I Need A Brain-Wash

What do you do to get stuff off your mind?

I wonder.

One way is to live in denial, and just tell yourself things will get better enough times till you honestly believe it. Or even worse, convince yourself that it never was a problem in the first place, that its alright, then get yourself to totally buy into the lie.

Alternatively, you could distract yourself. That could take the form of many things. Movies, games, friends, hobbies (most guys use porn, as a matter of fact…), sports… etc. A popular option appears to be ironing clothes. Quite a few of my friends tell me they start ironing their clothes when they’re bothered by something. (I used to tell them that I’ll send them my clothes first if I have any distressing news for them.)

I like to write them down. After I’ve somehow crystallized my thoughts into some form of order, I find myself more able to actually see things clearly. And sometimes by framing them a certain way, I allow a particular bias to take centre-stage, thus dictating my response. Of course, even if things look really bad, putting it down somewhere helps, the same way as telling a friend would. I’ve managed to ‘unload’ my pent up frustrations, my fears, my obsessions… etc. All this helps preserve my sanity for that much longer, till the next time I can’t take it anymore and again seek solace such writings.

Unfortunately, with this blog increasingly entering the domain of public reading (For example I finally figured out who my “Other Annonymous” is… and I had no clue he was even reading this!!!!), the more I feel there is a responsibility on my part to be careful in my choice of words, so as not to either inconvenience anyone, inadvertently betray someone’s trust, make public some things that are meant to only be shared amongst closer friends, or otherwise just too plain embarrassing to let so many pple know. Thus, I’ve again started writing in my journal.

Of course, that creates in me a certain anxiety, because therein contains some of my most private thoughts, which I didn’t even dare to put down here when I had thought it was a blog no one knew of. And given how often I misplace things, or leave things behind, I’m rather paranoid abt the things inside ever being found out by anyone. So… Hehz… I decided to put my paranoia down here, to alleviate some of it.

Past couple of days, I’ve been down at Rulin’s place, baking both muffins and a cheesecake. Both things turned out remarkably well, all things considered. Both nights Edmund was ard, and tonight Paul joined us too. We ate, drank and talked, and I guess it was a good time to unwind from some pretty heavy-hearted weeks that I’ve had in Feb. But it increasingly confirms that I’m going through a phase now in my life where I’m finding back a lot of my old friends. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good or bad thing, but at least I’m very sure that seems to be the season I’m going through.

But at least so far I’m enjoying it.

My dear Enhan goes into NS tmr… and I guess I’m not half as worried as his gf, or his family. Somehow having gone through the system yourself, you know it isn’t half as bad as the urban legends you hear abt NS making or breaking a man. At the heart of it all, NS is as much a life-changing experience as Poly or Uni can be. Some will change drastically, others will emerge totally unscathed.

We talked a lot abt relationships. And I think I’ve been trying very hard to run away from that topic since the turn of the year. Whether its abt resolving my issues with Grace, or my search for my “Fiona” as some smart-asses have been going on about, or “loneliness and the search for a soulmate” as Xiying summarizes it, I’ve tried to ignore it when it creeps up. Mostly because I felt I needed to take a break to clear my head, because I was getting too raveled up in my own thoughts. Secondly because I didn’t want to let my life be so caught up in this one aspect of my life that I forget how there’s a lot more to my life that I should not neglect as well. Thirdly because the more I thought about it, the more I come to see the futility of such thoughts, and I’m rather not be bogged down forever in a vicious circle.

So following the past two nights, as well as my little exchanges with Xiying on his blog, suddenly it seems that this impasse in my life again rears it (ugly) head.

Which brings me back to what I asked at first – what do you do to get things off your mind?

Worst thing is how it rears its head at a time when I think I can ill afford it, since I need to be studying. But its like birds that fly over your head – you never see them coming, and when they do there’s nothing you can do abt it.