This post was inspired by my row with a friend. So to all my faithful readers/lifeless sods who continue to visit this semi-hibernated page, I wonder what your take on this is....
What does love do?
Some people focus on the fallibility of man. They choose to fixate on the fact that man can and surely will fail you, so they don't ever expect much of you. They're content that you had the best of intentions. For these people, their claim is that they've learnt to compensate for the fallibility of men with lowered expectations... happy to accept the bare minimum because expecting more would be unrealistic, in light of how none of us are God.
For me, I believe that the more I count someone as a friend, and the more I claim to love someone, the more my expectations are of the person. Its not an expectation borne out of selfishness. Don't get me wrong. If you tell me you can't give anything, it won't negate the friendship nor the affections I have of you. But because I love you, I won't fixate on how fallible you are, but on how much more you are capable of. If you ultimately fail me, I will accept it, and still love you. But I won't be able to love you while constantly bearing in mind the fact that you will fail me.
If you're my wife, I expect you to remain faithful to me. If you betray me, I will find it somewhere in my heart to forgive you – if I truly loved you. But I cannot imagine myself living day to day with the understanding that you will betray me one day because you are fallen. I cannot imagine loving you without expecting the highest standards of fidelity, and the expectation that you keep to it.
Likewise if you are a friend, I cannot imagining myself confiding in you my deepest and darkest insecurities without having nothing except the most absolute expectation that it is held in the strictest of confidence. I cannot imagine myself ever sharing anything with anyone if at the back of my mind I am already expecting that person to fail me. Semantics aside, I see no practical difference between such a behavior, and a complete lack of genuine trust in that person. If I trust you, I will believe in you. I.e., I will believe that you won't let me down. So much so that even if people tell me otherwise, I won't take their word for it, but seek to verify it for myself.
I'd hate to think that if one day rumor goes round that I've let someone down, that person shrugs it down as human nature, and doesn't have the faith in me to expect better.
Loving someone
I was getting really sick and tired of the expression “That's just how I am.” Why do people think that they can get away with such an excuse? Imagine standing before God on Judgment Day, and telling Him that!
I believe that when we claim to love someone, we put that other person first. There's no room for “that just how I am”, or “that's just how I relate to others”. Imagine if Jesus had taken such a stand, and decided to come down “just the way He is”!!!
If you insist on your point of view because it is an issue of right or wrong, I absolutely respect that. But if you can't be bothered to accommodate the other person's preference, and instead favor your own system of reaching out, then I guess you can stop pretending to love that person. If you refuse to accommodate someone's expectation (within reason, of course) because it doesn't sit down well with you, then you obviously are just in love with yourself.
Its probably something we're all guilty of, to differing degrees. I guess one of the biggest causes of church conflicts and splits is the result of choosing to see things from no other perspective except one's own. Its so easy to see that as a by-stander. How two deacons who fall out with each other over “a matter of principles” is often no different from two kids who wants to play with different games at the fair – nothing's wrong with either, yet they just want to insist on doing it their way. Yet when we ourselves are embroiled in the midst of such a conflict, we doggedly insist on our own way of doing things, and insist on being validated instead of being loving.
So there you go.
Your take?
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Quotable Quotes
"The worst thing about playing Chelsea is having to listen to Mourinho afterwards."
- Edmilson, Barcelona
- Edmilson, Barcelona
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Passion
Sorry I've been away for so long. A combination of factors such as a PC that has died at home, and the peak period at work has led to me being unable to do anything much on my blog. But a combination of one too many weddings lately and having read a friend's piece on the pursuit of one's dreams, I guess I wanted to put this down to remind myself in days to come when financial responsibilities might cloud my better judgment on how I should be viewing my life.
I guess it's a kiasu syndrome that we've perfected in Singapore, where we've rationalized out why building an economic surplus makes more sense than incurring an economic deficit, that such a philosophy is ingrained in us. People used to dismiss my notions of getting married without the fabled "financial stability" that seems to be everyone else's paramount consideration. Ask any dating couple when they intend to get married, and 9.5 out of ten times, they'll respond "not enough money". (Funny how everyone continues to insist that money is not the most important consideration in a relationship.)
I guess I've stopped voicing out my romantic ideals that as long as both parties can feed themselves, there's no reason why they cannot get married and live a lifestyle that supports them both. What is it abt marriage that is supposed to bankrupt you in a way that dating doesn't? Surely not having financial and career stability isn't the real problem?
Looking at a friend who is considering giving up her very promising career to go into full-time ministry, and how despite being miles away I can almost see her eyes light up when she mentions it, I suddenly realize what could be the reason why people decry her decision.
People who've never known bigger dreams often choose to anchor themselves in the security of their conventional wisdom. People who have never known the passion of a dream will never understand why someone can throw away what they themselves long for... be it a promising career or other material securities. They might be stirred when a dream they used to uphold is offered to them... but they are reluctant to step out of the security of their conventional prudence.
I look at the full-time workers that I know, and I see now how they can do what I cannot – give up material security in exchange for a higher calling. One's pragmatic wisdom needs to be abandoned in the face of an altruistic call to something more. And the key to that is passion.
If you have a passion for God, you'll be able to see beyond the material losses and embrace your ascetic life with delight. There'll be a joy that comes with every day that you live, even if its right in the face of a life of minimal comforts. It is what enabled the apostle Paul to praise God with a genuine joy in the prison cell, so much that it shook the very walls of the place. Without that passion, everyday you live will be a day of repression, where you are more aware of what you gave up than what you now have. And in time such a life would build resentment instead of fulfillment, and it is the reason why failures would get us down and cause us to doubt instead of continuing to rejoice and trust.
And if you shrink that argument down to a miniature scale, you'll get a clue into why couples are reluctant to marry and claim its because they don't have money... if they're living a very comfortable life yet continue to plead "not enough money yet" as the excuse for not getting married, perhaps its because they lack a genuine passion for each other.
Or even more sadly, they've never known the passion that a genuine love brings, that can cause one to abandon prudence and honestly mean it when they say they're willing to lay down their lives for each other.
For me, I've been saying this since ages ago – if I find the love of my life, I can't wait for my life with her to begin. I don't see the point of waiting until I have 5 zeroes in my bank account, plus a house and a car to go along.
And so to you, my friend who is miles way, I dedicate this song to you. Kudos for daring to dream, for having the passion to even think abt going down that line.
As for me, I pray that my passion for a life partner is not only matched, but even superseded by my passion for God.
I guess it's a kiasu syndrome that we've perfected in Singapore, where we've rationalized out why building an economic surplus makes more sense than incurring an economic deficit, that such a philosophy is ingrained in us. People used to dismiss my notions of getting married without the fabled "financial stability" that seems to be everyone else's paramount consideration. Ask any dating couple when they intend to get married, and 9.5 out of ten times, they'll respond "not enough money". (Funny how everyone continues to insist that money is not the most important consideration in a relationship.)
I guess I've stopped voicing out my romantic ideals that as long as both parties can feed themselves, there's no reason why they cannot get married and live a lifestyle that supports them both. What is it abt marriage that is supposed to bankrupt you in a way that dating doesn't? Surely not having financial and career stability isn't the real problem?
Looking at a friend who is considering giving up her very promising career to go into full-time ministry, and how despite being miles away I can almost see her eyes light up when she mentions it, I suddenly realize what could be the reason why people decry her decision.
People who've never known bigger dreams often choose to anchor themselves in the security of their conventional wisdom. People who have never known the passion of a dream will never understand why someone can throw away what they themselves long for... be it a promising career or other material securities. They might be stirred when a dream they used to uphold is offered to them... but they are reluctant to step out of the security of their conventional prudence.
I look at the full-time workers that I know, and I see now how they can do what I cannot – give up material security in exchange for a higher calling. One's pragmatic wisdom needs to be abandoned in the face of an altruistic call to something more. And the key to that is passion.
If you have a passion for God, you'll be able to see beyond the material losses and embrace your ascetic life with delight. There'll be a joy that comes with every day that you live, even if its right in the face of a life of minimal comforts. It is what enabled the apostle Paul to praise God with a genuine joy in the prison cell, so much that it shook the very walls of the place. Without that passion, everyday you live will be a day of repression, where you are more aware of what you gave up than what you now have. And in time such a life would build resentment instead of fulfillment, and it is the reason why failures would get us down and cause us to doubt instead of continuing to rejoice and trust.
And if you shrink that argument down to a miniature scale, you'll get a clue into why couples are reluctant to marry and claim its because they don't have money... if they're living a very comfortable life yet continue to plead "not enough money yet" as the excuse for not getting married, perhaps its because they lack a genuine passion for each other.
Or even more sadly, they've never known the passion that a genuine love brings, that can cause one to abandon prudence and honestly mean it when they say they're willing to lay down their lives for each other.
For me, I've been saying this since ages ago – if I find the love of my life, I can't wait for my life with her to begin. I don't see the point of waiting until I have 5 zeroes in my bank account, plus a house and a car to go along.
And so to you, my friend who is miles way, I dedicate this song to you. Kudos for daring to dream, for having the passion to even think abt going down that line.
As for me, I pray that my passion for a life partner is not only matched, but even superseded by my passion for God.
Friday, October 20, 2006
What Went Wrong?
I had lunch with an old friend who was leaving Reuters after 3 years here, and we started talking abt being unequally yoked.
He started to talk about how it wasn’t a good idea to be unequally yoked, and I pretty much knew all the reasons why. And its not like I disagreed with him… but I guess it made me think abt my take on the issue, and why its different from his.
Most people come from the angle of what’s right and what’s wrong about dating someone who isn’t Christian. And there’s nothing wrong in doing that. I agree that we should always measure ourselves against a benchmark of where to draw the lines, so to not rationalize away everything we do and end up being blameless in our own eyes. Sure – if you get attached to a non-christian, you need to know that when people say you are wrong, they have a point.
You’re not allowed to feel as though you’ve done nothing wrong.
And I think that’s where my friend was coming from.
On the other hand, I was a lot more concerned abt the scenario that led up to the Christian finding companionship outside of the church. Discounting the peripheral Christians who need to be worried abt a lot more than holding the hands of a non-Christian, I wonder abt the lay leaders in the church… people who display a greater maturity in church… and what could have driven them to find understanding outside of church.
And I’d be more concerned abt that instead.
If I hear that a prominent youth leader in my church had hooked up with a NC, I wouldn’t go on a run of recriminations, and embark on the process of ‘counselling’ that person, hoping that he’d repent of his ways. At least, it won’t be first thing I do.
Because I understand.
I understand how hard it is to find someone within the church. As a leader in the church, your r/s would be under the microscope amongst those you’re around… Wanting to retain your rights to privacy gets you branded as not being accountable. Make a mistake and you have the full force and effect of the church community’s judgment taking place behind your back.
There’s so much pressure on the couple to “do what’s right”, that there’s no room for them, to learn from their mistakes. The first mistake is fatal. And like all newbies who are fresh in this game of love, the mistakes they make are usually the most prominent and common ones (read: physical intimacy, exclusivity, imbalance of priorities…). And the price to pay for making the most common mistakes of all is the overwhelming response that is communicated as “concern”, but is experienced as judgment and maybe even condemnation.
Its funny how the church community never turns on itself, to ask where they themselves went wrong. As a body that is supposed to be keeping each other in check, and keeping each other accountable, how have we “loved each other as we love ourselves”? When a member of the body fails, when was the last time we looked at how we may have failed him or her? Instead of only seeing where he or she went wrong, mebbe its time to look in the mirror and ask God how we have been deficient in treating each other as part of ourselves.
I used to wonder why people who are non-Christians keep saying that we Christians like to judge people. I used to wonder abt the ‘misunderstanding’. Now I see that if we judge our own family so harshly, how much more we must be intolerant towards those outside the family.
I think of the verse that says “he who is forgiven little forgives little…”, and I find myself reminded that the next time I have an automatic reaction of judging how someone was right or wrong, I really need to remember the grace and mercy accorded to me, and make every effort to make the offending party feel more accepted and forgiven than condemned.
He started to talk about how it wasn’t a good idea to be unequally yoked, and I pretty much knew all the reasons why. And its not like I disagreed with him… but I guess it made me think abt my take on the issue, and why its different from his.
Most people come from the angle of what’s right and what’s wrong about dating someone who isn’t Christian. And there’s nothing wrong in doing that. I agree that we should always measure ourselves against a benchmark of where to draw the lines, so to not rationalize away everything we do and end up being blameless in our own eyes. Sure – if you get attached to a non-christian, you need to know that when people say you are wrong, they have a point.
You’re not allowed to feel as though you’ve done nothing wrong.
And I think that’s where my friend was coming from.
On the other hand, I was a lot more concerned abt the scenario that led up to the Christian finding companionship outside of the church. Discounting the peripheral Christians who need to be worried abt a lot more than holding the hands of a non-Christian, I wonder abt the lay leaders in the church… people who display a greater maturity in church… and what could have driven them to find understanding outside of church.
