Going Crazee!!!!

Hehz...

I'm really going mad. Between bouts of depression and encounters that send me to the moon...

Wuahahahaha...

My still-broken heart was considerably mended by an encounter with Michelle Chia today at Thomson Plaza, where she walked past me, and smiled back at me. Hehz... I'm making progress!!!! I kenna scolded by a couple of people for being too high after that.

Ah well.

The weather was real hot today, and I was telling God that He really shdn't pile more on my depression. I guess He heard... cos an hour later it was raining cats and dogs... gloomy weather to suit my gloomy state, which considerably lifted my mood.

Grins.

Then when things seemed to get better after that, I ended up spending the night at my aunt's place, while my parents caught up on the latest on-going-but-never-ending business of Taiwan Vs China.

But something my friend messaged me perked me up again after that.

Tee hee.

Oh, did I forget to mention how Enoch was such a hero for the cell? He wanted to book Aloha Loyang for the cell chalet, but he ended up with Aloha Changi instead.

Wuahahahaha... Talk abt depressing.

But also amusing la.

Dammit, I'm really going crazy.

I really really am.

The past week I've been dialing the wrong numbers when calling people, and keying in the wrong numbers too when messaging friends. Keep getting scolded left and right. Sigh.

Why??? Why they want to scold me? Why don't they love me???????????????????????????? Hehz...

I shd check for a tumour.

Essentials

I was just whining to my friend just now abt the lack of ‘opportunities’ in church, and even within the Christian field as I continue to wait and look for that special girl to arrive. And so I told him that there have been days when I would seriously consider a non-Christian. He listened very sympathetically to me… then he basically gave me a real tongue lashing.

Hehz.

Ah well. I was asking for it, I guess. Only just this season of Lent I’ve been learning abt the many compromises that I made with my life, and how I need to move away from that. Yet on one of the most impt decisions in life that I’ll ever make, I can’t seem to ever commit myself to doing what’s right. So there my friend was, lambasting me abt how when we stop honoring God with our decisions, we can’t expect God to honor and bless ours…

Shit.

BGR can be such a mess sometimes. But as my “other anonymous” said before, it also is the one thing that most easily makes you hope… which sort of distorts our decision-making process, causing us to come to a bad decision.

I’ve started re-reading The Mystery of Marriage, because I realize that after so much talk lately abt Fiona, I’m getting very confused all over again abt the boundaries and the expectations that I had set down for myself abt a relationship. And actually, that turned out to be a really good decision. Cos it had a really therapeutic effect on me, helping me to calm down again, and see things from a more clinical perspective. It reminded me of a higher ideal that I had determined to set for myself and my future partner, and how much I wanted God to be a key factor in the relationship. (Actually, Henry and Bernice have really set a pretty high benchmark for me to follow oredi… Grins.)

Hehz… I remember a time when I was a little giddy over Jean, and how I struggled to not justify away the fact that she’s a non-believer. I think there were more than a handful of pple ard me whom while on one hand were teasing me abt her, would have prob scolded me if I had been more serious abt asking her out. But on my part there was a real struggle against the temptation to just give it a try la.

Mm… This season of Lent has been really powerful for me. From my rather apathetic spiritual state at the start of it, till we’re somewhere midway through it, the past few sermons have really resounded pretty deeply in my mind and heart. Today’s meditations is on disappointing God, and what it must have felt to Jesus after Peter denied him 3 times. Right on the heels of a rather bitter disappointment myself, I guess it becomes a very powerful lesson for me. Often times I fancied myself rather like a Peter, always the first to stand up for Christ eagerly, very rashly and brashly declaring an absolute and unwavering faith in him… only to betray and deny Him the very next instance.

Of course, the most difficult part is to keep remembering that, and not slip again.

Jean’s birthday is tmr, by the way.

Grins.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhh…

I love this song from Avalon. First stanza talks abt how “I could carry on” in the absence of things that matter, and the second stanza talks abt the opposite situation when I have everything… and they contrast it with a decision in the chorus of how carrying on or indulging in excesses would be absolutely meaningless if God wasn’t in the equation.

Simple enough idea, but profoundly poignant in my heart.

Can’t Live A Day
I could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many things
And I could carry on, but...

I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without You

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful and new
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my every wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything, oh yes
But if You weren't in it all...

Oh, Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh, Jesus, I have because You give
You're everything to me

Sold-Out

Recently Pastor Grace spoke at the service, and she spoke abt the 30 pieces of silver for which Jesus was betrayed. I never knew till then that 30 pieces of silver was the equivalent of a mere month’s pay. I also had never seen the significance of the contrast that was meant to be made when placed beside the lavishing on Jesus of the woman with the alabaster jar, whose offering was the equivalent of a year’s wages.

Recently in my conversation with Lijuan, I was sharing with her how jaded I’ve become sometimes, in the way I see the world. Everytime I decide to believe in someone, I get burnt. The one time I allowed myself to love I wasn’t merely hurt – I was scarred. I used to be grieved when hearing of friends who proved a disappointment, yet nowadays I seem to have conditioned myself to see it as something that was coming. And so I retreat into a protective shell, incapable of trusting and loving.

And after hearing it all very sympathetically, she asked me one question “Where do you see God in all this?” And I guess after my instinctive reaction of “Duh… huh???”, I realized that she had asked the right question. I’ve become so good at “coping” with life that I’ve pretty much forgotten how to enjoy it anymore. Somehow God has become a forgotten entity in my troubles. I don’t’ think she noticed it, but for just that brief instance, I had to control myself to stop from crying.

Pastor Grace’s sermon was really powerful on hindsight. Its true that I’ve often betrayed God on so much less. When it comes to the “big things” that are wrong, I am naturally averse to it. Instead, it is the small little things in my life that conspire to rob God of the consideration that he deserves in my life. Little compromises of white lies that I tell, indiscipline that I choose to ignore, or the lack of thoughtfulness and deliberations that are due to those around me… they slowly but steadily rob my life of the kind of dignity that befits someone who is meant to be God’s royal elect.

Instead of taking a good look at the state of my spiritual life, I’ve instead been fixating solely on things like my academic studies, my financial reliance, my unrequited affections, my lack of a career… etc.

Instead of giving a proportionate attention to these things in light of a life supposedly given over to God, I’ve sold Him out for these lesser things instead.

I guess tonight its time to let more than just Michael Card speak to me, but its time to seek God again… Just this morning at breakfast with Eric, I was talking to him abt how the older I get, the harder it seems to be to make scripture a joy in my life. Its so much easier to be edified by Christian songs, Christian books, and even sermon recordings. Its much easier when scripture has already been processed by someone else in the form of a book, a song or a sermon, so that we can turn our intended deliberations about God into a brainless activity, just absorbing what comes our way.

I guess its time for me to again start doing scripture memory…

Feeling So Lonely...

A few conversations with different people threw up this topic again, and even though I maintain my stand, the fact is I am alone in this.

I look to so many around me, and it seems like I'm the only one without...

































MSN.

Wuahahahahahaha...

And nopes, I still don't plan to get it. But thanks for trying, guys.

Like I always said before, I'll only get it if Fiona wants me to. So... until she knows abt my existence, you can get me on my handphone or email.

=)

Goodbye?

OMG. (Oh My Goodness!!! *winks*)

In the space of just one day since I posted the James Blunt song, and made a comment abt another one, I've had 3 comments made... and "Goodbye My Lover" was played during service today for the publicity clip!!! Hahahaha...

I really really really liked this song so much... and I really got the shock of my life in service... I had only just put up the song at night... and there it was, playing during the service today. Mm... mebbe it really is goodbye for me? Goodbye to Fiona? Tee hee.

I think worship went pretty well today, all in all. I was really quite worried, since I haven't felt in the right frame of mind for the longest time now, and was worried that again I'd unsettle myself when up there on the pulpit. But I felt a lot better this time round than the last few times. Didn't really feel so lost, my mind didn't really blank out, and on the whole I think the flow of songs and sermon went pretty well.

