一年到头

在“如果，爱”这部戏里面，有一首歌重复了四句话，说：“爱 – 没有。 恨 – 不来。抓 – 不住。摔 – 不掉。”

我想这就是无奈吧。一年到头，当我回顾我这一年所走过的路时，我想我会用“无奈”这两个字，来形容我的心情。

还记得今年我就差点去了澳洲读书。不过到最后，上帝还是有了他自己的安排，好叫我留在新加坡。经历了许多精彩难忘的时光，例如我姐姐的婚礼、一起跑了五个月的‘跑步小组’、在Reuters工作的经验、看见维秀终于交了个男朋友、去了Tanjong Puteri的第二堂崇拜退休会、去了Eagles Conference、看见Hurricane Katrina造成的损坏、以及世界上那么多的动荡。

周迅在戏中也唱了一首歌，第一句说“外面的世界很精彩”，而最后一句说“我离开，永远都不再回来”。我想，当我生命开始觉得很无奈时，心情也会就像歌里所表达的情绪一样。我想逃开，跑到另一个世界去。我告诉我自己外面的那个世界比较精彩，而我若离去了，就再也不要回来了。今年就差点去了澳洲，想逃避我心中一切的烦躁。不管是感情上、学业上、家庭里、朋友之间、或自己私下的烦恼，我都是多么渴望能够逃到国外去，给我自己一个新的开始。现在回头一望 – 觉得在某些事情上，去了国外或许会好过一点、好受一点。但是勇敢地去面对自己的烦恼，自己找出勇气去克服所该处理的事 – 那还是最好的解决方法。在今年的下半年里面，所发生过的一切好事，如果我的确逃到国外去，我想我就真的是错过了，太可惜了。

我想我该学习感恩。成长的过程当中，难免会有伤害，会有痛。会有失望，会感到疲累。就如黄国伦所写的，“困难算什么，痛苦算什么？在他们的背后是你祝福的手。孤单算什么，羞辱算什么？你的爱是那么深，你的恩典够我用。”

当我回去看我在年头所记录的第一个blog entry 里，我写的是我要学习感恩。而这份功课我想我可能一辈子也学不完。当我把我的集中力放在自己的身上时，那我就是什么事情都觉得很不如心所愿。但当我能够以他人着想、用他人的眼光去了解事情时，我发觉我就真正能够心中有平安，心里能够感恩。

明年将会是一个相当挑战我自己的一年。希望我能够在成功当中学习到知足，在失败中学习到较拖。

Looking For Eric

(The last time he actually contacted me was after the mere mention that I'm once again talking to Grace. Since then, I'm still unable to contact him about whether or not he's coming back for Christmas. So I'll have to resort to drastic measures.)

*Cough Cough*

Hmm... I'm thinking of getting back together with Grace. Its been so long now... I think this time round I can make it work out.

Grins.

Celebrating X'mas

Haven’t really been sleeping at all for a week. There’s just been so much running through my mind that I find my sleep to be short, disturbed, and hardly restful. With the sleep deprivation comes the inability to think properly, nor the capacity to take on what has come my way. So with the exception of just an unfortunate few to whom I rant and vent, I’ve spent the rest of my time closing myself off from pple.

I went to Lanlab just now for a game with Paul. Its been so long since my last time there, I didn’t even know they changed the registering format. But I was desperate to do something mindless… something that will distract me from my thoughts, and take my mind off it for a while. And I guess it worked, for a while. Yet I walked away from the LAN shop tonight knowing that its probably one of the last times I step in there. It just doesn’t seem to adequate anymore. I seem to have totally lost the passion. Just feel pretty numb.

I find myself asking what seems to have gone wrong. Why is it that my blog posts are littered with accounts of ruined relationships, and of ties that have soured, sometimes irreparably? Is it me? Am I just always just so unfortunate to be in the thick of it? Am I the one causing it? Am I the one who is somehow a drama-mama, drawn to the tension and the intensity of emotions? Am I so obsessed with the dark side of things that I never notice the good, but make such a meal out of the bad?

Or is it just all of us? Have we all somehow forgotten how to deal with people? Have we all lost the inability to love those around us? Have we all started demanding too much, raising expectations of each other to levels that make us run away? Given how love always seems to run contrary to logic, have we all become so used to thinking through our relationships, and lost the inability to just “sense-ably” feel our way through the murky waters of right and wrong?

I don’t know. I guess it’s a little of just about everything, and then more. And I find myself more and more doubting myself, my character and my ability to do what’s right over the past few days.

Of things that I suspected, but decided it was easier to shrug off. Of the many ways I am responsible for the relationships that have gone wrong. Of the ways in which I have hurt those I care for without doing it knowingly – then stupidly and tactlessly doing it again. Of the ones around me that I have again taken for granted, indulging instead in my own preoccupations. Of the things I used to take pride in myself, such as my ability to perceive and adjudge people/circumstances, which have turned out to be my Achilles heel. Of how even as I sit down to post, there is a part of me that still dares to feel sorry for myself.

I guess for many of the things I’ve done, I can but bring it before God again… begging him to put together again what I have ruined. After all, who else can I turn to?

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed
And stop believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
And that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the
Theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble
And I'm sinking to my knees
But You… You cradle me

One thing that I want to do this Christmas…I want to celebrate the friendships that have lasted down the years, through my ups and downs, twists and turns… of people who have stuck by me through all that have happened. People whom I have known for so long now, who have had the misfortune of seeing my immaturity, my insecurities, my screw-ups, my worst habits and my stubbornness towards changing them. The very people whom I never thank God enough for.

Paul – I guess the years have not been kind to you or me. Yet somehow we’ve managed to still keep up with each other’s steps in life, and we’ve somehow managed to still squeeze each other into our schedules. I’ve come to count on you for your candid take on my life and my foibles, something which you seem always so ready to throw in my face. Grins. Thanks for everything, buddy.

Weixiu – No surprise that your name shd be the next to appear. Seldom does something happen that your name doesn’t come to my mind, to tell you of or to point out to. You’re one of the most cherished and loved sisters in my life, one who has the uncanny ability to make me feel as though you can somehow see right through me. Thanks for always listening, and for allowing me to pretend that I still know better than you in just about everything.

Weimin – you’ve been a curious bundle of headache and joy, doled out in equal portions. Your broodiness and mood swings are two things I always identified with you the most. Yet behind that mask you wear is one of the most tender hearts I have encountered, one that makes me willing to pay almost any price to have you keep it just the way it is. Thanks for always being open with me abt so many things. Don’t worry about how we sometimes seem to drift apart. I’m not going to let that happen. Grins.

Serene – Surprising that it took us so long to talk. Your quiet and selfless giving have come to be two things that I admire the most about you. The past few years of serving and sharing with you have come to deepen that appreciation of the many qualities that have surfaced along the way, such as your capacity to love at any cost to yourself, and your courage to face up to difficult circumstances all your life. Your friendship has come to be a most cherished one, which makes the distance between us now more painful than you’d think. Nevertheless, thank you for all the things you’ve taught me about strength of character… for your honesty and openness towards me, and for the trust you gave me.

Syl – you were one of the first I turned to in the aftermath of my breakup. Always willing to bear with my nonsense, and always ready to see the best in me… Thanks for everything. There’s so much more ahead of you that I see Him leading you towards… it will require much courage and determination for you, to face up to the lessons He’s teaching you, and challenging you. I’ll always be here, be it to pray, to be of help, to give support, or simply just to be there for you.

Mei – surprised to get a mention? Hehz… thanks for always being the one to organize our monthly meet-ups. You’re really one of the very few from NUS that I still meet up with. I’ve always enjoyed the banter we share, and next to the other Baptist in my life, one of the few outside my church circle that I open myself up to. I know I’ve been a sucky fren a lot of times, but thanks for still sticking around…

To Henry and Bernice, who probably will never read it… they’ve been such pillars in my life, esp with regards to just about everything... from service, to my spiritual walk, to even my own life. Its been such a joy to have them walking beside me in my life, two people whom I have so much to learn from, about God-centredness and gentleness. I can’t imagine what it would be like to ever lose their fellowship.

I guess I shall stop here. With a little luck and a lot of hope, I need to catch some sleep before work. I’m praying that I won’t wake up and forget to celebrate X’mas this year… celebrating the incredible friendships in my life that God has always been blessing me with.

