The Woman In Black

Yeah, went to catch that show today with Enhan and Weimin. Turned out to be pretty good actually... not as scary as they hyped it up to be, but on the whole I thought the two guys did a masterful job.

Started work already in Joseph's office. Been kindda lonely since the whole place is empty. Everyone's out at NIE, and Joseph himself is hardly in. Ah well. At least it means I get flexible working hours. Grins.

Been feeling a little temperamental lately. Dunno why. I get a lot of mood swings, and they shift pretty fast. Literally I can be feeling pretty good one minute, and feeling down after that. I honestly have no idea what's come over me. Last night Joseph asked what happened between me, Andrew and Grace. So I told him. And I found myself in a really strange state of mind, where I still feel my fasce flush when I talk abt them to someone else, yet at the same time I don't think I'm angry, or want to be angry at them. Well, perhaps its cos with Joseph also knwoing what a bastard Andrew is sometimes, I feel less upset, knowing that at least he won't be standing up for either oen of them. Hehz... the funny thing is how he also disses Grace, like just abt everyone else. Guess the hate-Grace-club has a greater fan base than I suspected. Sigh. But ah well. She was, after all, my ex. Guess I shd try to be civil to her.

I think I really need to get a grip on what I plan to do with my life. Mebbe that's why the depression. The sense that if I don't start, I'll never accomplish anything much. Then I'll never be in the psition to get attached, and I'll never get married.

Sheeesh.

Its paranoia night here in Peng's World.

The Greatest Of These Is Love

Just returned from the Project Timothy Bible Conference, where David Jackman was the invited speaker. I guess I was really struck by his exposition of1 Cor 13. I've seen how people were convicted by songs that were sung during worship, but this is the ifrst time I've experienced a whole group of 250 christians in a room struck to the wuick by a sermon. when David Jackman hit to the very core of the message abt 1 Cor13, it was all I could do to keep the tears from coming down my face, and it was pretty obvious I wasn't the only one.

This has always been one of the central passages to my own faith values, yet I've never once heard it like he preached it. And it was that night when I truly understood how a grasp of the Word can convict like nothing else can.

The whole conference has been awesome. I guess I really appreciate David Jackman so much more than Allan Chapple. Difference of style, I guess. Hehz... But nevertheless, it has been a great time of retreat for me, to think abt the things that I've been struggling with in my heart. I remember how I always counted it against Andrew for his viciousness in dealing with lots of people, including me. I always held on to the thought that no matter how strong an authority on the word he appears to be, if his actions reveal a striking lack of gentleness and kindness towards those around him, then it still counts for absolutely nothing. After all, isn't that why Apostle Paul says "Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."?

Then it struck me that the same chapter is the one with the verse that I've read a hundred times and totally glossed over - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " And all this while I've acted against the same principles in the chapter that I've always held against Andrew.

In 1 Cor 3:1-3, Paul says "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly--mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? "

I dunno... at the conference it all came to light for me. Everytime I hold something against someone in my church, being unwilling to always hope and persevere in my trust towards that person, I'm guilty of being just as much a spiritual infant as that person. I went back to my room after the exposition, feeling very drained and tired. Took time out to speak with God. I recognize that I perhaps still need time to move on, but at least now I have a clearer idea of what is expected of me. Am writing it down here to remind me.

Other than that, it was a really stupid day. Went to Zhang Mu Shi's house today for BS. With all seriousness, he pulled me aside and said he's got something to ask me. Then he asked me if I would consider Weixiu!!! My own 50 yr-old pastor!!! To cap it all off, when I complained to my mom, all she had to say was "Mm... well, she sure is a lot better than Grace."

Thank God we don't live in the age of supernatural revelations anymore. If that turns out to be a true prophetic utterance, whoever reads this can go fish me out of the Singapore River.

Lotsa things have happened in the past few days. paul called to tell me his 3rd reps have been denied, I took my Advanced Driving Teory Test, had a pretty intensive session at cell on tuesday, Watched King Arthur with Paul (Stop whining, nut!!), had supper with a whole grp of my fellowship guys...

