You know, there are good days and there are bad days. This is an I-Don't-Know day. What kindda day is that, you ask? Well, I Don't Know. So there.

Ha.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Crap. Bored out of my skin, that's what I am, trying desperately hard to squeeze life out of phonetics and argumentations. English sometimes can be even more foreign than Yiddish. Mostly, that happens the minute I'm supposed to use it in an academic sense. I usually have no problems with my grammar until my tuition kids asks me something, after which I suddenly don't know what the hell is the correct way of saying it. And I usually have no problems with my pronunciation or the way I like to articulate my argument, till Dr A, my lecturer, asks me why I choose this method of argumentation over another, and to name me the apparent fallacies in my own argument. Bloody hell, if I had KNOWN what the fallacies were, why the hell would I have believed in that argument? You'd think someone with that much studying under her belt would have knwon the meaning of the term "blind spot". But nnnooooo.... not so.

Wonder if the after effects of my fever, but I'm feeling decidedly waspish today, and irritable. Also feeling really err... there's no equivalent to the word "sian". Expresses a whole range of words within. So there I go. This blog is turning out into the perfect whine page man... I come on and feel sorry for myself for no apparent reason, then try my hardest to go back to study. Then once I start studying, I suddenly remember why I'm feeling so sorry for myself.

Turn back the clock. Yeah, its one of those days. If I could turn back the clock 4 yrs... Just 4 yrs... 4 ruddy years that could well now cost me the rest of my life. When the hell did 4 yrs have the power to do that? How can screwing up for 4 yrs screw me up for life? All of a sudden, the world I live in seems so unforgiving.

You know what, just turn it back 26 yrs. Then make sure my parents weren't horny enough to have given birth to me. Mebbe that's a better solution, if we could turn back the clock to begin with.

Shit. Need to feel less irritable.

Happy thoughts, Peng.

Raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens...

Rotten tomatoes and newly culled chickens...

Oops. Got away there for a while.

Grins.

Who am I?

No, I'm not being melodramatic, mad, or listening to Les Miserables while feeling lonely and miserable (yes, all your people out there.. wince at my humour...), but a poem, written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

Who Am I
Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell’s confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They also tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?


Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.


Sometimes I feel like I've moved on from not knowing what I want, to simply not knowing who I am. I still remember that a fav topic of a female staff in Campus Crusade when I was just a freshman, was on the question of my Identity in Christ. And it seemed that for the 2 subsequent years that I've gotten to know Charis, that topic invariably came up. And now I wonder if it wasn't such a bad idea after all, that she kept harping about it.

There are mainly 2 reasons for repeating something all the time - you either hope to drill it into the minds of people, or else it os the other - you seek to keep reminding yourself. And sometimes when I question who I am, when measured up against what I desire out of life nowadays, I really don't know who I am anymore. Days when I feel like what he said - weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making.

Poeple ask me what's wrong, and I don't know. Am just feeling really heavy hearted, like I'm an 80 yr old man with the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I'd feel utterly silly saying that, knowing the real burdens that some people actually shoulder. Yet in my mind, my burden's as heavy, and as without a name or a form. The only thing that seems real about it is the weight it leaves in my mind and my shoulders.

I shd have been born an idiot. That way I'd weep more over the death of Kurt Cobain than I would feel any weight at all on my shoulders. Airheads tend to be pretty light after all. Grins.

Wow... to think its friday already. And it feels like I just penned the previous blog only last night. Well, what have I done this week? Err... come to think of it, very little. Been down with a fever most of the week, and mostly spent it in bed with a really bad bodyache.

You know, there are days when I'm whiny, and days when I'm just downright depressed. Mostly depressed cos I'm disappointed with myself. How did I let myself end up this way? It all started going downhill from NS, when my work attitude and work ethic started evaporating in the midst of my environment, and that mostly stayed with me into NUS. And so today, I reap the consequences of a habit I had sown almost 7 yrs ago. Faced with a broken relationship, and the semi-real prospect that I might not be graduating at all, a contract that was terminated, and the dawning realisation that at 25 yrs of age I'm still dependant on my family to support me... man!!! Just what the hell is wrong with me??? My greatest fear is that I'm gonna end up at a MacDonald's joint, or as a taxi driver, and become the example that every parent in church uses to warn their kids that they need to work hard to avoid being a classical underachiever.