Intentions

They say that the best of intentions are usually the least of accomplishments. I guess there is quite some wisdom found in those words, no matter how you choose to read them. Whether its talking abt your thoughts getting lost in translation, your actions being misunderstood, or how one seldom lets a thought develop into deed, the idea remains that one's thoughts and one's deeds are actually such different things. One hardly ever leads to the other.

Today I got to spend a little time with Joseph, from buying my PC till we went back Marbella to build it. And I guess if there's anything I can take away from him, it would actually be that drive of his to work at what he wants till he gets it. Ironic, that I should also have been reminded by Paul in his early X'mas card to me, that its about time I start asking myself what my dreams are. And that next year should be the year I start pursuing them.

Enough of chasing after fantasies of what will never be mine to possess, and enough of living other people's dreams and other peoples' lives. What really scares me is the fact that I don't really seem to have any dreams of my own. All this while I've been convinced that what will make me happy would be to make others happy. And that's always been my intention over the years... to make those around me, and those I care for, happy.

Yet the words of Sun Yanzi's song keeps haunting me.

我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞
被误解，被骗
是否成人的世界背后
总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭，让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚，好孤独

Ironic too, that today in the car, my sis also said how she's slowly no longer enjoying her job as much. I don't know anymore, if its because we're all slowly getting jaded. I don't know if its because we all are changing. I don't know if life's actually like that. I used to think that I am better off being the way I am. Now I begin to question if Joseph got it right after all. At the end of the day, he seems to have better shrugged off the many friendships that have all gone cold in the pursuit of his ambitions, than I have managed to shrug off my lack of accomplishments despite the number of friends I keep so close to my heart.

They say that all your worldly materials will one day show itself for its hollowness. What they forget to mention is that even your friendships and relationships can be just as hollow. There are days when you suddenly awaken to the devastating realization that you actually mean so little to some, and there are other days when you become painfully aware of how you can suddenly stop caring for someone you always thought you loved.

I guess in the absence of any concrete ambitions or dreams that I possess, I will keep on doing what I do. Yet there is also the fear of what will I turn out looking like, five years after I find my dreams and start pursuing them.

Falling For Time

Was watching Perhaps Love last night. One line stood out above all that was said or sung. It was after Jacky Cheung realized that his love affair with the female lead, his long-time girlfriend, was finally over. He stood up, and said “我们在一起久了。要的也多了。”

Something abt the way he said it, or the situation leading up to it… really caught me. A fren called me a few nights ago, talking abt how she felt very stifled by her bf, who keeps wanting more and more of her… not allowing her any space of her own. I just wondered abt how these things are so subtly progressive. We all start out in relationships being so polite and considerate. With minimum demands on the other, seeking to please and accommodate. In time, we start to more and more have demands on each other, expecting the other to think the way we do, share the same preferences as us… we wonder why we still don’t get each other, or develop the same passions for the same things… then we start wondering why we still dun understand each other after all this time… but we’re reluctant to let go of what we’ve clutched hold of for so long now already….

I watched Pride & Prejudice on mon, then Perhaps Love last night…. Two shows that both showcase a lot of very intense emotions, both buried under an exterior of composure. In one, social expectations forced the women to suppress their feelings, and their search for their own happiness. In the other, their feelings were always suppressed beneath a façade of independence and self-sufficiency, all in the name of how “the show must go on”.

What I really liked abt Pride & Prejudice was the fact that the couple who clung most fiercely to their romantic ideals, despite all opposition from both people and circumstances, were the most richly rewarded in the end. Jane and Bingley, despite their happily ever after as well, was hardly as satisfying as the one between Lizzie and Darcy. In fact, one comment I really liked said “Jane and Bingley exhibit to the reader true love unhampered by either pride or prejudice, though in their simple goodness, they also demonstrate that such a love is mildly dull.”

What I liked abt Perhaps Love was the ending… I don’t think I would have liked it if there had been a very clear cut ending. That would have been such a cop-out. In that sense, the English name for it, “Perhaps Love” actually serves as a better name than its actually Chinese name. In the show - Sun Na's affections, always torn between someone whom she still loves deeply despite her façade and her relationship with the man she spent such a long time with, who had built her up… The whole ambiguity of her feelings was so central to the story that if she had decided whom she was going to end up with by the end of the show, I would have really hated it.

Its been a gd week for me. Celebrated Syl’s birthday with the guys, watched two shows that really agreed with me (in the sense that it went down very well with me), and of course the fact that the laundry stopped being a concern of mine anymore. The only little dent in my week is the fact that my PC is down, barely operable…. As is my modem. So I have no internet connection at home… need to resort to checking all my mails in the office. Since my contract expires in 9 days, I need to take action. And soon.

Everyone’s been really sweet to me abt how I’m feeling towards the whole thing with Grace… I'm basking in the warmth of the attention. Grins. But I guess my bigger concern is for someone else, who obviously isn’t doing too well. Its always hard when dreams get shattered, and when we can only stand by helpless to watch the sandcastles we painstakingly put together washed out ruthlessly by the waves. And for those who care, its almost as painful to stand by helplessly, or to exercise the restraint to not interfere, and give the loved one time to be alone.

My profile says I’m a healer. But I’ve never once felt like one when talking to anyone who approached me. In fact, I always feel as helpless whether the person talks to me, or shuts off from me. But I guess one lesson I’ve always learnt again and again, marveling at the simplicity of its truth, is how we often forget the power of time.

How time really does change everything. How time reveals everything… from things we didn’t know, to things we didn’t want to admit about ourselves. How in time everything looks and feels so different from what it seemed back then. How time shows us how much we’ve grown, and how far we’ve come. How time heals all wounds (or, as someone once said… time reveals how God heals us…).

Its amazing, cos time is the one thing I hate the most when I'm in pain. I hate that it passes so slowly… that I can’t get out of it, that it forces me to live in and through the pain of what I'm going through. I can’t wait for it to pass quickly… trying to convince myself that the faster time passes by, the faster also, would I get over the pain.

Yet looking back, (at least for myself…) time is what I’m most grateful for, for the most obvious reasons.

Biding my time. One thing I’ve come to do. After falling in love with time. With what time can do. What it has done for me. How time is what will confirm my affections as either spurious or genuine… will affirm my convictions of what I always have clung on to as being right… that if I give anything time, it will be something that allows me to better trust my choice in the matter.

After all, that’s what Lizzie and Darcy did.

What Sun Na decided to do.

What I am doing.

My Pride and My Prejudices...

Just came home from watching Pride & Prejudice with Paul, then celebrating Syl’s birthday in the park with JL.

I am absolutely SMITTEN with the show. Everything, from the cinematography, to the script, to the delivery by the actors, to Keira Knightley, was absolutely gorgeous. The story is one that I knew, since I’ve more or less read the book before (tho I really can’t remember when. Possibly in primary sch, believe it or not.), but its still the same theme that always fascinates me… of the different relationships that end up developing… the different takes people have… from there mother who just wants to see the daughters married off, to the Lizzie, who fights off all expectations of her, to fall in love with the man whom even she herself never imagined falling for.

I’m such a sucker for these shows. But what really caught my eye was the magnificence of the scenery, the shots that captured each scene, and the skill of the director at arranging the shots. I guess this is one really easy vote for me, for Movie of the Year.

Grins.

Yes, I really really liked it.

Would probably watch it again, actually… if time permits. Muahahaha…

My parents are finally back, raving abt how fun Italy was. So I guess its pretty obvious they had fun. And THANK GOD I DUN NEED TO DO THE LAUNDRY AND CLEAN THE HOUSE ANYMORE…

So THANK GOD for parents… hehz…

This week I spent most of the time thinking abt my stay in my sis and Joseph’s place. (I hate the fact that I have to type out J-O-S-E-P-H, cos someone decided to take up the shorter name of J-O… Muahahahahaha… *cough cough*) There was the very obvious fact that since I was a guest, I was a lot more careful to be clean and neat, since I didn’t want to impos, and be too big a pest. Also wanted to spare my sis the trouble of cleaning up after me. Her husband’s enough of a challenge already. Hehz…

But there was the part where I had to decide how much stuff I wanted to bring there. How much clothes, my shaver, my deodorant, my hair wax… And I had to tell myself I’m only there for a week… not to bring too much, cos I’ll have to lug it all back. Then after settling in, I had to remind myself not to get too comfy, since I’m not gonna be here long. So it didn’t take long for me to make the connection, and see how it translates into the perfect little sermon illustration of how I also need to remind myself not to be too eager to hoard after things in this life.

