One Day More

"One day more - another day, another destiny... This never-ending road to calvary..." so the song goes... and how often it feels that way.

Been a while since I penned down any serious thoughts... many things have happened since my last entry.

I'm officially a school dropout, having finally closed the painful episode of 5 unfruitful years in NUS. And only today, I've finally gone ahead to sign up with Stansfield for my Bsc in Management, school starts in March.

In the meantime, I've managed to get Paul hooked on DOTA, helped out with the registration for Project Timothy Evening Expositions, joined the newly started DG in the church, planned out the Levite Ministry direction for the year with Henry and Bernice, met up with the core group to talk abt the direction of the Youth Service for the next 5 yrs, helped plan and participate in a project to visit the old folks in Holland Close. Wow... Other than the godless DOTA, I guess I pretty much can apply for a salary from church oredi... Grins.

These days have been more a downer than anything else. I suspect its the weather. Hot sunny days always makes me feel so lethargic. I keep staying indoors to avoid the heat, and so feel more cooped up and restless. All in all, not a good time. Been feeling kindda down lately also, esp after catching up with Syl and all that's going on in her life of guys and all. Grins. I still kindda wish I could crush someone.

No, I don't mean sit on them, I mean have a crush on someone. Not nice to land the girl of my dreams in the hospital... Muahahahahaha... But yeah... it would be nice if I could find someone whom I can obsess about... if I could find someone whom I dare to start hoping that she would like me too. I'm watching my life go right by me right now, and the most depressing thought is how with both work and school coming up for the next three years, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in a girl. So that means I'd have gone FIVE years being alone before I even START looking for a new girlfriend.

Just stab me now...

Ah well. I suppose I could always just get a dog...

Watched Finding Neverland, absolutely loved it. I guess I really liked seeing the hopeless romantic come out tops for once. Esp so since this was at least partially based on a true story, no matter how much poetic license they took with it. Pple shd go watch it. The only thing which bothered me was the Irish accent that Johnny Depp had to take on. Never knew what that was about.

Oh, I now have a restraining order on Ruth. Not supposed to sms her, email her, or call her. Grins. I guess some parents do believe in my power to charm their little daughters.

Just got an email that Liya gave birth on Dec 4th, to baby Kathy. The baby's really really cute, from the pics I saw... hahaha... and Mervin's proposed to Huifen, they'll be getting married in 2 yrs' time. Scary how everyone seems to be moving on SO FAST man. I absolutely feel like a dinosaur...

恋爱症候群

有许多专家告诉我，他们说要以理性的态度谈恋爱，我常想，这些专家大概从来没有谈过恋爱。不信你试看看，谈恋爱你还会有理性，我想那大概是假。

关于恋爱症候群体发生原因，至今仍然是最大的一个谜，不管性别年龄职业体重学历长相和血型，没有一个人可以棉衣。有些专家学者研究后相信，恋爱是内分泌失调所引起，却有别人认为恋爱属于滤过性病毒，像感冒无药可救但会自动痊愈。不管你同不同意，自古到今许多例子证明，恋爱不但是一种病态，它还可能是一种变态。

一般发病后的出期反应会开始改变一些生活习性，洗澡洗得特别干净，刷牙刷得特别用力，半夜突然爬起来弹钢琴。有人每天站在阳台对路人傻笑，有人突然疯疯癫癫，突然很安静。有人一脸痴呆，对着镜子咬着指甲打喷嚏，有人对小狗骂三字情。女人突然改变发型，男人开始每天练着哑铃，食欲不振歇斯底里四肢萎缩神经过敏发抖抽筋都出现在这时期。

随着病情越来越变本加利，人会变得格外敏感，勇敢，涵哦心。写的，唱的，说的都像天才诗人一般才华洋溢，越肉麻越觉得有趣。有人恋爱之后，每天躲在厕所哭泣，有人开记者会宣布恋爱的消息，有人总是喜欢两个人躲在黑漆漆的地方，像做了不可告人的事情。每天忙着找人算命，挖空心思改变自己，配合对方的习性，把每天都当做纪念日，把自己当作纪念品。

每天漫无目的腻在一起，言不及义也觉得好有趣。走者坐者躺着趴着都形影不离，像是两人三脚又像连体婴。

心里想的只有爱你爱你爱你，也不管家里米缸有没有米，也不管路上有人示威抗议，只管爱你。心里想的只有爱你爱你爱你，也不管海峡两岸统一问题，也不管衣索匹亚多少难民，只管爱你。

经过一段轰轰烈烈热恋时期，不久就会开始渐渐痊愈，两人开始互相厌倦，互相攻击对方缺点，所有甜蜜都随风而去。然后开始从错觉和误解中清醒，惊讶自己为何如此不聪明。为了爱情不管一切，不顾父母朋友姐妹兄弟，开始感到后悔不已。然后开始感到疲惫沉闷气喘心悸牙病头痛梦呓。然后是精神不济瞳孔放大脾气暴躁四肢麻痹终于受不了要分离。

虽然结果颇令人伤心，了解之后也没什么了不起。爱情终究是握不住的云，只是我想要告诉你。哦... 在我落寞的岁月里，你的温柔解脱我的孤寂。带给我深深的狂喜，如此颤动着我的心灵 – 轻轻诉说爱你爱你爱你，不管是黑夜或是黎明，不管是梦中或是清醒，深深爱你。我要对你说爱你爱你爱你，不管是黑夜或是黎明，不管是梦中或是清醒，深深爱你。

多么幸福让我遇见你。

There And Back Again

"How do you pick up the threads of your old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

- Frodo Baggins

Better Man

Think I've just been too tired lately to actually blog. So I'm just using songs to express the mood and general tone of my life right now.

