Going Once... Going Twice...

Ah hell. I don't think its ever gonna go away. In fact, I wonder if its ever possible for it to actually go away. I'm talking abt the whole thing I had with Grace. Grins. Nopes, it ain't a rant abt my ex again, like all 6,462,923,734 of my blog entries in the past. Its just something that came into my head when I was musing. That in my context, its almost impossible to run away. At one level, we share the same church, and thus a lot of friends. We share a common past of 4 yrs, thus inevitably developing some similar habits and even speech patterns. In fact, as I was reading through some stuff I penned from 1997 and 1998, before I got together with her, her name came up even then, because she was highlighted as a potential leader in the fellowship.

In a church setting we keep talking abt the grace of God. And so I can't even run away from the name. Its like there is absolutely no insulation against her name man. Hahaha... and last night I asked Syl what her reaction would be if I told her I liked her. No, I'm not interested in her. Just wanted to check out what me and Paul were talking abt that day, of how it would be quite impossible to get a girl to spend the rest of her life with me, given my current state of affairs, except for thsoe who's known me before I got into all this mess. And Syl's response was that she would never think its possible because of Grace. Ugh. Ah well. Wrong person to ask, I suppose. Then she ironically tried to encourage me by reminding me that His grace is sufficient for me. Hahahaha... I'm all for dramatic irony, but sometimes God can be just so hilarious.

Ah well. Mebbe its the weather. Its one of those days when I just don't seem to be able to kick into gear to study, and so am just musing to myself. One of those days when I'm actually emotionally pretty flat. Not feeling high, nor down, just not really feeling anything at all. The English language should have an equivalent for the word "Sian". Its so useful. So descriptive. So to-the-point. And so it is that I start a monday morning, a new week, wondering abt just what I'm gonna do after my exams. I actually dun feel like going overseas. Wanna just camp out somewhere in S'pore, and have some time to myself. Then again I wonder - why time to myself? Don't I have plenty of that already? Am I really so tired of being around people? I guess I am.

Somehow its always just so tiring when talking to people face-to-face. Its so much easier talking on the phone. There's actually very few pple whose company I enjoy. I count less than 15. Even in the tuanqi setting, as much I enjoy myself, its so tiring. Esp so when I assume the role of crowd pleaser. Everyone goes home happy, my ego takes gets a temporary boost, and when the adrenalin rush goes way, the feeling of absolute exhaustion sets in. Only to a few do I actually open up, and ask to be pleased by them. Grins. And mebbe if I can have but these few at my deathbed, it would be enough.

Alternatively, I shd just start being a bigger idiot, and go around expecting to be pleased. A bigger bastard, someone with an attitude problem, and stop being so nice to everyone around me. And I don't mean whining abt wanting attention. That's being a nice bastard. I mean being a real jackass, who goes around DEMANDING that people pander to his needs, and panders to his ego. Hehz... man, if I ever can stop being a wuss for one day, I might give that a try. I'm just afarid it might end up being more tiring than being a nice guy.

Grins.

Man, this blog is turning into my crap outlet. Help. I need to stop putting my stream of concisousnes into it, and start putting something with a bit more intelligence into it.

Murphy's Law

So I ended my last entry talking abt how I hope I pass my driving before Weimin and Jean does. Turns out I'm the only one who failed. Wuahahahahaha... Talk abt irony. And Jean actually passed her driving with just 2 miserable points, while I chalked up 34. All that with the same warm-up instructor and the same tester!!! Bloody hell. Grins. But still, really glad for Weimin that she finally passed. Was starting to really worry for her if she had failed. It was her 5th time already.

Its been a pretty interesting week all in all. Watched Shark's Tale with Paul, practiced hard for my driving, had a bit of time to myself to just do some thinking, and also to take a few customary hits every week. One of which was the really bewildering news that Ruth's parents don't want her talking to me. Grins. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea how in the world I got into trouble with them man. And esp since I'm always so good with parents, being on the bad side of them actually is a most unfamiliar feeling for me. Ah well. It started as Ruth just mentioning that her mom told her to not talk to me. Didn't think too much abt that at first. Made a mental note to not msg her so much nonsense, that's all. Later that night, when we said hi on ICQ, her dad pulled the connection after seeing her talking to me. Whoa! Man, that's when I realized something was up. Anyway, spooky...