Having driven the car for the whole week, giving it up was a drag. Staying in the new condo, and seeing how done up it is, I have my moments when I wish the house back in Sembawang could be like that. Spending time some time working, drawing a salary exposed me to the joys of earning/spending power, and makes me dread the day when I stop work, and will have to forego the flexibility it affords me. So many little things here and there that are well and truly good in itself, that I have to remind myself isn’t as important as I make it out to be… Corie Ten Boom once said “I have learnt to grasp the things of this earth very gently, so that it doesn’t hurt when the Lord pries it out of my hand.”

Somehow, that line keeps coming back to me. Mebbe God knows of the struggles in my heart sometimes, to desire for these things. I have more than my fair share of days, that I spend musing abt the possibilities that would exist if I were rich… from convenience, to dreams of philanthropy, to how it would be so much easier for girls to see me as a good catch… I guess I’m just like a lotta guys out there, very much attracted to the joys that this world has to offer… And so the quote serves as a marvelous reminder to me. Its ok to own them, to have them. To have my own car, my own modern home, money to live in convenience and comfort… its well and truly fine. But I need to learn to grasp it very gently, so that I am always ready to let go when I have to.

Another thing that has bugged me this week was how the fact that re-opening my communication was Grace seems to have stirred up a real hornet’s nest. From fair warnings abt the contemplation of getting back with her or getting into trouble again, to many who have asked me abt the possibilities of getting together again… it seems that everyone’s finally able to ask the question they wanted to ask but always couldn’t.

So here’s my answer, to those who asked but weren’t convinced, and those who just haven’t asked, but are interested in knowing. (If you’re neither, you’ve come to the end of this blog entry. Grins.)

I still care for her. Nothing to deny abt that. And I don’t think anything can change that. Your affections, once given out, isn’t really something that you can just withdraw. However, the fact remains that if I had only known her today, I would not have gone down the path that I did back then, since she’s turned out to be so different from who she was at 15. Or perhaps I just didn’t really know her at 15. One’s feelings of love alone - believe it or not - cannot conquer all.

Andrew and I maintain a very fragile peace, or uneasy truce… however you would want to phrase it. Getting back with her would mean putting her in a very tough spot, always torn between the disdain between two people she greatly cares for. Not really something I would wish for her. Also, her choice of him as a mentor hints at the qualities she values, (and I don’t deny Andrew has several commendable traits) which are vastly different from the things that I value. It suggests two people with very different personalities. No wonder she keeps harping on how she doesn’t understand me. Therefore apart from the very romantic ideal that we could get back together again, based on the feelings we have, would really smack of nothing more than mere foolishness.

So we will just have to chart new ground, and learn to care for each other in a different way.

So to all you people out there who are wondering, there’s my final answer. And to all you worry warts out there besides Eric, you can all breathe a sigh of relief too. Grins.

I will just have to keep on waiting for the right girl to finally notice me, then to appreciate me.

Hehz….

Taking Stock...

I guess life has really been speeding past me the past year or so, and I’ve not had much opportunity to sit and think for a while. My bus trips home used to afford me the luxury of time to myself, where I get to shut off everything else around me, and think abt what’s going on inside of me, hearing my inner consciousness speak to me.

My parents being away means I get to drive around everyday lately. And ironic as it may seem, therefore, that even though it should logically translate to more time for myself, it has instead left me with even less time than ever before. I find myself more confident in scheduling things into my time, thinking of how much easier it is to run places and get things done. The vicious cycle means I also no longer have so much time to visit the park as before, which again translates into an even greater neglect of myself.

Yes, I think I’ve been neglecting myself.

And so I find myself strangely awake at 2 in the morning, more than a little lost with myself. Writing down the things that are coming into my head, ready to be posted on my blog in the office tmr. (I have no internet connection, currently boarding with my sis at the condo.)

A lot of thoughts are running through my head. My encounters with a few pple, where there are things I said to them, and some stuff were said to me. A very much loved friend has been quick to point out to me that she feels very much alienated from me, and more and more so lately. My ex has suddenly decided to call, and we had a conversation that was strange in that it bore the same familiarity and comfortableness from when we were together, that I wasn’t expecting – given our two years of silence from each other. Even creepier, since I think we ought to maintain a certain distance in our conversations now… Another asked me if I was alright, in that I seemed to have pulled back from people… a marvelous remark coming from a totally unexpected source, since I never thought we knew each other very well – yet he hit the nail right in the head, where many closer friends in my life did not pick up on.

With some friends, it was the silence that they bore with them, that spoke louder than anything else, of the struggles that are going on inside of them. From the superficial – like the trials and tribulations of exams and deadlines, to the more subtle yet probably more painful ordeal of personal pain and loss, or of letting go… it has also been a time for me to once again re-learn the lesson of grieving with those who grief, and to carry the burdens of those whom I love.

I guess part of the reason why I have become a little bit of an uncle agony in church has to do with how I seem to be drawn to pain. I’ve come to appreciate what pain can do to a person, if we allow it to work to our good. And I want to see and help those whom I care for, to be able to learn the lessons I’ve learnt, without having to bear as many of the scars as I. And so it seems that irregardless of the maturity by which I have handled those who came my way, I had something to offer that they appreciated – empathy and a little bit of an instinctive understanding of how they would like to be treated.


There’ve been a lot of talk of weddings going on around me. And I guess as much as I love weddings, it always leaves me feeling slightly melancholic.

Weddings leave me once again very much wishing I had someone beside me, to share these moments with. Eventful times in my life – where memories are built, stored up, and cherished, always makes me wish there was someone with whom I could have shared the memories with. Like my sister’s wedding, where I would have liked my future wife to have been around to witness… to even have helped me out in the preparations.

Then there’s the retreat at Changi, with the core team. Again, my personality test came out INFP. My profile is supposed to be a healer. That wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was just how many pple were shocked at the news that I am an introvert. Maybe that’s why nobody believes me when I say I have a phobia of talking to new friends, that I have to really steel myself to go up to them and initiate conversations. And why I actually have a much smaller pool of friends than people think.

I have a small pool of pple in my life whom I spend a lot of time with… and then the rest of the time I get by being friendly when in a crowd, then beating a hasty retreat before I have to engage anyone I’m not familiar with on a personal basis. To those few in my life, I invest myself pretty heavily in them. Maybe that’s why I place such a high premium on loyalty, and place such a fierce demand on my friends to trust me. And that’s probably also why those who know me well will realize I have days when I will sudden withdraw and become very distant… Those times when I just need to fade away and re-charge myself. I will of course show up if there is a need… but otherwise I would just suddenly cut myself off from everyone around me. I guess that was one thing that absolutely drove Grace nuts when we were together – how I would just suddenly detach myself from her, she would be left feeling like she doesn’t know me at all.

Hehz…

Ah well. Note to self: Must find someone who knows that about me, and doesn’t go berserk everytime I lock her out. Was considering the other day if I shd close down this blog. I seem to have run out of things to say. I mean, I am repeating myself way too often. It started off as a place for my verbal diarrhea, where I could indulge in my thoughts, and pour it out in private. Angry thoughts, depressive thoughts, bitter thoughts, longing thoughts… where I can rant at someone, and also just indulge in my crushes on someone else…

Yet now that I’m increasingly becoming aware of the extent of my silent readership, I’m wondering if its wise that I continue to express my opinions so freely here. Just in case I affect some with my personal opinions… or worse, I bitch abt someone whom I dunno reads this. Hehz…

But ah well. I guess at the end of the day, given how I keep being scolded for being such a stonewall in front of others, this provides a pretty convenient proxy for me to tell of myself… to both the readers who let me know they read this, and those silent ones who are keeping mum abt the fact that they have my blog address. (Voyeurs, one and all!!!!!! Grins.)

So to all you lucky readers out there, you can spend this X’mas basking in the good news that you will be able to carry on reading this delicious piece of trash every now and then, whenever I up date it – just once in a blue moon, of course.

=)

Happy Days Are Here Again

Christmas is round the corner. The lights in Orchard Road are up. X"mas songs are playing all over department stores, and the X'mas sales are beginning. With students wrapping up their exams by this week or so, and with the company bash coming up this friday, it seems like everyone is ready to start winding down to the year, and enjoy the festive season.

Yet it is always the season that makes me rather pensive, and more than just a little depressive, I suppose. Maybe its because the whole year has tired me out. Maybe I'm naturally more withdrawn in the seasons where people have more time for each other. Maybe its because there's no one to spend X'mas with. Maybe I'm just plain boring. Hehz....

Whatever the case... yeah...

Time for a sad song once again...