Better Man
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In the pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In the pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

Learn to be Lonely

The new song that Andrew Llyod Weber wrote for for the movie version of Phantom of The Opera.

Learn To Be Lonely
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed, out in the world
There are arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on it's own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love
Life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone

Sometimes, I have a feeling this will be the song I want engraved on my tombstone. The story of my life.

Another Day

Another day passes, as they inevitably do. And yet another day spent wishing I could live in my Peter Pan world and never have to face up to the responsibilities of adulthood.

Yes.

Adulthood.

A word that I kept putting off, rather like how I used to shrug NS off as an event that will always be dated in the future, never to come to pass. (Incidentally, the same attitude that I'm now having towards this small problem called IPPT. Hehz...)

Ah well. Tomorrow I'm gonna spend the day cleaning up my room, and hopefully I'll be done by the end of the day. Hopefully. Not my usual procrastination I swear, but the fact that cleaning up my room usually takes 3 days when I factor in my procrastination, such is the level of skill I've acquired in really cluttering up my room. So yes, hopefully I'll be done by tomorrow night. Wednesday morning I'll be sending Simon off to San Diego, followed by a trip to NUS to officially and formally withdraw from the school. Rest of the day will bespent walking along the Esplanade, fighting the temptation ot jump into the river and never surfacing. If pass that test of manhood, mebbe I'll cough up enough balls to start growing up and go around exploring the different options I have around me - of both work as well as academic alternatives.

And as promised, I am now penning down the deeply disturbing and yet intriguingly hilarious fact that Paul told me today he used to learn ballet and was a tambourine dancer.

Yes.

He NEVER did mention it to me till now, that creep. Muahahahaha...

What started as a bad evening with a sore bust-up with my parents turned out prety well by the end of the day, by the time I had to accompany Paul down to the National Library to declare that "I've " lost a book. Naturally, he is the culprit - using my i/c to borrow a book cos he's barred from borrowing any himself, already having misplaced a book he borrowed with his own i/c eons ago. Walked around town after that where I learned the news of his wayward youth. After that went down to Simon's house to attend a small gathering to meet up with him one more time before he flies off on wed morning. Ah well. He threw a really nice surprise tea for me when everyone thought I was off to Monash, so I'm glad we were able to do this for him.

I think on the whole I'm starting to look ahead more instead of being held back by my past. I'm desperately praying that such a sentiment will last. Mebbe if I am able to keep this up, I'll start righting a lot of the wrong that I've chalked up over the past 5 yrs, and stop being forever pegged back by the memories.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Of course, everyone her who has my blog address has been giving nothing but the fullest support, and had the decency to not give me the scolding which I probably richly deserve for mucking up so badly. Grins.

Here's to another 5 yrs of blogging, and may this report card start looking better.

After all, its only got one way to go - up.

One For The Road

After playing out Paul tonight, guess here's a song that keeps haunting me, that he mentioned he liked. A song that I always loved, and as a matter of fact haunts me partially cos its my phone ringtone.

Take care, all my blog readers. I'll be back after the weekened.

后来
后来我总算学会了如何去爱

可惜你早已远去

消失在人海

后来终于在眼泪中明白

有些人一旦错过就不再

橘子花，白花瓣
落在我蓝色百褶裙上

“爱你“你轻声说

我低下头闻见一阵芬芳

那个永恒的夜晚
十七岁仲夏
你吻我的那个夜晚

让我往后的时光
每当有感叹

总想起当天的星光

那时候的爱情
为什么就能那样简单

而又是为什么人年少时

一定要让深爱的人受伤

在这相似的深夜里
你是否一样

也在静静追悔感伤

如果当时我们能不那么倔强

现在也不那么遗憾

你都如何回忆我
带着笑或是很沉默

这些年来有没有人能让你不寂寞

后来我总算学会了如何去爱

可惜你早已远去消失在人海

后来终于在眼泪中明白

有些人一旦错过就不再

永远不会再重来

有一个男孩爱着那个女孩

Awake at 4... (con't)

Tomorrow's my retreat.

And even as I again sit down at the computer to pen these mindless thoughts, the feeling of impotence is magnified by the fact that I can't even begin to set down in words the negativity of my thoughts. And so in this vicious circle of pessimism by which I continue to let my emotions spiral downwards, I'm being kept awake at 4 in the morning - afraid of being awake and confronted by what's ravaging my mind, and being afraid of sleep and what will inevitably ravage my dreams.

What's so bad about a failed relationship and a failed degree, that it should be able to thus wreck my sanity and wholeness of being? Didn't it use to be about doing my QT, memorizing scriptures and generally being a good christian? Didn't it always use to be about loving people, being nice and humble, and serving others, looking out for their good cos if you serve the least of them, you are serving Christ? Why is all that not enough anymore?

Right now, I'd have traded all of that in exchange for a successful relationship and a degree.

Damned if I did that, and damned if I didn't.

If only God had taken me back at 18. Before I was expected to start living out my potential, and let the weight of expectations get to me. Before the world realized just how truly pathetic I actually am inside. Before anyone, and especially myself, could truly see who I am and the lie I've lived all my life. Who am I kidding with a facade of someone who's doing ok in life? What kind of business do I have going around talking to people, trying to help them out, and even remotely sounding like I am in any position to be of any help to anyone? Of the many who died in the tsunami, couldn't God have traded anyone else there for me instead? So that one more man with integrity and something to show for in life could have lived, and by taking his place I would have at least done one useful thing in my life.