And I’d be more concerned abt that instead.
If I hear that a prominent youth leader in my church had hooked up with a NC, I wouldn’t go on a run of recriminations, and embark on the process of ‘counselling’ that person, hoping that he’d repent of his ways. At least, it won’t be first thing I do.
Because I understand.
I understand how hard it is to find someone within the church. As a leader in the church, your r/s would be under the microscope amongst those you’re around… Wanting to retain your rights to privacy gets you branded as not being accountable. Make a mistake and you have the full force and effect of the church community’s judgment taking place behind your back.
There’s so much pressure on the couple to “do what’s right”, that there’s no room for them, to learn from their mistakes. The first mistake is fatal. And like all newbies who are fresh in this game of love, the mistakes they make are usually the most prominent and common ones (read: physical intimacy, exclusivity, imbalance of priorities…). And the price to pay for making the most common mistakes of all is the overwhelming response that is communicated as “concern”, but is experienced as judgment and maybe even condemnation.
Its funny how the church community never turns on itself, to ask where they themselves went wrong. As a body that is supposed to be keeping each other in check, and keeping each other accountable, how have we “loved each other as we love ourselves”? When a member of the body fails, when was the last time we looked at how we may have failed him or her? Instead of only seeing where he or she went wrong, mebbe its time to look in the mirror and ask God how we have been deficient in treating each other as part of ourselves.
I used to wonder why people who are non-Christians keep saying that we Christians like to judge people. I used to wonder abt the ‘misunderstanding’. Now I see that if we judge our own family so harshly, how much more we must be intolerant towards those outside the family.
I think of the verse that says “he who is forgiven little forgives little…”, and I find myself reminded that the next time I have an automatic reaction of judging how someone was right or wrong, I really need to remember the grace and mercy accorded to me, and make every effort to make the offending party feel more accepted and forgiven than condemned.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
A Post Just ForYou
He’s certainly brought you down a long long journey to find that elusive love… And I was really so glad for you last night, when I heard abt what happened. Grins.
Things are gonna be pretty exciting from now on… Hahahaha… Don’t worry abt those busybodies who don’t understand what’s going on ya? I don’t need to tell you who will be those rooting for you no matter what happens. As for me… I’ve always loved blondies.
Wuahahahaha…
Am so excited for you!!!
Anyway, just thought that this is a monumentous enough occasion to warrant a post set aside just to celebrate and remember this day. =)
Things are gonna be pretty exciting from now on… Hahahaha… Don’t worry abt those busybodies who don’t understand what’s going on ya? I don’t need to tell you who will be those rooting for you no matter what happens. As for me… I’ve always loved blondies.
Wuahahahaha…
Am so excited for you!!!
Anyway, just thought that this is a monumentous enough occasion to warrant a post set aside just to celebrate and remember this day. =)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Regrets - I've Had A Few...
Not too long ago, someone repeated to me what I’ve heard and felt a hundred times before already – “You never know what you had until you lose it”.
I heard the song 雨天 by Sun Yanzi, and totally fell in love with it. Anyone who has experienced the chagrin of regret after recognizing what has really been lost, will be able to appreciate the sentiments of this song.
With the haze going around, and the skies looker bleaker as a result, I’ve naturally been drawn back towards the dark side, thinking back to the days past, to what I have wasted and what I have lost.
Ever regretted bitterly your decisions, only to be faced with the hard truth that you have no recourse except to shoulder the weight of your choice? Ever looked back and lamented the wasted opportunities, the things that you could have done had you but tried? Ever bemoaned the problems that would not have existed today had you paid attention to it back then?
If you do, then welcome to the club. But as a dearly loved friend of mine recently found out, grey skies DO part… some dreams have to die so that loftier ones can have the chance to grow.
So if you’re wallowing in the sentiments of this song, and again trapped inside your head with the demons that you made, take heart… The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is real…
In the meantime, don’t make the same mistakes anymore. Take a good look around you, and stop floundering in the quagmire of your folly… start re-looking at your life, and recognize what is important to you… then learn to cherish it. Whether it be loved ones, or be it where you are right now in your life… take a moment to stop thinking abt the things you want to change… and give thanks for the things right now that you hope will never change.
Yes, this doesn’t sound like the regular me. And no, I’m not dying of cancer.
Grins.
I’m just trying a different form of therapy today at work. Grins. Need to think positive thoughts to stay awake…
I heard the song 雨天 by Sun Yanzi, and totally fell in love with it. Anyone who has experienced the chagrin of regret after recognizing what has really been lost, will be able to appreciate the sentiments of this song.
With the haze going around, and the skies looker bleaker as a result, I’ve naturally been drawn back towards the dark side, thinking back to the days past, to what I have wasted and what I have lost.
Ever regretted bitterly your decisions, only to be faced with the hard truth that you have no recourse except to shoulder the weight of your choice? Ever looked back and lamented the wasted opportunities, the things that you could have done had you but tried? Ever bemoaned the problems that would not have existed today had you paid attention to it back then?
If you do, then welcome to the club. But as a dearly loved friend of mine recently found out, grey skies DO part… some dreams have to die so that loftier ones can have the chance to grow.
So if you’re wallowing in the sentiments of this song, and again trapped inside your head with the demons that you made, take heart… The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is real…
In the meantime, don’t make the same mistakes anymore. Take a good look around you, and stop floundering in the quagmire of your folly… start re-looking at your life, and recognize what is important to you… then learn to cherish it. Whether it be loved ones, or be it where you are right now in your life… take a moment to stop thinking abt the things you want to change… and give thanks for the things right now that you hope will never change.
Yes, this doesn’t sound like the regular me. And no, I’m not dying of cancer.
Grins.
I’m just trying a different form of therapy today at work. Grins. Need to think positive thoughts to stay awake…
Friday, September 22, 2006
Emptiness
The streets now feel hollow and empty without the policemen that have been infesting town, taking up valuable oxygen.
Beware, one and all. The streets in town are no longer safe.
Beware, one and all. The streets in town are no longer safe.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Desdichado
Had lunch with Weilun today, and we talked abt finding acceptance in church.
I think its sad that very often church is the one place where christians find it the hardest to find acceptance. Being held up to a higher standard is in its own right something that isn't wrong - but this "yoke of Christ" has unfortunately gone from easy to being incredibly impossible. I think it was Gordon MacDonald who once said "The church is the only army who shoots its wounded."
He would know.
Having been at the wrong end of an adultrous affair, I shudder to imagine the hurt he felt in return, for the hurt that he caused.
I guess it would be overly harsh to totally put the blame on the church. After all, if your'e guilty of adultery, you'd better be prepared to face the music. Its just that very often the church isn't able to differentiate between discipline and condemnation. More often than not, the discipline that the church administers alienates rather than restores. The one put on the rack is the one who feels like he's less welcome than someone who isn't a brother in Christ. Somewhere along the way, we have lost the ability to love the person who sinned... our acceptance of that person becomes conditional, our fellowship suddenly becomes very awkward, and we seem to suddenly feel justified to impose our standards on that person - adding to the weight he already carries.
I guess its kind of sad when I think abt how many pple leave church each yr after being 'disciplined'.... and how the guilty remain so self-righteously oblivious to it. I know I've been guilty of it before, so I'm in no position to stand on a pedestal and cast the first stone. But I daresay at least I've leant a little more abt how much mercy we all seem to lack, in light of the mercy we all receive from God.
I guess we all need to revisit the notion that he who is forgiven little forgives little... if God can make me feel so forgiven, why is it that when I think I'm being forgiving towards someone, he still continues to feel the weight of my judgment upon him? Why does my forgiveness continue to ring of something that's conditional? Why is it that everytime I think abt it, I always think of what's wrong with him instead of the good that he has in him? Why is it that he feels more bound by the Law in how I treat him, as opposed to having found forgiveness and freedom in Christ?
Mm... ah well.
I wonder how many who left church have done so because of my inability to love...
I think its sad that very often church is the one place where christians find it the hardest to find acceptance. Being held up to a higher standard is in its own right something that isn't wrong - but this "yoke of Christ" has unfortunately gone from easy to being incredibly impossible. I think it was Gordon MacDonald who once said "The church is the only army who shoots its wounded."
He would know.
Having been at the wrong end of an adultrous affair, I shudder to imagine the hurt he felt in return, for the hurt that he caused.
I guess it would be overly harsh to totally put the blame on the church. After all, if your'e guilty of adultery, you'd better be prepared to face the music. Its just that very often the church isn't able to differentiate between discipline and condemnation. More often than not, the discipline that the church administers alienates rather than restores. The one put on the rack is the one who feels like he's less welcome than someone who isn't a brother in Christ. Somewhere along the way, we have lost the ability to love the person who sinned... our acceptance of that person becomes conditional, our fellowship suddenly becomes very awkward, and we seem to suddenly feel justified to impose our standards on that person - adding to the weight he already carries.
I guess its kind of sad when I think abt how many pple leave church each yr after being 'disciplined'.... and how the guilty remain so self-righteously oblivious to it. I know I've been guilty of it before, so I'm in no position to stand on a pedestal and cast the first stone. But I daresay at least I've leant a little more abt how much mercy we all seem to lack, in light of the mercy we all receive from God.
I guess we all need to revisit the notion that he who is forgiven little forgives little... if God can make me feel so forgiven, why is it that when I think I'm being forgiving towards someone, he still continues to feel the weight of my judgment upon him? Why does my forgiveness continue to ring of something that's conditional? Why is it that everytime I think abt it, I always think of what's wrong with him instead of the good that he has in him? Why is it that he feels more bound by the Law in how I treat him, as opposed to having found forgiveness and freedom in Christ?
Mm... ah well.
I wonder how many who left church have done so because of my inability to love...
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Losing The Plot
Today I heard 飞越迷雾 being played on the radio. No, not the one written by Weilun, but the one by Emil Chau.
A quick calculation tells me that its about ten years now, since my life was changed so much by that camp we held in ACS. From the spiritual encounters I had there, to the kind of friendships and fellowship that were made there… Back then I got to see how God works when a community is able to be of one heart and in once voice, working together to serve one God… I started to think back to all the people who had worked together in that camp, people that I got to know throughout the six months’ of prep that led up to the event itself… Its hard to imagine just how much has changed since then…
10 yrs on, so many of us have gone our own separate ways. Some went their own ways to pursue their studies and chase after their dreams. Others sought a church that better suited them. Some left, burnt out by church and friends alike. Others just split fellowship due to differences in ideals, unable to accept the differences in each other. I remember thinking to myself that such a community held together by a common love and pursuit of God MUST be one that could last a lifetime. Of course, I’d imagine that there would be some who moved on as time went by, that some of the bonds would lose the intensity it had… but never would I have imagined that in a span of less than 10 yrs, the sort of fellowship and bond that we had enjoyed back then should have come to such a state.
I can’t help but note that the fellowship was not merely diluted over time as other ministries pulled each other away… nor was it simply a case of people naturally moving on in life. So many of the fellowships were forcefully broken, and the friendships either irrevocably broken or else have been reduced and diminished to a kind of wariness and distance between each other that totally cheapened the kind of bond they used to have.
It made me wonder…. Even if every one of us had been guilty of adultery, murder or blasphemy, would it have warranted the kind of state our fellowship with each other has degenerated into? Because whatever the reason might have been for the estrangement or alienation, the big picture of how little acceptance we ultimately have for each other is more than just a little frightening. I think of the kind of fervor we had back then in serving God together… how we’d be watching each other’s backs and carrying each others’ loads…. And I look at how we now subtly hint at each other not doing enough while stabbing them in the back… and I see for myself that as much as fellowship can be such a beautiful thing, a broken fellowship can be so much uglier.
Its such an ugly thing that you’d have thought all of us supposedly mature Christians would have been aware of how blatantly wrong it is… but no… we all somehow manage to justify our broken community using scripture… giving reason for why we choose to alienate ourselves from each other. We argue over a life that fails to meet the standards we set down for each other (in the name of Christ, of course), as if anyone could ever meet them to begin with. We fight over church and ministry strategies and break bonds of partnership we had with each other, as if those strategies bear consequences that are greater than stumbling the brother or sister we so callously discarded.
It always starts out so small… a discontentment with someone that we chose to paper over… the cracks underneath continue to grow, and in time a chasm has sprung up in the friendship. At that point it time, it take so little… anything, in fact… to tear away the paper and expose the gulf that now divides the two brothers and sisters. We then start to blame each other for the distance that has been allowed to grow and fester.
你迷了路觉得人心不古
山高水低看不见来时路
你迷了路爱恨悠悠忽忽
峰回路转逾走不出白云深处
In a different context, I suddenly see what an apt song we chose to be our theme song. Our church seems to have been engulfed in the mist… and we all seem to have lost our way. What’s the point of a booming and successful ministry if I look back and all I can see is a trail of destruction and ruin? At what price would I have then built my success on? Aren’t we all one family?