After that we had a good session of sharing in the Levites Ministry meeting. I think the book we're doing is really good in the sense that it isn't so deep as to get everyone all bogged down in theology... yet not so shallow as to make the study a waste of time... instead I think we got everyone to contribute a little, and share about their thoughts and feelings. I think Bernice brought out the questions very well!!!

Then we trooped off to Zhang Mu Shi's house for a study on the difference between Reformed Contemporary worship, and Contemporary Reformed worship. I think after almost 3 years together, our worship bible study group has managed to gain a pretty common understanding of each other, and so our discussions have become more and more fruitful, as well as proceed more smoothly. I've always enjoyed the sessions, but I think the current topic on the renewal of worship in our church has really excited me, as well as given me a lot to think abt worship in church... how much more there is to it when you're willing to sit down and consider the things we've always taken for granted abt it.

Ah well. All in all, I think I've really enjoyed today... very very very very tired now. Drank 4 cups of coffee already, nearly fell asleep on the way home. Had to go home myself cos my mom again messed up my plans. Sigh. I always tell myself this will be the last time I plan my time to suit my mom's, since she always messes it up anyway... but I still oblidge her everytime.

Dammit.

Talk abt stupidity and how it has no cure...

As I write this, Man Utd is leading Birmingham 2-0, so barring something really really dramatic, this is gonna more or less be a great day. Of course, I better go sleep now, before anything bad happens to spoil the day.

Grins.

Have a good start to the week, everyone!!!!

The Blunt Truth

I finally listened to the James Blunt CD... and I really liked it!!! Of course, the one song overplayed on the airwaves is "You're Beautiful". I didn't think it was anywhere near as intense as "Goodbye My Lover", which I fell in love with straight away.

But as I sat there wondering what was it that made "You're Beautiful" so popular, I couldn't help but feel that a fair part of it had to do with simply the lines that went:

You're beautiful
It's true

I saw your face
In a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I'll never be with you...

But it's time to face the truth
I will never be with you

I think of the many people out there who look at the one they worship, and think how unattainable he or she is... then they hear this song... and how they feel it basically sums up their life... no wonder they dig this song!!!!

I mean, there are way too many songs that speak of the unspeakable beauty of someone or another. Then they usually go on to express the sentiment along the lines of "I wish to spend the rest of my life with you". Its refreshingly honest, and heart-breakingly candid to have a song that expresses what too often turns out to be the reality - that after all that moping and pining, the loser still doesn't get the girl.

Shit.

For all the trash that I sprout on my blog, if I could just write lyrics like this, I'd be the one that's filthy rich. (Then there'd be girls singing this song and thinking abt me... Wuahahahahaha...)

Love Of This World

I met Pastor Lijuan for lunch today. I've really missed my chats with her, both sharing with her the things that are going through my mind, as well as the things that I'm going through. She's been a real pillar in the second service for the past 4 years, seeing us through the really rough moments till what we have today.

I was sharing with her abt how easy it is to become very jaded, in light of the many unhappy things that I always see around me, of the people you trusted who turned out to be such a disappointment, of so much cruelty and banality that humanity seems to be capable of... and how that very often leaves me wondering about why I should trust anything in my life to be able to turn out good. It thus paralyzes me from living, since it leaves me very much afraid that the minute I start to believe in anything again, it will invariably leave me hurt and disappointed.

Then after I shared with her all this, she reminded me of some of the spiritual giants of the past, the "desert forefathers" of the faith. Of how whenever they hear of more evil and more tragedy in the world, it drives them to have an even greater and deeper love for the people and the world. Therefore despite all that they see and hear abt what's going on around them, their response is always one of gentleness, of grief and of sorrow.

And that really got me thinking. Because I remember a time when I would grieve at hearing of bad news. I would react when I see news of poverty, of disaster, of injustice. After that, I would start to tell myself that its too tiring to live life like that. If I were to always allow myself to be overwhelmed with sorrow whenever I hear about injustice in the world, I'd die of exhaustion - both physical and emotional. So I start to harden my heart against it.

I do this by letting myself to first be overwhelmed with anger upon hearing the news. Then I can justify to myself that I need to control my anger, because it is not good to harbor resentment. Thus I force myself to not respond to it in anger, the end result being that I stifle my emotions from having a response at all. In due time, my heart gets hardened and conditioned to what goes on around me, and I find that I'm no longer as tender hearted as when I first started out.

I guess that's why love is always the much harder route to take. It takes a real man after God's heart, as well as a great amount of courage and determination to always respond with more love whenever we witness or hear abt the lack of love shown to those in this world.

To be able to recognize that when Jesus wept over Jerusalem, that was our example of how we need to react to a world that we similarly see as being headed for destruction.

I guess as I am doing my reflections this season of Lent, this has been the most fruitful lesson learnt.
And its no wonder that it came out of a conversation with Lijuan.

Shepherds have a way of leading their sheep to where the grass is.

Updates...

The past couple of weeks I’ve been somehow really really really restless, and have been unable to do much. Anytime I settle down, I feel like I need to walk around. Even when watching my beloved West Wing on the computer, I feel the impulse to surf the net, to reply emails, or just fiddle around a little.

Last week I walked the whole street of Orchard Road for 2 hrs straight, going up and down, down and up, just because I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting down somewhere, sitting still. I’m either really very very stressed out, going mad, or else just plain possessed.

Damn.

As a result, perhaps… I’ve been pretty much walling myself up. Aside from the couple of people that I’ve been emailing since I’m at home all the time, I haven’t really been in touch with the usual gang like I usually do. I instead just isolate myself, writing my journal, reading a book, cramming my notes, or else just pacing the house.

Xiying flies off tmr. Ah well. Managed to meet him twice whilst he was around, and even though I thought we crapped a lot, I did miss his presence. So it’s all good. Grins.

A particular chorus keeps ringing in my head lately, and its actually another in my list of golden oldies. I guess in this context I was thinking more about old friends that have come and gone in my life. People with whom I once shared a history with, who have now all but vanished from sight.

你走你的路
直到我们无法接触
我也许将独自跳舞
也许独自在街头漫步
你走你的路
用我无法追赶的脚步
我也许将独自跳舞
也许独自在街头漫步

Perhaps its my mind’s own way of telling me that as people get older, we all naturally take different paths. Been talking to different people abt different friends lately. With one, it was abt some of our common old friends who have changed. Friends who have moved on, or who don’t offer us the kind of commitment that we offer them, or who basically turned out to be a real disappointment. Then with another person we were talking abt friends in church who all seem to have either moved to another church, or have drifted away altogether from the church scene.

So we theorized abt why they left. We blamed it in differing priorities, and how it meant we ended up veering off in such different directions. We blamed it on a lack of proper support for everyone, causing them to end up finding their won way out of their problems – some good, some bad, but all leading in different ways. We acknowledged that as much as we blame others, we were equally at fault for having let go of some friends ourselves. After that we thought abt ways to remedy the problem, we discussed what solutions there might be to either bring them back or else ensure we don’t lose our current friends.

Yet at the back of my head, there was a part of me that somehow felt it was all an exercise in futility. I’m probably too jaded in saying this, but nevertheless part of me really felt that moving on is part of life. Its inevitable in class gatherings, so why not in church as well, where the social component of it is as relevant as in any secular setting? So even tho there is definitely room to stem an unhealthy outflow, why is it that in our discussions we always seem so reluctant to let go, and accept that moving on is sometimes part and parcel of life?

Ah well.

Shall not let this get too morose.

Just put down the phone only, now need to prep for worship practice tmr.

*gulp*

Also, you know how when you tell people something abt yourself you always feel a little nervous abt how its going to turn out? Well, that’s what I’m going through tonight also.

Need lots of prayer now. Lots and lots of prayer…

Foolish Thoughts

I’m so happy I finally got my internet connection back, I decided it warranted an entry.

