One Of Those Nights...

Ok, this is one of those nights where I'm feeling strangely down. Usually happens right after I've had a really good time, and I come home to an empty room once again, and decide to indulge in a little bit of feeling sorry for myself.
 
Got a call from Joseph this morning, asking if I would be interested in working for his company. And that's great news! Right after that, i rushed off to SBC for the EP Missions Conference, where I had a really really good time. Before that, I had lunch with Ray, Lawrence, Weixiu and Weimin. Its been a really long time since I've caught up with Lawrence, and I guess I've sorta missed him also. He used to be someone I used to look up to a lot when I was growing up in tuanqi. The conference itself was pretty good, I thought. I liked what was being said, and I felt it was just the right length of time.
 
Had dinner with Ray after that. And believe it or not, ended up in the same place as Weixiu's whole family, that Thai Noodle House at Coronation Plaza. Had supper after that with Paul and Ray, where Serene showed up also... followed by Weixiu and Syl, then Weimin and Enhan. So it was a pretty lively night, I suppose.
 
So WHAT THE HELL am I doing, feeling so down right now? I guess perhaps it was as I told Paul on my way home - sometimes its not abt how hard up I am for a girl, but its more a confidence crisis, where I just want to know that there will still be someone out there who loves me, who would think enough of me to be willing to commit herself to me, and spend the rest of her life with me. And so whenever I get closer to a girl, I'll start to think of the possibilities, almost instinctively, as to whether or not she can be the one for me, and how things will turn out if I ask her.
 
Ray was just asking me (rather belatedly, of course...) what I would have done differently if I could have dated Grace all over again. Hehz... he's asking cos he's right now on the verge of starting a r/s with a girl that I shall leave unnamned her, since I know Mr Prodo will not be able to resist a dig at Ray, and I kindda promised him I won't tell anyone. But still, aside from not dating her in the first place, I guess the one thing I'd need to change is my own insecurities, and the perpetual doubt inside my head of whether or not she thinks I'm good enough for her. Cos I think that was ultimately what led to the breakdown of the relationship. Sure, crossing the physical boundaries by a pretty large extent definitely poisoned the relationship, but I guess at the back of my head, the biggest niggling doubt was whether or not she felt I was good enough for her, and what it would take to be sure. As long as I doubted her, it was really very hard to open up to her and be vulnerable, since I already felt so vulnerable. And I guess in due time the gulf that opened up just strangled the relationship.
 
Shit. In case I start sounding like I'm again down cos of Grace, I'm not.
 
At least not tonight.
 
I think I'm down cos after a whole day out with friends, I find myself wondering how many would still be around once I leave in three months time. I guess I can be reasonably sure Paul would. He'd better also. Muahahahaha... I can't be sure Weixiu would. And even as close I am to Weimin right now, she's gonna be starting on a whole new phase of her life in SMU, and I dunno how much that is gonna draw us apart... Enhan has always been more distant to me, but given our weekly BS now, he's starting to open up. I just wonder if the effort's gonna go to waste once I go overseas. And even Little Ruth, whom I'm having so much fun with lately... Ah well. Just hope she doesn't turn out to be like Grace. Grins.
 
Shit. I'm leading worship tmr in church, then leading BS for cell grp. Haven't prepared for either yet at 1.40am in the morning, and here I am feeling worried that I might get LONELY.
 
Ah well. Can't help it sometimes I guess. At best it'd be simply denying how I feel.
 
And yeh, Nut, I'm hitting on you. Everytime I do, Paul gets worried enough to bump you up by another number. A few more days and you'll be up to number two. Grins. But guess what... if I have my way, Serene will always be Number One, for a long long long time to come yet...
 
Hehz...