飞越迷雾把生命看清楚
明明白白掌握你的路
经过跋涉之后你总能够
拨云见日重回到最初
This song was played on the radio as I was on the company bus that ferries us from the MRT to the building… and as these thoughts and memories came to my mind, I was surprised to find myself tearing. I mourned the fact that I am unable to celebrate the euphoria and the experience of that camp, in light of how it proved to be such a transient accomplishment. The scars of broken relationships and shattered fellowship is a legacy that continues to this day, and I guess no one can say he or she hasn’t been guilty of it as well. And I guess until we can fly out of this red mist, all the talk of building a ministry and building a community will always be met by me with a tinge of regret and cynicism… after all, if something that great can be all but swept away to naught in the space of less than a decade, what chance do we now have? Until we somehow rebuild the ruins, what’s the point of trying to build new things from amongst the debris?
I guess part of me really wishes for what the song says… that in light of so much that has gone wrong, we may one day be able to “经过跋涉之后你总能够拨云见日重回到最初”.
A quick calculation tells me that its about ten years now, since my life was changed so much by that camp we held in ACS. From the spiritual encounters I had there, to the kind of friendships and fellowship that were made there… Back then I got to see how God works when a community is able to be of one heart and in once voice, working together to serve one God… I started to think back to all the people who had worked together in that camp, people that I got to know throughout the six months’ of prep that led up to the event itself… Its hard to imagine just how much has changed since then…
10 yrs on, so many of us have gone our own separate ways. Some went their own ways to pursue their studies and chase after their dreams. Others sought a church that better suited them. Some left, burnt out by church and friends alike. Others just split fellowship due to differences in ideals, unable to accept the differences in each other. I remember thinking to myself that such a community held together by a common love and pursuit of God MUST be one that could last a lifetime. Of course, I’d imagine that there would be some who moved on as time went by, that some of the bonds would lose the intensity it had… but never would I have imagined that in a span of less than 10 yrs, the sort of fellowship and bond that we had enjoyed back then should have come to such a state.
I can’t help but note that the fellowship was not merely diluted over time as other ministries pulled each other away… nor was it simply a case of people naturally moving on in life. So many of the fellowships were forcefully broken, and the friendships either irrevocably broken or else have been reduced and diminished to a kind of wariness and distance between each other that totally cheapened the kind of bond they used to have.
It made me wonder…. Even if every one of us had been guilty of adultery, murder or blasphemy, would it have warranted the kind of state our fellowship with each other has degenerated into? Because whatever the reason might have been for the estrangement or alienation, the big picture of how little acceptance we ultimately have for each other is more than just a little frightening. I think of the kind of fervor we had back then in serving God together… how we’d be watching each other’s backs and carrying each others’ loads…. And I look at how we now subtly hint at each other not doing enough while stabbing them in the back… and I see for myself that as much as fellowship can be such a beautiful thing, a broken fellowship can be so much uglier.
Its such an ugly thing that you’d have thought all of us supposedly mature Christians would have been aware of how blatantly wrong it is… but no… we all somehow manage to justify our broken community using scripture… giving reason for why we choose to alienate ourselves from each other. We argue over a life that fails to meet the standards we set down for each other (in the name of Christ, of course), as if anyone could ever meet them to begin with. We fight over church and ministry strategies and break bonds of partnership we had with each other, as if those strategies bear consequences that are greater than stumbling the brother or sister we so callously discarded.
It always starts out so small… a discontentment with someone that we chose to paper over… the cracks underneath continue to grow, and in time a chasm has sprung up in the friendship. At that point it time, it take so little… anything, in fact… to tear away the paper and expose the gulf that now divides the two brothers and sisters. We then start to blame each other for the distance that has been allowed to grow and fester.
你迷了路觉得人心不古
山高水低看不见来时路
你迷了路爱恨悠悠忽忽
峰回路转逾走不出白云深处
In a different context, I suddenly see what an apt song we chose to be our theme song. Our church seems to have been engulfed in the mist… and we all seem to have lost our way. What’s the point of a booming and successful ministry if I look back and all I can see is a trail of destruction and ruin? At what price would I have then built my success on? Aren’t we all one family?
飞越迷雾把生命看清楚
明明白白掌握你的路
经过跋涉之后你总能够
拨云见日重回到最初
This song was played on the radio as I was on the company bus that ferries us from the MRT to the building… and as these thoughts and memories came to my mind, I was surprised to find myself tearing. I mourned the fact that I am unable to celebrate the euphoria and the experience of that camp, in light of how it proved to be such a transient accomplishment. The scars of broken relationships and shattered fellowship is a legacy that continues to this day, and I guess no one can say he or she hasn’t been guilty of it as well. And I guess until we can fly out of this red mist, all the talk of building a ministry and building a community will always be met by me with a tinge of regret and cynicism… after all, if something that great can be all but swept away to naught in the space of less than a decade, what chance do we now have? Until we somehow rebuild the ruins, what’s the point of trying to build new things from amongst the debris?
I guess part of me really wishes for what the song says… that in light of so much that has gone wrong, we may one day be able to “经过跋涉之后你总能够拨云见日重回到最初”.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Goodbye Agassi...
Agassi lost.
The fans did all they could to will Agassi to one more win, rising with arms aloft to celebrate when he'd break serve or fight off a break point. They applauded after Benjamin Becker's faults, a tennis faux pas. They broke into clap-clap-clap choruses of "Let's go, Andre!" at changeovers.
"It felt amazing. Nothing I've ever experienced before. I was overwhelmed with how they embraced me at the end," Agassi said. "They saw me through my career. They've seen me through this, as well."
But Agassi couldn't conjure up any more magic in his 21st consecutive Open, an event he won in 1994 and 1999. His back -- and Becker -- wouldn't let him. Over and over, Agassi would pull up short, watching a ball fly by instead of chasing it. He winced after serves, clutched his lower back after stretching to reach for shots.
"I wanted to run on the court and pull him off," said Agassi's trainer, Gil Reyes, "because it shouldn't hurt -- it shouldn't hurt that bad."
"The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard doesn't say is what it is I've found," Agassi told the crowd, tears streaming down his cheeks, his voice cracking with emotion. "Over the last 21 years, I've found loyalty. You have pulled for me on the court and also in life. I have found inspiration. You have willed me to succeed sometimes even in my lowest moments."
He could have been referring to his losses in his first three major finals, two at the French Open and one at the U.S. Open, setbacks that made him wonder if he'd ever reach the very top. Or, more likely, when, having won Wimbledon and reached No. 1, he sank to 141st in the rankings and resorted to playing in tennis' minor leagues in 1997. Or, most recently, when his back hurt so badly after the first two rounds of this U.S. Open, the tournament he announced this summer would be his last.
That's why, for Agassi himself and the 20,000 or so fans who honored him with a raucous, four-minute standing ovation in Arthur Ashe Stadium after the match, it truly did not matter all that much what Sunday's outcome was. This day and this tournament were all about saying goodbye to an eight-time Grand Slam champion who grew up in front of the world, from cocky kid with the shoulder-length hair and denim shorts to the thoughtful guy with the shaved pate and proper tennis whites.
He leaves the game as an elder statesman, not merely because he was the oldest man in the field, and not merely because of his wins on the court, but also because of his demeanor and extensive charity work off it. Through all the in-the-public-eye parts of his personal life (Barbra Streisand; Brooke Shields; Graf) and ups and downs of his professional life, he's been one of tennis' most dynamic and popular players.
He leaves with 60 singles titles, including a career Grand Slam, one of only five men to have won each of the sport's premier events -- something his great rival, Pete Sampras, never did, Roger Federer hasn't managed, and players such as John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors didn't accomplish, either.
He gets praise, too, from his peers as an off-the-court role model. Federer, for one, talks about hurrying to start his own charitable foundation after learning about Agassi's efforts to raise tens of millions of dollars for at-risk youths in his hometown of Las Vegas.
In return, tennis has given Agassi much, too: money, fame, influence.
With fans surrounding his car -- several yelling, "Thank you, Andre!" -- he climbed into the back, joining his brother, trainer and coach. As they pulled away, Agassi turned to wave goodbye, to his tournament, to his fans, to his career.
The fans did all they could to will Agassi to one more win, rising with arms aloft to celebrate when he'd break serve or fight off a break point. They applauded after Benjamin Becker's faults, a tennis faux pas. They broke into clap-clap-clap choruses of "Let's go, Andre!" at changeovers.
"It felt amazing. Nothing I've ever experienced before. I was overwhelmed with how they embraced me at the end," Agassi said. "They saw me through my career. They've seen me through this, as well."
But Agassi couldn't conjure up any more magic in his 21st consecutive Open, an event he won in 1994 and 1999. His back -- and Becker -- wouldn't let him. Over and over, Agassi would pull up short, watching a ball fly by instead of chasing it. He winced after serves, clutched his lower back after stretching to reach for shots.
"I wanted to run on the court and pull him off," said Agassi's trainer, Gil Reyes, "because it shouldn't hurt -- it shouldn't hurt that bad."
"The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard doesn't say is what it is I've found," Agassi told the crowd, tears streaming down his cheeks, his voice cracking with emotion. "Over the last 21 years, I've found loyalty. You have pulled for me on the court and also in life. I have found inspiration. You have willed me to succeed sometimes even in my lowest moments."
He could have been referring to his losses in his first three major finals, two at the French Open and one at the U.S. Open, setbacks that made him wonder if he'd ever reach the very top. Or, more likely, when, having won Wimbledon and reached No. 1, he sank to 141st in the rankings and resorted to playing in tennis' minor leagues in 1997. Or, most recently, when his back hurt so badly after the first two rounds of this U.S. Open, the tournament he announced this summer would be his last.
That's why, for Agassi himself and the 20,000 or so fans who honored him with a raucous, four-minute standing ovation in Arthur Ashe Stadium after the match, it truly did not matter all that much what Sunday's outcome was. This day and this tournament were all about saying goodbye to an eight-time Grand Slam champion who grew up in front of the world, from cocky kid with the shoulder-length hair and denim shorts to the thoughtful guy with the shaved pate and proper tennis whites.
He leaves the game as an elder statesman, not merely because he was the oldest man in the field, and not merely because of his wins on the court, but also because of his demeanor and extensive charity work off it. Through all the in-the-public-eye parts of his personal life (Barbra Streisand; Brooke Shields; Graf) and ups and downs of his professional life, he's been one of tennis' most dynamic and popular players.
He leaves with 60 singles titles, including a career Grand Slam, one of only five men to have won each of the sport's premier events -- something his great rival, Pete Sampras, never did, Roger Federer hasn't managed, and players such as John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors didn't accomplish, either.
He gets praise, too, from his peers as an off-the-court role model. Federer, for one, talks about hurrying to start his own charitable foundation after learning about Agassi's efforts to raise tens of millions of dollars for at-risk youths in his hometown of Las Vegas.
In return, tennis has given Agassi much, too: money, fame, influence.
With fans surrounding his car -- several yelling, "Thank you, Andre!" -- he climbed into the back, joining his brother, trainer and coach. As they pulled away, Agassi turned to wave goodbye, to his tournament, to his fans, to his career.
Please Do Not Format Me
I’ve been thinking abt the way everyone sees human relationships… and how very often we all try to find a comfort zone to operate under. I was speaking to a friend recently, and I told him that he needs to learn to move out of his paradigm where he has a template in his mind of the way things ought to be in the way pple relate to each other… and he should stop being uncomfortable when he sees someone whose behaviour violates the template that he cherishes.
For example… many of us are so quick to take issues with a Christian whom they perceive to be unequally yoked. Reactions vary from a word of caution to outright chastisement. Even worse are those who says “Don’t worry, I’m still your friend and I’ll be here for you”, yet spend more time than not reminding his friend that he is wrong and living in sin.
Some will know I’m referring to, when I said that I know someone whom many perceived to be in an unequally yoked relationship. Many were the church leaders who would say to him that “What you’re doing is wrong. You’ve got to stop. But I want you to know that no matter what you do, I’ll still be here for you.” After saying that to ease their own conscience, they proceed to carry on making him feel like the most lonely guy in the world, since they would always qualify their support for him with the repeated reminder that they think he was wrong. They would consider removing him from positions of leadership, behave condescendingly towards him, yet all the while maintaining the form of showing support, sans the substance of it.
And I really didn’t get it. As much as you can’t qualify an apology without making it lose its sincerity, neither can you claim to be there for a person when you’re more interested in getting the point across that he’s doing something wrong.
I could name so many cases of people who have been badly burnt by, ironically, the church. Its funny that of all places, the church is the least willing to accept a fellow sinner… instead, each and every one of us is so eager to force each other into the template of “how things ought to be”… and are unable to see that we are actually more interested in eradicating that which makes us uncomfortable, since it jeopardizes our paradigm of what’s right and wrong.