And also, a return of the songs that always accompany my blog. I’ve specially chosen this one in honor of those I know out there who are in that stage of indecision of whether or not to go into a relationship with someone they’re crazy about.

Yes, you know I’m talking abt you!!!!

*wink wink*

Muahahahahaha…

I loved this song when I first heard it. It's cute. It's somehow damned real too. It made me wistful. It made me smile. Dammit.

Go ahead, go check out the lyrics!!

I almost ashamed to admit this, but I really really am a closet S.H.E. fan. They can’t really sing, but somehow their songs always pep me right up.

I’ve been having this really really bad neck problem that I dunno how to solve. I can’t really look down cos it really hurts a lot, and I’ve tried just abt everything, from muscle relaxants to changing my sleeping posture, from using Tempur pillows to sleeping early. Nothing seems to work, and it just aches like hell all day long. Its been like this for the past couple of months, by the way. Its like the menstrual cramps that won’t go away, except that its on my neck…

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!!

Yes, its also the reason why I’m still awake at 430am.

Ah well.

Had a good time today catching up with Xiying and Simon. Xiying’s only back for a week, and it was good to be able to actually talk to him face to face instead of replying to each other’s comments on his blog. Hehz… Of course, that idiot couldn’t stop throwing names in my face, of people that I should think abt dating, pushing me to give someone or another a try. I know he was doing it in jest, but part of me suspects that after he read my blog, he’s trying to fish for info, throwing names at me to see if I had any reaction.

But I’m waaaaaaaaaaaaay smarter than that!!!

Ha!!

Sorry.

Having a rather cranky night.

Hehz.

Anyway, abt my studies – I’m pretty slow now, dunno why. Lost a lot of my momentum. I dunno if I’m giving myself a lotta pressure. I know Paul’s gonna just laugh when he reads this… no way I’m giving myself too much pressure, he’d think. Idiot.

But seriously, I dunno what’s wrong with me. I’m feeling tensed, restless, my brain seems to freeze up whenever to hit my books, and I’m having a lot more trouble than usual trying to maintain my focus on things. Just tonight, while driving home, I twice caught myself letting my mind drift off.

My sister scolded me tonight for being too relational. Her philosophy has always been that there’s absolutely no one you can trust, in a world where even children can’t be trusted to maintain their parents in their twilight years. My philosophy has always been to revolve my life around a close community that I trust and keep faith with, to always be around to be my support, and for me to reciprocate in kind.

Think my sis was right after all? Even today with Xiying and Simon, we also spoke briefly on friends from the past that have all moved on. How we all used to be such a tight bunch, yet strangely enough it also didn’t’ really take much for all of us to just stop talking, and to just drift off. So who’s to say that those around me right now won’t end up doing the same? Why the effort and time invested to build and maintain friendships? Why the extra miles I go to sometimes to do things for friends on the spur of spontaneity?

(Damn, my mood just changed from being whimsical to being depressive. All in the space of the 15mins it took me to type thus far. Talk abt temperamental.)

I carried on reading The Zahir by Paul Coelho after all. Decided I shd at least finish it. I think he’s a really really cheap writer. Paul’s abt right when he describes Coelho as “Chicken Soup For The Soul”. There was nothing particularly fantastic abt his writing, his style, and I don’t really think he had any particular strong or defining feature in his writings. Its basically the equivalent of pop fiction.

But ah well.

The point I wanted to make is that there was one chapter where he wrote abt loneliness, that really hit home with me. Perhaps after my exams I’ll type out that short chapter. Cos it explains why so many of us do the silly things we do in our relationships, and why so many of us insist on carrying on down a path that we know is doomed – because if the alternative is to be alone, then we’d rather be stupid than be alone.

Not tonight, but there have been other nights when I’m up at this hour, wishing there was someone I could call to talk to, just to chase away the sudden onset of an oppressive feeling of loneliness. Someone who has pledged to go through my life experiences with me, one who has promised to be there for me when I need someone around, one whom I have in return pledged my whole person to as well.

So whatever else there was in the book that didn’t impress me, those 6 pages at least made reading the whole volume worth the read. Because it helped me crystallize a few thoughts on why we can be such silly creatures sometimes in the name of love – very often we’re not silly in the name of love. We’re silly in the name of fear.

We’re afraid of being lonely, so we choose to just be silly instead.

A Tale Of 2 Weddings

I got pretty wasted last night at Huiting’s party. It was a pretty fun dinner, spared all the usual frills of video presentations, games they played for the bride and groom, long speeches made by parents and friends of the couple, special items that always drags on for just too long… all that sorta thing. It gave the guests (in this case, me amongst others…) plenty of time to go between tables to catch up with old friends, to just fool around and have fun.

They were serving Shiraz, easily my fav red wine… and it was really pretty good, which would explain why I ended up drinking almost 4 glasses in total. After I finally got home, I had to pop two anti-histamines to ensure I don’t wake up in hives. Hehz… Might post up some pictures once I get hold of them. Grins.

The night before was at my mom’s fren’s daughter’s wedding. Yeah, take your time, read that last line again. Or I could have just said I attended the wedding of the daughter of my mom’s friend.

Anyway, it was full of pilots, since the groom was one… and they all had in tow really good looking girls. But aside from that, I had absolutely no one to talk to aside from my sis and Joseph Sim. Nearly suffocated from boredom. Went out of the ballroom halfway to call Paul, as a matter of fact. I was THAT bored.

That’s 2 wedding dinners in a row. After having drinks with Caleb and Co. on Saturday night as well, I don’t think I’ve ever been so sloshed over a weekend before. Fun as it may be, its time for a little self discipline now, and not over-do things.

Anyway, its back to the real word today. Xiying’s back, so we’ve been catching up in bits and pieces here and there. Yesterday the youth choir came down to do an item in our second service, and I think the only way I can think of to describe their repertoire is to borrow the term, “Shock and Awe”. I mean, they did fine… they did a pretty good job, as a matter of fact. But I felt that they basically exploded onto the stage, and the rest of us were never really properly prepped for what was coming next. But on the whole, I think I liked having them come down. The rest of the worship was led by Renji, followed by an awesome message from Rev Enhui. She used to be my mentor in fellowship, and I always had the greatest respect for her.

She spoke abt how little things we do that are at best marginally dubious can collectively add up to matter a great deal. How each time when we feel our conscience pricked only just a little, we are able to shrug it off and not think too much of how what we did is actually wrong… and how each time it happens, we crank up the heat on ourselves just a little more, until we become the proverbial frog who ends up being unknowingly boiled alive. It was a pretty powerful message, simple as it was.

I’ve been having a pretty mixed period of reflection this season of lent. I just can’t seem to settle myself down into a frame of mind, but am feeling very restless. No sooner than having settled down for a while, I’ll very soon again be feeling edgy and restless. And since nothing major is really going on in my life other than studying for exams, I dunno what’s gotten me all tensed up.

But its not a good state to be in, cos I dun get very much done while I’m like this, and with the exams implacably drawing near, and with still so much more to cover, I really think I’m gonna die…

Help…

The Parable

The Parable

            The man’s life was pleasant. So too was his worship. The two always go together.

God was not pleased. So He allowed the man’s life to become unpleasant.

The man responded at once with shock.“ How can this be? How could this happen in my life?”

Beneath the shock, the man was smug. But he could not see it. He thought it was trust. “This will soon pass. God is faithful. Life will again be pleasant.” His worship remained shallow.

God was not pleased. So He allowed more unpleasant things to happen in the man’s life.

The man tried hard to handle his frustrations well, like someone who trusted God. “I will be patient,” he resolved.

But he didn’t notice that his efforts to be patient grew out of the conviction that a pleasant life was his due. He did not hear his own heart saying, “If I’m patient, God will make things pleasant again. That’s His job.”

His worship became a way to convince God to restore his pleasant life.

God was not pleased. So He pulled back His hedge of protection around the man a little farther. The man’s life became miserable.

The man got angry. God seemed unmoved, indifferent, uncaring. Heaven’s door slammed shut. The man knew he could not pry it open.