Where's My Next Song Coming From?

The past three days, a line from this show some of us watched on sunday has been haunting me. The show, Touched by An Angel, was recounting a story of a terminally ill kid, very sickly yet very brave. Along comes junior angel, discussing the kid's condition with senior angel. And senior angel said "The kid's very sick. His dreams are all broken, so that the Lord could give him wisdom."

And somehow that line has just stuck in my mind. Larry Crabb says God shatters our dreams that we might be recipients of the dreams that are well and truly God's, instead of our own. Gene Edwards says our dreams are broken and we live through pain that we might learn the kind of humility befitting a Servant King. And now senior angel says that we experienced broken dreams that we might gain wisdom.

Gene Edwards says in another book of his, The Inward Journey, where he talks abt the passage in Hebrews that says Christ was perfected in His suffering. And he goes on to say that Christ had to learn abt suffering in his time on earth, something he had to experience. And so he made a statement to the effect of how there are lessons to be learnt through the process of pain and broken dreams.

Yet I feel the crux of the issue lies in the perseverance through such pain. The one who is unwilling to go through it will emerge bitter and hollow, having picked up nothing from his trip into the valleys. It is only the willing traveller through the valley of death that will emerge all the wiser, and all the more glad. Only willingness will allow the Lord to turn mourning into dancing. Anything else is meaningless pain that we struggle to get out of, albeit in vain. Maybe that explains why so many Christians have great difficulty in trusting God to lead them through pain, and turn away. Because they weren't willing to enter into the pain at all in the first place. The demands that God seems to place on us to trust and obey, even when every fibre within our being is crying out for release, to cut loose and run away from our burdens... it seems almost too cruel to have come from a God who claims to love us.

The past 2 years of blogging has shown me that I'm only 2 yrs into what seems to be my own 40 yrs in the dessert. I keep circling around back to the same issues, dealing with my past failures and my longing to recapture my shattered dreams. Two songs that I treasure has served as sort of like the two pillars that kept my life from crashing everytime I felt the urge to just break away from God and indulge in my desires, to find some release for my heavy and tired heart. The first is a classic oldie, Trust His Heart. I remember the first time I heard it, and how the tears just wouldn't stop flowing at every word of the chorus. It was exactly the words I needed to hear back then.

"So when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand... Trust His Heart."

Not His promises in the Bible, because it just sounds so hollow. Not anything people can tell me about Him, because it seems that He's never failed anyone except me. Instead, trust His heart. Something intangible, yet the only thing that I can grasp at when it seems that there's no other way to make sense of what I was going through.

The other song is the one I posted up. If You Want me To, by Ginny Owens. I guess after my initial brush with failure and disappointment, and have learnt to handle it, I managed to make sense of it by telling myself it was moulding my character, and shaping my spirituality. I managed to convince myself that there was value in it, and thus not an exercise in futility. All my failures, all my demons, all my loneliness was there because God wants to use these trials in my life to shape me into the man that He wants me to be. Yet after 2 yrs, I look back and I don't think my trials have taught me much. I'm still as bitter, still as lonely, still as weak, still as insecure... and I still feel as far from God as I was for the longest time now...

That was when the song really struck something in me. I learnt not to start looking for agendas in the things I go through, to make excuses for God, that all those things I went through have been turned by God into something that worked for my good. I've learnt to acknowledge that my life is far from ideal. In fact, it is the pits. And realistically, it doesn't look like its going to get better. This world isn't geting any brighter. Its getting darker. And the scars I bear will probably never disappear magically, but will be what I carry with me till the day I die. I guess what the song has taught me is that despite all this... I will go through it - as long as it is what He wants me to. Simple as that.

And when this thought first hit me, it was pretty liberating. It made me understand how there were so many who could so graciously bear up under the most gross of injustices, and with so little in their life to cause envy. I guess it was a lot easier to bear with the pain when I no longer had to look for rhyme and reason of why I go through what I go through. So I no longer need to wonder why I go through each day with a heavy heart, or why my days seem to be characterized more by defeat and surrender rather than victory. I just need to trust His heart, then live through everything that comes my way, as long as it is what He wants me to do.

And a timely reminder it was tonight. I seem to have entered into another cycle of restlessness and melancholia. Christmas is round the corner. I remember posting a while back about how I can't wait for Christmas to be here, that I might have something to stir up hope within me. The last two weeks I felt I was running out of time. That its getting harder and harder to care for people. To reach out to those around me. To look out for them, and to keep up with them. Increasingly I found the temptation to shut myself in to be stronger and stronger. To just about anyone else, I would have seemed to be doing well. I'm getting better and better at hiding the melancholia and depression that is eating away at me inside.

Tonight as I sat down to think a little, I guess these two songs provided some form of comfort to me. It reminded me of a time when what I went through wasn't meaningless, because my meaning was found not my my self-fulfillment, but in fulfilling what He wants and desires.

And I'm left with a longing for yet another song to come my way, to serve as yet another pillar in my life, to keep it from crashing down around me. I once had such a song for 4 yrs, but that one has come and gone for good.

I'm still waiting, and I guess I'll keep on waiting... if He wants me to.

Its Monday AGAIN...

2nd post in 2 days... those guys who complained that I dun write as much anymore are gonna regret they ever said so.

Hehz...

Anyway, I really liked today's message at chapel. I wasn't really myself when leading worship. I dunno why. Mebbe its cos I really didn't have the time to prepare... It was the first time I prepared a worship without knowing what the verse was going to be. I just had a sketchy grasp of the content of the sermon. So I told God I was really gonna throw the worship into His lap, and that He was going to have to lookout for me. So for once I kept my eyes closed for most of the time, instead of trying so hard to pay attention to everything around me... and I for once I decided to just really let myself worship, and let God be the one leading it. And maybe somehow in the midst of that, God prepared my heart for the message that followed.

Zhang Mu Shi spoke about love, and how the essence of love is one that is a response to the love we have received. And I guess it was always a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. All my brushes with authoritarian figures in church and Crusade have always left me wondering how can someone who on the surface seem to be doing what is biblically right - inflict more pain, and do more damage, than sitting by and apparently "letting the sinner get away with his sin"? Why is it that these people who seem to be on such an intimate walk with God be so blatantly guilty of trampling on people's dignity and the worth that God has placed on every person, and still feel so self-righteous about how they have been doing the will of God? Isn't it an act as blind as those who proclaim the grace of God right alongside the prosperity gospel?

So how does a spiritual dictator measure up against a spiritual shepherd?

I think of the one person above all who stands out in Campus Crusade - Anthony, and if I were to write down the first 5 words to come to mind, its would be Godly, Meek, Humble, Kind, Gentle. Anthony's no push-over. Those who know him better can tell you that. Yet unlike quite a few other staff members who always had the tendency to assert biblical authority to keep things under control, I always had the deepest respect for Anthony, for how he showed me what its like for a man to be able to trust God to be in control. I was never under any pressure from him to live up to any standards set. He was the first discipler I had who showed me what an unconditional acceptance was like.

Without meaning to let it serve as a finger-pointing session, I've also worked with some others who loved God so much that they forgot to love man. Their actions were always couched in biblical origins, with some very very good rationales for what they did. Yet the end result more often than not is that their acts of "living righteous lives that serves and pleases God", is that people leave the ministry. I've seen many who left Crusade, after having been stung by some very harsh words spoken with a lot of spiritual knowledge, yet devoid of any spiritual wisdom and love. And I've seen a lot of that in church as well. Of course, I don't put the blame solely on those people in places of authority. Leadership is a tough role, and there are many who leave a place where they dun get the affirmation they crave, to search for some place else that would feed their ego.

I guess it was always a tough call to make. But there were so many things that were said today in the sermon that touched a chord in me. About the need to identify and put oneself into others' shoes... the need to love because we ourselves have been the recipients - and God has promised that anything we invested in love will always reap a plentiful harvest... the need to step out of my myopia, and embrace a larger world than the one that I have marked out for my own comfort.

And everyday I am challenged to do that. From friends around me that disappoint, where I have to learn to see things from their point of view and so be more understanding than condemning... to colleagues that spook me out with some really weird inclinations, where I have to learn to always keep in mind that they too have a dignity and humanity that God has ascribed to them, which I have learn to respect... to even all those times where my efforts to reach out to a brother or sister continues to hit a brick wall after so many years, and I feel like giving up...