Ironic that I shd be the one whom everyone in church envies, for being able to chuckle at life, and to deal so well with the many 'sad things' that have happened to me. It almost feels like a show sometimes. I put up a good act, and in turn people buy it and love me. I hardly know if those who love me know the real me. I hardly know the real me anymore, in fact. Is this really the sad act that I've become, or has this been me all along?

I guess Grace made the right choice to dump me after all. And I guess MOE did the right thing to terminate my contract. I'm just waiting for the day the church also wisens up and removes me from ministry. And finally the day I wake up, and have the balls to decide that I ought to do the world a favour and just kill myself.

In the meantime, I guess the show must go on...

Sad Clown
Say, how’s the weather?
So I look out the window to brighten my soul
But I can’t control the rain that keeps falling
Smile on the outside – never comes in
Comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream let the show begin

You break me open
Turn on the lights,
Stumble inside with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit
To cover this lie, are you mesmerized
Do you think me faithful?
Do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, put on this hat
Wore all this paint just for you

Much Afraid
Empty again, sunken down so far

So scared to fall, might not get up again
So I lay at Your feet all my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to You

All of these things held up in vain
No reason no rhyme, just the scars that remain
All of these things – I’m so much afraid

Scared out of my mind by the demons I’ve made
Sweet Jesus You’ll never ever let me go

So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on
To where I’ve never been before

Awake at 4...

My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

Goal 2010

Its official. I really really suck in my studies, and my lack of academic aptitude has been proven by 4.5 yrs of abject failure. Yes, I failed my semester yet again. And so even as I start of the New Yr on a note of optimism in my last post, I am again reminded of the brutal truth that whatever starts off in my mind inevitably stays in my mind. No way does my status quo in real life change simply because of a change in paradigm or perspective. So now I aim for Goal 2010 - the date I am gonna graduate by.

Its been a really tiring day, but one in which I have strangely enjoyed mself.

Started the morning by going up to the vice-dean only to hear her confirm my death sentence in NUS. So I will now probably be quitting the school, go work for a while before re-applying for NUS. Then I had lunch with Sylvia, and went to SKS with her. We talked a lot, about the options open to me, and about her and Johann. And yes, the topic of Grace again cropped up. Hard not to, since she was shopping for books on BGR, and she was talking abt her r/s with Johann, where she persists in living in that peculiar state of denial about. She keeps claiming that she feels its wrong so they shd not be together, but yet they just about engage in all the activities that a boy and a girl engage in if they were dating each other. Save the making out, of course. Grins.

Then settled down for dinner with Baoyu, Desmond, Daoxing, Weibin, Simon and Weixiu. I guess somehow we've all roughly known each other for at least 10 yrs... a really scary thought at how far we've each come. Scarier was the thought at how everyone seems to have moved on to another phase of life, while I still remain entrenched in my state of perpetual under-achievement. Still, self-pity aside, it was a really really great night of very open sharing towards our struggles in love and life. Desmond was sharing about his non-christian jap girlfriend, Weixiu was sharing about her resignation towards the prospects of singlehood as well as the over-commitments she has made towards ministry. Simon was sharing about his exchange to San Diego... the fears and worries he has over his r/s with Charlotte, his discipline while over there, and also his family. Daoxing was sharing about the same kind of directionlessness that I could absolutely empathize with. Weibin surprised me by opening up a lot about his family problems, and the tension that existedin his family because of his parents' estrangement, and how his father's leaving the church and God was such a blow to him.

Baoyu shared much about her struggles in the corporate ladder, and what a tough job it is to mainatin even a shred of christian integrity in the workplace. Her problem is that her integrity is apparently so unquestioned that she 2 of her senior directors confided in her at the same time about their plans to sell each other out. Hahahahaha... as much as I could see the humour and irony of the situation, it was plainly evident that it was a really painful incident to find herself in. Its certainly raised my respect towards Baoyu yet again. She may not be the most flexible and savvy person to work with in ministry, nor someone whom you turn to for charismatic leadership, but at least no one can ever dare to accuse her of not having tried her best, at living out a life where her actions in both the workplace as well as in church are congruent with what she professes. Turned out to be a really sober lesson on how there's so much more on life that I have yet to experience and face up to.

As for me, as I again step back into square one after 5 yrs of wandering in the wilderness, I hope that I will have finally learnt my lesson, and picked up the broken pieces of my life.

If Only

If all we lost somehow came back
If all that died again would grow
If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know

If all our dreams were golden
And never black or grey
If all our dreams came true
Then we'd never have to say

If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know

If all our dreams were golden
And never black or grey
If all our dreams came true
Then we'd never have to say

If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know
These are the loneliest words I know

My Prayer for 2005...

And so another year has passed, and I step into 2005. No fanfare, no great anticipation, and with hardly a hint that anything has changed, I stepped into yet another year. 2004 has hardly been a good year for me by any stretch of the imagination, and pretty much not so for the world.

I guess with every eye and ear trained on the Tsunami tragedy that hit 9 Asian countries, I could hardly get away with no mention of it on my blog. With the death toll at the current count hitting almost 130,000, its hard to even picture the destruction that took place. It makes 9/11 look like a picnic, esp since the ultimate death toll there was barely 0.1% of the figure here, and we are nowhere near the final estimate of the total number who lost their lives. I guess at a time when I mourn my personal tragedy of a life hardly lived, focusing so much on my failures, hurts and disappointments, the tsunami has served as a graphic reminder to me of a bigger picture that exists in the world, where I am truly amongst the very blessed.