He could think only of better days—not of better days coming, but of better days before, days that no longer were and that showed no signs of returning.

His highest dreams were a return to those days, to the pleasant life he once knew, when he felt what he had called joy.

He could not imagine a higher dream than going backward to what once was. But he knew life never moved backward. Adults never become children again. Old people never recover the energy of their most productive years.

So he lost hope. God had withdrawn His blessing, and there was no indication He would change His mind.

The man fell into depression. His worship stopped.

God was not pleased. So He released the forces of hell into the man’s life.

Temptations that formerly were manageable now became irresistible. The pain of living was so great that the pleasure the temptations afforded, relief really, seemed reasonable and necessary. But after the pleasure came a new kind of pain, a kind of pain that covered his soul with a fog that not even the brightest sun could penetrate.

The man could see only his pain. He could not see God. He thought he could, but the god he saw was one whose job is was to relieve pain. He could imagine this god, but he could not find him.

He addressed the only god he knew. He begged for help. Beneath his words of pleading he could almost hear what his heart was saying: “You owe me help. I will never believe I deserved all this to happen. This pain is not my fault. It’s yours.”

His worship had always taken the form of a demand, but now the demand was so obvious the man could almost recognize it.

God was not pleased. So He let the struggles continue. And God allowed new troubles to come into the man’s life.

In the part of the man’s heart that dreamed his greatest dreams, he had been certain he would never have to face these new troubles that were now in his life. For years he had said in his heart (without actually hearing it), “That could never happen to me. If it did, my life would be over. If that happened, I’d have no choice but to conclude that God isn’t good. I would have to dismiss God. And no one, not even God, could fault me.”

But still the man could not hear his heart speak. What he could hear was a seductive voice that made the worst temptation he had ever faced—to lose hope in God—seem noble, bravely defiant, the only way left for the man to find himself.

The battle waxed hot. But a flicker of hope remained. The man held on to his faith. Even as he did, he could not hear his heart saying, “I have every right to give up on my faith. But I’m choosing the truly noble way. I still believe in You. I still believe You’re there and that my highest hopes for joy—whatever hopes are left—lie with you. Does that impress you? If not, my God, what does?”

His worship was more desperate than ever. But it was still proud. God was not pleased. So He allowed the man’s trials to continue and his pain to remain unabated. God kept His distance from the man. He provided no comfort, no tangible reason to hope. It was difficult for God not to make everything better in the man’s life. It was even more difficult for Him not to appear directly to the man and assure him of His presence.

But He didn’t. God had a greater dream for the man than a return to a pleasant life. He wanted the man to find true joy. He longed to restore the man’s hope for what mattered most. But still the man did not know what that was.

The fog around the man’s soul thickened until he could feel it, like walls closing in. All that was left was mystery; there was fear certainly, even terror, but more acute was the sense of mystery, the mystery of a bad life and a good God.

Where was He? When the man became most aware of his need for God, God disappeared. It made no sense. Was God there or not?

If He was, did He care? Or didn’t He?

The man could not give up on God. He remembered Jacob. So he began to fight. But he fought in the dark, a darkness so deep that he could no longer see his dreams of a pleasant life.

In deep darkness, you cannot see. But you can hear. He could hear for the first time what his heart was saying. “Bless me! he cried. From his deepest soul, he could hear words reflecting a resolve that would not let go of God.

 “Bless me! Not because I am good, but because You are good. Bless me! Not because I deserve Your blessing, but because it is Your nature to bless. You really can’t help Yourself. I appeal not to who I am. You owe me nothing. I appeal only to who You are.”

He still saw his pain. But now he saw God. And the cry for blessing was no longer a demand for a pleasant life. It was a cry for whatever God wanted to do, for whoever He was. The man felt

something different. It was the beginning of humility. But the very fact of what it was kept him from seeing what it was.

The man had forgotten himself and discovered his desire for God. He did not find God right away, but he had hope, hope that he might experience what his soul most deeply longed for.

Then he saw it. Fresh water bubbled up from a spring in the desert of his soul, and he saw it.

It was a new dream. He could see its contours take shape. It was a dream of actually knowing God and representing Him in an unpleasant world. The dream took on a specific focus; he saw how he could know God and represent God to others in a way that was his way and not someone else’s. It felt like coming home.

He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness. He had never before felt grateful for his troubles.

His suffering became to him a doorway into God’s heart. He shared God’s pain in His great project of redemption. Suffering together for a single cause made him feel closer to God.

A new thought occurred to him.“I will join with whatever forces are opposed to the root of this unpleasantness. I will ally with goodness against evil. I will not wait to see more clearly; what my hand finds to do, I will do. But I will stay close to the spring. My soul is thirsty. A pleasant life is not water for my soul; whatever comes from God—whoever God is—this is the only true water. And it is enough.”

The man worshiped God, and God was pleased. So God kept the water bubbling up out of the spring in the man’s soul. When the man didn’t drink every morning from that spring or return every evening to drink again, his thirst became intolerable.

Some things in his life got better.

Some things stayed the same.

Some things got worse.

But the man was dreaming new dreams, greater dreams than a pleasant life. And he found the courage to pursue them; he was now a man with hope, and his hope brought joy.

God was very pleased. So was the man.

- Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams

Spilling My Guts

One thing that I always question about myself is my instinct. No matter how much I remind myself of the number of times my intuition has proven itself to be wrong, I inevitably find myself again relying on what gut says. So whether it be a harsh criticism of someone that proved unwarranted, faith in someone who ultimately didn’t deserve it, disappointment that resulted from a misplaced or false hope, or even the unexpected joy that rose from the ashes of a dream I thought had gone to dust, I continue to live my life by something I can’t ever fathom or explain.

I remember the first time I ever had a serious crush on a girl. We got along really well, and there was nothing we couldn’t talk about. We would talk on the phone every day, and she always tells me how much she appreciates our friendship. On my part, everything was leading right up to my plucking up the courage to tell her how I felt. Even a few of our common friends told me I should give it a try... Until now I’m still not sure whether or not I shd have reacted in bitterness or with thankfulness when she told me she just got attached to another guy it turned out I knew. After all, I was no more than days away from deciding to express my feelings for her. Grins.

That was a major blow to my dependence on my instinct.

Of course, there’ve been times when things played out the other way. So often I looked at a problem with an all too familiar sense of fatalism and told myself how hopeless the situation was, even before I had actually properly assessed the details. It meant that I would just give up without a fight, leaving it to those around me whom I would brand as “people who blindly live in denial of reality” to press on. And often enough, I would be the one blushing away when all my pessimism which I had insisted upon as a realistic perspective proved to be false.

And I guess it makes me wonder what is it that still causes me to choose to rely on my instinct. Maybe its because I really suck at thinking through a situation. Maybe I’m just too lazy to sit down and do that. Maybe its because I don’t believe myself to be able to make a well-weighted decision anyway, and so just decide to go by my gut feel. Whatever the case, I’ve been trying harder to think through things carefully before I make decisions nowadays, instead of letting my hunches get the better of me. And I think I’m better off for it, given just how little thought I usually give to things.

For instance, I seldom look at maps when I navigate an unknown area. I get the general direction from someone who knows the place, then I like to just ‘feel’ my way there, even if it means making a few extra turns, and walking a few more minutes.

So why am I mentioning this here? Because I’ve had a few decisions to make recently that troubled me a little. And each time I sat down to think abt things, I find that my instincts always went against the grain of prudence and wisdom. And I realize that my nature is such that I will always have a natural inclination towards obeying my instinct above and good advice my brain might be offering.

And that’s pretty worrying.

I should never ever accept my intinct’s decisions on any matters more important than what to have for lunch. Otherwise I’m really gonna be screwed.

Hehz.