Yet in the midst of all this activity, I guess I really felt so lonely. So intense lonely. Silly huh?

Yeah, guess I am. Bloody Paul asked me what I'd do if I realised after all this while, or even more, that I still loved Grace. I'll bet anything he's now wondering if its meant to be Joz after all, no matter how he denies it. Grins. And mebbe I'm denying it too, but nowadays whenever I think of Grace, all I can think of is how she doesn't see what she's doing. Lotta pple have been telling me lately that Grace thinks I'm the one who let her down. Grins. Ah well. That figures. Probably what Andrew has been telling her. Muahahaha... But yeah, at least very much so now, I don't feel inclined to think that she's the one.

Been having this recurring dream of seeing myself dating someone... but I'm never able to see her face. I'm seeing myself through a third person perspective, and I see myself holding her hand... bringing her out... but I just can't see her face, or know who the heck she is!!!! But - I damned well know for sure it ain't Grace. There was this sense that I know her very well. That I'm very comfortable with her. But I just can't bloody make out who she is.

Sigh... how sad is that?

Got pretty drunk last night and had this stupid hangover the whole of today, couldn't think properly... and I had to go sit for my theory test. Sigh... help.

Aiyar, sick of whining abt the pathetic state of my love life liaos lah!!! I'm not hard up for a girl I guess. Mebbe I just like to whine abt how much I deserve the sympathies of pple ard me. I was right! Grace was wrong! She's the one who refused to sit down and talk to me!!! Dammit!!! Why is it that no nice girls are coming up to me? And all the girls I'm close to are basically not within consideration???

Bah.

Grins.

Think I'm still drunk.

Paul was harrassed by an MLM girl yesterday. Muahahahahaha.... Whoo hoo! MLM rocks!!! If we all did churches like MLM, mebbe it'll be a lot more successful. See how brainwashed they are???

*passes out*

One Of Those Nights...

Ok, this is one of those nights where I'm feeling strangely down. Usually happens right after I've had a really good time, and I come home to an empty room once again, and decide to indulge in a little bit of feeling sorry for myself.
 
Got a call from Joseph this morning, asking if I would be interested in working for his company. And that's great news! Right after that, i rushed off to SBC for the EP Missions Conference, where I had a really really good time. Before that, I had lunch with Ray, Lawrence, Weixiu and Weimin. Its been a really long time since I've caught up with Lawrence, and I guess I've sorta missed him also. He used to be someone I used to look up to a lot when I was growing up in tuanqi. The conference itself was pretty good, I thought. I liked what was being said, and I felt it was just the right length of time.
 
Had dinner with Ray after that. And believe it or not, ended up in the same place as Weixiu's whole family, that Thai Noodle House at Coronation Plaza. Had supper after that with Paul and Ray, where Serene showed up also... followed by Weixiu and Syl, then Weimin and Enhan. So it was a pretty lively night, I suppose.
 
So WHAT THE HELL am I doing, feeling so down right now? I guess perhaps it was as I told Paul on my way home - sometimes its not abt how hard up I am for a girl, but its more a confidence crisis, where I just want to know that there will still be someone out there who loves me, who would think enough of me to be willing to commit herself to me, and spend the rest of her life with me. And so whenever I get closer to a girl, I'll start to think of the possibilities, almost instinctively, as to whether or not she can be the one for me, and how things will turn out if I ask her.
 
Ray was just asking me (rather belatedly, of course...) what I would have done differently if I could have dated Grace all over again. Hehz... he's asking cos he's right now on the verge of starting a r/s with a girl that I shall leave unnamned her, since I know Mr Prodo will not be able to resist a dig at Ray, and I kindda promised him I won't tell anyone. But still, aside from not dating her in the first place, I guess the one thing I'd need to change is my own insecurities, and the perpetual doubt inside my head of whether or not she thinks I'm good enough for her. Cos I think that was ultimately what led to the breakdown of the relationship. Sure, crossing the physical boundaries by a pretty large extent definitely poisoned the relationship, but I guess at the back of my head, the biggest niggling doubt was whether or not she felt I was good enough for her, and what it would take to be sure. As long as I doubted her, it was really very hard to open up to her and be vulnerable, since I already felt so vulnerable. And I guess in due time the gulf that opened up just strangled the relationship.
 