So instead of being more interested in the person, we end up being more fixated by the law…
I wonder at those who in the aftermath of what happens, can sit down to analyze why there are some who leave church after receiving what is perceived to be Godly advice. They then self-righteously conclude that the person must have been really rebellious against God, and that they’ve done all they could to play the role of good and Godly counsel. (Think Job.)
In the meantime they forgot that if their act causes someone to stumble, then they have in effect tied a stone around their own necks, and thrown themselves into the sea.
People – this is a church. It is made up of people, not laws. Even Jesus Himself did not cast a single stone at the adulterous woman, so who are we to go around casting the first stones at each other?
In short – the principle to remember, everyone: Always always always always always…. Be quick to build up, and be slow to tear down. And I don’t mean by mere words, because talk is very very cheap. As difficult (as we who have engaged in discipleship before will all know) as it is to build up a life, the harder it is to learn to really be there for someone, where you actions mirror your words. So if you’re going to claim to be around for someone, then you need to review your actions to see if you’ve really done that, or merely self-righteously satisfied yourself that you’ve done what’s right.
And worse still…. If you wanna tear down someone and tell him what he’s doing is wrong, make sure the way you tell him that is not wrong yourself… lest you yourself be doubly judged.
And yes, this applies above all to myself. The next time I tell any of you that I have ‘concerns’ abt your behaviour, pls remind me of this post.
Pls do.
For example… many of us are so quick to take issues with a Christian whom they perceive to be unequally yoked. Reactions vary from a word of caution to outright chastisement. Even worse are those who says “Don’t worry, I’m still your friend and I’ll be here for you”, yet spend more time than not reminding his friend that he is wrong and living in sin.
Some will know I’m referring to, when I said that I know someone whom many perceived to be in an unequally yoked relationship. Many were the church leaders who would say to him that “What you’re doing is wrong. You’ve got to stop. But I want you to know that no matter what you do, I’ll still be here for you.” After saying that to ease their own conscience, they proceed to carry on making him feel like the most lonely guy in the world, since they would always qualify their support for him with the repeated reminder that they think he was wrong. They would consider removing him from positions of leadership, behave condescendingly towards him, yet all the while maintaining the form of showing support, sans the substance of it.
And I really didn’t get it. As much as you can’t qualify an apology without making it lose its sincerity, neither can you claim to be there for a person when you’re more interested in getting the point across that he’s doing something wrong.
I could name so many cases of people who have been badly burnt by, ironically, the church. Its funny that of all places, the church is the least willing to accept a fellow sinner… instead, each and every one of us is so eager to force each other into the template of “how things ought to be”… and are unable to see that we are actually more interested in eradicating that which makes us uncomfortable, since it jeopardizes our paradigm of what’s right and wrong.
So instead of being more interested in the person, we end up being more fixated by the law…
I wonder at those who in the aftermath of what happens, can sit down to analyze why there are some who leave church after receiving what is perceived to be Godly advice. They then self-righteously conclude that the person must have been really rebellious against God, and that they’ve done all they could to play the role of good and Godly counsel. (Think Job.)
In the meantime they forgot that if their act causes someone to stumble, then they have in effect tied a stone around their own necks, and thrown themselves into the sea.
People – this is a church. It is made up of people, not laws. Even Jesus Himself did not cast a single stone at the adulterous woman, so who are we to go around casting the first stones at each other?
In short – the principle to remember, everyone: Always always always always always…. Be quick to build up, and be slow to tear down. And I don’t mean by mere words, because talk is very very cheap. As difficult (as we who have engaged in discipleship before will all know) as it is to build up a life, the harder it is to learn to really be there for someone, where you actions mirror your words. So if you’re going to claim to be around for someone, then you need to review your actions to see if you’ve really done that, or merely self-righteously satisfied yourself that you’ve done what’s right.
And worse still…. If you wanna tear down someone and tell him what he’s doing is wrong, make sure the way you tell him that is not wrong yourself… lest you yourself be doubly judged.
And yes, this applies above all to myself. The next time I tell any of you that I have ‘concerns’ abt your behaviour, pls remind me of this post.
Pls do.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
An Old Era, A New Resolution
An era in my life has come to an end…
It is with great sense of loss and anguish that I stand before you today, and declare that it is official – Music Diary on 933 is coming to an end. No more soppy stories of pple’s lives, paired with cheesy selections of songs that were meant to accompany/compliment/contrast the moods of the letters that are read out.
It represents the single greatest loss to my office daily highlights, as I shall now have to resort other means to carve out something to look forward to, day after day in the office.
Hehz…
But seriously, Music Diary represented a chapter of my life for the whole of 2 yrs, where it became a means for me to live a vicarious existence. And even tho I admit that the timing of its demise is pretty timely, it is still with great sadness and nostalgia, that I bid it goodbye.
On other fronts, I think some pple have been expressing concern at my doom and gloom posts…
Sigh.
Thanks pple.
I’m really fine. This is a whine-and-bitch-and-moan blog. You won’t find a lot of thanks-giving taking place inside here. So don’t just read this and conclude that I’m having a really rough time… I probably am, which explains the amt of bitching I do here… but there’s more to my life ya? I do have highlights… such as the fact that Man Utd is now top of the table after a perfect start to the new season.
God really IS a Man Utd fan after all!!!!
Grins.
My new resolution for the rest of this year is very simple. Whatever I expect of others, I shd expect of myself.
So… I shall try my darnest best to stop pointing out problems I see… unless I’m willing to pay a price and attempt to resolve it.
Most of recent griping posts abt church have been because I realize church is really quite bitchy place… Everyone has a comment abt someone else, and how he/she shd be living, and what changes need to be made to their lives to be right before God… when more often than not their concern is that they be right before themselves.
If you want to point out what’s wrong in someone’s life, people… you only get to do so if you’re willing to pay a personal price to help change things. Otherwise, just shut your trap and stop being so concerned. Your concern doesn’t help to change anything, much less help anyone.
And pls pls pls pls pls pls pls dun get me wrong. I dun refer specifically to anyone or any incident in church. I’ve been hearing quite a lot abt finger-pointing in churches lately, abt pple who are really good at expressing their concern towards other pple… they do so from their own comfort zone, unwilling to lift a finger to take responsibility. “Praying for you” is abt all they are willing to do. I guess if a;ll you can do is pray for the person, then God is really doing all the work. Then HE gets to raise HIS concerns… and you get to shut up.
Grins.
SO… that’ll be my new project till X’mas. To learn to give thanks for the things I see around me, and to learn to “carry each other’s burdens” instead of being too eager to decide for others how they need to be corrected in Christ.
It is with great sense of loss and anguish that I stand before you today, and declare that it is official – Music Diary on 933 is coming to an end. No more soppy stories of pple’s lives, paired with cheesy selections of songs that were meant to accompany/compliment/contrast the moods of the letters that are read out.
It represents the single greatest loss to my office daily highlights, as I shall now have to resort other means to carve out something to look forward to, day after day in the office.
Hehz…
But seriously, Music Diary represented a chapter of my life for the whole of 2 yrs, where it became a means for me to live a vicarious existence. And even tho I admit that the timing of its demise is pretty timely, it is still with great sadness and nostalgia, that I bid it goodbye.
On other fronts, I think some pple have been expressing concern at my doom and gloom posts…
Sigh.
Thanks pple.
I’m really fine. This is a whine-and-bitch-and-moan blog. You won’t find a lot of thanks-giving taking place inside here. So don’t just read this and conclude that I’m having a really rough time… I probably am, which explains the amt of bitching I do here… but there’s more to my life ya? I do have highlights… such as the fact that Man Utd is now top of the table after a perfect start to the new season.
God really IS a Man Utd fan after all!!!!
Grins.
My new resolution for the rest of this year is very simple. Whatever I expect of others, I shd expect of myself.
So… I shall try my darnest best to stop pointing out problems I see… unless I’m willing to pay a price and attempt to resolve it.
Most of recent griping posts abt church have been because I realize church is really quite bitchy place… Everyone has a comment abt someone else, and how he/she shd be living, and what changes need to be made to their lives to be right before God… when more often than not their concern is that they be right before themselves.
If you want to point out what’s wrong in someone’s life, people… you only get to do so if you’re willing to pay a personal price to help change things. Otherwise, just shut your trap and stop being so concerned. Your concern doesn’t help to change anything, much less help anyone.
And pls pls pls pls pls pls pls dun get me wrong. I dun refer specifically to anyone or any incident in church. I’ve been hearing quite a lot abt finger-pointing in churches lately, abt pple who are really good at expressing their concern towards other pple… they do so from their own comfort zone, unwilling to lift a finger to take responsibility. “Praying for you” is abt all they are willing to do. I guess if a;ll you can do is pray for the person, then God is really doing all the work. Then HE gets to raise HIS concerns… and you get to shut up.
Grins.
SO… that’ll be my new project till X’mas. To learn to give thanks for the things I see around me, and to learn to “carry each other’s burdens” instead of being too eager to decide for others how they need to be corrected in Christ.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
A Silence Breaks...
Wow...
I think I'm finally learning to keep my word...
My blog is finally becoming a place where I drop in once in a blue moon...
What's amazing is that I still can average 12-15 hits a day despite its prolonged period of hibernation...
Hahaha.... Thank you one and all, my faithful readers...
Work has been incredibly busy, since its the financial peak period... Coupled with the many things I've since taken up (Gab & Zhiming, CF, Wedding preps...) that piles on top of my current commitments (church, work, studies, Levite Ministry, cell grp...), I think I'm just about ready for Christ to come back soon. Real soon. Cos its either that, or I go to Him.
Soon.
Real soon.
Grins.
Of course, to the many whom I promised to meet up yet always end up apologizing to for my lack of time, thank you one and all for your understanding... (Gosh, something's the matter with me. I sound like I'm making a speech...) I think I'm a p[erson who is always just a little slow to adapt and adjust. So I'm gonna need some time to sort out my time, before some semblance of order returns back into my life, and I can better arrange my time.
In the meantime, I still try my best to change the songs on my blog for you all to enjoy... Short bits or bytes of my life that takes 30-seconds to post will still make their due appearnce... but there'll pretty much be a lot less of that long drivel I used to always post. I suspect many of you will be secretly pleased.
Gotta go.
Tonight I'm rushing off after work to take Hansheng for CF studies, then visit Simon who's recovering from dengue.
All this while, I carry an incredibly stiff lower back that's causing me to grimace in pain everytime I stand up or sit down. Really tempted to go see a doc and get MC... but too much work to be done in the office already. Don't wanna kill my colleagues.
Hehz...
Take care, guys.
I'll be back!
Promise!!!
I think I'm finally learning to keep my word...
My blog is finally becoming a place where I drop in once in a blue moon...
What's amazing is that I still can average 12-15 hits a day despite its prolonged period of hibernation...
Hahaha.... Thank you one and all, my faithful readers...
Work has been incredibly busy, since its the financial peak period... Coupled with the many things I've since taken up (Gab & Zhiming, CF, Wedding preps...) that piles on top of my current commitments (church, work, studies, Levite Ministry, cell grp...), I think I'm just about ready for Christ to come back soon. Real soon. Cos its either that, or I go to Him.
Soon.
Real soon.
Grins.
Of course, to the many whom I promised to meet up yet always end up apologizing to for my lack of time, thank you one and all for your understanding... (Gosh, something's the matter with me. I sound like I'm making a speech...) I think I'm a p[erson who is always just a little slow to adapt and adjust. So I'm gonna need some time to sort out my time, before some semblance of order returns back into my life, and I can better arrange my time.
In the meantime, I still try my best to change the songs on my blog for you all to enjoy... Short bits or bytes of my life that takes 30-seconds to post will still make their due appearnce... but there'll pretty much be a lot less of that long drivel I used to always post. I suspect many of you will be secretly pleased.
Gotta go.
Tonight I'm rushing off after work to take Hansheng for CF studies, then visit Simon who's recovering from dengue.
All this while, I carry an incredibly stiff lower back that's causing me to grimace in pain everytime I stand up or sit down. Really tempted to go see a doc and get MC... but too much work to be done in the office already. Don't wanna kill my colleagues.
Hehz...
Take care, guys.
I'll be back!
Promise!!!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Feeling Neglected?
"The next time you feel like no one bothers about you, just delay your credit card bills payment by a couple of months."
- Prof Ikiddyounotosan, Class 95 Morning Express
- Prof Ikiddyounotosan, Class 95 Morning Express
Friday, August 11, 2006
Brokenness
Yes, I confess I have all of a sudden disappeared. And yes, it was partly deliberate. I needed some space and time to myself, and what with all the travelling I had to do in the last month, it seemed like the perfect excuse to take time out for myself, to finally take on some long-standing issues that I've left untouched for way too long. My absence was also enforced by work, and the fatigue that it inevitably brings on.