I Love My 音乐日记！

我喜欢打篮球的你。
我喜欢会发呆的你。
我喜欢弹吉他的你。
我喜欢吗我无聊的你。
我喜欢咬指甲的你。
我喜欢在电话傻笑的你。
我喜欢搞笑的你。
我喜欢犹豫不决的你。
我喜欢试穿牛仔裤五次的你。
我喜欢听我牢骚的你。
我喜欢这么多，这么多的你。
你又会把我放在你心中的哪里呢？

不知道已经有多久的时间没听到“音乐日记”了。记得以前在 Reuters 工作时，每天早上十一点半我一定会准时听这个节目。不过现在，一半是睡不醒，而另一半也许是因为久了兴趣也冷淡了，就慢慢的没去听这个节目了。

今天刚好再出门的路上，看到手表上的时间是十一点半，就拿起了耳机，再次地听这个节目。啊！还真有点想念它！

有时听到这些故事时，心里就不知道怎么的，会有一些的反应。听到一个辛酸的故事时，心中就会庆幸自己其实是那么地幸福。听到了别人一些的诉苦时，有时候也会偷偷的在心里点点头，跟写信的人深有同感。听到了一些美满结局的故事时，又一边感到自己的情绪被挑了起来，一边在心里默默地问自己何时才轮到我。

但不管故事是凄惨，或是美满，在当中所被表达出来的情绪我多多少少都能够找到认同。听这些故事往往在我心情低潮时、感到孤独时，提醒我其实我不寂寞，在外头起码有一个我虽不相识的人但却能体会我感受的人。我也就因着这样，得到了安慰。

这整个星期什么也没去做，就只是专心读书，心中虽是比较定了下来，但却难免会情绪低潮一点。今晚去接了一位从美国回来的朋友，和他家人一起凌晨一点去吃宵夜，闲聊，还真是有趣。

这一两个星期也不知为什么的，突然整个人觉得懒散了许多，不能够集中精神去做任何事。我看也许这个星期逼自己留在家里，好让自己能够定下心来，也是一件好事。但愿下个星期起能够再次专心，全力以赴的读好书！

Little Pockets Of Life

I’ve recently had a rash of anonymous geniuses all deciding to try and have a go at me. Read the bold print, pple. HYPOTHETICAL!!!! And yes, to the 2 annonymous-es that I know, thanks a lot ah…

But I’ve certainly been having my share of ‘exciting’ stuff going on lately, and I guess such tabloid trash keeps my utterly mundane and monotonous study life somewhat livable. It seems that after going through a season of seeing a lotta my friends break up, its nice to see some of them slowly finding for themselves new… options. And given how in quite a few cases, I know both of them, its twice as exciting to see the budding of these relationships. Its also good in the sense that such are the times that I get to talk more with them, since the onset of falling in love always involves the impetus to talk abt it with someone. Grins. And its been pretty fun, sharing with each other abt the “I’ll tell you when mine begun if you’ll tell me when yours begun” thing.

Ah well. Hopefully, its not just more of my vicarious existence.

Tee hee.

*************************************

I’ve been a good boy the past 2 days, staying home and studying. Its been a little bit more bearable (heat-wise) lately, and I also didn’t really feel like going out. Its also something that turns out to be really good for my wallet. Hahahaha…

I discovered that my sis has finally emptied out her table and it is now pretty clear. So if I turn on the aircon in her room, I can alternate between studying on her desk and napping on my bed. All in all, it’s a pretty good arrangement, and I’m pretty pleased with it.

Unfortunately, my family’s usually out nowadays for the day… so it means I’ve been having instant noodles for lunch. It’s a fully-carbo diet, which totally explains why I’ve put on abt 3kg since my sister’s wedding. (Yes, I’ve checked that the scales were accurate. I couldn’t believe it myself!!!!!)

*************************************

With Julia having just left on Sunday, and Xiying coming back this fri, I’m also suddenly left wondering where in the world is my dear Eric Ng. The last time I heard from him was almost 2 months ago, when he said “I’ll reply your email next week.” There’s only so many times I can pull that “I’m thinking of getting back with Grace” thing before that wears really thin.

Grins.

*************************************

2 wedding dinners this weekend, so the whole weekend is officially burnt. Its quite a bummer, actually, esp my sat nights. I’ve come to really look forward to it as either time I get to spend with pple in the worship ministry, or else just the evening that I take off to do what I wanted to do all week. Shop. Be alone. Catch up with friends I don’t do as often with. It was my time, my space. I wouldn’t mind it so much if it’s a wedding dinner for someone I know. But when its for a girl that I haven’t spoken 2 sentences with, but obligatory to go since my parents are terribly close to hers, then I really don’t have too much choice in the matter. I just hope that they don’t start later than 9, and they don’t end later than 11. I’m tempted to bring a book, but I think my parents would rather I sit at the table and look interested in all the meaningless conversations that go around.

Sunday night is Huiting’s wedding. I’m wondering who else will be at my table. At least I can be pretty confident that I’ll be sitting with friends.

Some of the most mortifying experiences I’ve ever had with wedding dinners include those where I ended up sitting at a table whose average age (including me) works out be abt 60, or being sat at the single’s table… worse off is the table where my friend obviously is trying to pair everyone off. Then there’ve been the religiously silent tables I’ve been at, and those where the whole table only speaks to their partners and totally ignores everyone else. The better ones would include this time round where everyone was trying too hard to be polite, and none of the dishes were finished off, because everyone was trying to leave some of everyone else.

I think wedding dinners can be a most interesting study of different behavioural patterns. Sit the people in different groups, and see how they interact and behave differently in each setting.

Ah well. With so many couples getting married this year, and the promise of many many more to come over the next few years, I’ll have chances enough to observe and explore.

*************************************

Was gonna say that I was told to sleep at 2am via sms, and I was about to do that. Then my phone rang, and I’ve been talking till now. So its time to finally post this entry, hit the showers, then sleep. I told someone else at 0030 that I’d be hitting the showers, so I guess I’ve been a little slow to be true to my word tonight.

Hehz…

Ah well.

The Good Life

Yeaps.

Life is good. Man Utd just beat Newvastle by 2 Rooney goals, whilst Arsenal beat Liverpool with 2 classic Henry goals. Congrats to Arsenal for having pulled off the sensational signing of Steven Gerard!!!

So the pathetic red club did the Red devils a huge favour, whilst at least retaining some hope for themselves of qualifying for Europe next season.

Also, it was so cool today while we jogged. Just not too long ago I blogged abt how much I missed playing in the rain. And when we were inside MacRitchie, it really started to rain!!! =)

Today I read something really interesting. Paul Coelho, in his book “The Zahir” (Yes Edmund, I decided to pick it up and read it cos you piqued my curiosity), has this man saying that “Our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives.”

Perhaps a tad harsh and one-sided… but I really could see where he was coming from. As hard as it is to really mourn with a grieving friend, I think its even harder to be genuinely pleased to see a friend doing so well in life, esp when your own life has been less than satisfactory. Whether it’s a wistful feeling, a jealous twitch, or even the irrational impulse to wish him ill, it is so much easier to commiserate with someone whose own life is in equal turmoil. Maybe its just because I really am by nature a petty person, with nary an ounce of generosity in my heart… but its really hard for me sometimes to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Don’t get me wrong. Good news from those dear to me, ranging from good academic results, to news of a promotion or even news of marriage always gives me a lot of joy. Yet there is also always the feeling that the joy that comes out of me for my friend is “tainted” or “corrupted” with the wistfulness that would inevitably follow. And sometimes, the jealousy that wells up is almost a knee-jerk response that I couldn’t help, leaving me to ask myself when I’ve had time to reflect on my own reaction, just how small a man am I really. Joy is meant to be innocent, unconditional and selfless. And for one prone to the more jaded and dark tendencies of the heart, I find that any joy I might bear for the fortunes of my friends are forever tainted, and I’m never able to get past myself and just be genuinely and absolutely happy for their sake alone.

It made me think of what Jesus said, that “greater love has no man than this, that he would lay down his life for a friend.”