Shit. In case I start sounding like I'm again down cos of Grace, I'm not.
 
At least not tonight.
 
I think I'm down cos after a whole day out with friends, I find myself wondering how many would still be around once I leave in three months time. I guess I can be reasonably sure Paul would. He'd better also. Muahahahaha... I can't be sure Weixiu would. And even as close I am to Weimin right now, she's gonna be starting on a whole new phase of her life in SMU, and I dunno how much that is gonna draw us apart... Enhan has always been more distant to me, but given our weekly BS now, he's starting to open up. I just wonder if the effort's gonna go to waste once I go overseas. And even Little Ruth, whom I'm having so much fun with lately... Ah well. Just hope she doesn't turn out to be like Grace. Grins.
 
Shit. I'm leading worship tmr in church, then leading BS for cell grp. Haven't prepared for either yet at 1.40am in the morning, and here I am feeling worried that I might get LONELY.
 
Ah well. Can't help it sometimes I guess. At best it'd be simply denying how I feel.
 
And yeh, Nut, I'm hitting on you. Everytime I do, Paul gets worried enough to bump you up by another number. A few more days and you'll be up to number two. Grins. But guess what... if I have my way, Serene will always be Number One, for a long long long time to come yet...
 
Hehz...

Why Am I Still Awake????

只能抱着你
好想这样抱着你
我知道你有些在意
給他伤了心才想到可以找你
好想這这样抱着你
我知道你现在伤心
想有人陪你，只是如此而已

你知道，我明了
抱着你，我(妳)的泪却为他而掉
你知道，我明了，抱着你，温习拥抱
你知道，我明了，抱着你
我的心有些动摇
你有的好，他做不到(他有的好我做不到)

还想他(也许他)，可能等我回家(等妳回家)
在我们(你们）相识的楼下
还想他(也许他)，可能拨我电话(拨妳电话)留話
还爱他(妳爱他)，我从沒怀疑过(沒怀疑过)
今晚心底的掙札，我不说你明白吗

只能这样抱着你，我知道你有些在意
給他伤了心，才想到可以找你
只能这样抱着你，我知道你现在伤心
想有人陪妳，只是如此而已

Dunno why, but I can't get this damned song outta my head lately. Still, its a really nice song. Decided that I always bitch abt the things I can't get outta my head on this blog, why not also print out the songs that I can't get outta my head as well? Grins. As long as it ain't that accursed Kylie Minogue song. Grins.

The Way I Was

Bah. Can't get to sleep. My mind's been tossing and turning again and again. So, feeling kindda reminiscent, I started to think back to how I was before I started NUS. Was trying to picture myself in retrospect, and ask myself how I've changed over the past 4 yrs.

On my table, there's a poem by Rudyard Kipling -

IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

And I guess to this day as the paper still is on my table, I'm still holding on to this set of ideals. But so much around me has changed since then. I've grown more cynical. I've been through more hurt and disappointment. I've let myself down more than anyone else has let me down. I've lost some really close friends, and gained some true ones. And these changes weren't kept to just me, but even my circle. The circle of friends I keep these days are so different from the circle I kept 4 yrs ago. Even within church, I'm hanging out with such different people. Heck, I'm even attending another church.

Some of the people who drifted out of my life from more than 5,6 yrs ago have started to come back into my life again. And I'm thankful for that. Mebbe these friendships that I've lost faith in were not the misplaced trust that I had thought it to be. Maybe people do move on - but we just should not discount that they will someday come back.

Is that what some call hope?

Is that how some people don't get burnt?