So... here I am, back again... I doubt I will be posting with the same degreee of ferocity as before... and I will prety much be reverting back to the true nature of the blog, to the state that it was always intended to be.
Lots of things around me seem to be falling apart. And it seems that when things don't work out well, people get angry. They get frustrated. So they start looking for fault, for something or someone to blame. And when they realise they can't really blame anyone or anything other than themselves, they start to pick at the fault of others, so as to get past themselves.
I've been at the receiving end of some of that myself lately. And I find myself curiously angry... not at the person who did me wrong... but at the state of affairs that led to this.
I guess I'm disappointed.
For some time now, I've been very pro-mercy instead of pro-justice. I mentioned something like this for some time already. For example... when someone in church has been guilty of something big... and everyone has something to say abt what's happening... the worse you can hear would be the plain bitching abt how that person always had it coming and so totally deserved all that was meted out to him. The less-vicious ones would discuss how he has sinned... using both the bible as well as their human 'wisdom' to analyze and dissect "where he went wrong". And I guess these two categories would make up abt 95% of all the reactions from church. I guess if I had my way with things, there would still have been those who would point out the right from the wrong... but there would have been a lot more people who woulod be concerned with "I wonder how he must be feeling now. Someone should be caring for him."
I mean, God said "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." Too often we are so eager to point out right and wrong that we forget to show mercy...
Galatians 6:1-2 says "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Taken in context, it means that none of us are in a position to restore a brother caught in sin, till we've walked alongside him and carried his burden.
I used to be a Saul to those who have stumbled on the path before... quick to rebuke and be righteously concerned at an apparent wrong that someone is doing... and I've also been on the receiving end of such treatment when I myself have been caught in a position of vulnerability. And one lesson I've learnt through it all is that God desires mercy... "He who forgives little wil be forgiven little."
If justice is truly His, why are we so eager to enforce justice and demand that one's sins be met with rebuke and corporal punishment? Where's the mercy?
Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying we therefore condone the wrongs we see around us. But our call is not to address and seek out wrong... our call is to carry each other's burdens. Too often the church has excelled in witch-hunting, and chosen to be uncomfortable with seeing the sins of others... too eager to cast the first stone, not realising that they themselves have much to be similarly stoned for when measured under the same standards.
No wonder therefore that everyone in church ends up drawing away from each other. We're afraid of the witch-hunt... be too transparent and at the first sign of weakness you'll find stones hurtling towards you instead of merciful words of love... how will we ever dare to open up to others, when we ourselves have been equally guilty of the mob mentality? We're afraid of showing our true selves, out of fear that we'll receive the treatment we're so adept at dishing out.
And so I'm angry. Angry at myself, angry at the way things are. Its such a simple solution... yet we all seem to fall short of being able to do it. So much easier to be in a position of authority, and bring out the adulterous woman... So much easier on our delicate conscience as Christians, that we see sin and we stamp it out... not realising we're also stamping in the sinner in the process.
So Christians go around throwing out the baby with the bath water, and wonder why nobody in the world believes in their message of a God who came to show love and compassion to those who have sinned.
I guess one lesson I've learnt in my month away from everyone, is that love does not condemn. It always perseveres, and always hopes. Love carries the burdens of the one who sins, and does not pile on the load of guilt to the one who is already heavy-laden. I used to be very good at pointing out the faults of this and that person, and phrase it in such a manner that it falls just nicely on the side of righteous concern instead of self-righteous indulgence.... The new lesson I'm learning now is to show mercy, and carry that person's burdens.
Unless I can bother to do that, I myself am guilty of not fulfilling the law of Christ... what right do I then have, to ignore the plank in my own eye and pick at the speck in the other person's eye?
I guess that's why ultimately I realise that as angry as I might be at whomever has done me wrong, I have no right to be angry at him until I have stood alongside him and carried his burdens.
And maybe that's what Christ meant by turning the other cheek.
So... here I am, back again... I doubt I will be posting with the same degreee of ferocity as before... and I will prety much be reverting back to the true nature of the blog, to the state that it was always intended to be.
Lots of things around me seem to be falling apart. And it seems that when things don't work out well, people get angry. They get frustrated. So they start looking for fault, for something or someone to blame. And when they realise they can't really blame anyone or anything other than themselves, they start to pick at the fault of others, so as to get past themselves.
I've been at the receiving end of some of that myself lately. And I find myself curiously angry... not at the person who did me wrong... but at the state of affairs that led to this.
I guess I'm disappointed.
For some time now, I've been very pro-mercy instead of pro-justice. I mentioned something like this for some time already. For example... when someone in church has been guilty of something big... and everyone has something to say abt what's happening... the worse you can hear would be the plain bitching abt how that person always had it coming and so totally deserved all that was meted out to him. The less-vicious ones would discuss how he has sinned... using both the bible as well as their human 'wisdom' to analyze and dissect "where he went wrong". And I guess these two categories would make up abt 95% of all the reactions from church. I guess if I had my way with things, there would still have been those who would point out the right from the wrong... but there would have been a lot more people who woulod be concerned with "I wonder how he must be feeling now. Someone should be caring for him."
I mean, God said "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." Too often we are so eager to point out right and wrong that we forget to show mercy...
Galatians 6:1-2 says "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Taken in context, it means that none of us are in a position to restore a brother caught in sin, till we've walked alongside him and carried his burden.
I used to be a Saul to those who have stumbled on the path before... quick to rebuke and be righteously concerned at an apparent wrong that someone is doing... and I've also been on the receiving end of such treatment when I myself have been caught in a position of vulnerability. And one lesson I've learnt through it all is that God desires mercy... "He who forgives little wil be forgiven little."
If justice is truly His, why are we so eager to enforce justice and demand that one's sins be met with rebuke and corporal punishment? Where's the mercy?
Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying we therefore condone the wrongs we see around us. But our call is not to address and seek out wrong... our call is to carry each other's burdens. Too often the church has excelled in witch-hunting, and chosen to be uncomfortable with seeing the sins of others... too eager to cast the first stone, not realising that they themselves have much to be similarly stoned for when measured under the same standards.
No wonder therefore that everyone in church ends up drawing away from each other. We're afraid of the witch-hunt... be too transparent and at the first sign of weakness you'll find stones hurtling towards you instead of merciful words of love... how will we ever dare to open up to others, when we ourselves have been equally guilty of the mob mentality? We're afraid of showing our true selves, out of fear that we'll receive the treatment we're so adept at dishing out.
And so I'm angry. Angry at myself, angry at the way things are. Its such a simple solution... yet we all seem to fall short of being able to do it. So much easier to be in a position of authority, and bring out the adulterous woman... So much easier on our delicate conscience as Christians, that we see sin and we stamp it out... not realising we're also stamping in the sinner in the process.
So Christians go around throwing out the baby with the bath water, and wonder why nobody in the world believes in their message of a God who came to show love and compassion to those who have sinned.
I guess one lesson I've learnt in my month away from everyone, is that love does not condemn. It always perseveres, and always hopes. Love carries the burdens of the one who sins, and does not pile on the load of guilt to the one who is already heavy-laden. I used to be very good at pointing out the faults of this and that person, and phrase it in such a manner that it falls just nicely on the side of righteous concern instead of self-righteous indulgence.... The new lesson I'm learning now is to show mercy, and carry that person's burdens.
Unless I can bother to do that, I myself am guilty of not fulfilling the law of Christ... what right do I then have, to ignore the plank in my own eye and pick at the speck in the other person's eye?
I guess that's why ultimately I realise that as angry as I might be at whomever has done me wrong, I have no right to be angry at him until I have stood alongside him and carried his burdens.
And maybe that's what Christ meant by turning the other cheek.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Back From Macau...
Macau has been an experience in humility… in recognizing that there is much out there greater than myself…
2600 delegates from more than 50 countries, all with one purpose in mind… How to take the gospel to the nations. And the thing is, these weren’t no-life religious fanatics who let their who purpose in life revolve around missions because they had nowhere better to invest their time. Many used to be rich executives who had given up all they had to respond to the call. Very very successful and capable businessmen who were leaders on an international stage. One of my workshops was taught was 2 guys – one was the former director of Prudential Asia Pacific who is now the pastor of Grace Baptist Church… and the other is a former pastor who left to start up an airline to evangelize out to the corporate world… both its leaders as well as his employees. Yet to hear their humility in speech as well as when they talk abt the love of the gospel they have… man.
It was a breath-taking glance at what C.S Lewis spoke of in Screwtape Letters, when he talked of how the Christian will be forever lost as long as it is “abt the gospel plus something else”. I went home thinking abt how easily we all fall into the trap. Emphasize on tithing too much and very soon the church becomes run no different from profit organizations, where a lot of its ministry invariably becomes hampered by people who tithe a lot, but who also end up controlling how the money is spent. Focus too much on organizational efficiency and stream-lining, and very soon the very people being ministered to become mere pawns where the aim is to grow numbers and boast cosmeticized results instead of people. Stress too much on unity and very soon we all become so inward looking that we selfishly squabble and resent each other over “our own resources”, as if we were right to believe that we – instead of God – own them.
Each lunch we had at any table was always with some Reverend or Missionary who would beam at us and tell us how happy they were to see young faces. And I was so struck by their words on retrospect. Here in the second service we complain and we talk so much abt the lack of sucession... and how we don’t expect ourselves to be doing the things we do right now in 20 yrs’ time. Yet here they all are, sitting in front of me… 60 yrs old, and still going out there to preach the gospel and share Christ… and when they shared how happy they were to finally see young faces, I can only shudder to imagine their loneliness in ministry as they labor on, asking God to raise up new leaders with none in sight.
I’ve cried at many a Christian camp before. I’ve cried at many a Christian rally before. Usually it happens during worship, where God’s presence and voice seems to always bring out my emotions the most. Or else its during a very moving testimony, where the story of God working in our midst would bring me much comfort and encouragement. At times it happens during an altar call, where the speaker invokes the name of God to call to either repentance or commitment. But at this conference, I think I was moved to tears each time I just look around me to catch a small small glimpse of what heaven must feel like… surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. “Humbling” doesn’t even come close to describing what it felt like.
The lessons learnt were very personal ones. Lessons like the call to no compromise. Being reminded again and again of Abraham and Issac, and God's call to offer up to Him what I claim to be my most precious. No big meta-narrative to give here. I really think God spoke to me very very personally in this conference. It wasn’t the typical Crusade-style evangelistic meeting where the theme was always “Christ died for you – what would your response be?”. Nothing wrong with that style, mind you. Just that this conference was… different. There was no eagerness to impose and elicit a response from the people around. There was no need to. Every life to my left and right was a testimony to what a life surrendered to God might look like. Everyone had a story to share abt being hurt by church and by people. And they all had a story to share of how God not only saved them from their spiritual death, but He brought them back from their emotional crucifixion as well.
Been a whirlwind of activity since I returned home… the air was really bad in Macau and Hong Kong, and I returned home with a pretty bad flu, cough and asthma. The fact that I start work the day after I reached home didn’t help…
So I guess I shall stop here….
Lots of pics to come next… very soon, I promise. Tho I broke my camera on the first night I was in Hong Kong, so unfortunately nothing to show from there.
But I think I took plenty enough otherwise.
By the way, don’t bother with the Portugese egg tarts of Macau. They’re an absolute lie. We walked for hours without seeing any. And the supposedly “best” ones were very ordinary. They weren’t bad, per se. Just very ordinary.
Ah well.
I know the dowager is having the time of her life in Beijing, with a lot of pics showcasing what she’s been eating over there. *envious*
Sigh.
Ah well. At least I know its not building up around MY waist.
WUAHAHAHAHAHA…
2600 delegates from more than 50 countries, all with one purpose in mind… How to take the gospel to the nations. And the thing is, these weren’t no-life religious fanatics who let their who purpose in life revolve around missions because they had nowhere better to invest their time. Many used to be rich executives who had given up all they had to respond to the call. Very very successful and capable businessmen who were leaders on an international stage. One of my workshops was taught was 2 guys – one was the former director of Prudential Asia Pacific who is now the pastor of Grace Baptist Church… and the other is a former pastor who left to start up an airline to evangelize out to the corporate world… both its leaders as well as his employees. Yet to hear their humility in speech as well as when they talk abt the love of the gospel they have… man.
It was a breath-taking glance at what C.S Lewis spoke of in Screwtape Letters, when he talked of how the Christian will be forever lost as long as it is “abt the gospel plus something else”. I went home thinking abt how easily we all fall into the trap. Emphasize on tithing too much and very soon the church becomes run no different from profit organizations, where a lot of its ministry invariably becomes hampered by people who tithe a lot, but who also end up controlling how the money is spent. Focus too much on organizational efficiency and stream-lining, and very soon the very people being ministered to become mere pawns where the aim is to grow numbers and boast cosmeticized results instead of people. Stress too much on unity and very soon we all become so inward looking that we selfishly squabble and resent each other over “our own resources”, as if we were right to believe that we – instead of God – own them.