Of course, this probably wasn’t what he was specifically talking abt… but I couldn’t help but think that love for someone always means the putting to death of self – and it doesn’t always have to take on a physical form. Of course, if you go the second mile to actually give your life for someone, then there really isn’t anything else that anyone could have asked of you. Yet in the everyday of living, learning to show love in a selfless manner to those around us… that would indeed be a challenge. Josiah Barlettt of The West Wing once said “We need more heroes, and less martyrs. A hero would willingly die for his country, but he’d much rather live for it.”

I guess living the Christian life takes quite an act of heroism.

P.S. I'm taking the songs on my blog out for a while, cos I'm dangerously close to exceeding my bandwidth. Service will resume in a couple of weeks or so I guess. Enjoy one of my all-time favorite poems in its place, till the music returns!!

My Ego Trip

Someone recently asked me if I’m still in the “moping after Grace” state of mind. Dammit. Do I really look so darned weak?

I still mention her in my conversations because I shared 4 long years with her. That’s a lot of memories, and a lot of things that I experienced with her by my side. So when I recount the past, her name naturally comes up. I see no need to hide it. Of course, once I start building new memories with Fiona after she discovers my existence, you’ll hear Grace’s name less and less. (Speaking of which, I’m glad to see someone’s “Operation Fiona” taking off so well… Muahahahaha)

Tee hee.

Anyway, I’ve still got people coming up to me abt my “Who Says I Talk Too Much” entry. Some said it was funny, many keep asking which comment referred to them (the hardest part was telling some of them that they actually didn’t feature in my thoughts at all… Hehz…), and on the whole everyone seemed to have something to say abt it.

Ah well. Just now in the shower, it got me thinking abt something else that I could post up there anonymously, and I wondered what sort of reaction would I get. So, lemme just state that the following is purely hypothetical. Repeat: purely hypothetical. (Yes, I’m talking to all you idiots who are smirking right now, with your presumptuously knowing smiles…)

Here goes:

“You probably never noticed it, but I’ve liked you for some time now. Everytime we met up, either to study, pray, worship or just have dinner, my heart always skips a beat when you looked at me. I have no idea how it started, or even when… I just know that by the time I realized how much I’ve fallen for you, it was too late.

I guess this time it is just the same as my previous relationship. No one would ever believe that it’d be you. “Its so wrong!!!’, many would say. “You two are so different!!!”, other would agree. And on the whole, there are many who would predict that if we did end up together, it would end the same way as me and Grace did. But I would dearly love to give it a shot, and I would whatever I can to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes.

But I guess you’ll never know how I feel, since we live such separate lives and I don’t know when we’ll meet again. But if ever you do know how I feel, and you actually feel the same… let me know.

I’ll be waiting.”

There.

Now, the one thing I just can’t figure out, is exactly which situation would traumatize me more, and which situation would please me more – If no one actually responds, or if more than one responds.

Muahahahahaha…

Waiting For Me

Today I was just wondering abt waiting. I was waiting for an email to come because I needed it to be able to settle some things, and unfortunately the email I was waiting for never got through. It means I waited for half an hr in vain, and it also means that I wasn’t able to finish what I wanted to do.

Its seems we spend our whole lives waiting for something to happen, doesn’t it? As kids, we keep waiting to grow up so we won’t be treated as a kid anymore. And slowly, as we transit into a grown-up, we keep waiting for the moment when we come of age, and actually start feeling like an adult. And by the time we reach that stage, (I’m told) we start waiting for the day we can retire ourselves from adult responsibilities. And when we retire ourselves from these responsibilities, we wait to die.

As a Christian, we are called to wait for Christ’s coming. In our spiritual walk, we are called to wait for God to move in His time, we are called to wait upon Him, and more often than not we seem to be waiting for all our hard work and labor-of-love to bear fruit in our ministries. We keep waiting for the other side to understand us and our situation, thus waiting just about forever to heal the divisions that exist in every church.

As a single, we wait for our soulmate to come along. When he/she comes along, we wait to be noticed. Then we wait for the reciprocation. Then we wait the appropriate interval before getting married. In the event that things don’t work out, we again repeat the cycle from scratch.

Between friends, we wait for each other to show up for our appointments, we wait for the other party to be the first to apologize, we wait to see how they treat us before we decide how much to invest in return for the friendship. We tell ourselves a true friendship needs to stand the test of time, so we wait and we wait before we call someone a good friend.

In our careers we can’t wait to start work to get out of the dreariness of studying, and we can’t wait to start earning our own money. Subsequently we start waiting for the next best job opening to become available because we question if we’re really happy with what we have. Then we wait to climb the career ladder after we’ve finally settled somewhere. Then we wait to finally retire because we’re tired of working so long. Then we realize that we still need to work after retirement, and so just end up waiting to die.

I guess perhaps that’s why we all feel like our lives are so unfulfilled. Because we’re always waiting for the next thing to happen, we’re always expecting a little more out of our lives. Some call it “looking forward”, while in a different light its called “discontent”.

I like how Colin Hay puts it, “I’m waiting for my real life to begin”. I put up the version sung by the cast of Scrubs, since even as I was writing this entry the song came naturally to mind. The episode was talking abt a patient who was about to die at any moment unless she had a heart transplant, and she was saying that even as she continues to give her all to fight for her life, part of her is very tired that she will always have to go through life being denied a full part of it by reason of her heart condition. She told her doctors that in a way she was ready to die, so that she could perhaps finally live her real life.

And on many days that’s how a heavy heart of mine feels. I’m waiting. Waiting for my real life to begin. Anyone who has waited for news of a loved one gone missing, or one who has waited before for the reciprocation of his/her feelings will understand just how painful waiting can be, and is.

Oh, you’ll have good days when you feel like life is finally moving along (and it probably is!!), but there are days when it feels like a mirage on the dusty road ahead, and that you’re still headed absolutely nowhere.

*Shrug*

Maybe its just me.

But I think I know too many out there who don’t know why life is so painful.

At least, I know.

I Need A Brain-Wash

What do you do to get stuff off your mind?

I wonder.

One way is to live in denial, and just tell yourself things will get better enough times till you honestly believe it. Or even worse, convince yourself that it never was a problem in the first place, that its alright, then get yourself to totally buy into the lie.

Alternatively, you could distract yourself. That could take the form of many things. Movies, games, friends, hobbies (most guys use porn, as a matter of fact…), sports… etc. A popular option appears to be ironing clothes. Quite a few of my friends tell me they start ironing their clothes when they’re bothered by something. (I used to tell them that I’ll send them my clothes first if I have any distressing news for them.)

I like to write them down. After I’ve somehow crystallized my thoughts into some form of order, I find myself more able to actually see things clearly. And sometimes by framing them a certain way, I allow a particular bias to take centre-stage, thus dictating my response. Of course, even if things look really bad, putting it down somewhere helps, the same way as telling a friend would. I’ve managed to ‘unload’ my pent up frustrations, my fears, my obsessions… etc. All this helps preserve my sanity for that much longer, till the next time I can’t take it anymore and again seek solace such writings.

Unfortunately, with this blog increasingly entering the domain of public reading (For example I finally figured out who my “Other Annonymous” is… and I had no clue he was even reading this!!!!), the more I feel there is a responsibility on my part to be careful in my choice of words, so as not to either inconvenience anyone, inadvertently betray someone’s trust, make public some things that are meant to only be shared amongst closer friends, or otherwise just too plain embarrassing to let so many pple know. Thus, I’ve again started writing in my journal.

Of course, that creates in me a certain anxiety, because therein contains some of my most private thoughts, which I didn’t even dare to put down here when I had thought it was a blog no one knew of. And given how often I misplace things, or leave things behind, I’m rather paranoid abt the things inside ever being found out by anyone. So… Hehz… I decided to put my paranoia down here, to alleviate some of it.