Just two weeks ago I was speaking to Stefan, Simon's friend from Germany. we were talking abt Europe, and how even tho 90% are professing Christians or Catholics, less than 10% go to church. In Asia, almost 70% of professing believers attend church, even tho the percentage of believers are a lot less. So while we look at them and wonder what sort of hypocritical faith they havem they too have issues with our faith. To them, they find it meaningless when they see so many who attend church, who walks out and continues to behave as though God only loves those who merit His love... more eager to trample on others' humanity to embrace God's divinity. Yet to us, we wonder what sort of blind belief could it be, that allows a person to claim to be a believer, yet be so all-inclusive of the things they believe in, until they might as well not have believed in anything at all.

And in my conversation with him, the one word we all agreed upon, which had repeatedly come up in our interractions, was the word "acceptance". And perhaps such really is the most important ingredient of love. If love truly covers all, then it would be more interested to build up people and bridge people, instead of tearing them down and dividing them. It does not mean a blatant indifference nor an absolute ignorance on what is right and wrong... but it means a willingness to overlook it on behalf of Christ, for the purpose of His family and His house.

I guess I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn these lessons in the weeks ahead. All these years have taught me that God's irony and timing is impeccable. The minute I claim to have learnt a lesson, He requires me to prove it.

Hehz... Ah well.

I guess that's also part of learning.

Can't believe its back to work again.

SIGH.

Once In A Blue Moon, I DO Write

People have been asking why I don't write as much anymore.

I don't know. Maybe its because I'm tired of always writing about the same old thing. Maybe its because I'm too tired out by work and studies. Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe I'm just trying to not let the melancholia get the better of me.

Today I attended Aaron's wedding. And even as there is part of me who is really happy for him that he's finally settled down with a good girl, I've had more than a few questions over Aaron's choice. There are some guys out there who "just need to have someone in my life". And so these guys would rather settle for a life with someone that has managed to cross the minimum standard, and who has said yes. And I used to think Aaron's like that. I'm not so sure now, but the question is still somewhat nagging at the back of my head.

Lately, there have bene a couple of guys who came up to me, telling me how much they miss their ex boyfriend/girlfriend. And they really do. One started crying when she dug up some old stuff that represented the remnants of a broken promise to spend the rest of their lives together, while another is unable to muster up any sense of joy in the light of his longings for what he's always wanted so badly, but which seems destined to be denied him.

And not too long ago I've been asked what I would feel if Grace were to get attached again. Honestly, I really don't have a clue. All I know is that even till this day, there have been moments when I catch myself still letting thoughts stray to her. No longer the angry thoughts of the betrayal that hurt so much, no longer the longing to regain back the sweet moments we once shared... but perhaps just the nostalgia of what it was like to have someone share your life with you. Of those times when there was at least one person out there who would know you like no one else ever did. The one person over others where you had no need to maintain a facade, simply because she's spent so much time with you that any pretence would have been unbearably tiring. And so there is a nostalgic kind of longing, that is tinged with the regret that it is impossible to go back again. And since looking forward is too tiring, and too uncertain, I guess that explains why I let my thoughts remain in the past...

Why is it so hard for me to move on in a relationship, when for others it is so easy? More than two years on, I still find it hard to convince myself I'll be able to love the girl as much as I loved Grace. Not to mention the scars of that r/s still leaves me with a deep sense of insecurity that she won't do to me what Grace did. Maybe that's why I'm still waiting for the girl to make the first move, so that it gives me a measure of security that she really wants to be in such a r/s. I'm done with being a tryout for someone else.

Not too long ago, I told myself I'll spend my bus trips back hom praying to God... and make it a discipline. I used to love praying... I used to feel so close to God when I prayed. Yet now, I feel like Susan in Chronicles of Narnia, who grew up and out-grew the wonder of it all. For a couple of weeks, I really did pray. Then this week I started to find that everytime I prayed, my thoughts would wander to three things - My studies, work at Reuters, and a r/s. My longing to make right both my studies and r/s this time round, and also always at the back of my head the question of whether or not I'll still be a Reuters next year. And no matter how hard I try to pray, it always comes back to these three things.

Yet the funny thing is, I really don't know what I want in all these three things. My choice of studies is increasingly looking like a bad idea. I'm thinking of switching course for my second year onwards, from a degree in general management, to business management. I dunno if extending my contract is a good idea, since I DO need to make time to study. I dunno if I'm ready to enter into another r/s. Of course, the irony is that from the moment I'm ready to enter one, it might still be another ten yrs before someone right comes along.

SIGH.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't a crazy world.

Maybe its just me.

Hehz...

Of course, not to be so locked up in my little world, its also time to finally put down on this blog, my hearty congratulations to a very dear friend for having finally taken a plunge to step into a r/s. I guess by now she shd have told all those around her who read my blog, so its safe to put it down now.

As much as I'm happy for her, I'm running out of 'scapegoats' whom I can divert attention to the next time someone asks me abt dating. That's gonna be something sorrying.

Hehz...

Worship Leader Insecurities at 2am

As I sit here at 2 in the morning, having finally finished preparing for worship practice later, I realise that my choice of songs is inevitably influenced by my present mood…. When I’m in a state of confusion, or when I’m feeling rather lost, my choice of songs reflect a really poor flow of theme and music. Disorganized and all jumbled up, I very quickly forget my purpose for putting it there in the first place. Making up reasons becomes the instinctive next step, giving little thought to the flow as a whole. The process repeats itself at the next song, and the whole worship becomes a shamble.

Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. But as I sat and thought about it, I realize that my rather pensive mood did show itself through my choice of songs. These past few days have been hectic and stretching, yet somehow I don’t find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed by tiredness, or emotionally drained by the things ahead of and around me. Thus I’ve stopped picking songs about tiredness, and finding rest in God. I remember times in the past where every week that I led was very much held together by the over-arching theme of finding rest in God…

And I guess even though it should have been common sense, it did strike me in a way, just how much of worship is still led by my self, instead of something supernaturally put together by the hand of God. And yet somehow if my heart was right before God, then no matter how scatter-brained I was, no matter how much my preparations were affected by my state of mind, then God could use the preparations to make a difference at the service, and turn something worthless into something priceless.

I guess I needed to know that now, because my worship prep still feels really sketchy and ill-prepared. My thoughts kept wandering back to some things that have been bothering me for some time now… and so even though by and large the preparations are done, I keep having the nagging doubt that its gonna turn out right. Worse part is, I can’t decide if the feeling stems from a genuine lack of proper preparations, or due to my current state of mind.

Aaarrrrgggh. Nevertheless, I shall put it aside and strive to catch some shut-eye, and take comfort in what I’ve just learnt.

Safe In A Crazy World

Its funny how clichéd it sounds when I speak again of how God seems to keep me safe in this crazy world. Yes, not sane in a crazy world, but safe in a world that seems to have driven itself mad. I was just musing to myself that this whole world seems to be moving on so fast that I can’t catch up. Everyone’s all moving on with their lives, getting married and getting their careers slowly settled in order… they’re all slowly entering the adult phase of their lives, saving up as they work. And the fear inevitably arises, that I’ll be forgotten in the wake of the distance that has come between me and the world, and all those whom I hold dear to my heart.

I always fancied myself as a man with a small heart. One with little faith in others, and even less in myself. And along with that comes the inevitable barrage of questions that I ask in the silences of my mind, about how important those around me are to me, and how important I will be to them. How do I actually view them in all those times when they aren’t aware of my take on them, and how they likewise view me apart from the times they let me know. Then I after answering those questions myself, I question if I was right in my judgment, and if I was being either incredibly naive or unbelievably cynical. And each time I find myself in a position to love someone and be genuine, these questions surfaces to haunt me, and stop me from opening up more than I really should. And since these questions don’t really ever come to an end, my subtle paranoia never ceases. In short, as I question others, and question myself for questioning others, I lock myself into this senselessly mind-numbing experience that paralyses me from being able to function normally. I therefore spend almost equal amounts of time trying to give as much as I can to all those around me, as well as totally withdrawing from everyone back into my own shell.

Enter God, into the equation. I don’t become any more sane. I still question, I still worry, and I’m pretty sure I’m still as paranoid as ever. But somehow there’s a part of me that dares to every now and then venture to open up with reckless abandon, within that small window of grace, where I somehow feel the safety and security in something bigger than me, to reach outside of me and connect with someone. Somehow as the song goes, as long as there was someone out there who understood me, and embraced my fragilty, I could feel safe, and rest in the comfort of that knowledge.