Its really hard to recall what has passed in this year, since everything seems all meshed together as "the past", and I was never one who was good with dates. Yeah, both in terms of calendar, and with girls. But it really struck me over the New Yr as I was reflecting... that I never seem to be able to recall the high points, but always remain mirred in the lower points of my life. This chronic ungratefulness seems to unceasingly pervade my thoughts all year round.

So if there ever was a resolution that I ought to make in the coming year, it would be that I need to learn to give thanks. Not the perfucctory action of giving thanks "in spite of" that every christian has been trained to do unthinkingly, but the ability to really see God's silver lining on every dark cloud, that my thanks are never tinged with all the fatalism that I always muster, but will always be one that is immersed in the hope that God is indeed still somehow holding me in His grace.

Hopefully, this year wil find me better off in love and life also. I realised I really am very picky when it comes to a girl. Unlike my gay partner, I at least seem to somehow have been able to muster up enough courage, (by defalut of not having the balls to do what he did,) and not settled for my ex. Yet the unfortunate thing is that for a person who always clings to the past, and always longs for what I have grown accustomed to, its always a really big challenge to move on. I just got scolded by Serene and Weixiu tonight for being so picky, something that Jin Liang recetly took me to task for also. Yet I have come to appreciate the almost sacredness of a relationship, that I know I would always cheapen if I ever took the short route.

So another resolution this yr is to indeed learn to give thanks... for all the people that are in my life... for which I have been truly blessed with more than a fair number. To give thanks for them, and learn to content myself with the fellowship and love they offer... and stop hankering for something more that is not mine to ask, nor mine to covet.

Today I just attended the ceremony of that officially launches our new church - Providence Presbyterian Church. ORPC Mandarin Congregation ceases to exist as of yesterday, and this indeed marks a really different milestone in the church's pilgrimage. Chen Mu Shi retired yesterday, and so again the polemic emotions that inevitably goes hand in hand with each other is what greets the whole congregation as we today herald our new church moderator, Liu Mu Shi. After that we had a really long meeting at Bernice's place, to discuss the futrue of the youth ministry... but I keep having the thought that we shd have done this 3 yrs ago. But I guess we just need to ploughh on now with what we have, and trust that His grace will indeed be sufficient for us, and that in our weaknesses, he will always show His strength whenever we show our availability.

Make My Life A Prayer To You
Make my life a prayer to You
I wanna do what You want me to
No empty words and no white lies
No token prayers, no compromise
I wanna shine the light You gave
Through Your Son
You sent to save us
From ourselves and our despair
It comforts me to know You’re really there

I wanna thank You now
For being patient with me
Oh it's so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what You say
You’re coming again
Coming to take me away

I wanna die and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave to me
The love that's set me free
I wanna tell the world out there
You’re not some fable or fairy tale
That I've made up inside my head
You're God the Son
You've risen from the dead

Spirit Of Christmas Past, Present & Future

Its been so long since I posted something here. In a way, so much has happened worth mentioning, and yet I can't think of anything significant enough that I absolutely MUST pen down. Life's little ironies I guess.

Off the top of my head - Chen Mu Shi gave the last of his series of 4 farewell sermons this sunday. Can't believe that I almost cried. Hehz... I'm quite a wuss sometimes. But here is a man who baptized me at birth, presided over the church in some of its most dificult times, and has always been a spiritual anchor for the whole community, saying his farewell for good. And fittingly he used the passage from II Timothy 4:6-8, Paul's last exhortation to Timothy before his execution. Paul talks about how he has run the race and fought the good fight, and how he is now looking to the crown of righteousness that is in store for him. And I guess I couldn't have imagined a more fitting verse he could have used to end 28 yrs of ministry in ORPC. And I guess I wasn't alone, because when he ended his message, he came off the rostrum to a thunderous applause. And I guess later on when we were singing a response song, Renji couldn't have picked a more apt song -

愿一生跟随祢
求祢指教我
数算自己的日子
叫我得着智慧的心
因为在祢看千年如已过昨日
又如夜间一更

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢清晨时用祢
慈爱充满我
使我一生欢呼喜乐

我一生愿跟随祢
我的心献上给祢
我一生愿跟随祢
渴慕祢高举祢名

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢的荣美常在
我的面前
愿祢的荣光显明

I was really really moved by the whole event. It was such an apt song to choose from. The song is taken from Moses' prayer in Psalm, and I guess the song could really be just taking the words out of Chen Mu Shi's mouth. I dunno if it was also because of the more sombre Christmas that I've had, but I remember a really deep sense of grief and loss whenever I thought comes into my mind that this great man of God I see on the pulpit won't be up there anymore in a mere week's time.

Aside from that, this is the make or break week. Either way, my life as i know it is going to end. either I'm gonna pass everything and have to start looking for a job to earn my keep, or else I'm gonna receive news that I've still failed my exams and will end up as fish food. With a hundred and one nightmare scenarios in place, I really haven't been able to sleep well, in many cases dreading it with a passion that keeps me up until 5 in the morning. Shit. I really need to learn to deal with my problems and stop running away everytime. Ironic that I was just talking to Paul over dinner today abt his self-destructive habits.

The candlelight service in church this year was really sweet. Rev Burke paid a glowing tribute to Chen Mu Shi, and he gave a really simple message about how we ought to be the salt and the light of the world at X'mas. Rushed home to prepare for the cell X'mas party the next day, and arrived at Weixiu's house feeling really sick. Had a really terrible sinus problem. Still we had 34 people at the party that day, a really amazing crowd. I guess I should dial down on some of my cynicism sometimes, cos the party really did turn out to be a very very successful outreach program. Not to mention everybody had so much fun. Eric and desmond both showed up, we had a short time of just catching up and chatting.