Past couple of days, I’ve been down at Rulin’s place, baking both muffins and a cheesecake. Both things turned out remarkably well, all things considered. Both nights Edmund was ard, and tonight Paul joined us too. We ate, drank and talked, and I guess it was a good time to unwind from some pretty heavy-hearted weeks that I’ve had in Feb. But it increasingly confirms that I’m going through a phase now in my life where I’m finding back a lot of my old friends. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good or bad thing, but at least I’m very sure that seems to be the season I’m going through.

But at least so far I’m enjoying it.

My dear Enhan goes into NS tmr… and I guess I’m not half as worried as his gf, or his family. Somehow having gone through the system yourself, you know it isn’t half as bad as the urban legends you hear abt NS making or breaking a man. At the heart of it all, NS is as much a life-changing experience as Poly or Uni can be. Some will change drastically, others will emerge totally unscathed.

We talked a lot abt relationships. And I think I’ve been trying very hard to run away from that topic since the turn of the year. Whether its abt resolving my issues with Grace, or my search for my “Fiona” as some smart-asses have been going on about, or “loneliness and the search for a soulmate” as Xiying summarizes it, I’ve tried to ignore it when it creeps up. Mostly because I felt I needed to take a break to clear my head, because I was getting too raveled up in my own thoughts. Secondly because I didn’t want to let my life be so caught up in this one aspect of my life that I forget how there’s a lot more to my life that I should not neglect as well. Thirdly because the more I thought about it, the more I come to see the futility of such thoughts, and I’m rather not be bogged down forever in a vicious circle.

So following the past two nights, as well as my little exchanges with Xiying on his blog, suddenly it seems that this impasse in my life again rears it (ugly) head.

Which brings me back to what I asked at first – what do you do to get things off your mind?

Worst thing is how it rears its head at a time when I think I can ill afford it, since I need to be studying. But its like birds that fly over your head – you never see them coming, and when they do there’s nothing you can do abt it.

The Truman Blog (Part 2) – Resolution

It seems that my Truman Blog entry much earlier on generated some responses that wasn’t what I expected. So I thought I shd explain things a little.

No, I’m not pissed at Der Biao or anyone who inadvertently ended up distributing my blog address, either deliberately or otherwise. Its unfortunate that it seems like I’m singling him out. I’m not. And I apologize if it seemed that way, cos its not really fair to him. And no, I’m not pissed at you also if you found my blog and have been reading it without my permission or knowledge. After all, if I really had insisted upon such privacy, I would have gone ahead and installed a password. Its just that I had figured it wasn’t too big a deal if a couple others chanced upon it by accident, and by the time I realized too many people had it, I figured I’d just modify the content, or else be more careful in what I put down.

So… yes. Regarding what I left off with in that entry, I’ve decided to go on being a media whore, and let this blog continue to exist if nothing else than for the sole purpose of whining for people to read… that way they can’t blame me for whining… cos they chose to read this trash. Grins.

Anyway, this was sparked by an overseas call from my dear Xiying… who went on to shock me by announcing he’s read my blog. So… join me now in welcoming him to this little I-Have-So-Much-Free-Time-To-Waste-I-Can-Afford-To-Read-This-Rubbish community that I know. *clap clap clap clap*

Ah well. It was a pleasant experience, hearing from him. His first call to me in more than half a year since he left. I mean, we’ve only known each other for more than 10 years… so having already received an email and a phone call from him in more than half a year… so generous of him!!!!

Grins.

Ah well. I shall be less snide.

Anyway, this day started really badly for me. I kept having more of my horrific dreams where a certain someone was apparently very pissed at me, and I kept feeling the full weight of her displeasure again and again. When I finally got up, I took a shower and proceeded to cut myself quite deeply with the shaver. (There goes my handsome face… Hehz…) That’s on top of the crappy headache that I got because of a stiff neck that’s plagued me the last couple of days.

Felt very slow today in my studies. I’ve always struggled with Classical Sociology theory, and so I was having a really hard time. Downed two panadols and three cups of coffee. Still covered less than 2 chapters the whole day. I did lunch in the afternoon with my family at Hyatt Hotel’s Mezza9. Was a disappointment, really. My customary Caeser Salad nowadays for lunch when dining with family was a disaster. I think Café Cartel does a comparable toss. But ah well. At least now I know better.

So, Kudos to Xiying for calling me today. The only highlight in an otherwise pretty dreadful day, where not much went well.

Ah well.

Good news is, I have Thursday to look forward to. We’re meeting Julia for dinner!!! And Saturday is Gabriel’s birthday!!!!

=)

Can You Read Chinese??

在相遇的城市迷失之前，寻找一张似曾相识的脸。

握在手中的风筝段了线。

是因为我寂寞你才出现，还是你的存在让我自怜？缘分走过我身边，变成答录机遥远的留言。

甜蜜在梦幻的一瞬间留下了真实的思念

一段情就能连接两个人的天，一条路就能让两个人刹那之间命运都改变。只要愿意相信就能相见。一滴泪就能挡住两个人的天，模糊我的视线。呼唤着你名字从起点回到原点… 两条平行线总有交会的一天

是命运在转变你才出现，还是你的出现让我改变？

一个巧合的意外变成一场最执著的迷恋。



These are actually lyrics from a song. From the movie 向左走，向右走。And boy, did I fall in love with them right away!! You know, if there's one thing that chinese songs can do which english songs seldom accomplish, it is to pack so much imagery into a few words.

I guess I really didn't have a point to make. Just thought I'd post it as prose first, and let you guys marvel at how it actually was written into such an amazing song.

I'm in love!!!! (With the song, for all you kaypohs out there who have lately been filling the columns of tabloid trash with speculations of me.)

Ermz...

Guys, the fun of it all is in its ambiguity. So quit asking if this or that comment applies to you...
(Hmm... if you suspect I'm talking abt you, then even if it wasn't originally meant for you, you can still do some self-reflection eh? Of course, that doesn't apply to the comments made to Fiona or my parents!!! Grins.)

As Weixiu so succintly put it... Let's all play Whose Line Is It Anyway!!!

The last time I generated so much response from a blog entry was when I talked abt losing weight. Never imagined this would draw such a high response. And I'm guessing its because you guys wanted to know how I felt abt you!!!

Ha!

Who Says I Talk Too Much?????

So I sat down today to study at SMU, as I have for the past few days. I was just appreciating the silence of the library today, which for some strange reason was very quiet. So I had a really good time there. But as luck would have it, the minute I tell myself its gotta be my lucky day, along comes a group of hyenas (read: girls), who felt the need for the whole universe to hear what they were talking about.

Right there and then the thought came into my head rather indignantly “And them buffoons have the cheek to say I talk to much. Wait till they meet these geniuses.”

And in honor of that, I have compiled a list of things that I perhaps should have said, but didn’t. (Well technically, after putting it down here its been said… But of course, each comment is for someone particular, and I’m not naming names here. So… Grins.) Of course, the list contains plenty that I didn’t say, which turned out to be the right decision to make too. In other words, I actually either didn’t have the guts to say it, or else was lucky to not have blabbed out something that would get me in a lot of trouble.

To People In Church:
· Everytime I see you in church, I rehearse carefully what to say to you, then walk over. But by the time I get to you, its been more or less reduced to a smile and a wave.
· I wanted to ask for your name and apologize for having taken so long to do so, I found it too embarrassing and so continued to ignore you.
· I noticed you for a long long time already, and always thought we could have been good friends. But it would feel really awkward to just go up to you and ask to be friends without the right context to do so.
· What you’re wearing to church is a little inappropriate, don’t you think?
· Is it too much to ask that you show up ten minutes before service starts? In more than one year since I started counting, you’ve never been on time.
· You know, when you appear so laid back during sermon and look so disinterested during worship, its hard for me to get into the right frame to worship when I sit beside you.
· I think we’ve worshipped in this church together for more than 5 yrs already, but there still seems to be a ten foot wall between us.
· I see you every week in service. We laughed, we joked, we even served together. Yet until now all I really know about you is your name and your gender.
· Thanks for always being so responsive when I lead worship. Its not an ego thing, but looking at you gives me confidence, and settles me down for the rest of the time I’m up there.
· I know this sounds really dumb and thick skinned, but I never did dare to talk to you more because you’re female and I was afraid you might get the wrong idea.
· Not that I mind, but I never did know where you got the idea that you and I are really good friends, and know each other really well. At least, I don’t think I know you that well.
· Oops. I never knew he was your brother.
· Go away!!!
· Prayer requests? Pls pray for me, cos right now I’m having a really hard time believing that God loves me, or that He’s even real.
· I really don’t like him. I just couldn’t tell you at first because it would be wrong to speak derogatorily of others, esp in church.
· I actually really don’t feel like going for your wedding, but was afraid you’d take it the wrong way.
· I actually would love to be friends with you. But right now I really don’t know what else to say to you to keep the conversation going.