So as Sarah Mclachlan sung, its time to stop weeping for the memories. I used to love the song for its second stanza, yet strangely revisiting this song tonight, the chorus jumps out at me, to learn to leave and let go of the past. And I really do cling an awful lot to the past. To all those whom I’ve once shared bits and pieces of my heart and my life with, who has now seemingly faded out of my life. Now when we meet up, it seems that all we do is reminisce, and don’t really make any effort to catch up anymore. I think back to the days of my fellowship and cell group, and the original gang that did so much together - and after a while, my social circle in church runs the risk of being made up of absent friends more than the ones present who really deserve more from me. In ministry I keep looking back to the times when the Lord was gracious in blessing the things we did, and the church seemed to be on fire for God - now that there remains the need for us to be faithful stewards who persevere at what we do, I catch myself living in the past, on the excuse of trying to draw strength from the times when God’s been good to us, forgetting that God is still as good to us as He was then. In love, I find myself questioning if any girl would ever love me like Grace did, and if things would ever work out. For two years, my search was for a replacement. Mebbe that’s why I never did find anyone - even now I'm still reminding myself whenever I feel the urge to start a r/s, that it must not be an exercise in seeking back that which I lost, but the discovery of something brand new.

Then of course, there are those people whom I’ve even given up trying to reminisce with, or bother to remember, despite us having once been so close. My JC class is slowly becoming like that. And even as I mourn the loss of some very dear friends whom I once held so very close to my heart, part of me is acknowledging that its time to move on. That even as there’s no need to cut off contact, there also needs to be the decision to recognize the end of a segment of my life. “Don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories”

Lastly, there are those whom I feel I’ve gradually lost touch with, that I’ve always been reluctant to do so. Like some of those in Crusade, whom I valued very much. Yet graduation, work and ministry inevitably takes its toll on a friendship that has lost much of its context and reason for meeting up. The rest just depends on pure effort, which very easily gets brushed aside in the light of busy schedules and all.

And as life around me seems to be getting crazier everyday, and its harder and harder to make any sor of sense of all that goes on around me, I find myself going back again to one thing I realized about myself – the answer for me isn’t to have a solution to this world I live in, an answer for all the ironies and all the cruelties that this life extracts from me. Making sense of it won’t make any difference. Feeling safe in spite of it all would. And that’s what God has somehow done for me. Somehow, in these two weeks, one of the busiest that I’ve ever experienced, He's done that for me.

Somehow, He found the time to subtly let me know He’s around, so that even though I missed it when he told me, I felt His presence after that for the rest of the week.



P.S., Man Utd ended Chelsea's 40-match unbeaten streak last night with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford, posting for themselves their first win in 13 games. I guess not only did He make sure I felt His presence this week, but He made sure to let me know He's a Man Utd fan. Grins.

Dear Lord...

Lord, the past week has been nothing short of overwhelming. I was looking forward to this past week as a welcome rest after all the hassle of the wedding. Yet by wednesday I had found myself wishing I was back at one week before the wedding, so much less I had seemed to have on my plate.

I imagined having time to take stock of myself, and to just think of all that had happened, coming to terms with the reality of my sister's marriage to Joseph. I thought I'd be able to slowly ease myself back into the studying frame of mind. I had pictured myself doing so many things. Yet maybe they're right when they say that you love to make a man eat his words and swallow his plans. They say you love to watch a man struggle to keep his head above the water, delighting in the instance that he will finally see beyond himself and call out to you for help.

Lots of things they say about you, Lord. And many a times like this, I'm tempted to believe them. I was told just last night that I have a gift of opening pple up, that somehow I'm able to be a comfort to them in the midst of their pain and troubles. I was told before many times that I'm one of the happiest persons they know, always able to smile and put on a brave face no matter what had come my way. Some have even been kind enough to tell me that they think I'm pretty mature in my thoughts, while others pay me compliments of being nice, generous and patient just to name a few.

Yet if I were ever asked to say something about you that the pulpit does not usually say, I'd tell them you were the God of Ironies. How else do I explain why I know of people who somehow appreciate my company enough to confide in me, and tell me my presence and my words have helped, when there are so many times alone in my room when I feel so desperately lonely, finding it unbearable to be with myself?

How else do I explain why I’m never short of female companionship, yet always missing out on the best friend of my life?

Why else would there be so many who see me as cheerful and positive, when aside from my facades that I assume in the company of others, there've also been plenty of my melancholia I no longer hide, which people don't recognize as being part of who I really am?

How else do I explain how I can encourage most around me and sort out their problems for them, when my life remains such an unmitigated mess?

Lord, sometimes I feel like my life is nothing short of an unending chain of ironies. Maybe that explains my brand of humour, and my take on life – always tinged with a slight trace of cynicism. Yet beneath the surface of that bravado, I somehow still carry deep within me the optimism and hope that I’m wrong, that somehow you’ll still make sense for me, of all the crazy things that seem to happen around me.

This world somehow seems bent on telling you that this is a great place to be in, with the seemingly endless varieties and potential it promises, only to take each dream you’ve built up along the way, and shatter it into an unrecognizable state. And Lord, after a few such experiences, its so easy to give up on my dreams already. Go through the machinery of life and see it through to the end seems to become the motto. Follow through on the conveyor belt like everyone else, and try not to end up as a defective product. That seems to have become the new ideal, the new dream. And so many of us have learnt to couch it in more spiritual terms, assuming a pseudo-heart of thanksgiving and contentment. So much so that we don’t recognize the value of dreaming and reaching for the fullness of life you’ve promised.

On my worst days, I start thinking that I’m falling into that trap. Getting a little too engrossed in my work, I begin to value my rest time above the level of commitment I gave – not in terms of the time I put in, but in terms of the willingness to participate. And as I start berating myself for the blurring of my priorities, my internal debate begins again, justifying to myself my course of actions and at the same time refusing to believe its legitimacy. At the end of the day, I just end up being more and more disappointed in myself.

Maybe that’s why tonight and for the past few days, this song has persistently haunted me. Cos in the midst of all that goes on inside my head, of the demons I’ve made for myself in my life, there are always those brief moments of respite that you offer… a slight glimpse of yourself here and there, an inexplicable change in attitude out of the blue that chases the clouds away for that one day, that somehow keeps me sane and safe in this crazy world.

Maybe this is a little of how Job felt after you showed yourself, yet refused to answer a single one of his questions. Somehow just your very presence offered the comfort that made all words superfluous.

I’ll need more of that in the upcoming weeks, Lord. All the way till I celebrate your birth here in this crazy world you made, that we’ve messed up. Until then, this song serves as a prayer to you, for your elusive love that never fails to find me every time I stop searching and wait to be found. A prayer of thanksgiving, and of gratitude… for how you’ve always been so near even when I’m the one who has kept you so far… and I guess even for understanding me in the midst of my incoherent prayers to you…

It’s a new week again, Lord.

Office Musings

I once heard this story somewhere, possibly as an illustration in a Ravi Zacharias sermon, where there was a man who stood in a marketplace to tell the people the truth. Day and night, rain and shine, he would be there, shouting at the top of his voice, the truth he believes in.

At first, he was a novelty and a curios. Then he was a bore. He finally became an irritant, and a liability to the marketplace. They hurled their insults at him, their rotten vegetables and meat, and ridiculed the things he was saying. They threw him out of the marketplace, and chastised all those who would pause to listen to what he had to hear.

“Have nothing to do with his nonsense, unless you are as mad as he is”, they would say.

Yet the man persisted in his task.

Finally, a little boy walked over to ask him why he does what he’s been doing. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just walk amongst the crowd, and whisper to a few at a time, or just keep it to himself? Why does he want to incur the wrath of everyone by shouting at the top of his voice, the things that he proclaims?

The man replies, “I used to shout at the marketplace place because I hope for as many people as possible to hear what I have to say. Now, I keep on shouting at the top of my voice to keep myself from forgetting what I wanted others to hear.”

*****************************************************

I learn a little more about myself everyday. This story really struck a chord in me. I realized that sometimes, I’m pretty much doing the same thing. I say the same thing over and over again, and I bore everyone out with basically the same words on my blog. A little bit abt my church life, and a lot more abt my lack of a love life. Of my ideals in a r/s that I’m struggling to keep from compromising, and the little things in the ministry that I always am amazed at, and give thanks for.

