Foolish Thoughts

I’m so happy I finally got my internet connection back, I decided it warranted an entry.

And also, a return of the songs that always accompany my blog. I’ve specially chosen this one in honor of those I know out there who are in that stage of indecision of whether or not to go into a relationship with someone they’re crazy about.

Yes, you know I’m talking abt you!!!!

*wink wink*

Muahahahahaha…

I loved this song when I first heard it. It's cute. It's somehow damned real too. It made me wistful. It made me smile. Dammit.

Go ahead, go check out the lyrics!!

I almost ashamed to admit this, but I really really am a closet S.H.E. fan. They can’t really sing, but somehow their songs always pep me right up.

I’ve been having this really really bad neck problem that I dunno how to solve. I can’t really look down cos it really hurts a lot, and I’ve tried just abt everything, from muscle relaxants to changing my sleeping posture, from using Tempur pillows to sleeping early. Nothing seems to work, and it just aches like hell all day long. Its been like this for the past couple of months, by the way. Its like the menstrual cramps that won’t go away, except that its on my neck…

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!!

Yes, its also the reason why I’m still awake at 430am.

Ah well.

Had a good time today catching up with Xiying and Simon. Xiying’s only back for a week, and it was good to be able to actually talk to him face to face instead of replying to each other’s comments on his blog. Hehz… Of course, that idiot couldn’t stop throwing names in my face, of people that I should think abt dating, pushing me to give someone or another a try. I know he was doing it in jest, but part of me suspects that after he read my blog, he’s trying to fish for info, throwing names at me to see if I had any reaction.

But I’m waaaaaaaaaaaaay smarter than that!!!

Ha!!

Sorry.

Having a rather cranky night.

Hehz.

Anyway, abt my studies – I’m pretty slow now, dunno why. Lost a lot of my momentum. I dunno if I’m giving myself a lotta pressure. I know Paul’s gonna just laugh when he reads this… no way I’m giving myself too much pressure, he’d think. Idiot.

But seriously, I dunno what’s wrong with me. I’m feeling tensed, restless, my brain seems to freeze up whenever to hit my books, and I’m having a lot more trouble than usual trying to maintain my focus on things. Just tonight, while driving home, I twice caught myself letting my mind drift off.

My sister scolded me tonight for being too relational. Her philosophy has always been that there’s absolutely no one you can trust, in a world where even children can’t be trusted to maintain their parents in their twilight years. My philosophy has always been to revolve my life around a close community that I trust and keep faith with, to always be around to be my support, and for me to reciprocate in kind.

Think my sis was right after all? Even today with Xiying and Simon, we also spoke briefly on friends from the past that have all moved on. How we all used to be such a tight bunch, yet strangely enough it also didn’t’ really take much for all of us to just stop talking, and to just drift off. So who’s to say that those around me right now won’t end up doing the same? Why the effort and time invested to build and maintain friendships? Why the extra miles I go to sometimes to do things for friends on the spur of spontaneity?

(Damn, my mood just changed from being whimsical to being depressive. All in the space of the 15mins it took me to type thus far. Talk abt temperamental.)

I carried on reading The Zahir by Paul Coelho after all. Decided I shd at least finish it. I think he’s a really really cheap writer. Paul’s abt right when he describes Coelho as “Chicken Soup For The Soul”. There was nothing particularly fantastic abt his writing, his style, and I don’t really think he had any particular strong or defining feature in his writings. Its basically the equivalent of pop fiction.

But ah well.

The point I wanted to make is that there was one chapter where he wrote abt loneliness, that really hit home with me. Perhaps after my exams I’ll type out that short chapter. Cos it explains why so many of us do the silly things we do in our relationships, and why so many of us insist on carrying on down a path that we know is doomed – because if the alternative is to be alone, then we’d rather be stupid than be alone.

Not tonight, but there have been other nights when I’m up at this hour, wishing there was someone I could call to talk to, just to chase away the sudden onset of an oppressive feeling of loneliness. Someone who has pledged to go through my life experiences with me, one who has promised to be there for me when I need someone around, one whom I have in return pledged my whole person to as well.

So whatever else there was in the book that didn’t impress me, those 6 pages at least made reading the whole volume worth the read. Because it helped me crystallize a few thoughts on why we can be such silly creatures sometimes in the name of love – very often we’re not silly in the name of love. We’re silly in the name of fear.

We’re afraid of being lonely, so we choose to just be silly instead.