side, “playing church” and having the “form, but not the power”. Whichever way it is, in some sense that’s what we all are like, isn’t it? We all have our own “standard deviations” away from the MEAN – which is what we’re slowly being called towards – and very often that STANDARD DEVIATION only increases over the years.

Made me think of a very old song, by Hillsongs, called “Believe”. Back then, it struck me how cute the lyrics was, “I say on Sunday, how much I want revival. Then on Monday, I can’t even find my bible.” Almost 10 years on, its not that funny anymore to realize that there’s a part of me that still hasn’t changed. I’m still feeling the exact things that the rest of the song goes on to talk about. And if it had been a new song that just came out yesterday, I’d be raving about “this awesome song that totally describes how I feel…”

So, yes… once more its back to basics.

Lord, I believe in You. I believe in the power of Your Word and its Truth. I believe in You. So I lay down my cause, that my cross might be found in You.

Paul Scholes Tribute

ALEX FERGUSON took real flak for the team he picked. A bunch of unknown kids in an important cup game.

No, we are not talking about Sunday’s FA Cup semi-final.

The date was September 21, 1994 when a certain Paul Scholes lined up alongside the likes of Gary Neville, Nicky Butt and David Beckham for his debut.

He would score twice as Manchester United won 2-1 at Port Vale in the Coca-Cola Cup second round.

Questions were asked in Parliament about Fergie belittling the competition with the team he picked. Soon, though, nobody argued with those four playing.

Fast forward 15 years and Scholes will make his 600th appearance for the Red Devils in tonight’s Prem game against Portsmouth at Old Trafford.

One of the greatest but most unassuming figures to play the game, the 34-year-old continues to turn it on.

There can be no higher praise than that coming from United legend Sir Bobby Charlton, who places Scholes as his all-time favourite player.

Sir Bobby said: “Many great players have worn the shirt of Manchester United. Players I worshipped, then lost with my youth in Munich.

“Players like Denis Law and George Best who I enjoyed so much as team-mates and now, finally, players I have watched closely in the Ferguson era.

“And in so many ways Scholes is my favourite. I love his nous and conviction that he’ll find a way to win, to make the killer pass or produce a decisive volley.

“When a game reaches a vital phase, these qualities seem to come out of his every pore. He’s always on the ball. He’s always looking to bring other people into the action and if he loses possession you think he must be ill.”

Boss Fergie said: “His contribution and his quality and some of the fantastic goals he has scored have been great.

“Even on Sunday in the FA Cup semi-final when he came on, his first touch of the ball was better than anybody else on the park had done for the whole previous hour.
“He has that wonderful velvet touch on the ball. Amid the mayhem that can happen in a game it is wonderful to see.

“To reach 600 games is fantastic, considering he has had three or four long injuries in that career. He has had two knee operations and his eye problem a couple of years ago. He has probably missed more than a year of football so that would have put him nearer 700.”
Scholes is fourth in the all-time United list for appearances behind only Bill Foulkes (688), Sir Bobby (758) and, at the top, Ryan Giggs (798).

Scholes has hit 142 goals for United and is one of the best volleyers and long-range shooters the game has seen.

He has always been a one-club man. The Salford-born player joined United when he was 14 and has been there ever since.

Ferguson said: “Funnily enough, we have never had one enquiry for Paul and you know why? Because they all know. They all know he would never leave. That said, he could have played in any league in Europe. No problem.”

Tonight Scholes will no doubt wonder what all the fuss is about. A devoted family man who loves playing football, yet hates being a modern footballer.

The midfielder said: “Part of me will be glad to finish.

“I can’t say I can’t wait to finish but I’m looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it.

“The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer I will not miss at all.

“People are just very invasive aren’t they? They are always wanting to know what you have been doing and what you’re going to do.

“I’m sure I’ll go to watch United. My lad Owen is absolutely mad on Man United. But that’ll be as far as it goes.” Scholes has given himself one more season after this before he finally hangs up his boots. He will not go overboard about the medals he has won but the one he treasures most is last season’s Champions League gong.

Scholes, like Roy Keane, missed the 1999 final through suspension. He was awarded a medal but it never meant anything to him.

He said: “I don’t view myself as a double Champions League winner.

“You’ve got to play in the final for it to count. So it meant everything to win it. It was a great night.”

Scholes earned 66 England caps, scoring 14 goals and retired from internationals after Euro 2004.