Moving on to another Ruth now. ARPC finally finished its series on the book of Ruth. And I think Andrew Ong did a pretty good job of wrapping it up. He's actually coming along really fine as a preacher. Much better than Sim Boon Yong actually. Weixiu actually kept on hounding me because I mentioned that his msg was actually pretty unsatisfactory, since it left a lot of gaping holes in what tried to present. Man... she wouldn't let up for the whole darned week. *shudder* THAT'S the girl pple want me to spend the rest of my life with?????

Ah well. One other thing that came back to hound me was when Ruth mentioned how Grace looked pretty upset after bumping into me. Came as a little bit of a shock actually. Thought she would have been over me already. Esp with Andrew by her side. Grins. Ah well. Friday night I got to spend some time with Zhanhao and Michael, and Zhan Hao suddenly mentioned Grace in a particular context, asking if I broke up with her because she refused to pander to me, and pamper me. Grins. Man, I was so tempted to tell him the truth of how it was the other way around, that she left me after I refused to pander to her anymore. Grins. But with Michael ard as well, I decided not to say anything la. So I blamed it all on Paul, making it known that he was the third party that split us up. Grins.

It gets better. Ben also came up in the conversation, and I can't help but wonder what really goes on in his head. Does he not like me simply because he wants to pander to Andrew? Or is it because he failed to steal my girlfriend and knows he looks really bad for having tried? Grins. Anyway, he's just abt the only person whom I really don't understand. Simply cos I refuse to believe how anyone could be THAT stupid. Ah well.

Speaking of stupidity now (I'm on a roll, baby...), Bush won the elections against Kerry. BLOODY HELL. And if that wasn't bad enough, that America had so many morons who actually bought Bush's spin, it seems that a lotta S'poreans are actually very glad too, that Bush won. Can you believe that??? I hope these pple like terrorists and a bad economy, cos those are the only 2 things Bush produced in the first 4 yrs. God knows he doesn't look like he's gonna be able to do much better in the next 4.

Been having a couple of weird dreams lately also. One was that I was shopping in a supermarket somewhere, and bumped into Serene, and ended up doing my shopping with her. I don't even know where to begin wondering abt that. Another night I dreamt I was talking to Weimin abt something in church, when Fort Canning suddenly became a volcano and erupted. With everyone running for their lives, I was trying to look for her cos she's disappeared. So it was like a nightmare, seeing the church burn down, pple running for their lives. And halfway through, I saw Ruth with her family and so had to avoid running into them (Guess I know where THAT came from, at least. Grins.). All in all, I woke up with a sense of amazement at the sheer stupidity of my dreams. This doesn't include the number of dreams I had of the many scenarios in which I could fail my exams and end up penniless, loveless, gutless.

Oh wait, I already am pretty gutless.

Hehz...

No wait. Loveless too.

Ah hell, come to think of it, I'm always penniless.

Ugh.

Rejoice In The Lord Always... or not.

Seems like everytime I come back here, its to report that week in week out, I've had eventfully meaningless things happening. even deaths in the family seems routine after a while, as we all just go through the familiar motions of the wake and the burial/cremation. Otherwise its the same paranoia of failing my exams still, and left with a pretty bleak future with only an A'level cert to show for the past 5 yrs of failures. Even more paranoia abt my spiritual life, abt church, abt my inability to overcome the hurt from both Grace and other friends.

The Beatitudes lists 9 blessings to 9 types of people. Blessings of the kingdom of heaven, comfort, mercy, and of seeing God. In return, you need to be meek, merciful, pure, peace-loving amongst other things. Just where in the spectrum of those who are blessed do I stand? Am I even one of those who are considered blessed? And if not these, what sort of blessings do God promise, that I think I'm receiving? I mean, on the one hand I think I really lucky just to have 10 fingers and toes. Two arms, legs, eyes and ears... etc. I really am thankful. Yet I wonder why God doesn't seem to make this night end. So much activity and laughter in the day, yet when I settle down at my computer to recount my week, all I seem to be able to put down are the dark moments of despair and paranoia. I wonder if I get to heaven, if the great men of God would confess to facing similar desperation when alone, or if its just me. How can a foreteaste of heaven and the joy it brings result in a life that always lives in shadows? Or is apostle Paul giving an incredibly optimistic exhortation when we're told to "Be joyful always"?