Our church will cease to be called Orchard Road Presbyterian Church Mandarin Ministry after 2004, but will officially become Providence Presbyterian Church come 1st Jan 2005. Yes, Chen Mu Shi has once again so aptly become the Moses of our church, leading us into the Promised Land, but not stepping into it himself. He fought so hard and worked even harder to move our church towards independence, and I think he takes great comfort at having witnessed its birth before he leaves.

Sunday at Zhang Mu Shi's place was as usual, a really fruitful time. we had a discussion that ultimately led the topic of emotions Vs true spirituality. What role does one's emotions play in one's true spiritual condition? As a worship leader who fails to feel any joy in the Lord that day, is he oblidged to carry a fake smile up there and still lead praise songs in the prescribed manner? Or can he go up there and declare as David did, "Why so downcast O my soul?".

I think I take great comfort in the fact that our pastors recognize that emotions are a very important part of our spirtual lives, that should neither be denied, or dialled down. They need to be addressed. Unfortunately, in a conveyor-belt style of chirstian education that we seem to have adopted, hardly anyone seems to be able to understand, empathize and address emotional struggles in one's spiritual lives, beyond the question of whether one has observed spiritual disciplines or not. And if the sufferer say that he has in fact served out spiritual disciplines but still feels that God is turning away, the christian and very often even the church itself can give no answers.

I think if we keep moving in this direction to address real needs and concerns that the church has, I'm feeling that this is a church that might have some hope after all. That there is indeed a thick silver lining from the dark clouds of Chen Mu Shi's imminent departure.

Today I went to watch Phantom Of The Opera. Emmy Rossum was so pretty. She really is. But she just couldn't carry the voice of Christine Daae. So in that sense it was a little disappointing because no matter what, it is a musical after all. But otherwise I think it really is a great production, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There's something so haunting and appealing abt the Phantom himself. He doesn't have a name, and is the definitive tragic hero. Like his two lines "This face conjures a mother's fear and loathing/My mask - my first unfeeling scrap of clothing", he was someone who was outcast by society. And like Quasimodo who went in search of love and beauty and got everything horribly wrong, he ultimately again was the self-sacrificial character who found redemption by again condemning himself a life of loneliness and darkness. And I guess there is always a very attractive quality to me about being a tragic hero, someone I always fancied being. The way I would choose to go to great lengths to meet a person's wants, even at a cost to myself, and many times wanting to do it without the other person. A kind of addiction is found in the satisfaction derived from the knowledge that I gave at the cost of myself to make something happen for someone else.

Ah well. 4am gibberish seldom seems as impressive in the morning when I wake up again. But at least for now it makes perfect sense.

Oh, I received some really sweet gifts this X'mas, from a really sweet 'card' (thanks Ruth!) to a sling bag that Paul tried very hard to conceal from me by swearing a bit too much that he got me a really cheap gift. Thanks buddy. Grins.

I guess 2004 hasn't been exactly a great year for me. But I figured I must be reaching rock bottom soon, so hopefully 2005 will be the year I start bouncing back.

Looking Inside

Its been so long since I last posted. Ironically, after my exams, having more time away from my computer means I have less time to blog. And man... so now eric has inadvertently become one of the select few with access to my blog. All because of an oversight when I posted a comment on his blog. Ah well. He's well familiar with my whinings anyway. And after all, now he knows what to get me for X'mas, when he's back. Grins.

Its curious, how much one's tone can change so many times over a week. How much one's mood can be affected by the slightest thing that happens, or even the slightest thing that fails to happen. As predicted, the period following my exams has been one huge anti-climax. My relief cannot be complete without the actual release of my results, which will either affirm my relief at the end of my NUS ordeal, or signal the start of my life as fish food.

But seriously, even as throughout the whole week I swing between my polemic moods - one minute feeling the deepest anguish and despair at failing to make anything of my life at 25 yrs' old (which is severely augmented by my equally paranoid fears that I'm still gonna fail this sem), and also the optimism that shrugs iff the wasted yeas, and welcome the new phase in my life, come what may (read - still, the fear of failing seeps through. Only this time, I take it in my stride).

But it is indeed a real worry, and a real source of my perpetual despondence - the feeling that all those promises that I showed as a teen are irretrievably lost. Growing up in a family that has always placed a very high premium on achievements, the approach of X'mas and New Yr inevitably brings on an imminent sense of dread, that its time yet again to face all my relatives with theier over-achieving sons and daughters. Don't get me wrong - I'm terribly proud of my couins' achievemnts, and couldn't be ahppier for them. but when the spotlight gets trained on me, and the pressure is on for me to present my show-and-tell of my accomplishments, it is particularly hard to feel that I've let my parents down. And I guess at the root of it, that's what hurts the most.

I have absolutely no ambitions. Given my way, I don't mind being one of those dear waiters I see in restaurants, that have worked there their entire lives, from the time they were 20 till they retire at 50. Those dear old men who recount to you how times have changed from the times since they started work there in their youth, and how they continue to serve you with a dignified pride in their job. Yet somehow I get the feeling that would profoundly disappoint my family. Not to mention my friends, and even myself. And somehow I've even come to think I shd make more out of my life.