Each lunch we had at any table was always with some Reverend or Missionary who would beam at us and tell us how happy they were to see young faces. And I was so struck by their words on retrospect. Here in the second service we complain and we talk so much abt the lack of sucession... and how we don’t expect ourselves to be doing the things we do right now in 20 yrs’ time. Yet here they all are, sitting in front of me… 60 yrs old, and still going out there to preach the gospel and share Christ… and when they shared how happy they were to finally see young faces, I can only shudder to imagine their loneliness in ministry as they labor on, asking God to raise up new leaders with none in sight.
I’ve cried at many a Christian camp before. I’ve cried at many a Christian rally before. Usually it happens during worship, where God’s presence and voice seems to always bring out my emotions the most. Or else its during a very moving testimony, where the story of God working in our midst would bring me much comfort and encouragement. At times it happens during an altar call, where the speaker invokes the name of God to call to either repentance or commitment. But at this conference, I think I was moved to tears each time I just look around me to catch a small small glimpse of what heaven must feel like… surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. “Humbling” doesn’t even come close to describing what it felt like.
The lessons learnt were very personal ones. Lessons like the call to no compromise. Being reminded again and again of Abraham and Issac, and God's call to offer up to Him what I claim to be my most precious. No big meta-narrative to give here. I really think God spoke to me very very personally in this conference. It wasn’t the typical Crusade-style evangelistic meeting where the theme was always “Christ died for you – what would your response be?”. Nothing wrong with that style, mind you. Just that this conference was… different. There was no eagerness to impose and elicit a response from the people around. There was no need to. Every life to my left and right was a testimony to what a life surrendered to God might look like. Everyone had a story to share abt being hurt by church and by people. And they all had a story to share of how God not only saved them from their spiritual death, but He brought them back from their emotional crucifixion as well.
Been a whirlwind of activity since I returned home… the air was really bad in Macau and Hong Kong, and I returned home with a pretty bad flu, cough and asthma. The fact that I start work the day after I reached home didn’t help…
So I guess I shall stop here….
Lots of pics to come next… very soon, I promise. Tho I broke my camera on the first night I was in Hong Kong, so unfortunately nothing to show from there.
But I think I took plenty enough otherwise.
By the way, don’t bother with the Portugese egg tarts of Macau. They’re an absolute lie. We walked for hours without seeing any. And the supposedly “best” ones were very ordinary. They weren’t bad, per se. Just very ordinary.
Ah well.
I know the dowager is having the time of her life in Beijing, with a lot of pics showcasing what she’s been eating over there. *envious*
Sigh.
Ah well. At least I know its not building up around MY waist.
WUAHAHAHAHAHA…
Friday, July 14, 2006
Post Birthday Entry...
I guess I’m due for a belated birthday entry.
Scandinavia has come and gone… so much has been going on in my life that has left me with so little time to think and act. I‘ve been spending the past 2 weeks since returning… reacting to everything going on around me. Been so tired out also, that I really haven’t had much impulse to indulge in my whoring for public attention via this blog.
Thus the radio silence.
I was told yesterday that my belief in communities always forces me to walk a very thin line. I don’t give myself space to make mistakes, since the consequences are ten times more severe in the context of community. By keeping every friend of mine separate from one another, I can jeopardize one friendship and still find solace in the others.
I guess that’s true.
The tricky thing abt community is that when things are going fine, the synergy can really be a force used for good… everyone is very encouraged and built up. Its like a rainforest that becomes an eco-system in itself, each one playing an active role in sustaining one another. But it only takes one spark within that system during a dry spell, to spark a raging fire that can clean out the whole rainforest overnight.
But I guess I wouldn’t have done it any other way. The tacky side of me will always decide that I’d much rather have lived and died, instead of never having truly lived before.
Speaking of living… I’ve now a total of 27 years to account for, yet somehow nothing much seems to have changed. I’m beginning to ask myself if I should only check back here again when I’m 40, and the wandering is supposed to have ceased. Hehz…
It’s been a quiet birthday, the kind that I like. It had its moments, such as the party that Weixiu put a lotta effort into throwing, yet also the element of minimal fanfare in that very few wished me a happy birthday this yr as compared to the previous years. And for that, I’m truly grateful. Being able to spend my entire birthday this year doing only what I wanna do, without having to oblige anyone at all felt really great.
I was told that I seem to have withdrawn myself a lot from pple over the past half a year. I’ve stopped bothering to maintain a lot of the peripheral relationships that I used to bother about. I guess I just got too tired of caring. When you’re approaching 30, you’re supposed to be slowly phasing out the friends that you know will never really be there for you, and learn to reserve your time only for those that by now you know truly matters.
I guess its fine when you’re the one doing the phasing out. The shock comes when you realize that you who live by the sword also dies by it. The gradual realization did hit me that amongst my friends, I too, am slowly being phased out of some of their lives.
Ah well. C’est la vie…
The aftermath of Zidane’s sending off still seems to reverberate and taint Italy’s triumph at the World Cup. Calls for investigation, ugly speculations as to what must have been said to have elicited such a response from a footballing gentleman, verbal exchanges of slurs and lies in the papers… coupled with the match-fixing scandal that is already rocking Serie A, I think the Italians deserve a little bit of compassion.
Honestly, I think aside from the penalty they won against Australia that was undeserved, they have generally performed well and won the World Cup on their merits. Yet to never be able to enjoy the fruits of their success because of the complications that surround it.. it sucks. It seems to have taken the shine off the victory, and it seems to have therefore diminished the respect and credit that they deserve.
Ah well.
On my part. I’m just glad its over and we can all go back to adjusting our bio clocks to sleep.
Sleeping of sleep…
Time for me to sign off.
Will be back after my Macau trip. Back on 25th July.
I start work on the 26th!!
Scandinavia has come and gone… so much has been going on in my life that has left me with so little time to think and act. I‘ve been spending the past 2 weeks since returning… reacting to everything going on around me. Been so tired out also, that I really haven’t had much impulse to indulge in my whoring for public attention via this blog.
Thus the radio silence.
I was told yesterday that my belief in communities always forces me to walk a very thin line. I don’t give myself space to make mistakes, since the consequences are ten times more severe in the context of community. By keeping every friend of mine separate from one another, I can jeopardize one friendship and still find solace in the others.
I guess that’s true.
The tricky thing abt community is that when things are going fine, the synergy can really be a force used for good… everyone is very encouraged and built up. Its like a rainforest that becomes an eco-system in itself, each one playing an active role in sustaining one another. But it only takes one spark within that system during a dry spell, to spark a raging fire that can clean out the whole rainforest overnight.
But I guess I wouldn’t have done it any other way. The tacky side of me will always decide that I’d much rather have lived and died, instead of never having truly lived before.
Speaking of living… I’ve now a total of 27 years to account for, yet somehow nothing much seems to have changed. I’m beginning to ask myself if I should only check back here again when I’m 40, and the wandering is supposed to have ceased. Hehz…
It’s been a quiet birthday, the kind that I like. It had its moments, such as the party that Weixiu put a lotta effort into throwing, yet also the element of minimal fanfare in that very few wished me a happy birthday this yr as compared to the previous years. And for that, I’m truly grateful. Being able to spend my entire birthday this year doing only what I wanna do, without having to oblige anyone at all felt really great.
I was told that I seem to have withdrawn myself a lot from pple over the past half a year. I’ve stopped bothering to maintain a lot of the peripheral relationships that I used to bother about. I guess I just got too tired of caring. When you’re approaching 30, you’re supposed to be slowly phasing out the friends that you know will never really be there for you, and learn to reserve your time only for those that by now you know truly matters.
I guess its fine when you’re the one doing the phasing out. The shock comes when you realize that you who live by the sword also dies by it. The gradual realization did hit me that amongst my friends, I too, am slowly being phased out of some of their lives.
Ah well. C’est la vie…
The aftermath of Zidane’s sending off still seems to reverberate and taint Italy’s triumph at the World Cup. Calls for investigation, ugly speculations as to what must have been said to have elicited such a response from a footballing gentleman, verbal exchanges of slurs and lies in the papers… coupled with the match-fixing scandal that is already rocking Serie A, I think the Italians deserve a little bit of compassion.
Honestly, I think aside from the penalty they won against Australia that was undeserved, they have generally performed well and won the World Cup on their merits. Yet to never be able to enjoy the fruits of their success because of the complications that surround it.. it sucks. It seems to have taken the shine off the victory, and it seems to have therefore diminished the respect and credit that they deserve.
Ah well.
On my part. I’m just glad its over and we can all go back to adjusting our bio clocks to sleep.
Sleeping of sleep…
Time for me to sign off.
Will be back after my Macau trip. Back on 25th July.
I start work on the 26th!!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
Must Love Dogs
These pictures represent the happiest 20 minutes of my time in Scandinavia. Being able to roll around with these 2 Malmuts... I knew my day was complete. They were warm, gentle, friendly... everything I was looking for in a dog...
And they cost 700 euros each.
I was asked for a birthday wishlist. How abt just this - a pair of Malmuts.
Grins.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Scandinavia Snippets
So much to say abt my Scandinavian trip, but I really have no idea where to start. Decided I'd just drop snippets of things that I had jotted down here and there, and let them come out here on this blog as and when the occasion arises.
And since this is sunday, I'll mention how my two sundays went.
I really missed the service back in my church. From the people, to the building, to the fact that it felt odd to be travelling arouhnd the different parts of Europe to be visiting churches instead of going to one to worship.
The churches were all exquisite...
And since this is sunday, I'll mention how my two sundays went.
I really missed the service back in my church. From the people, to the building, to the fact that it felt odd to be travelling arouhnd the different parts of Europe to be visiting churches instead of going to one to worship.
The churches were all exquisite...
And so there I was admiring all the details paid to the architecture... to the details... and just how much effort was evidently put into the whole design and building of the place... and I was very much saddened to think that at the end of the day, the church building is nothing more than an ornate structure that attracts the tourists to converge on. Because it was on a sunday that I visited some of the churches, and there was no worshipping taking place. Only eager groups of people in all shapes and sizes, snapping away at their cameras, getting their dollar's worth of shots.
It struck me that sometimes that's what my own church can be like... people who throng in droves into the building, eager to fulfill their expectations, hardly ever pausing to consider the intent of their having stepped into a place once set apart for sanctuary and meditation.
Its a reminder to me that my life and my body, as the temple of the living God, needs to avoid becoming a mere relic that once was set apart for His use.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Read This Only If You're Waaaaaay Too Free. Serious.
Mebbe it’s the jet lag, mebbe I’m still adjusting to the time difference. But I can’t sleep.
**********************************
I gave your question a little more thought, and this might seem overly simplistic… but its what I really think. If you love her more than life, then the pain of not seeing her will be unbearable. Much better to still let her be part of your life. If you’re willing to let her go because it hurts too much, mebbe at the end of the day you really love yourself more.
**********************************
Father’s Day in Norway was cool. But it suddenly surfaced a lot of things abt my father that I couldn’t chase away while I was on the bus. I love him dearly, but if I can’t be a much better father than he was, I’d rather be single and never have a child. Cos I’ve seen the kind of damage it does to a child, when you can’t be the sort of parent that you should be.
**********************************
The World Cup is a travesty, what with the number of bad referring decisions that’s rapidly turning the whole competition into a lottery – if you’re lucky you win a penalty. If you’re not, you win a red card.
**********************************
I’ve missed the piano so much when I was over in Scandinavia in 14 days. I still suck at playing, mind you… but the piano was always an outlet for my emotions when no one’s around… and I’ve had a lot to think abt when I was there, and there was a lot going on inside of me that I couldn’t express or vent.
**********************************
I might be getting a job real soon!!!! Whoo hoo!!! Now I can finally pay my bills. Grins.
**********************************
So much was going on when I was away, that I’m really a little overwhelmed right now, and have no idea where to start. And I don’t just mean the World Cup. So much happening to those around me, and even more to myself that I think I’m gonna need another holiday to run from the problems that this vacation seems to have created.
**********************************
I’ve come full circle to realize who selfish I really am, and how I really don’t know anything at all abt loving pple.
Am more than just a little disappointed with myself.
**********************************
Still need to sort out my Stansfield College saga.
**********************************
So much to write on the blog, yet everytime I start I think its either gonna bore pple cos they’ve read those sentiments before or else its too long. So I don’t write anything at all which I thought would be substantial, but opt for this kind of crap instead.
**********************************
I’ve mentioned this ad nauseum, but I really love Mike Gayle’s books. Sorry man. Its so terrible, my liking it. But at the same time I can’t help but be drawn to it. Paul says its cos I’m a helpless romantic. And I am. But its such an uncool thing to be!!!