For the ways in which Henry and Bernice always provide such a model of servanthood that never fails to humble me everytime I like to entertain the thought that I’m doing more than a lotta pple I see…

For how they’ve also been such ceaseless servants in the ministry that I’ve never hard them whine abt needing to take a break from serving… and how tiring as the ministry may be, somehow we continue to serve with thankful and joyful hearts. And its such a rare trait to find in churches nowadays… pple who dun whine abt how tired they are, but are able to exhibit joy in their selfless service.

I think the day I stop repeating these things to myself, is the day I’ve totally forgotten that which I shd have kept close to my heart. The things that the world is constantly seeking to drown out, but that which I need to always remind myself in order to keep my heart tender enough for His word and His Truth to saturate into my soul.

So I Now Have A Brother In Law...

Yes, its been a really really mad week of activities... and now that my sis has finally been married off, and is now happily on her way to Germany for her honeymoon, I finally have time to take stock of all that has passed.

The week started with my frantic last-minute attempts to write a song for her. The first draft was naturally an unmitigated disaster, absolutely exacerbated by my desire to write it in chinese, since it will be sung in a chinese wedding service. I'm glad to say that I have trashed every copy of the first draft I could get my hands on, and hopefully no copies of it exists anymore on the face of this earth. Yet I stubbornly chose to meet Henry on tue night with that draft, and try to come up with a melody. Naturally, it was an utter and abject failure. We ended up singing lots of other love songs that popped to mind, and had a lotta fun jamming away. But nothing much came out that night. So we were left with thus night as our only alternative practice slot. So on wed night I decided that it was time for me to rise to the occasion and come up with something decent, as a small measure of reciprocation for all the years my sis had been so gracious and loving towards me.

Stopping short of going down on my knees, (tho that would have been my next resort), I was asking God to give me something that I could take to my sister. And how the big guy answered my prayers! 2 hrs that night as I hammered away at the keyboard and finally came up with the lyrics, followed by a whole day of arduous torture at work as I struggled to stay awake, followed by 2 hrs of intense composing, and the song was finally complete. I was so happy then. So the most natural thing to have happened in that moment of euphoria, which was what I did - was to forget to thank God. But nevertheless, somehow if any credit could be taken from me for this song, it would have been that brief prayer I made that night before God, because it certainly couldn't have come from me.

The drama continues tho. Not being all too sure of the song, I decided to go down to Bernice's house to prac it again with Henry on fri, where the worship team were gathering for their practice. That's when we came up with the brilliant idea that we shd turn it into a duet. Actually Henry had already mentioned on thus night after we completed it, that it sounds like a duet song. I concurred - but dismissed the idea since I figured it was too late to find someone on such short notice. Up stepped Sylvia to take up the responsibility. She bravely shouldered the task, praticed it really diligently, and did a lot better than she gave herself credit for. So when saturday came, and we did the song on stage, it is with really minimal humility when I say that of all the many positive feedbacks that I came across of the song, there was very little I dared to even consider attributing to myself. But I guess that's how God always intended His gifts to be.

Interesting, to consider the song as sort of God's wedding gift to the couple...

Hehz...

Friday night marked the beginning of a mad rush to prep the house for the next day's activities. Early in the morning, the sisters all trooped in and took over the house, plotting their devious little 'sabo's for the brothers, and for Joseph. Thinking of how I'm gonna be in the brothers's team soon enough for Xianghui's wedding, I shuddered a little when I overheard all the plans the sisters had in mind. And sure enough, when the brothers and Joseph came, they had do some really disgusting stuff. I managed to dodge the bullet on account of being the bride's brother. Grins.

It was a really hot day, but we gamely trooped over to church after all that for the wedding ceremony. The whole ceremony proceeded really smoothly, and there were many who came up to extend their congratulations. Many relatives, whom I don't even recognize, all called my name and grabbed my hand to speak to me. Was a really really embarrassing time for me man... Hehz... Was thinking to myself just how dead am I gonna be at my own wedding (if I ever manage to con a girl into marrying me, I mean), when it comes to inviting relatives, and greeting them when they show up. Worse was to follow at the tea ceremony, when Jo and my sis had to serve tea and call each relative by their exact 'title'. I think I would have just chosen to jump out of the window.

Then when it was all over, I stayed out with Paul and Stanley to have dinner and a drink while watching Man Utd screw up a match against Spurs. Went home late, tried working on my MC script for the dinner, and realised I was too drunk to think clearly. So slept instead and woke up with a terrific hangover. Went for service, after which we celebrated Enoch and Huilin's birthday. Rushed down to the hotel (thank God for the Lancer. Hehz...) to meet the co-ordinators to finalize plans for the dinner, then had to spend an hour frantically trying to prepare something to say at the dinner. Bathed, then rushed down for all the sound checks and stuff, and never looked back since then.

I thought the dinner was really sweet, I had my fair share of banter with Joseph on stage, and there was enough mush to go around by the various speeches to qualify it as a heart-warming dinner. All in all, I really felt the whole thing went off really well. I had my share of pretty major screw-ups on stage, but I doubt many caught it. I was a little raw, naturally, since it was my first time being an MC... but I think I would have been a tad too harsh with myself if I said I sucked.

*deep breathe*

Here's the song I wrote, for anyone interested in reading it. Yes, Mei, feel free to mock this work of love that is God's gift to the couple...

从今以后

Verse 1:
现在起
你我要学习
从今以后
彼此地相依
不顾前路有多么艰苦
两颗心
永远不分离

Verse 2:
在此刻
只想对你说
从今以后
将与你合一
生命不再
只属于自己
我愿把
一生交给你

Chorus:
从今以后
要学习爱戴与珍惜
从今以后
风雨路陪你走过
天父祂慈爱的看顾
成全我与你
在祂爱里
你我建立
我们的家庭

Bridge:
一生一世在祂爱里
一同经历祂丰盛的慈爱

Last Line:
在祂爱里
你我约定
终生不分离

I've put up the song 我愿意为你 because throughout the whole process of composing the song, we couldn't stop bemoaning the fact that this was such a beautiful song to sing at a wedding. Unfortunately Faye Wong has really made it her own, and made it almost impossible to do a better job of it. As such, any attempts to use it at a wedding would really be awful. But its always a personal favorite. Everytime I read the lyrics, I find myself almost soulishly reaching to every emotion that the lyrics convey....

Weddings always stirs up the same feelings of desire that I have to find someone to share my life with, someone whom I could run to at a moments notice, just because I had a spontaneous urge to tell her I love her. Seeing those couples walking in to the dinner and at the wedding... sometimes I had to remind myself to focus on the things I had to do, and not get caught up in my wistful musings.

But I guess I've said enough abt that, so I shall not prolong this post anymore.

Except to say this...

I'm SO gonna miss my sis.

God's Own Fool

Funny that over dinner I shd with Paul yesterday I shd have just mentioned that the most sensible woman in the world can be an absolute wreck of nerves and senses when it comes to affairs of the heart. And perhaps himself being a pretty good benchmark, lemme expand that to include all people on planet earth. Every bystander can see in the most crystal clear manner possible, just why the relationship is an absolute diasaster - yet the party involved will somehow cling on to the "hope against hope" that time and stubborn resolve would prove its critics wrong. And how we celebrate the odd story in a million where indeed the critics have been confounded, where love in all its grit has triumphed over all.

All that is a prelude to what I just learnt tonight. a friend of mine, inadvertently at first, perhaps... let slip that she had driven all the way to her ex's house, so as to somehow allow the proximity to him (in this case, his car) temper the grief of the broken relationship. Of course, my first reaction was one of astonishment at the desperation the gesture more or less signified. Yet the secondary reaction was one of a sheepish recognition, since I myself have many times been guilty of the same tendency, if not the exact same act.

The many times I would find an excuse for myself to pace Holland Village and Jelita Cold Storage, hoping for a glance of her, an opportunity to 'accidentally' bump into her. How it took me the whole of 2 years to wean myself off the habit of instinctively scanning every room in church that I walk into, hoping to find her there. The times back home when I'd imagine the conversations I'd have if I did bump into her... I guess we all have our indulgences as we try to let go, little by little...

I guess God made love to always be the most illogical thing in the world. When the bible talks abt how the foolishness of God is the wisdom of man, I can think of no better example than the love God displayed. How else could we ever explain a God dying for the sake of us? Sometimes we've heard the message so much that we've become numbed to the sheer ludicrity of such an act.

Somehow God dying for us has become quite a logical thing to do.

And I guess its right about that time that we stop being captivated by the magnitude of God's love, measured against the sheer inanity of His sacrifice. Tonight I find myself very much humbled by the timeless truth of God's love showed in how He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. Because when we appreciate the beauty of the act, and not be so quick to apply theology to it, the absurdity of God's gesture would be many times more foolish than the most ridiculous act you could imagine a lover to be capable of. Much more stupid than what my friend did tonight, or that I ever did in the past.

