Happiness & Tears

You know how there are days when you hear good news and you’re happy for the friends who told you about it? And then there are days when the good news actually spills over to yourself, so that you don’t just feel happy for the person, but is actually happy?

Well, its one of those occasions now, seeing Xianghui and Lishan tie the knot. With so many parents that I see whose marriages end up sterile and flat, while maintaining a façade of bliss and joy… I begin to see why this generation of youth places so little faith in marriage. Which would explain why so many couples just live-in together, and just not take the next step into a commitment. After all, beyond the mere hollow and empty rhetoric of what marriage actually symbolizes, many of those who preach the values of marriage are themselves in a pretty lifeless and even loveless one.

So it is that I seldom attend weddings without having a few question marks of my own about the couple, that does leave me wondering if theirs is going to be a happily-ever-after. But Xianghui and Lishan are two people for whom I really feel very safe about, and very happy for. I guess in a way, it is selfishness that prompted my happiness at their marriage, cos it tells me that a successful relationship still happens once in a blue moon, where two people in a stable relationship would marry one another even tho financially they’re on pretty dangerous ground.

I dunno. I find it sweet, even romantic, that two people would want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, and be willing to tough it out together. 9 out of 10 couples treat money as a must-have insurance to ensure their marriage is stable… then claim its not about money but abt love. Then they wonder why the marriage falls apart when the money runs dry.

Grins.

That aside, I think I’ve really had a pretty good week. Been feeling lighter. I’ve learnt that if you want to cry and not let anyone in the house know it, showering is the perfect place to do so.

And no, its not been a week of sobbing, or emotional despair. But just a week where I’ve been more able to let go and not control myself so much. So be it when I’m praying, when I’m reading a book and something moved me, watching a show and something struck me, or else just my usual despairing self at all other times, I’ve been able to let go and not hold back.

I remember saying to someone just within a couple of months ago, that I can’t remember the last time I let myself go, and cry when I want to. Just as the natural instinct is to flinch away from a hot flame when coming into contact with it, so it seems that emotionally I’ve conditioned myself to flinch away from any instance when I think I’m going to break down. I seem to react before I even realize I’m doing it, just hardening myself before I start to cry, my brain turns away from the theme and think of something more passive and neutral, and I only return to it after I’ve gotten a firmer grip on my emotions.

I don’t know what made me turn into that. What made me so afraid to feel, what made me so afraid to let go and be myself, what made me repress myself, and suppress my emotions so.

And that probably explains also why I always look so stiff on stage. People always complain that I murmur and talk too soft, and I always feel so uncomfortable up there. Mebbe I’m just trying too hard.

But of course, just when things seem to go well, Man Utd had to crash to a 3-1 defeat against Man City.

Dammit.

Well, now that the wedding is over, its time to really really settle down and do some serious studying already. I’ll be flying off this fri to Bangkok, back on Monday late afternoon. After which I’ll be rushing down to attend my night classes again.

I think on my tombstone, I’ll want to just have two words on if – “If only…”