I also went back to revisit some of the things I said to Grace when I broke up with her. And I find myself musing. As to whether she ever did think abt the things I said to her, or did she - like she does to me - just choose to avaoid and ignore them? Or the question of whether or not she even thinks of me. Am I still in her thoughts? Or has she moved on so much more than me? Will things ever be better? Will she also come back like the friends I lost 6 yrs ago? Or will be just forget each other in due time? The prospects of bumping into her with greater frequency, esp after I move into Marbella intrigues me. For my life I hope we won't bump into each other, but given the laws of my name (Read: Murphy), how will we react when we see each other?

And since my mind is on over-drive - will this always be the case?

Shit, I'm plagued by a hundred-and-one questions all the time. Will I fail in Monash? Will my family be able to weather the financial strain? Do I change church? Will I ever dare to get into a relationship again? With who? What will I be doing in 5 yrs' time? Which church will I be in? Will I even be in S'pore? Or even a Christian? Think I'll still be close to the same circle of friends as I am right now, or will everyone have moved on as well? What if my parents' health deteriorates so badly while I'm overseas, esp my dad? What if I'm forced to abandon my studies overseas? What if I get killed? (Gee, can't be that lucky I guess...) Will I be able to get my driving licence before I leave?

Bloody shit. My head's hurting, but there's nothing I can do. Can't sleep. Can't think coherently. Can't even focus my thoughts enough to be praying.

Ah well. Sometimes its pretty fun to lie down in bed to think abt your life. It just stops being fun if you're so awake at 3 that you can sit up, get outta bed and blog again.

Started BS with Enhan since last week. Think he and I are gonna work out fine. Too bad I don't have much time left to take him. Am hoping and praying that I can make a positive difference to him and his life while I'm doing some active discipleship. Sigh...

Okie. Enough ramblings. Back to bed I go.

Hehz... think I'm going nuts. Must be the Nut's fault. Grins. Keep it up, you'll soon be number one. Grins.

And for Prodo Faggot, oops... I mean Faggins, I'm still waiting for my birthday gift. And yo Nut, whaddya getting him for his birthday? Know any friends who can make him a fake driving license? Hyak hyak hyak...

Blah blah blah...

Been a few days since my birthday now. The cell was really nice in throwing me a surprise birthday tea on sunday after cell grp. I actually enjoyed this year's birthday, away from all the fanfare of the past, where I get to celebrate with those whom I'm close to, and I get to avoid all the other wishes of those who only msg me once a year.

I thought the worship on sunday went really well. Xianghui screwed up the first song with his really wierd synchopation, but I guess it all turned out well. Really glad and thankful for him too, the fact that he volunteered to play for Youth Service the minute he comes back to Singapore... I've missed him so much.

But you know, right after all the euphoria of my birthday, been having really depressing and depressed friends all around me. From Paul who PMS-ed on me a couple of nights ago, to Ruth and her manic-depression, until Anne talking abt her failed marriage and her struggles as a single mom with a 6-yr old kid. Geez, talk about a reality check man...

So what is there to really look forward to in life? The christian is always called to suffer... that much I know, and can accept. But is the christian called to perpetual depression? The alternative being either a filter through which we deny the tangibility of our pain and so tell ourselves we can give thanks in all circumstances, or else the blatant blindness we see in so many people who have been holed up in their myopia and so deny the existence of such pain. I'll always Adelina's outburst so many years ago, when I told her I was really taken aback by her drastic about-turn from an earnest christian to a firm agnostic now. She burst out about how there was absolutely nothing tangible to hold on to, for a hope and an assurance that God is real and that He cares... in the face of her most difficult moments its really hard to expect a set of concepts and notions to come through for her.

So is it sheer denial when some people seem to find genuine joy and contentment, when my mom and dad have warned me since I was a kid to "trust no one"? Why is it that some people can still find that hope and trust in people, and not get burnt? Luck? Those who don't get burnt stay that way, while others fall into the category of pple whom I see ard me, depressed or cynical... and sometimes both...

