Awake... Once Again

Haven’t been able to sleep for a couple of weeks now. Tonight I decided to take a walk around my neighbourhood, and just get out of the house.

I think I’ve never taken the time to appreciate my neighbourhood. Aside from the dogs that bark (not many are awake at 2:30am, but some are pretty sharp still…), it’s a really good night for a night stroll, and just think to myself about things people have been saying to me of late, and to basically just indulge in the thoughts that just never seem to go away anyway.

I once heard it said that “Sometimes if all you have is old words, all you can do is put them together and hope they say something new.” And I think that very much sums up the essence of my thoughts everytime I take time out to reflect.

Simon told me that after 12 yrs, he figured out just how much I’m a guy who likes to live in the past. And I guess that’s true.

But part of me feels that I’m not just living in the past. Its just that the past is where I like to re-visit, cos back then I had a bright future, I had someone who loved me, I had big dreams. The things that I thought was good, and that should have therefore lasted forever. Growing up has this nasty habit of slowly taking these things away one by one, leaving me with the feeling that I am just a hollow shell now, once filled with something that mattered. Going back to the past is not borne out of the desire to recover the way things were, but because those times embodied something greater that I am searching for.

We celebrated Xianghui’s bachelor’s party last night, and tonight we celebrated Serene’s birthday. Two people in my life whom I do not tell them enough how much they mean to me. The news that Xianghui is going away again perhaps hit me harder than I realized. But chatting with Pamela this afternoon, and talking abt Xianghui made me realize that friends like him are really so hard to come by now, and are like treasures you need to always preserve.

Ironic that the same lesson shd have been said out loud by Serene’s mom when she told the whole group of us that we shd learn to cherish one another, cos so many of us are growing up so fast and moving on.

Weixiu gave me a diary this X’mas, and I guess it was a really good idea in the sense that with this pretty much becoming a public blog, my need to still vent some of my most private thoughts and obsessions can now be met. But with my room still in the process of a cleanup, I’m actually pretty paranoid now abt misplacing it, given the nature of its contents. I guess I’m really not used to a diary after all these years without one.

I need to sleep. But with all the nightmares that keep coming everytime I fall asleep, I have my moments of irrationality where I just don’t want to, and don’t dare to.