I actually told myself that if I were born in a rich family, it'd be a lot easier to solve things. Heck, I even managed to convince myself that if I were filthy rich, the perfect scenario instead of going full-time would be to keep being a student, and thus keeping myself free to serve in church. Sounds cool huh? At least I won't have to fret anymore abt taking my parents' retirement money to support myself, or go study again. Shit man. Money sure solves a heck of a lotta problems. Is my obsession with money craven? I don't know.

Today's QT says "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Prov 19:21

So what in the world is your purpose, Lord? Could it be possible to so screw up that Your purposes don't get fulfilled simply because your good purposes needs to be worked at to achieve? And since I'm so darned lazy and unable to work at anything, therefore nothing good will come out of it?

I picture myself at 30 yrs old, without a stable job, without a wife, without any achievements, and with my fellowship in church just about totally disintegrated, and I wonder if there's really gonna be anything worth living for beyond 30 yrs old. Didn't it use to be a heck of a lot easier? Before I entered NS, I was full of ideals, and full of zeal for the Lord. I had the zest to do a lotta stuff. Now I find myself a lot more cynical. I once thought I was merely wiser, yet I now recognize I am but cynical. That true wisdom allows for much belief in ideals and dreams, that this world rejects. Paul's blog mentions the relationship between adulthood and maturity, but I think there is a big difference between worldly maturity and Godly wisdom. Inevitably, worldly maturity brings about the loss of much innocence, and the onset of cynicism. Godly wisdom maintains a fear of the Lord, and the childlike faith that believes the lofty ideals of a 5 yr old is still as valid at 50. Or mebbe that's just my understanding of the way the world works for me.

Of course, this is where Paul will make his comments at what I fail to understand of his predicament, and what he is thinking.

Grins.

I just finished reading an entire book in one sitting. "Tuesdays with Morrie". Its pretty well known. Ironically, I only got down to reading it cos I ended up having an afternoon to kill, and was walking past a bookshop. So I decided to see what the big hoo-ha was all about. Its a fascinating read, with all the feel-good ingredients that you'd want to find, inspirations about what's really important in life, aphorisms that you'd find in "Chicken Soup For The Soul", and for me, a subsumed point of how life can start all over again even at the age of 37. Right before I started on the book, I was listening to songs such as Iris, Sad Clown, When God Ran... etc. Songs of either loneliness, or of redemption. And Mitch Albom, the author of the book, found redemption once again in the last months of an old man in his seventies.

Ironically, I'm now in the process of writing a paper about the search for meaning in life. And when I close the book, I find myself once again stuck between two worlds. One of cynicism that chooses to see how everything can grey itself out, where things become a lot more complicated than the simple aphorisms that Morrie espoused in his dying days, or I can be a lot more naive and simply accept that its possible to live out those principles, and that life doesn't have to be as complicated as we make it out to be. On a good day in church, I'm the naive person. On a bad day, I sneer at the prescriptivism of those values, while inwardly wistfully holding out to some hope that what they claim is possible, if I could but see things differently.

What is it about people who can live out lives of such simplicity, and still be able to touch people's lives at a level that I can't understand? Last night Weixiu told me that people in church find me hard to understand, that I think too much. I shudder to think how my church people would react to half the Arts Faculty in NUS. Me? Half the time I hardly think, but just throw things off the top of my head without much processing, operating on an instinct that's more often way off course than not. And yet, I have to admit that I believe I think more about life than most people in church, including Weixiu. Yet at the end of the day, she's the one who's probably managed to make a positive difference in people's lives than I have been. People come to me only when they're in deep shit. People go to her all the time. I'm like a pill that some of my friends pop when they have a headache, after which I'm put back into the cold storage to await the next time I'm needed. People like to reach for hope, and she gives them that. Most of the time, I prefer to hide behind a mask of cynicism, while she manages to be unabashed by her brand of optimism. I guess that's why most people go to her.

Not that this is a self-pitying session, or a time to renew my bitching. I'm just genuinely confused. Does this world have to be as complicated as I make it out to be? Was Jesus' world really as complicated as the way I made it out. Was His mind really thinking of, and aware of the things that I seem to think? Half the time when Paul's in his moods, and he poses his questions in the bleakest manner possible, was that real? Or issit actually possible to be so concerned with Kingdom Matters that all else, will like the song says "And the things of this earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and Grace".