He said: “I am lucky in that I’ve had everything I need. I’m at Manchester United. What more do I need?”

*************************************************************************************

Scholes has been hailed by some of soccer’s greatest names over the years.

ZINEDINE ZIDANE: “My toughest opponent? Scholes of Manchester. He is the complete midfielder. Scholes is undoubtedly the greatest of his generation.”

EDGAR DAVIDS: “I’m not the best, Paul Scholes is. We can all learn from Paul Scholes.”

MARCELLO LIPPI: “Paul Scholes would have been one of my first choices for putting together a great team — that is how highly I have always rated him.

“An all-round midfielder with quality and character in abundance.”

LAURENT BLANC: “I tell anyone who asks me — Scholes is the best English player.”

THIERRY HENRY: “Without any doubt the best player in the Premiership has to be Paul Scholes.

“He knows how to do everything, and he is the one who directs the way his team plays. On top of all that, he has indestructible mental strength, and he is a genuine competitor.”

PETER SCHMEICHEL: “His reading of the game is unsurpassed. He has the best eye for a pass, for what the play or the game needs at that precise moment, that I have never seen anyone else have.

“He controls and distributes the play and the game better than anyone I have ever seen.”

How Do I Say...

Communication is hard. It should be distinguished from "getting through to people".

When you're merely communicating, you're doing no more than relaying an idea, without any consideration wih regards to consequences. To get through to a person requires hard work, wisdom, creativity, patience and a whole lot of love.

Allow me to elaborate.

A good preacher doesn't speak on the pulpit like he's reading off a Bible commentary. A Bible commentary is a tool that merely communicates either a truth, or an opinion, or a fact. A preacher needs to get through to his audience. Thus, he needs to take into account a lot of other factors - context of the audience, culture of the place, maturity of the listeners, and also sensitivity to the general mood at large, just to name a few. If you are one of those loud-mouthed speakers who believe that as long as you're preaching from the Bible, then God is surely behind you - you usually end up communicating your point across, but leaving everyone angry, offended and altogether worse off than before you had spoken. In other words, you failed to get through to your audience. A well-crafted message that puts in the due process of figuring out what's the best way to get your point through is ultimately what needs to be done, in order to build people up and be constructive.

But getting through to people is pretty much a lost art, isn't it? Parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, casual friends, colleagues, brothers and sisters in church... etc, we're all so good at communicating, but suck at getting through to each other. We think that as long as what we say is right, then we've done nothing wrong, and said nothing wrong.

"I'm not nagging, I'm just suggesting/reminding".

"I'm not judging you, but I'm just stating a fact."

"I'm not being negative here, but I'm just showing you what the reality of the situation is."

"I didn't do anything wrong. He deserved to be scolded. Just look at what he did!"

"I know you think you've tried. But you need to try more. You're just aiming too low. I mean, what have you really managed to get done?"

"What's wrong with you? Why are you getting upset? I'm only saying this for your own good. I won't be telling you all this if I didn't care about you."

"Stop being so defensive, and listen to what I have to say. You're in this mess now because you never did listen to what I said."

Those are just a few of the many examples of things we've heard someone say to us, or we've said to some other victim before. Maybe those things are partially true. Heck, maybe they're ABSOLUTELY 100% true. And if your intention is to communicate your point, then you've done so faultlessly. But if you were trying to get through to that person and really help that person, then you've failed 100% to do so.

And the trickiest thing about this is that its one of the fastest ways to destroy any relationship. Kids hate their parents and stop talking to them because of it. Couples quarrel cos they cannot stand being picked on. Friendships are broken because one person cannot take the criticism and chooses to withdraw. And churches are divided because everyone is more interested in being right, rather than righteous before God.

My advice? Stop being the moral compass to the people around you. If they do something wrong, there's no need to criticize. Chances are, many have already done so. In fact, chances are that the person ALREADY knows. Instead, just be a friend still, and spend more time being encouraging when he/she does something right. (In fact, if you're by default encouraging, your lack of encouragement at certain times will speak louder than if you voiced your disagreements.) These things help strengthen the friendship and community, which in due process allows the person "at fault" to feel safe enough to approach you with their problem. And ONLY when a person comes to you on his own terms, is he ready to discuss his "problem".

Oherwise, you'll never be getting through to that person.

Congeniality

Was reading a book by Michael Card, and one thing he quoted stuck with me. He was mentioning that the new evangelical challenge is not geographical distance, but cultural distance. And I guess he could not have been more succinct that that.