Cos I can't.

My joyful moments seem to be more a form of labour for me, while despair seems to be my natural state. And as much as I probaly can generate a list as long as the opposite, for the things I can take joy and gratitude in, it never seems to ring as true as my depression. In fact, they don't seem to ring true at all.

Hehz... I remember the parable in Shattered Dreams, where the man's life just keeps turning for the worse one after another. I wonder if that is the case, cos if so I won't mind it that much since it serves a purpose. But if I'm living in this darkness for no prupose other than just because I'm in a rut, then I guess I can just go out of the house, find a ditch and kill myself in it already.

Ah well. On the slightly brighter side, we had a really good session yesterday in church, where some church elders, Liu Mu Shi and Zhang Mu Shi came down to meet with the Youth Min leaders to dialogue and to also bounce ideas off each other. I think its really good that they finally bother to come down to meet with us and talk to us direct. And mebbe its cos I've switched my bias (it prob is half that as well...), but the leaders don't seem to be half as distrusting and out of touch with our position as Andrew always made them out to be. When he made himself the only proxy between the youth min and the church leadership, all we heard was how they don't approve of our ideas and the way we want to run things. Yet our own dialogues with them have turned out to be a pretty open affair, and they seem more than willing to consider what we have to say.

Sheesh.

Next week is my driving test. Monday is Weimin's test, thursday is Jean's and friday's mine. I hope I pass before the two of them does. Grins. And right now, Paul's thinking that if I drive like I did his car that day, I prob won't be allowed to drive even in heaven.

Or hell.

Grins.

The Winner Takes It All

So everything's finally settled, and my grandma has been laid to rest. The really really busy week is finally over, and the family can get back to the business of the daily humdrum of life. Was at the Esplanade last night, catching Mamma Mia, the collection of songs from ABBA made into a musical. I've always liked the stage since I was a kid, and always enjoyed a good musical. From My Fair Lady to Fiddler On The Roof, the musical stage has always managed to enthrall me with the song's ability to capture the moods and sentiments in a way that mere prose and dialogue never could. And last night was absiolutely unforgettable. Throw aside the fact that I was again playing lightbulb to Weimin and Enhan, the show was nothing short of spectacular, and even though it prob wasn't too good from a professional point of view since even I caught some mistakes they made, it was nonetheless a really well put up, and even more cleverly written script, stringing together some of ABBA's greatest hits.

Admittedly I went with a pretty limited understanding of ABBA's songs, the only one I know well being The Winner Takes It All, I actually heard most of their songs before. After all, who hasn't? The story was of a girl who was getting married the next day, but does not know who her real father is. After all, her mom slept with three men at abt the same time, so anyone of them could have fathered her. So she sets out to find out, by inviting all three to her wedding. So the story goes, and the songs just don't stop coming one after another, strung up very nicely.

I wasn't disappointed with the rendition of The Winner Takes It All. Really well delivered, and cleverly inserted into the storyline. Something abt the lyrics to the song always strikes a chord in me. The resignation that it expresses, the regret and the fatalism that it brings out... hehz.

The Winner Takes It All
I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all

Ah well. I remember as a kid thinking that the good guys always win. That somehow, as long as I'm a good guy, I won't end up on the dirt, at least not for long. But that has perhaps come as one of the biggest fantasy that has been shattered, as I find myself again and again on the receiving end of being too nice. If I were a little more of a bastard, I might have got the girl. Cut a corner and I'd have made more money. Stopped trying to help people and I'd have wasted a lot less money, have more time for myself, and mebbe end up being a lot more streetwise. And now looking back at the song I'm reminded that at the end of the day its the winner who takes it all. Why be the nice guy? Nice guys always finish last.