Nor is this cos I'm feeling down. Hey, anything in the light of Paul's problems, will also grow strangely dim. Grins. And there's my analogy. Is it possible for my mind to be so preoccupied with what's on God's heart, that all else, that I now seem to not be able to help but see, will seem unimportant, and of no weight? So that all the Christian axioms will actually seem more real and plausible than the worldly troubles and complications that seem to engulf everything.

TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS
O soul, are you weary and troubled
No light in the darkness you see
There's a light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conquerors we are

His Word shall not fail you - He promised
Believe Him and all will be well
Then go to a world that is dying
His perfect salvation to tell

You know, sometimes, you're just absolutely baffled by how you think you know someone pretty well now, only to realise you don't know the person at all. I mean, throw in the fact that you've sorta known him since you were born, shared every secret, every dream... even every joy, pain, glory and shame. Yet, after all this... I've come to realise that I still dunno myself at all. Grins.

Just a couple of days ago Paul nearly just broke down when again his ex decided to treat him like the way she treats just about everyone about her - like nothing. And he finally confessed that he's still not over her, even after more than 2 yrs. And that really got me thinking - So how big a bastard am I, that I really don't feel as strongly towards Grace, even though we spent 4 yrs together? Or is it just that Paul's a bigger moron than I am, that he's still unable to get over Jos? I mean, lotsa pple come up to me and said that they think I'm better off without Grace. Well, wait till they see Jos man... Grace would seem like an angel beside me, compared to Jos. Sorry Paul, the truth hurts... hehz...

So would I actually ever treat Grace like Paul treats Jos, if ever she tries to come back to my life? I like to think Grace has a bit more backbone, and even if not, she still has Andrew. So either way, I don't see her coming back into my life unless she has a major fallout with Andrew. But would I allow her back? I mean, I'm trying to picture how hard it is for Paul to turn Jos away if she calls him up, crying, and says she needs a friend. And I think - yeah, I'd probably also agree to be there for her. But I think I'm probably a lot more bitter about my breakup than Paul was, so I think in a big way, that resentment will actually help me stay away from getting back with her.

Dammit. Now I'm the bad guy. Hehz... sigh... back to my mugging, I guess. Lotsa deadlines these 2 weeks to meet. Man Utd just crashed out of the Euro Cup due to sheer stupidity. Help.

Its Monday morning. Again. And cell again left me troubled. Troubled because bible study inevitably presents such a black and white picture of the way the world is. Something that once I step out of church, I find myself unable to match up with reality. Why is that so? Why is it that inside church, at bible study, its so easy to have an alternative perspective, and be convinced that it’s the right perspective? Am I just slightly less gullible than the Christian who takes these platitudes into their weekday life, and actually believe its do-able? I who simply take it in on Sunday, but go back to the week and see how it doesn’t work – am I then less gullible? Or simply less teachable? Does my inability to maintain that perspective therefore mean I actually don’t love God, and so am unable to value Him and His ways above the realities of the world?

Talk abt a quarter-life crisis man. Here I am at 25, without a degree, without a job, without a driving license, without a girl, without any real confidence that I’ll graduate, without a clue what I’m gonna do with my life… I guess apart from being born without hands, feet, arms, legs, nose, eyes, etc… that’s abt as bad as my life can get… So who am I to stand on the pulpit and lead the congregation in worship, and tell them to let God take control of their life? My own life, in the mess that its in, seem to offer no indication at all that I’ve let God lead. And of course, I who once loved to advocate living a life that leaves no room for regret has ironically come to regret so much abt the past 4-5yrs of my life, which I absolutely blew.

Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me I'm the lonely one
I live in shame

I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end

I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down, I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around to love in vain

I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end

And I feel the time is right although I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do

But I have to take this chance goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you

Come on now

I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end

And the weather is looking fine, and I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again

I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end.


What a great song man. I listened to the version by Lisa Loeb. Loved it. Its got absolutely nothing to do with romance, actually. Talks abt an end of things, and I think Lisa Loeb did an absolutely brilliant job with it. It’s a raining Monday morning, and this will be the song of the week for me.

Yeah.

My God... can't believe I forgot abt Weimin's results... I SO need to get out of my own little depression and get back to recognizing that outside, pple's lives are still moving on...

She didn't do as well as she expected... Shit man. I really dunno what to say to her. Or even what to do. Help. Leave her alone? Msg her something encouraging? Sigh... I SO suck at this...

Gonna be a really hectic weekend ahead. And I dun think right now I'm seeing God very clearly. Gonna have to try to buck up.

