Taking The Plunge

I kept hearing the song “You’re Beautiful” today. First was on the radio as I was driving my parents somewhere. Quickly switched it in a hurry. Then I was walking around the DIY shop at Thomson Plaza, where I heard it again. Next was at Raffles Hotel, in one of the shops we were walking into before my family had dinner there. Then right before I sat down at the PC now to type this out, its playing on the radio again.

*sigh*

I used to think that its pretty dumb to be looking out for signs in everyday life… But FOUR times in one lousy day… If nothing else it speaks of the irony in my life… what with the theme of wistful love that I brought up in my previous post… Hehz…

Don’t think I could have chosen a more apt song to express the sentiment. (Stop grinning, you-who-know-who-you-are…)

Things aren’t going too well for me right now. Man Utd more or less lost the plot over the weekend, and watched their own title chase evaporate. My exam saga doesn’t look too optimistic… and this week I haven’t been sleeping well because I’ve been camped out at Marbella. Not to mention the on-going drama in the lives of a few around me…

A recent article said something that I really liked. “The perils of the future are vivid in my imagination. But because they exist only in the realm of imagination, the only comfort available to me is just as imaginary.”

I think I belong to the category of people Jesus was staring meaningfully at when He taught the crowd “Do not worry, for tomorrow shall have its own worries.” I’m always one of the first to speak up against a new plan or new idea, always the first to shoot holes in every proposal. And sometimes, I think I really can’t help it. I mean, I’m not deliberately out to be a nay-sayer… I honestly see the plans as being unworkable. I’m always amazed at people who have boundless optimism that things will work out, and on more than a few occasions the expression “Just try… you never know, it might work after all…” has left me exasperated. I wonder at how little these people are aware that actions have consequences, and that everytime you try something, there’s a cost to be paid for its failure. Do it too many times and you bankrupt yourself in some way.

No doubt on their part, I’m one of those guys that the optimists hate to the bone. The ones they can’t stand, frustrated at my apparent lack of interest or motivation. Angry at my passive mentality, and my disruptive attitude towards the momentum for change that they are trying to initiate. Someone whom they really can’t understand… “How can he ever be so negative about everything? Why can’t he ever see the good in anything???”

I think I have much to learn from the optimists. Too many years of branding myself a “realist” instead of the grouch that I am, has led me to live a life that tries too hard to be safe. I’ve always delighted in what’s “safe” and “familiar”, and didn’t dare to venture into what is yet unknown or untested. Somehow that has been something that colored my entire perspective of life. I’m reminded of the song “The Rose”, and what it said…

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never takes a chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dyin',
That never learns to live.

Taking risks. Daring to let go and take a plunge. Boldly moving on from where I am right now. Courage to make some extravagant and audacious decisions in life, and throw caution to the wind.

The alternative is to choose my current state of inertia, and embrace the logic that “it could be worse out there if I move on. Safer to stay where I am and lick my wounds.”

My mom again asked me today if I’d consider going overseas to do my degree. I’ve let the chance slip past me once already. I‘m wondering if I’ll be really stupid to give it up again for a dream everyone’s telling me to put down.

Cell group’s thinking of making a few drastic decisions, including a proposed splitting. My instinct was to resist that idea, given our track record for making hasty and irreversible decisions that do permanent damage. Yet a part of me is agreeing that perhaps that really is the way forward.

I’ve been challenged to explore my own calling in ministry. I’ve said it so many times, that I don’t think worship is my primary calling, because it doesn’t seem to be my primary gift. I seem to be better relationally rather than musically. Yet to explore how the relational aspect of my gift might be used in ministry, I need to equip myself more firmly in the Word, and get down to the hard work that I’ve been running away from.

And of course personally, I need to stop running away from the obvious problem in front of me, and dare to take a giant step forward in moving on, and letting go. It seems that the struggle is a daily one, because the decision to do so can be made one night, only to find that the struggle returns the next morning. Daily surrender requires a lot of discipline and courage.

By next week I should know how my exam situation has worked out. I’ll have to explore a few of my options then, and make a few decisions. I don’t want to take the riskier option just for the sake of it, but I need to move on from my state of wary hibernation, to finally moving on with my life.

God give me strength…