We keep talking about this world being a global village, and how technology is bringing everyone closer together – planes fly faster, and we’ve progressed from emails to Facebook and now Twitter… Blackberries enable us to be reachable even in unmentionable places…

So am I the only one who feels people are drawing further and further away from each other?

Evagelism aside… even being friends is getting harder. At 30 yrs old, it really is getting harder and harder to make and keep friends, isn’t it? At 16, there weren’t much differences that mattered enough to divide you from the mob, and so everyone’s your best friend and worth dying for.

Slowly, as idealogical differences become more entrenched in ourselves, we find it harder to accept why some of our friends could actually believe what they do. We get offended, we find it awkward to express our disagreements, and many times the way we disagree quickly becomes a sore spot that evntually turns into a wall. Friends who achieve much more than you becomes either iritating or intimidating, subconsciously driving you away from them, unfairly leaving them more stranded and perhaps even angry.

If the church is God’s tool for changing the world and improving it, maybe it needs to spend more time emphasizing Community rather than Commission. I know that there are those who will burn me at the stake for saying this… but we really should take some time to think about what we’re inviting non-believers into when invite them to church.

I’m not talking about core doctrinal truths that need to be adhered to, of course. If Jesus says He’s the ONLY way, we should definitely stand up and give an apologia whenever someone says something to the contrary. BUT, do we really need to do so with all that vindictiveness that we often show? Are we able to recognize that salvation is something fundamentally important to us, but still be gracious in offering our beliefs in the face of opposition? Many times our Christian persecution in a culture like Singapore comes not in the form of physical persecution, but emotional rejection and derision.

“I’ve had the gospel preached to me before. And because of that person, I’m definitely not interested in hearing about the gospel anymore.” I’ve heard this statement way too often already. Many times, this occurs not because we’re zealous for the gospel, but because we’re zealous for OUR POINT to be accepted.

I really like what our church is doing for Billy right now. No overtly over-the-top attempts at sharing the gospel. Just lots of concern and prayer. That’s what church should be like! "Don’t like what we have to say? Fine – then judge us by what we do, and let us know if you like what you see." When we are imitators of Christ in this world – which is to say, when we lift Him up – He will draw all men to Himself.

Try it for yourself. Its awesome to watch Him in action.

Don’t think it works? Hey, Billy’s wife accepted Christ!

Eat that!

Cynicism, Eat Your Heart Out!!!

Been seeing so much chatter about a certain Susan Boyle on different news sites, that I decided to go check her out myself... and BOY, did she blow a huge chunk of my jadedness away.

I think its the romance of the underdog that overturned the tables and emerged. A real-life example of Shrek, if you will, of how we need to look past the external and reach out to the person inside.

REALLY appropriate, in light of what I had blogged about just before this, abt the mystery inside a person, and the need to look deep inside.

nouvelle star angleterre 2009 Susan Boyle
Uploaded by myonlylover11

Secrets of the Heart

The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed;
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed

- Charlotte Bronte

This quote came to my mind out of the blue today. I first came across it more than 12 years ago when I was doing literature at ‘A’ Levels, then again many many years later in the movie “Definitely Maybe”.

Maybe it’s something I told Caleb last night, coupled with something Weixiu said as well. I’m a lot quicker to peg people now, and I was telling Caleb of someone that I’ve lost touch with because I think I’ve figured that person out, and decided that it serves no purpose to indulge him/her by “catching up”. It made me wonder about the time when I would spend hours and hours with a friend, trying to know him or her better, and working on that friendship. Weixiu mentioned last night that its getting harder and harder now to make new friends, and I replied that I took a lot of joy in being invisible when I visited CEFC Woodlands on Sunday.

What’s the link?

I think mystery always appeals to people. As Charlotte Bronte said, in the context of the human heart, there is a certain attraction to that which is mysterious and unknown. Ravi Zacharias once said that this world is too eager to “figure everything out”, thus making us lose our sense of wonder. The wonders and beauty of nature can be broken down into a textbook that “wearies the body” (Eccelsiastes 12:12), instead of refreshing the soul by the sheer wonder of it all, amplified by its mystery.

Then I think about the broad spectrum of relationships that I’ve seen around me, and the two extremes of the relationships that I’ve been in – One where we walked away recognizing that we barely knew each other, and the other now where we might run into the danger of knowing each other too well! (You know, since they say that familiarity breeds contempt.)