Guess what - I've come full circle again abt needing a girlfriend. I mean, right now, when I really don't have anything in my life that I can boast abt, the time when I feel like the perfect loser, now's the most appropriate time for a girl to show that she can really love me. That she really loves me for who I am, not what I stand for, not what I do, not what I have... etc.

Really ironic that today, our DG topic was on sexual purity, and the context was very much sexual purity in a r/s. I'll be the first to confess that physical intimacy remains one of the reasons why I want to get into a relationship (and a pretty big reason at that, too), yet it also is one of the big reasons why I don't dare to get into one right now. Unless I date a girl with only one arm, one leg and no face, I'm not sure whether I'll have the self control with any girl that I go out with, to not make the mistakes that I made with Grace. Maybe I'm the kindda guy who needs to just date for less than a yr and get married. That way I limit the potential to do more wrong.

Is that a good enough reason to keep me from dating? In my case, I think so. To embark on a dating relationship now would be tantamount to stepping on to a slippery slope. The potential to do wrong is so great. And of course, a hundred other reasons come to mind - I don't have a degree, I don't have money, and I haven't accomplished anything yet. Would any girl want me? Do I have anything to offer them? Or even to offer the girl's parents, that they dare to trust me with their daughter? Why the hell shd their parents' opinion matter anyway? I mean, I understand the need for parental blessings, but if the objection is based upon skewed values, should we still pay attention to them?

Ok, basically, I just needed to let off some steam. Thus the tirade in front. Slowly, more and more pple are coming to know abt my terminated scholarship. More and more I begin to understand what Paul faces. Its hard to put into words, but you still feel damned shit when pple hear it, and dunno how to look you in the eye anymore. Worse still, some give you the "Hope you've learnt your lesson" look, which is just a really bastard thing to do.

Ah well. Of course, other things on my mind include the ongoing saga with Andrew, and how I dunno what to do. I can avoid him, but he refuses to let it lie, but keeps prodding the leadership, getting them more and more upset with him. How do you steer clear of politics in the church when it keeps knocking on your door? Sometimes, I feel that those pple who appear able to avoid politics totally are simply because they're pushing it into somebody else's plate. Someone inevitably still has to do the dirty work.

Sometimes, I still degenerate and ask myself if I feel so keenly abt loneliness and ministry because of my fallout with Grace, since she's the strongest link I had between BGR and my church ministry. That perhaps I still haven't gotten over the whole episode with Grace, I continually obsess over these two areas in my life.

Loser.

Loser.

Yes, I'm a loser.

So what?

Bah.

Its a new week, and hopefully I get to start anew. Afresh. Last week was a real bitch. And I for one really didn't know why. Guess the whole funeral thing got to my family, then to me. Its a negative energy that seems to pervade the air, infecting everyone who comes into contact. From my uncle's funeral, to pple in church still being increasingly pissed at each other, to even things like Weimin and Enhan quarelling... hehz... I still haven't found my 24 hrs without any bad news. And what more dramatic way to end the week than to receive news that Syl and Mark broke up... I guess that more than anything summed up what a bad week it was in all.

I feel really stupid sometimes. I allow pple to unwind their problems to me, but I'm like a sponge that just absorbs in all the negative karma, and end up getting depressed over something that's none of my business. Ah well. But part of that abject stupidity lies in the belief that since I care for these pple, it does in a way become my problem. I just need to learn how to keep a proper perspective, and not indulge in my depression.

Had breakfast with Henry on sunday morning. Think he's one brother I really appreciate. One of the few who really makes me feel better. I guess serving in the Levites Ministry would have been a real drag if not for him. As much as Bernice is a real help in so many ways, I still can't really talk to her that much. Mebbe cos she's a girl. Henry's return has really lifted me up. We're both still trying to find our way around in the world, and what to do with our lives.

I told him I feel there's a difference between having meaning in my life, and living my life meaningfully. My meaning in life is found in the fact that I have an eternity to look forward to, which makes living on this earth something that makes sense. Gives me a sense of meaning. Yet, so often, as I'm living each day, the things I do seem so trivial, that it seems almost meaningless. What the hell do I blog for anyway? The things I do - study, work, hang out with pple, talk to others... it sometimes seem so meaningless. Its like what they say in Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless.

Bah.

I think I'm gonna read the book of Revlations this week. I need to regain for myself my perspective of where I'm bound. To look forward, to press on towards the goal, as the Apostle Paul puts it. Mebbe then this week will be the better for it.