Finally!!!!!

I've finally changed my monitor, and can see colors again!!!! Have been tolerating my previous monitor that has this really irritating yellow filter that distorts the color of everything on the screen. This is a monster of a 19" SONY monitor, at a cost of US$1K, compliments of Mr Joseph Sim.

Grins.

Hehz... I'm now in a spanking clean room, having spent the whole day cleaning it up. And now that I can finally see "clean" images from my PC as well... Mm, its been a good day.

I always thought the weather was a big reason for my mood fluctuations. After all, if a hot day can dampen my spirits even on a good day, what more damage an it do on a bad day, when things aren't going well? But now I realise that most of the time, its more because I chose to steep myself into that state of moodiness. Cos even on a good weather night like this, I find myself once again sinking into melancholia.

Just watched Four Weddings And A Funeral. My second time watching it, since I wanted to watch something in actual colors, and this film was still on my PC. Its one of my fav anyway. And one thing really caught my attention. It was a joke delivered at the eulogy. He said that the man who died had always preferred funerals to weddings, cos its much easier to be enthusiastic about something you know you have a much better chance of participating in.

Chuckles aside, I think he may have been right, in the most morose sense of the word. Cos everytime I attend a wedding, (and I have a fair lot of them to attend in the near future...) I find that I'm happy for the couple. I really am. But I never get round to picturing myself being up there on the aisle, never able to picture who I'll be up there with. But I've pictured myself inside that box so many times now, and I've also written quite a few eulogies for myself, wondering which one of them will have proved itself to be true after my death.

Death as the great equalizer.

No matter how much smarter, richer, fitter or better looking others are. No matter who my dream girl chooses to commit herself to instead of me, at least there's the knowledge that its only temporal. We all end up in a box at the end of the day. So no matter how painful life can be sometimes, there's always death to look forward to. Not as a means of escape, not as a cheap attempt to console myself instead of being more pro-active...

But more because there is a greater sense of eternity in death than in life.

Life is so transient. So unpredictable. So fragile. And oft times so cruel. In so many ways death seems so much kinder, and so much more predictable and stable.

Death, the great equalizer.

Mebbe that's why I can understadn why so many seek death, or obsess over it. After all, no matter how much we make of life, and how much the meaning that can be found in living the life that God has mandated for us, the undeniable fact is that it remains so epehmeral and fleeting. In light of eternity, life seems to be such a negligible period, so why not just be done with it?

Of course, just as how one of my fav lines is the song title itself "The Winner Takes It All", I guess I only feel this way right now cos I seem to be the one on the shorter end of the stick. If things had taken off the way I had imagined, in love and in life, I daresay this would have been a very different entry. If I would have still bothered to blog, that is.

I want to enjoy my life, and live it to the fullest. I want to be able to look back and recognize that I won't have too many regrets about the values I've placed on my life, and on what I've invested my life in. But its easier said than done. Its hard to invest and take delight in something you've come to view through the tint of transcience.

But on the flip side, so many successful people end their own lives, trapped in the mire of the absolute meaningless of their existence. So mebbe even if my life had taken off the way I hoped it would, I would still struggle with the worth of life. After all, just like the fickleness of a relationship disheartens me from daring to love again, the impermanence of everything in life paralyses me, and keeps me from living.

So here I am again, at 2 in the morning, asking myself why I remain so undecided about my life. Why can't I do what so many people have told me to do, to get off my feet and stop being a whinging baby? Is it really because I'm weak? Or is there something else I need to address? Cos I've made so many attempts already, dertermining and willing myself to start being like those pro-active people out there, being driven to make something of my life. Each time I've lasted less than a month, before being once again assailed by my doubts, and my malaise.

Lately, I dun seem to be able to sleep at all. Every night my dreams are so vivid and real. I wake up so disturbed and unrested. And for the rest of the day I feel like I'm half not alive as a result of that. It just becomes a vicious circle after a while.

Sigh.

You know, I'm actually starting to believe that a Mini Cooper with Fiona Xie inside isn't gonna solve the problem as well?

Mebbe that's the saddest part of it all.

Hehz...