Someday I'm going to have to revisit my spiritual life. Was telling God last night after the show, as I was taking a walk at the park beside Thomson Plaza, that I think sometimes its always so hard to look to future glory, because so many things here seems to capture my heart. From the fact that at 25 I still dunno what I wanna do with my life, to the ever-present struggle between wanting a soul-mate to settle down with and the cynicism that such a girl really exists, to wondering whY I can't evern seem to embrace the innocent faith and love for God I see in many pple around me.

I think I fall into the category of guys who only wants what he can't have. And God's love is just a little too easy to win. And therefore just a little too easy to forget. Shit man. Mebbe God was right after all to make me wait just about forever to meet my partner. Just so I don't forget her name on the way home. Muahahaha...

Revisiting Shadowlands

So here we go again, revisting the death if someone in the family. This time the honor goes to my grandma who maanged to live to a ripe old age of 102. I never was able to talk to her much, since she spoke nothing except Hokkien, and in this case it might as well have been Greek.

I got word of it on sunday, halfway through cell when my dad phoned me to say she was in a bad way. I told him I'd rush down after cell, only to receive a msg an hr later that she passed away. Still, having known her since I was born, and having grown up for the first 5 yrs of my life under the same roof as her, I guess it does hit me a certain way when she passes away. The sense that another part of my history has detached itself. I used to muse abt how the passing of my elders in the family is the benchmark that I've grown up, and that its time to take their place. Yet, with the passing of her, and the reality that my dad's brother has also already passed away, I'm in no way feeling any older, or anywhere closer to being able to step into their shoes.

The wake service today has been an awkward one, given the fact that we're actually on really bad terms with my dad's side of the family. Without knowing too much abt the details, it probably is safe to say it boils down to money and sibling rivalry, where our family ended up being kicked out of the house, this moving to Sembawang Pig Farm where we currently reside. Fast forward 20 years, and we're still still at it, and its sad that even the passing of a loved one doesn't help much to bridge the gap. I wonder if this was what it was like when Issac and Ishmael came back together to bury Abraham. Cos if it were, then I guess that explains the tension that still exists today between the Jews and the Arabs. Grins.

Speaking of grudges, Andrew, Yuzhen and Audrey actually came down today for the wake service. Thank God I managed to avoid Andrew all the way. I tried reconciliation before, and was snubbed. I guess what's left is just avoidance. Still, it was quite a feat given how the whole parlour was so bloody small. But I couldn't help thinking of the inherent irony that existed within the scenario, where the family itself is unable to get together to mourn the loss of a loved one, and at the same time there exists not just a divided family, but a divided church. I'd be kidding myself if I say what Andrew did no longer rankles. The way he behaved not only hurt me, it also deeply disappointed me that someone whom I used to look up to so much could turn out to be like that. And even worse, how his tuanqi doesn't realise it. I hope he believes in the idea of hell, cos he sure doesn't seem to act like he does.

Grins.

And right there and then I realised how the grudge in my family could have lasted all 25 yrs and beyond. For if someone within the church could hurt me so much, how much more must be the scar from the friction within a family. And I who used to think how stupid my dad was to have sulked in the same corner for all this while, am suddenly confronted with the reality that I'm either eerily like him, or else to recognize and empathize with why he behaves this way.

Back to my grandma.

Her eulogy was surprisingly beautiful, delivered by her pastor who's known her for more than 40 yrs. Tho his sermon absolutely sucked, he delivered a really sweet eulogy. And again that talk surfaces of heaven, and of future glory, something which is so easy to forget in pursuit of daily discipline, and the focus on the now. The sermon on sunday itself was also abt future glory, making it surprisingly apt.

Ah well.

Its gonna be another excruciatingly long two nights. Hope I can last through it man. Burial's on thursday.

I ain't shitty, I'm pink

Its thursday. Another week has passed, and its turned out to be a pretty remarkable week. From Serene going up on stage to lead the response song at service, to having everyone ard me come down with a bad case of flu and sore throat, to my series of tests finally being over, and even to England winning 2 matches on the trot!!! Muahahaha.... even more amazing is that Michael Owen scored. One of those rare occasions.

Speaking of rare, I actually met up with Paul too!!! Hahahahahahaha... Yeah, we had dinner and had time to bitch abt how big a bastard each other is. Grins. Gonna miss doing that in a couple of years' time when he's too busy changing the diapers for his babies. Ha!