*shrug*

Started to icq again lately... been catching up with lotsa pple, such as Weilong, Stanley, Huifen, Huilin... guess icq is like a momentum thing... lose it and you don't feel like picking it up again. But if you do, you'll keep at it for a while. I only picked it up cos it was cheaper to chat with Ruth that way than via sms. So I guess I've got her to thank for making me pick it up again. After all, this will soon be the way I talk to everyone back here in S'pore, once I go over. Might be good to make sure they're still contactable by the old icq number they used to have.

Its been raining a lot lately!!! Whoopee!! SO happy... hehz... I lurve rain... rain... rain... rain... rain... rain...

Its My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

Hehz... Happy Birthday Peng!!!! We all love you!!! Whoo hoo!

Yeah. Its my birthday today and I'm just about absolutely spent. After whining about how his friends all seem to have neglected him, he decided to play me out on a supper date ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! Muahahahaha... yeaps. Didn't reply me after I finished my concert, FORCING me to trudge home in utter disappointment, having thought I could spend some time with someone I truly care for.

Lalalalalala... gee, nut... emotional blackmail can be real fun! Grins.

But seriously, its been a really long day man. Had BS with Enhan in the morning, then did lunch with Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan. Had worship prac after that, then went to the RGS Chinese Orchestra concert. Yes. Shit. The RGS CO. Never thought I'd have to face that again, but I did. Brough back lots of memories, watching the uniforms, the same conductor as 5 yrs ago, in the same concert hall, sigh... Grace actually did message me happy birthday today too. Surprised myself when I didn't really feel anything when she did.

Ah well. Its just been really tiring today. But I felt I just HAD to let my ego run amuck and post on my birthday. To quote something i just learnt - to go Nucking Futs. *wink*

Both Sides Now

Thoreau once said men all live lives of quiet desperation. Never did quite understand the full import of that till recent years. Finding out that I'm not exactly the best kid on the block, be it in school, family, love life, church or even in my ethical principles, it kindda takes the shine out of all the ideals and aspirations I once had. Faced with the reality of just who I really am, I'm confronted with the question of just who do I think I am, to believe I'm worthy of having such lofty ambitions.

So the alternative is to try my best to hold on to scraps of the last vestiges of the picture I had of myself, and some of the fantasies I had about my character, then spend the rest of my life in my quiet desperation, trying to live up to those ideals. A better morality, a better degree, a better disposition than most, and a willingness to always try my best to put others before myself, in hope of being able to convince myself that I am worthy of at least an ounce of respect.

And mebbe that's the bottomline of why I have a phobia of committing to another relationship. I don't think I deserve it, or that I will be up to what's required of me. Cos no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I've now disciplined myself into a better man, deep inside I know I'm still as rotten as I ever was. And to have to put a girl through the hell of living with me, knowing I can't be the man of her dreams nor fulfill her expectations of me, is something I won't do. Firstly cos I fear the rejection that I suppose is inevitable, and secondly cos if truly love her, I can't put her through the whole saga of learning to love me as ugly as I may be inside. So I shrug off all the girls with "I'm not her type" or "There's just no chemistry".

And perhaps that's why I always have a tendency to meddle in the affairs of other couples. I seek my fulfillment from hoping to help others live out the kind of love that I don't think I deserve, but have always longed for.

Just watched Spiderman 2 with Paul. Its really scary, the whole recurring idea that you really might not be able to end up with the woman you truly love. Coupled with Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and the idea of how there really is a soulmate out there for you... and I'm confronted with a really scary thought. What if one day, like Paul, I fall for a girl who has a boyfriend? Or worse, is married??? All that mumbo-jumbo gung-ho nonsense about fighting for your dreams, and fighting for the love of your life - always discounts the reality that in doing so, someone inevitably gets hurt. So I'd rather that person be me. Either that, or its just cos I'm too big a wuss also. Hehz...