**********************************
Yes, I’m officially u-n-c-o-o-l.
Sad, no?
**********************************
I gave your question a little more thought, and this might seem overly simplistic… but its what I really think. If you love her more than life, then the pain of not seeing her will be unbearable. Much better to still let her be part of your life. If you’re willing to let her go because it hurts too much, mebbe at the end of the day you really love yourself more.
**********************************
Father’s Day in Norway was cool. But it suddenly surfaced a lot of things abt my father that I couldn’t chase away while I was on the bus. I love him dearly, but if I can’t be a much better father than he was, I’d rather be single and never have a child. Cos I’ve seen the kind of damage it does to a child, when you can’t be the sort of parent that you should be.
**********************************
The World Cup is a travesty, what with the number of bad referring decisions that’s rapidly turning the whole competition into a lottery – if you’re lucky you win a penalty. If you’re not, you win a red card.
**********************************
I’ve missed the piano so much when I was over in Scandinavia in 14 days. I still suck at playing, mind you… but the piano was always an outlet for my emotions when no one’s around… and I’ve had a lot to think abt when I was there, and there was a lot going on inside of me that I couldn’t express or vent.
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I might be getting a job real soon!!!! Whoo hoo!!! Now I can finally pay my bills. Grins.
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So much was going on when I was away, that I’m really a little overwhelmed right now, and have no idea where to start. And I don’t just mean the World Cup. So much happening to those around me, and even more to myself that I think I’m gonna need another holiday to run from the problems that this vacation seems to have created.
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I’ve come full circle to realize who selfish I really am, and how I really don’t know anything at all abt loving pple.
Am more than just a little disappointed with myself.
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Still need to sort out my Stansfield College saga.
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So much to write on the blog, yet everytime I start I think its either gonna bore pple cos they’ve read those sentiments before or else its too long. So I don’t write anything at all which I thought would be substantial, but opt for this kind of crap instead.
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I’ve mentioned this ad nauseum, but I really love Mike Gayle’s books. Sorry man. Its so terrible, my liking it. But at the same time I can’t help but be drawn to it. Paul says its cos I’m a helpless romantic. And I am. But its such an uncool thing to be!!!
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Yes, I’m officially u-n-c-o-o-l.
Sad, no?
Sunset Boulevard
Well, not exactly a boulevard. But its the land of the midnight sun, where the sun never sets. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Romaniemi, where I caught the Midnight Sun... a phenomena where the sun reaches the water horizon when setting, then rises again without ever setting.
Hopefully more pictures will follow.
Tee hee!!
Hopefully more pictures will follow.
Tee hee!!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Leaving On A Jet Plane (Part 2)
Shit. Leaving in 30 mins.
Just realise that it can suck to suddenly think "there's no one's photo that I can bring with me on the trip, to put in my wallet."
Just realise that it can suck to suddenly think "there's no one's photo that I can bring with me on the trip, to put in my wallet."
I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane
So I'm gonna be gone till the 28th. Blog's been kindda quiet lately, cos I've been a little preoccupied, and also taking time out for myself. Anyway, I'll leave you with this new gem I picked up from PostSecret, and the song that goes with it. Ravi Zacharias once said "Preach to broken hearts, and you will never lack for an audience." Mebbe that's why the expression of longing always gets pple nodding their heads along. At some level we all want what we cannot have, or do not have. And that's why PostSecret is making so much money...
I was asked - which is more painful, to see someone you love with someone else, or to not see that someone at all. Hmm... I think I answered your question pretty badly, gimme some time to think through it on the trip and I'll try to give a better answer to you when I'm back.
Bye guys... Will be back from my trip with more thoughts, and perhaps a picture or two even!!! Scandinavia, here I come...
I was asked - which is more painful, to see someone you love with someone else, or to not see that someone at all. Hmm... I think I answered your question pretty badly, gimme some time to think through it on the trip and I'll try to give a better answer to you when I'm back.
Bye guys... Will be back from my trip with more thoughts, and perhaps a picture or two even!!! Scandinavia, here I come...
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Goodbye To Romance
On some days, I think this is how I really am, that trying to be otherwise would basically be selling myself out.
On other days like this, I tell myself I really need to stop living my life by the songs that I listen to. That romanticism is a lie, and leaves you with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Hard to imagine, that a God who loves you will always take away before your very eyes all that you desire to have even more than your life itself. Maybe He only allows you to keep that which you don’t love but simply possess. So that the trick is to stop believing you can possess true love. You either love, or you possess. Take your pick.
And maybe that’s the way to go.
Maybe goodbye isn't as difficult as I always made it out to be. After all, we'll get to meet in the end, isn't it?
Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me
I'm the lonely one
I live in shame
I said hey, goodbye to romance
Goodbye to friends,
I tell you, goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet,
We'll meet in the end
I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down
I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around
To love in vain
And I feel the time is right although
I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do
But I have to take this chance
Goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you
And the winter is looking fine
And I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again
On other days like this, I tell myself I really need to stop living my life by the songs that I listen to. That romanticism is a lie, and leaves you with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Hard to imagine, that a God who loves you will always take away before your very eyes all that you desire to have even more than your life itself. Maybe He only allows you to keep that which you don’t love but simply possess. So that the trick is to stop believing you can possess true love. You either love, or you possess. Take your pick.
And maybe that’s the way to go.
Maybe goodbye isn't as difficult as I always made it out to be. After all, we'll get to meet in the end, isn't it?
Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me
I'm the lonely one
I live in shame
I said hey, goodbye to romance
Goodbye to friends,
I tell you, goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet,
We'll meet in the end
I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down
I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around
To love in vain
And I feel the time is right although
I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do
But I have to take this chance
Goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you
And the winter is looking fine
And I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Just For You
More times than not I don't know what to say, much less what to do. There are times when we go through some of the darkest moments in our lives, daring to even be angry at God. Yet I pray that in spite of the despair in your heart, you will come to a subtle realization of God's ever-faithful presence, and the love that He always has for you. You're constantly in my thougts and prayers...
Wounded Soldier
Wounded Soldier, on the ground. Broken, bleeding, beaten down.
Feeling defeated, feeling not needed. Alone, abandoned, on the battleground.
Wounded Soldier, faithful friend. Beaten down by those you defend.
Your heart once open, now pierced and broken… needing hope, to rise again…
Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battles and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…
While the battle rages on, I will hold you through the night.
In the shadow of the cross, I’ll be your champion, fight your fight!
Let me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
Wounded Soldier, you’ll rise again! You can trust Me, I always win!
When you face harshness, or total darkness,
I’m ever watching, faithful to defend.
Wounded Soldier, faithful one. When you’re fallen, I’ll help you run.
With every testing, I’ll bring you resting, and say to you:
“My child, well done!”
Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battle and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…
When you feel you can’t go on, you’ll be weak, and I’ll be strong.
With the power of my strongest love, from my heart’s deepest song!
Let me hold you! I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you! In the shelter of my heart!
Wounded Soldier, on the ground. Broken, bleeding, beaten down.
Feeling defeated, feeling not needed. Alone, abandoned, on the battleground.
Wounded Soldier, faithful friend. Beaten down by those you defend.
Your heart once open, now pierced and broken… needing hope, to rise again…
Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battles and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…
While the battle rages on, I will hold you through the night.
In the shadow of the cross, I’ll be your champion, fight your fight!
Let me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
Wounded Soldier, you’ll rise again! You can trust Me, I always win!
When you face harshness, or total darkness,
I’m ever watching, faithful to defend.
Wounded Soldier, faithful one. When you’re fallen, I’ll help you run.
With every testing, I’ll bring you resting, and say to you:
“My child, well done!”
Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battle and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…
When you feel you can’t go on, you’ll be weak, and I’ll be strong.
With the power of my strongest love, from my heart’s deepest song!
Let me hold you! I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you! In the shelter of my heart!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Set Apart For God (Part 2)
I repent of ever having recorded one single song, and ever having performed one concert, if my music, and more importantly, my life has not provoked you into Godly jealousy or to sell out more completely to Jesus! — Keith Green
Keith Green was 15 the first time he ran away from home. He started a journal that ran for years as he looked for musical adventure and spiritual truth. Keith had a Jewish background, but he grew up reading the New Testament. He called it "an odd combination" that left him open minded, but deeply unsatisfied. His journey led him to drugs, eastern mysticism, and free-love.
When Keith was 19 he met a fellow seeker/musician named Melody. They were married a year later -- but his spiritual quest continued. Then when he had nearly given up hope, Keith found the truth he was looking for. He was 21 and he never looked back.
Keith Green was 15 the first time he ran away from home. He started a journal that ran for years as he looked for musical adventure and spiritual truth. Keith had a Jewish background, but he grew up reading the New Testament. He called it "an odd combination" that left him open minded, but deeply unsatisfied. His journey led him to drugs, eastern mysticism, and free-love.
When Keith was 19 he met a fellow seeker/musician named Melody. They were married a year later -- but his spiritual quest continued. Then when he had nearly given up hope, Keith found the truth he was looking for. He was 21 and he never looked back.
What once confused him now made sense as he proudly told the world, “I'm a Jewish Christian." As soon as Keith opened his heart to Jesus, he and Melody opened their home. Anyone with a need, or who wanted to kick drugs, or get off the street, was welcome. Of course, they always heard plently about Jesus.
Not only did Keith's life take a radical turn, but as an accomplished musician and songwriter, so did his music. His quest for stardom ended. His songs now reflected the absolute thrill of finding Jesus and seeing his own life radically changed. Keith's spiritual intensity not only took him beyond most people's comfort zones, but it constantly drove him even beyond himself.
Somewhat reluctantly, Keith was thrust into a "John the Baptist" type ministry—calling believers to wake up, repent, and live a life that looked like what they said they believed. Keith felt he would have met Jesus sooner if not for Christians who led double lives. He made audiences squirm by saying, “If you praise and worship Jesus with your mouth and your life does not praise and worship him, there's something wrong!"
The radical commitment Keith preached was also a desire of his own heart. He said, “Loving Him is to be our cause. He can take care of a lot of other causes without us, but He can’t make us love Him with all our heart. That’s the work we must do... Anything else is an imitation.”
Keith's songs were often birthed during his own spiritual struggles. He pointed the finger at himself, penning honest and vulnerable lyrics—but he left room for God to convict the rest of us too. He knew the journey to heaven often winds through muddy valleys, and saw no value in portraying things as otherwise.
With Keith's honesty, he would have chafed against a glossed-over reading of his own life. After all, Keith was in the spotlight as he grew in Jesus. He made mistakes. We miss something essential when we overlook the frailty and humanity of those who've gone before us. Keith was far from perfect, but he honestly hungered after righteousness—constantly asking the Holy Spirit to, "change my heart, convict me of my sin." And when he was convicted, he took action. If he needed to repent, he repented. If he needed to phone someone to ask forgiveness, he did.
For Keith, meeting Jesus was one thing. Becoming more like Him was another. After striving for years to measure up to God's holiness, at times questioning his own salvation, Keith came into a deeper understanding of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross—both to forgive his sins, and to clothe him in His own righteousness. It wasn't that Keith became less concerned with purity and holiness. But he was now motivated more by love and less by fear in His pursuit of Jesus.
While on earth, Keith struggled with the same things we do—discipline, deadlines, problems crying for attention. He had music to write and a growing family. And he was also discipling the 70 believers who had come to be part of Last Days Ministries—the ministry he and Melody expanded from the outreach that began in their home. But he learned, in the midst of it all, the importance of pausing simply to behold the glory of God and to enjoy His presence. That is perhaps, more than anything, the legacy Keith would have wanted us to remember.
In seven short years of knowing Jesus, the Lord took Keith from concert crowds of 20 or less—to stadiums of 12,000 people who came to hear only him. His recordings were chart topping—and when he began to give his recordings away for whatever people could afford, some misunderstood. His views were often controversial but never boring. Television and radio appearances became the norm. Still, Keith's heart was to please the Lord and build His kingdom, not his own.
And in the last few months of his life, the Lord turned Keith's heart once again toward the lost. He wanted to go back out into the streets, the prisons, and the nations to reach those without God. He wanted to sing to them. He wanted to tell them how much Jesus loved them. However, it was not to be.
On July 28, 1982, there was a small plane crash and Keith went home to be with Jesus. The crash also took the life of his three year old son Josiah, and his two year old daughter, Bethany. Melody was home with their one year old, Rebekah, and was also six weeks pregnant with their fourth child, Rachel. Keith was only 28 years old.
Although Keith is now with Jesus, his life and ministry is still making a huge impact around the world. His songs and passionate delivery are still changing lives. His writings are translated into many languages. Keith once said, "When I die I just want to be remembered as a Christian." It's safe to say he reached his goal, and perhaps, a bit more.