Had supper with Caleb last night, and Syl showed up later. And its really hilarious, cos she sorta confessed that with Johan being so nice to her and all, she finds that she's wavering, and sort of liking him back. Not that its any big news, since it was coming from 10,000 miles away, but it still yet again adds to the overwhelming mountain of stats that says if you like a girl, just keep plugging away being nice to her and she'll bite. Eventually.

Now I just need to get my hands on Michelle Chia's contact. Grins. I wonder if April's number still works... hmm...

Anyway, there was this really intereting question raised by my friend the other day, and I asked ard for a response. No one really gave a fully complete reply. But then again, there prob wasn't a real complete reply too. She asked what's the difference btw disciplining your feelings, and suppressing it. And I guess I was pretty intrigued by the whole thing, and the ramifications of that. Cos if (the answer ultimately touted) discipline only lends a rationale to the act, the ultimate act itself is still one of suppression. And if so, I guess suppression of your feelings ain't as bad as so many pple instinctively make it out to be.

Yet my question was then what sort of difference is there between suppression and denial? Between suppressing how you feel for someone whom you know is impossible, and the denial that it is still there, what's in between? I see guys like Aaron who can move on to Shirley barely 2 weeks after being rejected by Violet, and yet in one sense you can't fault a guy for moving on, can you? So what if he had waited 2 yrs instead of 2 weeks before going out with Shirley? Would that have made things any more acceptable? And if then he still liked Violet, does it mean he can't ever go out with someone else?

I see someone like Daoxing in my own tuanqi, carrying a torch for Serene for just abt forever already. Yet he's also liked lotsa other girls in the meanwhile. Like I was telling Syl last night, I wonder if he was suppressing his feelings for Serene then, was in denial, or was he just totally clueless? How would a girl feel if I told her I am courting her, but that she's the girl I moved on to because the girl I truly liked isn't reciprocating? Won't that make me an absolute bastard?

Hahahaha... I'm kindda like what Paul describes as an "old sneakers guy". I like old stuff. I like things "the way they were". Mebbe that's why I find it so hard to ever want to move on to a new relationship. I'd rather just not be attached again. Or else stay within the current circle of friends I have to look for someone. I keep talking abt expanding my circle of friends, but at 25 I guess I've more or less settled on a circle of friends I want to keep, and I no longer have the energy to make new friends. Not many, anyway. Enhan and Ruth are actually 2 pple I'm bothering with. Pretty surprising that I do, actually. Mebbe I still got what it takes, but pple nowadays just don't open up as willingly anymore.

Anyway, I'm really really really worried for Bernice. Just saw the new schedule for the Levite Ministry. With John the latest to step down from the ministry, I really dunno how she and Henry are gonna cope man. Hope they can just hang in there, since I'll try my best to be back from dec onwards.

Ah well. Back to my studies.

I ain't smelly, Nut. I wash. Grins. That's why my shit is pink. Muahahahaha...

Love & Ice-Cream

Well, I just finished a test on Social Inequality. Over the phone to Paul, my answers seemed to come out fine. But I have a feeling I was a lot more garbled in my writing. Damn. I was never born to be an academic writer. Heck, I was never meant to be an academic OR a writer. Hehz...

Realized that its been a really long while since I last spoke to Paul. Of course, its all because we've both been so busy (Have to be REALLY careful here, in order not to hurt my sensitive friend into thinking I'm putting the blame on him. He's such a delicate guy... ), that even phone conversations have been short. So it came as a little shock when he realized he hasn't told me abt his SAF case. Turned out that after the pro-rated calculations, he has a liability of ard 70K to pay off. On top of which... Here's the bombshell... He has another 706 days to serve out his NSF liability!!! Wuahahahahaha... Man, that's really gotta suck above all. Dunno how the hell they reached that figure. Even under contract, he would have just about finished it already. He said he's gonna appeal. Just dunno if its gonna make any difference.

Back to my rant on women... (grins) Nut, if you're ever gonna grow up into a woman, pls promise me you'll not end up such A... err... Nutcase. Grins.

Was thinking to myself how its like a cycle. Paul's honeymoon is drawing to an end... Simon's honeymoon too... Caleb's... Well, it never managed to really even take off. And Weimin and Ham have just abt been at it forever.

