My Vicarious Existence

I think its been a good week for me in many ways.

I think its not been a happy happy week, but its been a peaceful and relatively calm week. And I guess I've learnt to give thanks for that.

It seems the older you get, the more you start realising just how many more faults you've always had, which your friends who love you have all patiently been overlooking all these years. And it always leaves you sheepish and amazed. Sheepish at the realization of how you've never realized just how terrible you have been even as you proudly proclaimed how offensive others have been. Amazed at the level of tolerance that has been granted you by so many, without so much as a snide remark.

So much for "I know better"...

Hehz...

I've had pockets of space this week to do some reflections on my life this week, and I guess it threw out some of the same old stuff that just reminds me of my previous post. How perhaps I need to take care of these things first, before I can hear God speaking to me abt other things in my life, before He'll allow me to move on in my life.

I need to stop living my life vicariously. I guess part of my lack of ambition has always been my habit of just indulging in the life of others, and somehow being able to treat their experience as mine. In church, I'm content to always just sit back and direct from the back, giving feedback to the leaders and my own two cents'. I'm happy to do the lesser and more "meaningless" stuff, leaving the "big jobs" to others. I don't think I'm being lazy since I always end up taking a lot of things up, but I'd much rather be a leader in a different sense of the obvious one. My greatest "ambition" in life remains being a house-husband, my friends will be stupefied to learn. Yes, I'm the one who would be glad to stay home, do the house and look after the kids. I'd be glad to see my wife up the corporate ladder, and help her with her work... as long as it means I get to be the supporting role, instead of the lead. And on the topic of a wife, that probably remains hypothetical since I remain the person who probably won't really act on my emotions unless very very firmly prodded. I’d tell myself that since my affections are one-sided, I'd much rather just settle for seeing her happy with the person she finds, and be glad for her.

Shit man.

I’m spending way too much time with Paul.

Worse is how I’m picking up all his bad traits, and only picking up his bad traits.

I’m becoming the ultimate wuss, and I have even less ambition than him!!!

Ok, so mebbe it really ain’t abt me living vicariously. Its abt me being lazy and a wuss.

I’ve had a lot of pple come up to tell me how much they liked the song I posted up a while ago, 痴心绝对, and yes, thank you for the feedback. Its my fav song too. Am thinking of putting it down as my new ringtone, except that I no longer have the software to cut out the chorus and use it.

Grins.

Its kind of like my theme song right now…

Man Utd just signed two defenders, the first signings I’ve really approved of since Rooney. I’ve been harping on their need for defenders for just about the longest time already. Silvestre and Ferdinand together in the middle is like putting me and Paul in Manhunt 2006. Absolute disaster.

Xianghui’s wedding is next weekend. With the terrorist threat exercise likely to coming up over that weekend, its yet one more worry to pile on him. On my part I’m so swamped with the need to do the bachelor’s party, rehearse for the wedding rehearsal where I’m leading worship, think abt what to put into the video I need to film and put together, and work on the script with Pamela where we’re co-emceeing the dinner, I think I need to rest more when I can. This upcoming week is gonna be crazy.

Which, in a way is good.

I need to get my mind off myself. That way I stop moping and feeling sorry for myself, something I’m doing too much of.

Oh yes. One last thing. By virtue of her emotional blackmail, (hehz…) I hereby wonder how Diana is doing back in Australia. Or is it the States?

Ah well.

Bwahahahahahaha….

(Hey, I read your blog, and in response I’m at least sounding chirpier already. Grins.)