Love, And 2006

I finally caught "A Lot Like love". A show that I always wanted to see when I first saw the trailers showing it in the cinemas. A show that I ended up missing through sheer procrastination. A show that I caught only half a year later at Weixiu’s house, a show that I completed in my own house, a day after.

It’s a very Serendipity-esque kind of show, catered to a hopeless romantic like me. The storyline is of two people, meant for each other, who keeps missing out on the opportunity to end up together. Either they’ve rushed into a commitment with someone else, or the timing just made getting together impossible… even the part where they started out without realizing how much they’re made for each other…

Point is, they never seem to be able to find each other, and get together.

I guess shows like this gives me hope. Hope that its just a matter of time before the one for me finds me, and I find her. Hope that its just a matter of time before she comes to realize I can be the one for her. Hope that one day this sad, sad act of mine can finally come to an end. Hope that my waiting will ultimately bear fruit, instead of dying with the knowledge that my romantic ideals ended in utter and abject failure and disappointment.

I liked it, actually. The show. It was a silly show, all in all… almost an indie flick in some ways… but I guess it was sweet… and like I said… I always had good vibes abt shows like this. I guess I’m never the sort to go for a straightforward romance. I believe that something worthwhile cannot possibly come by so easily. So unless it has come through fire and brimstone, through death and hell, I can’t possibly have found a romance that is worth dying for. And so I keep waiting for my dramatic turn of events that is ultimately supposed to culminate in my saying “I do”.

That aside, the new year has been a pretty quiet one. With still some things that I have yet to take care of, I started the year as I always do – in deficit. I’m still taking care of things I shd have settled last year, like cleaning my room, like finish reading all three books that I started yet never seemed likely to complete, like writing my New Year cards to people I was supposed to write Christmas cards for, like sorting out some things for the Levite Ministry…

The list goes on.

Just on Sunday, I was thinking to myself why does every year feel like the last one, and the one before? Why do I never seem to be moving on? Why does God seem to continually remain silent, when I’m crying out to Him again and again over a few things in my life? Why does He never seem to speak, or intervene? I spent the last week before the new year pretty much holing myself in, to take out for myself to think abt things, and sort my mind out… and on Sunday a thought suddenly struck me, totally out of the blue. I dare not say it was God who finally spoke to me, but at least its something to ponder over…

Perhaps its not that God isn’t speaking to me. All too often, what God seem to have to say to me is pretty straightforward. From renouncing some of my sinful habits, to finally taking some steps to change my bad habits in life, it’s the very simple things in my life that I’m aware I shd be doing. The things that always surfaces to my mind when I’m called to repent. The very things also, that I seem to have almost come to instinctively repress and overlook. Instead, I’m too eager to look for other things to repent from… telling myself that the old ones are things I know I have to take care of, so I shd look for the new and undiscovered ones. In the process of overlooking it, I always end up ignoring the very things that God seems to require of me.

In other words, its not that He isn’t speaking. Its just that I’ve learnt to filter out what He’s saying, but am only waiting for Him to say what I’m expecting to hear. Mebbe that’s why He seems to me, to be silent. And by that same token, its probably the reason why I never seem to think I’m moving on. With the same issues in my life that I’m refusing to let go of, and the same things that God is still patiently waiting for me to finally address, its no wonder that I feel like I’m back where I began.

I guess it’s a bit like cleaning my room… Its time to stop brushing things under the carpet, and hope it goes away. Its time to finally dig everything out, so that my room can finally clear out space for new things to go in, instead of always keeping the same clutter further buried inside my cupboard.

Here’s to 2006, and a year where I make space for God to finally do something new in my life… after I’ve taken care of business with the old.