Yet in those moments between lucidity of thought, and pure unadulterated madness, I struggle with the notion of making something out of my life. Isn't what I do for the kingdom of God what really counts? Isn't the minding of where I end up on the ladder of social status quo merely materialism neatly packaged up as pratical and good common sense? And so on days of lucidity I can resolve these thoughts, only to be plunged back into madness moments later. (Them blasted mood swings that never seem to stop.)

Its been a melancholic few days. And its really silly. From watching CSI, and the rather depressing episodes nowof Grissom's team being torn apart, to The West Wing where Leo's heart attack leaves Barlett even more isolated than ever - augmented by his paralysis from MS and his staff that are slowly learning to move on from the Bartlett administration. Then there's the whole series of Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot novels, right up to the last one where he dies... this wierd confluence of materials have left me in a curiously disheartened state.

Add on to the fact that Chen Mu Shi is leaving... the idea is finally sinking in. The dear dear old reverend that has held me in his arms when I was a baby, and baptized me... confirmed me 18 yrs later... and who has always been a mainstay in the church I grew up in... and always was someone who embodied the life I ought to be living... he was going to be gone for good. Short of being at his funeral, this was as final a frewell as it would ever be. He's gonna retire from this church, start attending service at another church... and I can see how in the hustle and bustle of a new leadership as well as the struggles of going independent, he will quickly become a forgotten figure of the past, fondly remembered on occasions.

Its just so poignant of Moses... leading the Israelites for 40 yrs... only to be denied the Promised Land at the final step of the journey. He has led us ths far in our church... and yet he has to leave just when his dream has finally been realised, of seeing this church take on yet another milestone. Even as he embraked on his series of farewell messages these 4 weeks, his voice was evidently breaking on the pulpit, as he shared of his deep love for the church, for us, and the reluctance of his leaving. And it suddenly hit me just how much I'm going to miss him.

Its really funny. I probably have spoken less than an hr's worth of conversations with him in thye past 25 yrs of my life. Yet in his departure, the void left by his absence is such a tangible one. I guess I could shrug it off as one of those sentimental moments that I tend to bring on... yet at the same time is also the feeling that this is because he has truly been one of the living spiritual giants that I've had the privilege of being shepherded by, and his absence is tangible because he takes with him when he leaves, the spiritual presence that has come to be an almost tangible presence around him. The prayers that has been accumulated over 28 yrs on behalf of the church, the sweat, the toil, the heart of servant-hood... With all due respects to the new leadership... losing him will always represent an incalculable loss.

Watched Love Me If you Dare finally, a while ago. And I finally understood why Paul was raving abt the movie. It really is a poignant and very incisive narrative of how we hurt those we love, and can only be hurt by those we love. Yet there is something in the show that the hopeless romantic will always be enchanted by, the notion of a love so strong that it can stand 30 yrs of hurts and distance. Also watched Look At Me, another french film. I think both are so powerful at narrating the interraction between pple of all sorts, from the rich and beautiful the poor and unsuccessful... and how inevitably its so funny that we still end up grappling with exactly the same inadequacies and insecurities.

I think that's enough emotional diarrhea for tonight. Time I try to catch some sleep.

Christmas Wish List

All you people out there who claims to love me... go spread the word!!!

1. CDs. (There a really nice one by Aoife. Or else The Best Of Blue. Or Westlife - Allow Us To Be Frank. Or else just something quite, mebbe mildy celtic.)
2. I need a wall clcok for my new room. A really nice one is sold for only 30 bucks at B1 in Raffles City, beside the flower shop.
3. Vouchers are always welcome. Grins. I accept VISA and AMEX offers too. Even Mastercard!!
4. If anyone won lottery and wants to buy me the iPod, I'll kiss the bloke - male or female. Hell, if a dog bought me that, I'd kiss the dog too.
5. Who's the Boss? Season 2. (I'd marry the person who manages to find this.)
6. Peugeot Gti 206, aka Annette. *grins*

Notice how for this entry I've decided to leave the fonts larger than usual.

=)

Now, all my fans out there... show me how much you all worship me!!!!!

Muahahahaha...

What's Next

The saying goes "I wish that they would have told me that when you reach the top of the mountain, there's nothing there." So here I am, at the end of 5 yrs of almost futile study, and my last paper stares me in the face in the morning. I wonder what's the point, and what the hell it could be that's keeping me awake at 2 plus in the morning. Maybe its cos even before the papers end, I'm anticipating the disappointing anti-climax that is bound to follow right on its heels.

What's next, Peng? A job?

Just yesterday when I was at the airport sending my sis and Joseph off, he asked me what was the most exciting thing I've ever done. Night cycling? Nopes. Wall climbing? Nopes. Bungee jumping? Nopes. In the end, its so sad to conclude that the most exciting thing I've ever done was go to NS. I wrote something abt living a life of perpetual inconsequence before, and now I find myself facing up to that reality once more.

Did something that at least brings a little peace back to the insanity of my life yesterday. I bought Grace a present for her birthday, and wrote her a card, apologizing for what I did wrong, from the time we were together till the time we broke up. I guess it was one of those things that God's been nagging me since forever to do already. And I guess with the easing of the tension between us, it makes it easier for me to start forgiving her. At least, today when I bumped into her at PS, I was able to look her in the eye and know that I'm trying to make things right. And so while I don't see how things could ever be the same again, esp as long as she remains so dependant and fixated with Andrew, at least I know I've tried.

I think life can be such a funny thing at times. Sometimes the harder you try, the harder something gets. Some of my happiest moments have caught me by surprise. That moment in time when you are suddenly caught unawares in a mood of happiness, where you feel that your soul is given that lift it badly needs, rather like a flat tyre that gets a badly needed pump, before it goes right back to the process of slowly letting air out again. These curious spells of reversals in one's outlook and perspective. And I guess the more desperate I get, the harder I try to generate these moments. And the harder I try, the more elusive it proves itself to be.