I really really really look at them, think back to the amt of grief I took when I was attached, and I wonder if its really worth it. Mebbe Apostle Paul was right after all. Mebbe it really IS a heck of a lot better to be single.

Ah well. I'm really just going on in a cycle. Listening to me work this out again and again in my blogs, you'd think it was a pressing issue, with the many girls just waiting for me to say yes to them. Sigh. Sad to report I can't even hold on to a boyfriend, much less get myself a girl who'd be remotely interested in considering spending the rest of her life with me.

Grins. I'd have a much better time, much more productive time, if I labored at length about the kind of ice-cream I'd like, and the grief that comes with eating too much... cos I can actually follow it up with a trip to Cold Storage.

Hahahahaha.... mebbe I'll do just that. Grins.

Stab me! Now!!!

Caleb called me last night, and was telling me abt how he had a talk with Naomi last night, and it seems that she pretty plainly told him to back off a bit cos she felt it wasn't the right time for them to be together.

Man, I really didn't know what to say to him. For all this while, she has been bringing him out with her, going out to meet her friends all all... then meeting all his friends... making plans to go on trips together, having gone on trips together already... then out of the blue she drops the bombshell that she still likes a guy who's currently engaged to be married. So she wants Caleb to back off a little, and "let God lead". Man! Hehz... I straight away thought of the time when Paul was agonizing over the Ape, and whether or not to tell her how he felt... and how it all turned out redundant after all, cos she decided to stick to her boyfriend.

Why the hell are girls so bloody hard to figure out? There was absolutely NOTHING at all that suggested she wasn't keen on taking their friendship one step further. There was also NOTHING at all that mentioned she was still interested in a guy who's engaged (Not to mention how wrong that sounds...), and I still remain utterly bewildered by girls who like to brush things off with a "let God lead, so right now lets not meet up so much".

I mean, the rule of teh thumb in friendships is very simple - keep in touch constantly and you draw closer. Back away and you lose touch. Period. So unless the girl has in mind that having once been close friends, when God decides to lead, they could have been out of touch for a couple of years but God will myteriously put the notion of each other back into their heads, and they'll end up together eventually. If I ever wrote a TV serial with such a development, no one's gonna believe it. Throw in the notion of God, and everyone believes that's how God intervenes

Amazing!

So there was poor Caleb, suddenly left hanging yet again. I mean, the girl's cute enough I guess... but I seriously if she's right in her head for Caleb la. One of those Pamela-esque girls who espouses that very vague notion of faith, and attributes a lot of things to it without really pausing to think it through.

A reminder once again to me abt how women are so impossibly unpredictable, that the next time I think I've got the going pretty good with a girl, I shd always just tell myself the exact opposite could be happening. Wait a minute... that's what happened with my ex. Grins. When all the while I thought she was in love with me, and was wrong. Muahahahahahaha...

Speaking of which, Simon called me also last night, asking me what could have prompted me to break off a 4 yr r/s. I suspect he's going through his first spate of problems with Charlotte. Hehz... But I just didn't have time to talk to him la. Too much problems on my own part oredi. But I'll prob try to make time for him next wk.

Ah well. That aside, monday was Daoxing's birthday, wednesday was Weixiu's. 24th is Huilin's, and 25th is Enoch's. I'm going bloody broke man.

Not to mention I just finished an essay, have to rush a video and study for Tan Ern Ser's paper tmr... man, just kill me now.

*stab stab*

There And Back Again

Back in school, and back again to that feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that its really still me against the world. Hey, I have lotsa friends, who even bother to actually message me, call me, and just generally check on me and look out for me. And for that I'm grateful. And it does help. Yet I guess its times like this when I sit down and realise that I'm still alone.

And I think a big part of that is having someone whom I can love, and show my love to.

There's a joy and a fullfilment that comes from being able to do something for that someone you love - a hug, a gesture, a word, a gift, a message... you name it. And to be able to drink in her smile, her gratitude, her appreciation - makes the time away easier to bear, knowing that just I'm thinking of her when we're apart, she'll also be thinking of me.