I think the hunger to know is good. If we were content to let God remain a mystery and not seek Him out, we would be so much poorer for it today. If he had not discovered electricity, mankind would not have been be able to enjoy ESSENTIAL comforts such as air-conditioning today (Bless your soul, Benjamin Franklin).

HOWEVER, too much of a good thing can be bad. I speak for myself here. Sometimes, after knowing a person for a long time, I’m too quick to assume that I’ve figured him out, and automatically peg him in a certain way. In Bronte’s words, its as if his charms have been broken. All because I think I’ve unlocked the secrets in his human heart.

Now, this post is probably a follow-up to my Easter post on reconciliation. An after-shock, if you’ll pardon the earthquake analogy. Maybe I need to “un-peg” my friends. Especially the ones I’m angry and not ok with. Maybe I need to once more recognize that, being made in the image of God, there’s still a lot of mystery left in everyone. A lot of potential for good, if I could but see it. Last year at Easter, I posted a song called Mercy Saw Me. Its chorus summed it up perfectly: “Beautiful – That’s how Mercy saw me”.

But its really hard work. Its hard to look at someone and not let all the past experiences shape our response to him/her. Hard to love someone and see someone the way Mercy does. So much easier to rely on my own experience and put up walls and barriers. It’ll DEFINITELY save time, and DEFINITELY save us from disappointments. It might even save us from looking stupid for having tried… and at 30 years old, its VERY VERY hard to not let disappointments and weariness eat at you… but I guess that’s why the Bible keeps reminding us we don’t do it by our own strength.

Lord, teach me to delight in the secrets of the human heart. In its secrets kept and its silences sealed. The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams and the pleasures that each one has. And break not those charms whenever they’re revealed.

Hey Look! Its a Blue Moon Easter!!

Today is Easter Sunday. That means 3 days ago, it was Good Friday.

The irony is, Good Friday’s not good.

Its actually really bad, because it’s the day that our Lord and Saviour died, so that sorry chaps like us can have any chance this side of eternity to live meaningful lives that reflect the glory of the Lord who died for the sake of even those who can’t understand what a delightful gift has been offered to us.

Today is Easter Sunday. Its supposed to be a joyful occasion, meant to be lived out in stark contrast to the mourning and grieving of Good Friday. Many people watch The Passion of Christ on Friday, to remind themselves of the pain that Jesus suffered for our sake. Many also fast over the weekend, in the spirit of pensive reflection and meditation of what the Lord’s suffering means for us.

So WHAT HAVE I DONE OVER THIS WEEKEND, AND WHAT HAVE I DONE TODAY?

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Really.

Really really.

Well… maybe not.

I’ve been thinking.

I chanced upon the picture above on POST SCRETS, which I haven’t really visited in a long long time.
At the same time, I’ve been visited by the theme of reconciliation this whole week, leading up to today. On so so so so so many occasions. From Weimin’s stories of Edie’s fallout with a colleague, to some of the stuff Hanley and I were talking about, to hearing that my friend’s divorce has come through, to conversations abt Ministry, to conversations abt Henry and Bernice, to new stories I hear abt church conflict, to even petty tales of my classmates and their feud with each other… etc. Its really been a bewilderingly overwhelming series of stories abt broken relationships/friendships, and reconciliation.

And in case you’re slow on the uptake, Easter is all about reconciliation. Its all abt the reconciliation between God and mankind, and the inherent call therefore for all man to be reconciled with each other.

But herein lies the root of my question: What does reconciliation with each other mean?

Of course, like I’ve shared with a couple of people just not too long ago, the one name that pops up like a red flag inside of me when I’m faced with the question of “who should I reconcile with” is… drumroll… my dearest and bestest-of-the-bestest friend, Andrew. (No, don’t worry. This isn’t another tirade against him.)

But yeah, he remains the one and only example of a person that I can’t bring myself to forgive. I’ve never known what it is like to not be able to forgive someone. I lived my whole life under the shelter of grace (pardon the irony), believing that as long as the Lord could see it somehow to forgive me, how could it be so difficult to ever forgive anyone? You just need to try.

But Andrew remains the one person I want to have absolutely nothing to do with, and the one person who leaves me puzzled why anyone else would bother with him. (Yes, it makes it twice as puzzling why my ex adores him so much.)

But today at service, I find myself therefore asking God – what does it mean when You want me to be reconciled with others? Are You simply asking that I no longer seethe with hatred and anger at the mere mention/thought of his name? Are You asking that I go and beg forgiveness for any wrong I’ve done him, then wait till the day I die for him to come and say that all’s well with us now? Are You expecting that everything should go back to the way it was, and we be chummy friends with each other?