I find myself very much in the mood to celebrate love, suddenly. I spent my dinner trying to wrack my brains with Paul, for a song to sing at my sister's wedding. I've lamented about how my lack of a love life seemed to have stifled my ability to write lyrics that exalts love. I wasn't half as keen as Henry & Bernice were to find a christian song, figuring that a secular one would do just as well. Yet right now, there is a much different picture in my mind, of how the love of a man and woman will always look cheap if it exists in and of itself, measured against the incomparable love of Christ. To thus celebrate a marriage without that Sovereign Love as the backdrop of it all would very much cheapen any love story, no matter how much the couple in question feel like they're fulfilled.

Michael Card always writes songs like no one else I know. His lyrics paint pictures in your head that would have put to shame anyone who believed that "a picture paints a thousand words". Tonight this song somehow surprised me by touching off something inside of me.

God really makes all things beautiful in His own time.

Life's Ironies

Slow day at work.

Slow meaning I need to slow down cos I'm spoiling market by producing too many too fast. So unless I slow down now, I'm gonna have 2 pairs of eyes glaring... no, make that staring - at me.

Grins.

Anyway, I just thought that it was really funny this morning that the news reported Wayne Rooney was passed fit to play for England in the match against Poland. What tickled me was learning he had a late injury scare in training, when - get this - his ankle was clipped... by Peter Crouch.

Muahahaha... for the football unsavvy, Rooney is just back from serving his suspension, and was poised to take back his position in the team... currently occupied by Crouch.

Hehz...

My week

England just posted a 1-0 win against Austria, with my dear Beckham again being sent off. No doubt he'll be crying to the media once again about how he's been the victim of a harsh decision, after which will follow stories of huge conspiracies against him.

The whole week has sped past me so fast. Its scary to think that the wedding is just 2 weeks away from now. So many things are still so unsettled. I still dunno what song to sing (the rehearsal is on thursday), I still haven't worked out with anyone the sequence for the dinner (I'm the emcee), I need to cut my hair, decide on what to wear so I can borrow the appropriate ties from Paul (yes darling, I'm gonna need to borrow them, by the way...), just to list some of the more major things I have yet to do for the wedding.

Its really scary. I can't even begin to imagine how my sis must be feeling.

Married.

As much as we all mull so much over whether or not this is the right one for me, we acknowledge the uncertainty of it all evne within a r/s... how much more scary it is to step into such an uncertain and irrevocable position as to be married to that someone? Some people fear death because of the uncertainty ahead - no one knows what's gonna happen whe you cross over to the other side. And as much as there is an irony here about using death as the analogy, I guess that's really the greatest doubt that crosses everyone's mind.

Man...

Weixiu's already making such a big meal out of just getting attached. I think I shd tell her boyfriend to propose on their first date out, cos it'll prob take her the next 20 yrs to decide to say yes.

Grins.

My manager's returning next week, so there goes my goofing off in the office. Sigh. Things just always seem to be getting tougher and tougher eveywhere. I'm just gonna be glad once the month is over, cos it'll mean the wedding's over and done with - and that I'll have gotten my first full paycheck. Hehz... Yes, I owe Weixiu a treat. Hmm... thinking MacDonald's or KFC...

Wuahahahahaha...

This week of talking to so many pple, and the topic mainly abt r/s, I guess its sort of stirred up in me again longings that I thought I had put down pretty well already. I told myself that I'd wait till I graduated before I considered dating, but with a lot of the cobversations lately centering about how timing is so important in getting hitched to the right person, I'm wondering if I shd let my 3-yr window be a determining factor in deciding whether or not its bad timing... So that if opportunity comes up, I'd actually go for it instead of sticking by my decision to wait it out.

Cos its a really lonely path to tread alone. I've always wanted to bring my own girlfriend to my sis's wedding. Or at least I had always pictured bringing Grace. To somehow now be going there alone suddenly made me again think abt how the future we had envisioned together, and the dreams we had built up over 4 yrs, has all come to naught now. As much as that somehow makes me very cautious abt getting into another r/s again, there's at the same time the desire to build new dreams with someone else, and to try again to make it work this time round.

Its the same sort of impulse as what you get when you play a game and lose... you wanna straight away give it a second try, and hopefully get it right this time round.

But it just sounds so silly when I equate it to a game.

Sigh.

But ah well.

Tmr will be the last time I run... before the wedding, at least. Its been a good 5 months' worth of work, and I think I do feel a lot healthier, if not for that knee of mine which I suspect will soon have to go. It hurts pretty badly nowadays, even when I'm just walking up the stairs. Not sure what I shd do about it, actually. But tmr I'm sure gonna just give it the run of my life... and hope the knee holds up. It'll be so ironic now if I end up going to the wedding with crutches.

Grins.

Its been a pretty emotinally trying few weeks for everyone, and I've noticed a few people breaking down on various occaions... some very subtle and unnoticeable unless you were aware of what to look out for. Yet such heavy-heartedness has been a very tangible presence, and in many ways contributed to the very low-energy feeling in ministry lately. Tonight at worship prac, Bernice was again sharing so many things that were pressing on her, many of which I can really empathize with.

I know I say it very often.... and don't do it half as much.. I really feel the very heavy burden to be praying more. There's this mental picture that comes to mind where I imagine God just hovering around, waiting for us to really start praying, upon which He will step in to do his work... yet it seems that even though its so simple, we just seem to busy ourselves with everything except pray.

We can really be such silly creature sometimes.

Anyway, I've put up another old song that I've found. Pity I can't do it for my sis's wedding. I gebuinely think its a really sweet song, and so cute.

Ah well.

Mebbe I'll use it for mine.

Wuahahahahahaha...

Fridays I'm In Love

Hehz... no, nothing abt love... just thinking abt the song... since its friday... Mebbe I'll put it up tonight. =)

Here I am, in the office on a friday morning, more than an hour early. But I do enjoy the peace and quiet it offers me... esp after yesterday's trauma of working the whole day alone cos everyone else is on off, MC, or in training.

Its been a pretty fast week... starting with some guys going off on training, but a newcomer coming in. Yesterday was Weixiu's birthday, and I was helping Kevin co-ordinate her birthday surprise in the office. So there've been my fair share of things to keep me occupied...

I've been feeling so exhausted lately from the flurry of things. Was supposed to have a rehearsal last night for Wendy's function next wk, but turned out that the actual thing falls on the same day as my sis's wedding rehearsal, so I had to cancel. Felt pretty bad... Speaking of which, I have yet to pick a song to sing. Shit man. I only seem to be able to think of goofy funny songs. And if I ever do something like that, I'll never be able to go home again after that.

My knee's really bad also, for some reason. Didn't run on sunday, feeling really lethargic now... I think this week die die als must run already... I need to work out a little, just to limber up a little man.. feeling like a slug now.

A really big slug.

A really really large slug.

A really really really large slug that isn't moving much...

Erm, you get the picture...

Of course, my buddy ain't having the best of times in his life. (Then again, I can't remember the last time he wasn't in the midst of one crisis, moving into another one. At least this time round I'm happy for him. Grins.) Between work and lessons, I guess its easy to drown out our thoughts with things that tire us out... And even as he struggles to cope with his... loss (was tempted to putdown 'gain' instead), I'm also trying my best to muster the strength to adjust myself to the rigours of having to study after working hours. Its pretty tortuous.

Found out a lotta things lately what's going on in a few pple's r/s, crushes on pple... budding romances... lost oportunities... tough decisions... I guess its the only thing left that's keeping me alive. Not that I'm gloating and feeding off other pple's misery, or that I'm so mean as to find joy in what they're going through, but there's a part of me that looks at all that's going on with a great deal of amusement.

We're all such strange creatures, living in such a paradoxical existence. We want to use our heads to make decisions about the heart, then wonder why we don't feel anything. We enjoy the ambiguity of a friendship, yet demand (at least to ourselves) that lines be so clearly drawn that the friendship itself is no longer alive. And for me, sometimes its so tempting to draw away when getting close to someone, yet the yearning at the same time to get even close than I've already come.

Whatever the case, its fri... another week has come and gone. I think I'm playing for Bernice this week... Hope I do better than I did last week. Hehz... Stupid Mingyang actually taped the worship, so I'm gonna have to endure hearing myself play.... Help.