Sold-Out

Recently Pastor Grace spoke at the service, and she spoke abt the 30 pieces of silver for which Jesus was betrayed. I never knew till then that 30 pieces of silver was the equivalent of a mere month’s pay. I also had never seen the significance of the contrast that was meant to be made when placed beside the lavishing on Jesus of the woman with the alabaster jar, whose offering was the equivalent of a year’s wages.

Recently in my conversation with Lijuan, I was sharing with her how jaded I’ve become sometimes, in the way I see the world. Everytime I decide to believe in someone, I get burnt. The one time I allowed myself to love I wasn’t merely hurt – I was scarred. I used to be grieved when hearing of friends who proved a disappointment, yet nowadays I seem to have conditioned myself to see it as something that was coming. And so I retreat into a protective shell, incapable of trusting and loving.

And after hearing it all very sympathetically, she asked me one question “Where do you see God in all this?” And I guess after my instinctive reaction of “Duh… huh???”, I realized that she had asked the right question. I’ve become so good at “coping” with life that I’ve pretty much forgotten how to enjoy it anymore. Somehow God has become a forgotten entity in my troubles. I don’t’ think she noticed it, but for just that brief instance, I had to control myself to stop from crying.

Pastor Grace’s sermon was really powerful on hindsight. Its true that I’ve often betrayed God on so much less. When it comes to the “big things” that are wrong, I am naturally averse to it. Instead, it is the small little things in my life that conspire to rob God of the consideration that he deserves in my life. Little compromises of white lies that I tell, indiscipline that I choose to ignore, or the lack of thoughtfulness and deliberations that are due to those around me… they slowly but steadily rob my life of the kind of dignity that befits someone who is meant to be God’s royal elect.

Instead of taking a good look at the state of my spiritual life, I’ve instead been fixating solely on things like my academic studies, my financial reliance, my unrequited affections, my lack of a career… etc.

Instead of giving a proportionate attention to these things in light of a life supposedly given over to God, I’ve sold Him out for these lesser things instead.

I guess tonight its time to let more than just Michael Card speak to me, but its time to seek God again… Just this morning at breakfast with Eric, I was talking to him abt how the older I get, the harder it seems to be to make scripture a joy in my life. Its so much easier to be edified by Christian songs, Christian books, and even sermon recordings. Its much easier when scripture has already been processed by someone else in the form of a book, a song or a sermon, so that we can turn our intended deliberations about God into a brainless activity, just absorbing what comes our way.

I guess its time for me to again start doing scripture memory…