Friends Closer To Me:
· Sometimes it seems we have an almost telepathic understanding of each other. But right now you’re like someone I don’t recognize, and wouldn’t even want to know.
· I once cried when I dreamt that you died.
· Its very hard for me sometimes, when our familiarity causes you to assume that we share the same opinion on some issues. I wish you’d check with me.
· I suddenly feel very lonely when I’m with you, when you keep talking abt your new friends.
· Hey, I’d give you my kidney too, if the Govt allowed it!!!
· I know that always tell me you value me as a friend. But I think we both realize that deep down inside, both myself and my opinions are not held in high regard or esteem. And I guess to me it makes the friendship hypocritical at worse, superficial at best. I mean, its hard to really be friends with someone whom you don’t respect and hold in regard.
· You know how you’re keeping something from me and pretending nothing’s going on? Its actually very obvious. I know. Because I can tell that you know when I do the same thing to you.
· One thing I’ve never learnt to say properly is “I’m sorry”, and “Thank You”. But I really am, and I really do.
· Its embarrassing to let you know just how much your opinion matters to me.
· You know, we used to have our silly and temperamental arguments. It sounds stupid, but I wonder if its really a good sign that we don’t do that anymore.
· It disturbs me when you hang out with people I don’t like, and it upsets me when you don’t like the people I hang out with.
· You know, between you and that other close friend of mine, I’m afraid I rank you lower in terms of priority. And I’m sorry. But someone’s gotta be second.
· I once fancied us together. But when we were talking and the topic came up, you totally trashed the idea while I just held my peace. The rest is history.
· I feel like letting us drift apart a little for just a while. I feel like I need some space.
· You know, I’m always the one who’s calling or messaging you. Otherwise I just don’t hear from you all week. What’s up man? Are we still friends?
· I actually don’t think your relationship is going to work out, but you’re probably not going to listen anyway. My sis was right!!!
· You wanna just one day go with me to play in the rain and get soaking wet? I miss the days when we did that.
· I actually know already, but if you keep pretending like nothing’s going on, then I guess we can just keep talking superficialities.
· I can’t remember the last time I caught a movie with you.
· Erm, you still owe me some money, actually.
· I was kindda hoping you’d insist. I like to make a friend insist just so that I don’t feel like I’m imposing, or placing an unwanted obligation on someone.
· Just shut up, damn it.
· You know, this seems to be one of those days when our signals just don’t seem to cross, and we don’t get each other. It feels damn silly to pretend to be chummy when we obviously don’t seem to be connecting.

My Fiona:
· I secretly love it when people mention you and me, no matter how much I make a joke of it.
· I actually wrote you a hundred cards telling you how I felt towards you, then tore them all up and wrote another one saying “Praying For You”.
· I resolved many times to move on from you, esp if I don’t plan to do anything about it. But one look at you and my resolve disappears,
· I did a google on you before, just to see if anything shows up.
· Ever noticed that I hardly ever say no to you?
· I don’t get it. Why you?????
· I’ve pictured so many scenarios till I lost count, of how I could tell you how I felt. But every one of them starts with you being the first to say you feel the same.
· Pls tell me you don’t know anything.
· Pls tell me you actually know.
· My biggest fear? You coming up to tell me you fell for someone… and it isn’t me.
· Sometimes, I can’t stand you.
· You know how I was having a really down-in-the-dumps day back then? I was on cloud nine after you called me, out of the blue.

My Parents:
· Eventually, you’re gonna have to make up your mind whether or not I’m grown up already.
· You do realize that most of the things I do such as keeping things from you, I actually picked up from you?
· Thanks guys. Now I know why I think getting married takes either incredible guts or unbelievable stupidity.
· I don’t mind doing things for you guys. But I plan my schedule for the day, so you gotta tell me these things in advance!!!!!
· Someday I swear I’m either sending you to the Old Folks’ Home, or checking in to stay there myself. Ugh!!
· Thanks for being so sweet. I know its weird to tell you guys that, but… erm… yeah.
· Not a single day has gone by in 27 years when I don’t hear you complaining about something. You know how hard it is to overcome such brainwashing and start being a person who gives thanks? (I mean, just check out the rest of this blog man!!!)
· I know you didn’t really approve of Grace. But if I ever find another girl, I don’t really trust you guys to be honest abt it this time. And that sucks.
· You know, I see other parents who are friends with the friends of their kids. I’ve never heard you bother abt any of my friends, or at least think well of them.

Okie, that’s more than enough stuff for tonight. Just a sample of the many many many many many things that I’ve kept my mouth shut on. So don’t you ever dare say again that I’m a big mouth who talks too much!!!

For Better Or Worse

I watched The Contsant Gardener tonight. After that I took a drive down to Sembawang Park, with a few things running through my mind. I had a really peaceful hour to myself, before some people fishing there turned rowdy and a fight erupted right before my eyes. Right there, less than 10 metres away from where I sat. So much for peace and tranquility.

The movie was great. With all the recent attention given to pharmaceutical companies and their drugs, its little wonder someone made a film abt these drug companies. I still remember way back in an episode of The West Wing, they also raised an issue such as this. Aside from the obvious issues of exploitation, of how needy the third-world countries are, of the realities of politics in reaching out to them, I was left wondering abt the couple who were central to the story. The husband suspected his wife was committing adultery, and what started out as a journey of discovery ended as a quest for redemption, as he sought to redeem himself for having failed his wife in doubting her.

I started thinking back to the many many families I hear abt, of husbands and wives who committed adultery, some even serial adultery. And I wonder if its ever possible to forgive. In my last post, I mentioned how I would find it almost impossible to forgive someone who turned out to have violated a core principle/value in my life. At best I would be able to repair the friendship to a point that we could even be chummy. But a chasm would have developed, that would not close up. More than one have said to me before that they would not be able to tolerate it if their partner ever fails them.

And yet, that is the one thing a marriage can’t afford to do. A friend, no matter how close, remains an outsider. That’s why there is a distinction between “family” and “friends”. Up to the point that you start your own family, they remain the most fundamental element in your life. When you do marry, that family is said to have expanded. You don’t switch allegiance. And so what happens when a family member has betrayed you?

“For better or for worse”, so the vows claim. So every couple vow. And yet it seems like too much to ask of anyone to be able to stare a stab to the heart right in the face, and absolutely forgive such a blatant betrayal. And maybe that’s why Christ often compares the relationship between Him and the Church as that of a marriage. Why God would use Hosea to tell Israel that they have been an adulterous people. To a world full of hurting people, of people who have been betrayed and let down, who have been disappointed by someone they once trusted… these people who’ve been through the valley of pain would come to see the magnitude of love that God shows to them.

I suppose so much more is expected from a marriage than a friendship, and so what is unforgivable between friends must always be forgiven in a marriage.

Perhaps that’s one more in a long line of reasons why I don’t dare to love again. Because much would again be asked of me, that I’m scared to give again. Because it costs too much to not play it safe.

Each time I give a little more of my heart only to have it shattered, the emptiness that remains grows a little bigger. And so like the wuss that I’ve long become, I reversed the roles and continue to wait to be rescued from my captivity by the girl.

She.