I find myself at an utter loss, actually. God didn’t answer me (even though He’s supposed to have risen today.).

Aside from the Big A, I’ve also had too many friendships that were great while they lasted. Then the friendship took a beating along the way, and now things are just never the same again. Admittedly, a lot of it was my fault, but come one, he started it first! (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) But ok, seriously… I’ve had so many relationships/friendships that have “gone bad”, that when I saw this picture on POSTSECRETS, I really took to it immediately.

So Lord, until You answer my questions, the best I can come up with is this:

Reconciliation is good, but its not for everyone. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to NOT reconcile. The best thing to do is to NOTHING the person.

In other words, I could certainly do well to stop bad-mouthing Andrew, I could certainly do well to not even use his name as an excuse to throw a dig or make a bad joke. But it would be foolish to go up to him the next time we meet, and try to see if we could start talking again. Sometimes when hurts run too deep, and the friendship that existed before isn’t deep enough to cover over the damage done, its better to just become strangers and walk away totally.

That basically means, as long as I can cut out Andrew TOTALLY from my life (i.e., refrain from even the petty digs at him), I’d be able to face God next Easter and say that I am reconciled. (Some purists won’t be satisfied with that. They will require me to go up to him anyway and get spat in the face before they’ll accept this option as good enough. Thank the Lord I’m not a purist, and don’t really care what they say.) Grins.

For my other friendships that have gone off tangent, I guess the only thing for me to do is to go back to treating them the way I used to, and see how they respond to that. Some I learn to keep at a distance because that’s the best way for the friendship to go. Others I pray somehow we can adapt the friendship to be meaningful once more.

And I guess that’s my Easter take-home for this year. I think I’m doing ok, for a change. By the plan that I’ve mapped out, I’m almost through reconciling with all around me. Oh, I still have abt two or three people I’m still not ok with, but hopefully I have the rest of the year to work on that.

Happy Easter, Lord.

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009

And so it is that 2009 has finally arrived. So many things have simultaneously happened in the last 2 months that I’ve hardly had time to breathe. The most obvious was the financial crisis that has more or less laid to rest my option of going overseas to study. Perhaps after so much talk about me being the one who is reluctant to go overseas, God had other plans for me after all.

Then there was the huge mess that erupted about my housing arrangements due to the complicated business of rental and tenancy that my family now has. In a nutshell, we stay in a rented apartment whilst our own place is rented out. The reason being that my 2 retired parents get to make some income out of the balance to support their recalcitrant unemployed son. And since both leases expire around the end of the year, its been a crazy circus of deciding whether or not to keep the current arrangement and source for new tenants, or to just move in.

And there was the terrible business of my friend discovering that her husband of 16 years has had a second wife for 11 of those years, and has 2 kids. Quite a bolt out of the blue, and it was just a little more than I could handle, trying to help her in her moment of grief. I really don’t understand how some people can sleep at night. In a way, it must be such a wonderful thing to be devoid of a conscience and a heart. Such people are probably the only ones who sleep soundly at night, and can live with themselves being who they are. I guess adultery is one of the most extreme forms of betrayal, which has always remained a very sore spot for me. It made me really angry with her husband, and it made me extra determined to do what I can to help her – which in turn left me feeling even more hapless.

Church continues to spiral more and more into trouble, and I’ve just been vacillating between rage at the way things are, and the decision to commit myself even more in order to help things instead of merely bitching. As I write, I’m on the brink of losing 2 of the strongest pillars of my personal community as well as ministry, and my cell group is officially disbanded. In place of the rubble, I will most likely be starting a new cell group, co-leading with Weimin, just as I will have to commit even more to the worship ministry. All this at the point in time when I shall be starting school yet again, and cannot afford to screw up.

So yes, the end of 2008 has been even more doom and gloom than the pessimist in me would have expected.

And so as I sit and type, I find myself asking what’s the question I need to be asking for 2009? Is it how I should change my attitude? (Be more positive and proactive, and I’d do more good than merely whining?) Or is it more New Year Resolutions, only this time I be less ambitious and set more tangible goals that can be realistically achieved? Or perhaps I should start asking myself what’s really important to me, so that I don’t go charging through 2009 fighting fires for everything ranging from family to church to studies to relationship.

I really don’t know…