Maybe that's why God tells us not to worry, for tomorrow will have its own worries. To stop seeing the dark clouds looming in every horizon, but to learn to rest in His providence, and stop seeking.

Yet everytime I try to rest, these neuroses comes right back at me, seeking to drown me with their currents. And like Peter, I take a step of faith only to sink right after that. Or like the man who cries out to Jesus "I believe! Only help my unbelief!"

Sometiems I wonder if I'm really mildly schizophrenic. Given how I seem to be two totally different persons in my public persona versus my private. Sometimes its hard to tell which is real, since I either do a really good job of pretending to be happy when I'm with people that I start believing I'm happy - or else I do indulge in my apparent depression so much that I really convinced myself that I'm unhappy. And so as I swing between the two extremes constantly everyday, mebbe that accounts for why I always feel so tired emotionally.

God, I wish I were dead. All those tombstones that say Rest In Peace... I hope calling it the Long Sleep is just a form of euphemism, cos if the sleep is anything like mine, it sure ain't much of a rest, and it sure as hell ain't much of a peace either.

Nevertheless, that Long Sleep from which one never wakes, until judgement day comes... I never thought that I'd be 25 and desperately wishing for that rest. At 12, I was a bubbly young boy with an ego the size of China, so sure was I that I was a good guy who was gonna make something meaningful out of my life. Not even for a second did I imagine that I'd have become the person I am today within a mere ten score of years.

Shit.

Can't sleep.

Ugh!

One of those night again where I'm bound by a frustration that I can't pin down, except to recognize that its a gnawing sense of frustration, that keeps eating away at me, that I can't get out of me, since i can't even tell if its in my head or in my heart.

Taufik won Singapore Idol, by the way. He beat the Ah-Beng Sylvester, and boy did I heave a BIG sigh of relief. No way would I have been happy seeing a bloody Ah-Beng represent Singapore at World Idol. Talk abt negative projection.

It used to be that penning these thoughts down goes a long way to venting my emotions, allowing me the moments of respite where I can have a little more peace to rest. Yet perhaps like the drug that I've come to liken it to, I've become addicted, and it no longer is able to satisfy.

Maybe its time I embarked on a higher form of drugging myself and numbing my senses - time to do some of those stuff that I've never done.

Bah, who am I kidding? I won't last 3 steps out of the front door.

Shit, Im pathetic.

look! the search thing is up, and it's quite effective. =)

My Tribute

Sacrifice
Bob Fitts

O, this must be the hardest tear I’ve ever cried
For I must sacrifice you, promised son of mine
And so I go to worship with you by my side
And trust a sacrifice He will provide

And though I cherish you,
I must now offer you
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you
I will now offer you
For surely He could raise you up again

Here on this altar, Father, I lay all my dreams
And offer back to You this child You’ve given me
O, son you must believe He’s called us to obey
And by His love He’ll make a better way.

And though I cherish you,
I must now offer you.
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you,
I will now offer you
For surely He will raise you up again

O, Abraham, O, Abraham
Now that I know you fear My name, withhold your hand
O Abraham, O faithful man
Your only son, he is not the one
Behold the lamb, behold the Lamb

It must have been the hardest thing He’d ever done
When God the Father sacrificed His only Son
The One that He most cherished gave His life away
And by His love He made a better way

And so I cherish You
And so I honor You
You truly are the Giver of all good things
And so I cherish You
And so I honor You
Your sacrifice is now the King of kings

Jehovah Jireh
He has provided
The sacrifice of love no man could ever pay
And what He requires of you and me
Even the hardest things
Your blood of Christ, your sacrifice,
Gives me strength to obey.


The story of Abraham almost sacrificing his son has never failed to move me deeply. The kind of trust and faith in God that when He takes away everything that was ever important to Abraham, that he can still believe God is faithful and worth obeying... that's the almost mythical faith that I'vge always wanted to have.

So that when God took away my fellowship 6 yrs ago, my girlfriend 2 yrs ago, and my scholarship a yr ago, and potentially my degree in a little while's time, (not to mention my trim figure 8 yrs ago) I would still be able to sit back, and say with all sincerity and conviction that I know my Lord is good, and that as much as I'd like to chastise myself for all my failures, I know He is good and will look out for me.

And so He has. In the friends I have made and the friendships that have been strengthened since my life started falling apart. The people in my fellowship who are now slowly and steadily coming back to church, and the fellowship that even though has been scattered in different small groups, have nevertheless remarkably kept contact and kept our sense of identity as a fellowship. Remarkable that I've also started suddenly bumping into and re-establishing contact with some very very long lost friends, dating back to Pri 1. (Read: 19 yrs ago)

And so it is with that sense of astonishment that I look back to the past few yrs with the same familiar feeling of regret and nostalgia, but now very much colored with a great sense of thankfulness that I see more than just a silver lining in the dark clouds in my life, but very much the sun that is indeed behind the clouds.

Hehz... Gee, I sound like a man who is dying. You know how they always see the light at the end of the tunnel just before they die? I sure hope this has nothing to do with it. Grins.

Anyway, just wanted to put these thoughts down before I let them run away. Its not too often that I can sit down on my blog and do something other than whine and moan abt how pathetic I am, and how even more pathetic I am for whining and moaning about it.

Today, I have something to give thanks for.

How cool is that!