But if she's really the soulmate of mine, that would mean that the guy she's with isn't right for her. Then what? I've come to realize that in many girls I see, they'd rather stick with a guy who's obviously wrong for her, rather than break it off. Hey, that's what MJ did in Spiderman, isn't it? She'd rather marry the wrong man, choosing security and compromise over the one person she's so SURE is the right guy for her. Is this what love really ends up being in the real world, where we have to compromise our heart for the sake of pragmatism?

Even in real life, outside the realm of my love life (or the non-existence of it), I'm faced with the same questions, where I have to ask myself the same thing. Would I settle for a job that pays the bills, or drop it in pursuit of something nobler, something that I know I SHOULD be doing, even if it means a much poorer prospect, like a full-time ministry, or being a social worker?

As I find myself struggling with a world that has increasingly become greyer between pragmatism and destiny, I increasingly wish I could go back to the time when I would have no troubles knowing what was right. Was I too naive then, or has my vision become too clouded now?

On Feb 12, 1944, thirteen yr old Anne Frank wrote this in her diary:
Today the sun is shining, the sky is a deep blue, there is a lovely breeze and I am longing - so longing for everything. To talk, for freedom, for friends, to be alone.
And I do so long... to cry! I feel as if I am going to burst, and I know that it would get better with crying, but I can't, I'm restless, I go from room to room, breathe through the crack of a closed window, feel my heart beating, as if it is saying, can't you satisfy my longing at last?
I believe that it is spring within me, I feel that spring awakening, I feel it in my whole body and soul. It is an effort to behave normally. I feel utterly confused. I don't know what to read, what to write, what to do, I only know that I am longing.

Funny how at 25 yrs of age, I can still be feeling the same thing as a 13 yr old huh?

Insomniac Ramblings

Lately I've been bloggging my stream of consciousness simply cos I can't seem to get to sleep, and there's lots of things on my mind.

They say love can make one grow up overnight. But I think that ain't true. Uusually its when love fails, and hopes once cherished have all but died, that one learns how to deal with a world that inevitably never goes one's way. The one who chooses to pick himself up and learn to move on, will benefit much from the benefit of hindsight in due time, while the one who chose to sit and hang on will forever be trapped, unable to ever seek some form of reprieve.

Lodged
The rain to the wind said
"You push and I'll pelt"
So they smote the garden bed
That the flowers actually knelt
And lay lodged - though not dead
I know how the flowers felt
- Robert Frost

Sometimes I feel just like that. With so much going on, I feel so pushed around sometimes, and having absolutely no means by which to control my own destiny, except to be bent by my own emotions and circumstance.

Bah.

Yeah, Nat, Who's The Boss rocks. =)

And tomorrow night, Greece will triumph over Portugal to secure the greatest footballing upset the world has ever seen, and I will be there, witnessing history being made. Muahahaha...

W-O-W

Yeah, that's probably the only way I can put it. WOW. Firstly, Greece did the impossible and beat the Czech Republic. Next, we left ARPC today at 2245. No kidding. Mark Peterson was down, and he had a mini concert of the songs he wrote, after the service. Must admit tho, as dumb as some songs are to be sung in the service, standing alone and when he performs them, they don't sound half bad. Thirdly, (saving the best for last), after my little epiphany, I realized that Paul decided to whine abt his own love life and confusions. Grins. He's decidedly slipping.

Muahahaha... gonna be going to the KTV later at 2pm, having BS with Enhan before that, and having a committee at 1630, followed by an service to commission the next batch of leaders in the church. Lucky for me dinner will be free. Hehz... But man, its gonna be hectic.

Anyway, back to Paul. Grins. He thinks my opinion of who's best for him ain't accurate cos I ain't seen him and Rach together. What he doesn't realise is that he hasn't even seen himself with the girl I picked out for him, and how much greater they would have been together.

Anyway, my previous post received two comments, one talking abt Who's The Boss. What spooks me is that no one knows abt this blog except Paul, and he's made a comment already. Grins. Well, to all my secret fans out there, I'm really sorry. This has to be my worst entry in some time.

Ah well.

I'll have to do better.

Next time.