Keith Green was simply a man of conviction. When his convictions led him to an eternally worthy object in the person of Jesus he sold all that he had—ambitions, possessions, and dreams—to possess His love. In so doing he became a man of devotion. He also became a man remembered, and still missed, by millions around the world.
The only music minister to whom the Lord will say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant," is the one whose life proves what their lyrics are saying, and to whom music is the least important part of their life. Glorifying the only worthy One has to be a minister's most important goal! — Keith Green
Saturday, June 03, 2006
The New Man In My Life
On the journey over to Levenshulme they talked about the New Year and what they hoped to get out of it. Neil told Jo that he was planning to take a career break and travel for a while because he was afraid that he was missing out on life by working all the time. Jo told him about her hopes for her novel, and that if no one was interested in it, she’d write something new: Rob’s praise had inspired her.
“Well,” she said, as Neil pulled up outside her house, “this is me.”
He leaned across and kissed her cheek. “It was great to meet you.”
“You too.” Jo opened the car door. “Have a great New Year.”
She stepped out of the car and was about to close the door when Neil spoke again: “May I say something to you? Its more advice than anything else.”
“Of course,” said Jo. “What is it?”
“I just wanted to say to you that I know it must be hard for you.”
“What’s hard for me?”
“And I know too that, right now, your heart must feel like its being broken apart… but it will heal… You will get over it. Time will help you to accept that in life there are things you can have and things you can’t, and that’s just the way it is.”
Jo was stunned. “How did you –”
“It takes one to know one,” he replied. “Just make sure you look after yourself.”
Jo closed the car door and watched as he drove away. Then she turned to her house and rooted in her bag for her keys. She opened the door, closed it behind her and cried as if she would never stop.
- Brand New Friend, Mike Gayle
“Well,” she said, as Neil pulled up outside her house, “this is me.”
He leaned across and kissed her cheek. “It was great to meet you.”
“You too.” Jo opened the car door. “Have a great New Year.”
She stepped out of the car and was about to close the door when Neil spoke again: “May I say something to you? Its more advice than anything else.”
“Of course,” said Jo. “What is it?”
“I just wanted to say to you that I know it must be hard for you.”
“What’s hard for me?”
“And I know too that, right now, your heart must feel like its being broken apart… but it will heal… You will get over it. Time will help you to accept that in life there are things you can have and things you can’t, and that’s just the way it is.”
Jo was stunned. “How did you –”
“It takes one to know one,” he replied. “Just make sure you look after yourself.”
Jo closed the car door and watched as he drove away. Then she turned to her house and rooted in her bag for her keys. She opened the door, closed it behind her and cried as if she would never stop.
- Brand New Friend, Mike Gayle
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Set Apart For God (Part 1)
I was out with Paul a while ago, and we got down to discussing the book I lent him, “The Mystery Of Marriage”. He obviously didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, and his general protest was at the “idealism” that the book espoused. He likened it to books like “Passion and Purity”, or “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, books where they described the theoretical epitome of what love should be like, while at the same time not making enough room to acknowledge just how impossible it is to ever get there.
As much as I agreed at the impossibly high standards that the book sets, I guess for me… the problem was always with the impossibly low standards we set for ourselves as we protest against the lofty standards that Mason, Harris and George have placed before us. And I told him that seeing a couple like Henry and Bernice demonstrate what it is like to have a Christ-centered relationship, I can see how the lofty standards were reached for, while at the same time conceding the fact that we are prone to fail.
What every couple does, including what I did with Grace, was to get into a relationship based on the mutual attraction we had for each other… only after that, did we try to work the “God element" into it, so as to try and steer it towards a God-centered direction. I would be hard-pressed to find fault with that approach, actually… but its safe to say that most of the time, it was the horizontal aspect of the relationship that got built, instead of the vertical. And so love becomes such hard work, where we plead the impossibility of the standards that are established in these books.
What we forget is that in something as grand and as sacred as love, it was always going to be something impossible for fallen humans to achieve. Just like how it was always going to be impossible for fallen beings like us to behold the full glory of God. Yet it also therefore becomes the one thing above anything else, that we cannot afford to compromise, and settle for less in.
So we lean on the providence of God’s grace, to help us love like only He can.
I look to Henry and Bernice, and I am more than just a little awed by the kind of relationship they have. I don’t just see each other when I look into their eyes, I really see a common worship that they share. I can see that how close they are wasn’t built by a lot of personal time together, but by the kind of worship that they have in common, of God. Their relationship has such a great capacity to accommodate others, be it cell group, the worship team, other needy people, ministry time and family obligations... not to mention work. And I believe their relationship could stand up to such intrusions because it was never about the two of them, but about the common love they have in Christ. As much as I whine abt the lack of personal space I’d want after getting attached, I know I’m the sort who would jealously want a lot of personal time with my partner. And to see how Henry and Bernice always selflessly give up their own time together to fellowship with those around them… well, its always a lesson that I learn, and that makes me appreciate them.
I don’t think there’s any way to “work at it”. Any other couple who imitates the very activities they engage in could not reproduce the kind of “holiness” that their love seems to emanate. Whatever chemistry and understanding they have of each other is always something you can feel is found in the source of their love for Christ. Its not about how sweet one party can be to another. Its not about how self-sacrificing or how nice one is to the other. Its about how when they come together, what anyone can see is that their attachment to each other is the result of their common fixation with God.
I remember the line in the song “I Will Be Here”, that goes “I will be true to the promise I have made… to you and to the One who gave you to me”, and I suddenly appreciate the sentiment of that line ten times over. All the promises made to each other in the song is worth nothing, without the ever-present acknowledgement that it’s also a promise kept to the One who brought the two of them together. I don't think I've ever seen that line before in this context, but when I did, it really blew my mind away. The bridge of a song, usually used to summarize the whole song and to lend emphasis to a chorus, was certainly used by Chapman so powerfully here.
Someone told me tonight that she’s just about ready to stop believing in relationships already. And many have been the times that I’ve felt that way. But the grandness of the love that Henry and Bernice share have shown me that good things like this are so precious that its worth waiting for, and that it’ll be worth the wait.
Its interesting how couples who are on the verge of breaking up usually all weigh their considerations on everything except “I wonder if God really is pleased with the relationship I’m currently in, and I wonder just how much my relationship is glorifying Him.” I suspect most couples are afraid to ask that question, because of the ramifications that follow. Yet often it seems that until that question is answered, all other questions abt compatibility, commitment and affections are somewhat invalid.
Its also interesting how couples who are thinking of getting together always talk abt praying over that decision, but their deliberations always seem to hover over “human factors” such as compatibility and attraction… at best they think they can see themselves serving God together, a hypothetical understanding usually borne out of a bias towards wanting to end up together. They protest over how God seems to stay silent when they ask Him for an answer, not ever considering that perhaps God’s silence is in itself an answer.
And even couples who might be doing pretty well right now often avoid the question of “Where is God in the relationship”, preferring not to rock the boat, hoping that in the future the problem would go away by itself.
Of course, having said all this, it seems that every couple in church ought to break up now. Hehz… but that’s not my point. I think it’s a decision we all have to make for ourselves, just how much do we intend to set ourselves apart to be used by God. I think after witnessing Henry and Bernice at work, I have caught a glimpse of something that I want very badly… and I would rather stay single than settle for a relationship that would make a mockery of all that I think love should be, and make a hypocrite of myself.
So… yes. I think I need to get used to the idea of singlehood for life.
Grins.
Potluck At BK's!!!!
Nowadays when you go BK, instead of ordering their fries and drinks, you're encouraged to come with your own coffee and hashbrowns.
Grins.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Uncertainty
"You find it so easy to be dissatisfied with God because you do not understand His ways in you. You, who have even entertained the thought of displeasure at a God who doesn't explain His ways. Listen now, mortal, and understand... even the Son of God is not spared from the abandonment of God. Shall you then be?
A moment ago, your Saviour died. He died the incarnation of sin, swallowed up in the iniquity of all mankind. In the final madness of that flood, even He asked 'Why?' and received no answer. The cross always has an unanswered 'Why?'.
Without uncertainty, without unanswered questions, there is no such thing as the cross."
The Inward Journey, Gene Edwards
A moment ago, your Saviour died. He died the incarnation of sin, swallowed up in the iniquity of all mankind. In the final madness of that flood, even He asked 'Why?' and received no answer. The cross always has an unanswered 'Why?'.
Without uncertainty, without unanswered questions, there is no such thing as the cross."
The Inward Journey, Gene Edwards
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Bewildering
The past few weeks I seem to have turned a corner. A bad corner.
Maybe its just me, but I seem to always go through a cycle where things are happening around me and to me that I’m not aware of. I just blunder from one thing into another, and I never really seem to catch on to what’s really going on and what people are seeing.
Slowly I begin to be aware of all that I had missed, and I scramble to make up for my earlier remiss. Usually this involves a lot of thought that I hastily throw into it, hasty conclusions that I arrive at, then the expending of a lot of effort to throw myself against a wall, trying to stick up to the conclusions that I’m so sure of.
Its only after yet more time has passed that I realize I actually am no longer sure of all that I once assumed… I begin to think to myself that maybe I too, have only been seeing what I want to see. Then the doubts set in, until I sit here in front of my PC once again, only this time utterly at a loss of what to do or think.
I really love this song by Lisa Loeb. This blog has been steadily featuring a stream of all my favs from her collection. This has to easily be my favorite one from all her songs. I used to put it on repeat, and play it over and over again everytime I walk away from a close friend that I thought I knew, but ended up having totally misread. And yes, I also used to play this song whenever I thought of all that went wrong between me and Grace.
Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is
Ever had the sense that the few close to you can sometimes be the very ones who are a million miles away? The experience whereby the grasp of a situation you thought you had could turn out with a totally unforeseen twist, that leaves you utterly helpless?
I used to spin the chorus inside my head again and again non-stop, and ask myself if it really was me. I would wonder if it really was just a case of how I refused to see things for the way it really was, but always just stuck a picture inside my head and convinced myself that it was a good reflection of reality. Everytime I think I’m losing control of a situation, I just retreat into a corner, and this chorus would start spinning again.
Just when I think I know myself, and I know what I want, I surprise myself with my ability to realize I’m just as messed up and confused as everyone else around me. My inclinations change, I start questioning my priorities, my circle of friends whom I spend more time with shifts, and I again have to re-evaluate what is it that I want to do with my life. Naturally, I needed to ask myself why I changed (be it my mind, my preferences, or even my understanding of who I am), and what caused the change.
Sounds vague?
Yeah, that’s how my mind has been for the past couple of weeks.
Damn hazy.
Can’t think straight.
And I hate that.
Maybe its just me, but I seem to always go through a cycle where things are happening around me and to me that I’m not aware of. I just blunder from one thing into another, and I never really seem to catch on to what’s really going on and what people are seeing.
Slowly I begin to be aware of all that I had missed, and I scramble to make up for my earlier remiss. Usually this involves a lot of thought that I hastily throw into it, hasty conclusions that I arrive at, then the expending of a lot of effort to throw myself against a wall, trying to stick up to the conclusions that I’m so sure of.
Its only after yet more time has passed that I realize I actually am no longer sure of all that I once assumed… I begin to think to myself that maybe I too, have only been seeing what I want to see. Then the doubts set in, until I sit here in front of my PC once again, only this time utterly at a loss of what to do or think.
I really love this song by Lisa Loeb. This blog has been steadily featuring a stream of all my favs from her collection. This has to easily be my favorite one from all her songs. I used to put it on repeat, and play it over and over again everytime I walk away from a close friend that I thought I knew, but ended up having totally misread. And yes, I also used to play this song whenever I thought of all that went wrong between me and Grace.
Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is
Ever had the sense that the few close to you can sometimes be the very ones who are a million miles away? The experience whereby the grasp of a situation you thought you had could turn out with a totally unforeseen twist, that leaves you utterly helpless?
I used to spin the chorus inside my head again and again non-stop, and ask myself if it really was me. I would wonder if it really was just a case of how I refused to see things for the way it really was, but always just stuck a picture inside my head and convinced myself that it was a good reflection of reality. Everytime I think I’m losing control of a situation, I just retreat into a corner, and this chorus would start spinning again.
Just when I think I know myself, and I know what I want, I surprise myself with my ability to realize I’m just as messed up and confused as everyone else around me. My inclinations change, I start questioning my priorities, my circle of friends whom I spend more time with shifts, and I again have to re-evaluate what is it that I want to do with my life. Naturally, I needed to ask myself why I changed (be it my mind, my preferences, or even my understanding of who I am), and what caused the change.
Sounds vague?
Yeah, that’s how my mind has been for the past couple of weeks.
Damn hazy.
Can’t think straight.
And I hate that.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Someone Should Turn This Into A Song
Forever Valentines’
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."
"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."
"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."
"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."
"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."
"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."
"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."
"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."
"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."
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