Without A Name Or A Face

See, I've gotten to know this girl for a while now. And I dunno when and I dunno how, but more and more I'm starting to think of her wherever I go and whatever I do. Its like I can't control myself. It really spooks me, its scary. Sometimes I wonder if its love, or whether its just a crush. But it just feels like here's a girl who truly knows me, like the girl I've always been waiting for. Someone who can read my body language, anticipate what's on my mind, and who's able to look out for me as much as I try to look out for her.

Naturally I'm always looking out for her well-being, wondering what I can do to make her day better, or what I can msg her to bring a smile to her face. Rather like how her every gesture for me or msg to me always bring a smile to my day, and a glow to my face.

Its times like this that I start bringing out all the good 'ol love songs that I always listen to, and wonder if there'll ever be the day when I can sing them out loud to her, and tell her how I feel. See, she's almost too perfect to be true. She was everything that I always wanted in Grace, but never found. A face that can stop my heart everytime she looks right into my eyes when she talks to me. A good girl who has a genuine interest in God, with a heart so gentle that it has none of the holier-than-thou mentality you see in so many pple who profess to be serious abt God. And on a good day, I dare to harbour the hope that she loves me too. We talk on the phone everyday, so she must feel the same way too, right? We msg, talk, have lunch or dinner pretty often, so I definitely have a better shot at her than anyone else, right?

On the one hand I keep obsessing over the fact that she's just about too perfect, and on the other I start to realise that the more perfect she is, the more I think I'm so unworthy of her. With my screwed up life and mind, what can I offer her that she deserves? Nah... she deserves someone better than me. Someone who can make something out of her life. Someone who can bring her some material comfort on top of just emotional companionship. Someone whom she truly deserves.

But deep inside I like to think that if I do ask her, she'd say yes. Cos she's a romantic like me, who believes that nothing matters more than two people who have found in each other their true soul-mate. Someone who's willing to make the marriage vows of "for better or for worse" something she wants to carry out.




Muahahahahaha... man, who the hell am I kidding? If such a girl were to come into my life, I'd swear I was dead and in heaven already. Grins. Or else it will soon turn into an absolute nightmare where she turns out to actually be a married woman, who used to be a guy. No way would I ever get it so good in my life. But it sure was fun to wish and hope there for a while. (Read: My Name Without A Face, or else My Face Without A Name. *winks*)

Grins.

Hehz...

Just got home from watching THE INCREDIBLES. And man, it was incredibly (yes, pardon the pun) funny and awesome. Absolutely hilarious. Hahahaha... After yesterday's escapades of lunch and shopping with Paul and supper with Serene, Simon and Caleb, tonight's moie represents the last scrap of fun I have before hitting my books once again. Yes, that's right.

I still have two more friggin' papers to go before my exams finish on 2nd Dec. Its the bloody last day of the exams, I believe. And so there I am, gonna be one of them last losers to be hanging out at the library mugging away when everyone's out watching THE INCREDIBLES. Wait a minute, incredibly (ugh) - I've watched it already!!!

Wuahahahahaha...

Man Utd won last night. Alex ferguson's 1000th game in charge. Whoo hoo!!! While Liverpool's amazing injury jinx carried on last night, with their sole remaining fit striker now out also, barely 2 mins into the game. So as per their newly-established tradition, they lost 1-0. Muahahahaha... my luck must be turning!

At this rate, that girl without a name or face might actually show up!

Mamma Mia, Here I Go Again

A more apt title I could not have found anywhere else. Went to watch the show again last night with my family. Yet its a slightly more frustrating night, given how the supporting lead of Sophie was played by the understudy, who just wasn't good enough to be honest. Kindda spoilt the fun a little. But otherwise it was really worth the second watch. Grins. Any kind souls who wish to sponsor me a ticket, I'll be willing to put up with a third attendance. Grin grin.

Lotsa of things happened these few days I guess. The most notable being that my boyfriend's flown off to Sydney with Joz, and Sophie has finally gone to the police over Andre. But since she didn't lodge an official report, Andre's still getting away with murder. In the words of Nut, trying desperately to still sound like a good girl, "WTH", as opposed to the alternative that always simmers just beneath the surface of her thoughts.

Anyway the bastard wuss actually tried to intimidate her right in front of me. I was escorting her to see him, so she can tell him that she's not gonna give him anymore money. And he just kept trying to to stalk her every step of the way, taunting her, threatening her, et al. But like the wuss that he is, when I'm ard he didn't dare lay a finger on both her nor me, even when I was deliberately trying to provoke him.

Bloody hell. Never knew God created these sort of City Harvest Christians. Oopps. I meant, these kind of guys. Hehz... But honestly, I sure hope someone in his church will realize that he probaly doesn't believe in hell, given his behaviour. I knew his church had dodgy doctrine... but this is just ridiculous. Even the Muslim believes in some form of hell.

Dammit. I really wanted to keep it above the belt about CHC. Ah well. Grins. Guess you can't hide a light under a blanket. Hehz...

Been having really really bad dreams, keeping me up all night. Just 2 nights ago I was kept awake the whole night with this uncontrollable rage towards Andrew and Grace. Its was like the pressure I felt with the Scrabble dream before that, only this time it was rage. Sigh. Woke up not feeling particularly angry or anything also. Just freakin' tired. Dammit, I need a shrink. If nothing else, to shrink my waistline. Hehe...

First paper is in 2 days' time. Shit. Where's my drunk driver who's supposed to kill me?

Where? Where? Where?

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME.

Muahahahahaha.... cringe before me, you mortals...

don't run your cursor over here