Sigh. So I'm either desperately tired from my lack of sleep, or else just generally very tired of being single. Hehz... yet its funny, since I keep swinging between the great appreciattion of being single and able to live my own life, and that sense of wonder at what am I supposed to do with so much time on my hands.

Lord, I need a girl who can give me my space, yet also can admit a need for me. A girl who can actually understand me in all the times when I'm too silly to just say what I mean, but rather decide to say the opposite. A girl who can both tell me off when I'm wrong, yet also pander enough to my ego to not put me down all the time. A girl who can say she loves me not for anything I possess or any attributes that I have, for otherwise then I'm surely dead. A girl... who basically does not exist... at least, not within my radar so far.

Sigh.

Why can't God just make the girl you're supposed to end up with end up living next door to you? Doesn't that make things so much easier?

Shit man. I'm seriously losing it here.

There And Back Again

So its yet another week again, and I'm back in school trying to tell myself to study. Its a desperately lonely feeling sometimes, and I guess on such a morning as this, I'm feeling it all the more keenly. Hey, I've got lotsa friends around, and many of whom do msg and keep asking how I am, and checking in on me to make sure that I'm ok, and that I'm studying. So why the loneliness that doesn't seem to go away?

I guess I miss being able to do things for pple. There's a certain joy to be derived from being able to do things for pple, to show them that you care, and that you remember. The satisfaction you get when you see the look on their face, or the appreciation that they express after many years at something you did for them back then... its always been something I like doing.

So I guess sometimes I miss being able to do that. Now after I'm single, I've missed out a lot on doing such things. Sending someone home, cooking for her, buying little gifts, all the little affections that I can dish out, that right now I don't have an outlet.

So I swing from being able to enjoy my singlehood and the freedom that comes with it, and the moments when I wonder what to do with all the free time I have.

I guess I never seem to be able to make up my mind, and know what is it that I want.

What Now?

Her I am, on the rare day I actually reach school really early, and am sitting down in the arts canteen, doing my quiet time. And the verse that I shared with Enhan just the other day for BS just seem to keep coming back to haunt me.

"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. " - 2 Cor 5:10

I'm reminded that "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." - James 3:1

So there I was that day reminding him that as a christian, we all have to give an account of how we've invested the talents that God gave us. With the kind of lethargy and almost indifference that he seems to display abt his spiritual life, I guess I have to admit I was partly trying to jolt him with 2 Cor 5:10. Yet now as I sit down here, I am asking myself how I measure up.

I've been a christian for just abt forever now, since I was in Pri 6. That's abt 13 yrs as a christian. I've led a total of 2 persons to Christ, and only shared with a total of less than 30 people.That's only abt 2 persons a yr that I've shared the gospel with, the bulk of that number coming from random street evangelism that I did with Campus Crusade. Take away those 3 yrs of my life, and I've shared with mebbe 3 people in 10 yrs. So much for having been compelled by the love of Christ. And scarily, as I sit down to ponder... other than faithful service to God in church and with the people inside, I really can't count too much in terms of a walk with Him that has served to let me know Him better, growing in Him, or perhaps just really being involved in Him.

I mean, I sometimes look at people like Eric and Weixiu, and I think they might just be the real thing after all. I mean, just as how I can learn so much abt Joz from Paul, or what's going on between Weimin and Enhan cos they inevitably keep mentioning their partners, and what they did together. And I know it sure ain't outta any sense of privacy that I keep my walk with God so secret. I just really don't have a lot to say. My mind hardly ever wanders to what God says to me everyday, at most the latest happenings in the unending cycle of church politics. I sit down on a bus and my thoughts drift to everything from soccer to the cars that pass by, and of course the pretty girls that I see. But never ever to verses I'm supposed to memorize, the QT I did for the morning (A BIG assumption being that I actually did QT that morning), and generally to have the discipline that tries to live each moment with the awareness that wants to please God.

Its all so abstract, its actually really scary. If my faith is really so abstract, what do I make of it? Is it actually there? Or have I really been living a lie all this while? People will say that I therefore need to change and discipline myself. But isn't that supposed to be the work of the Spirit? If I can't be saved by works, hasn't the past 13 years been proof of how one can try so hard at loving God, and yet end up hitting so far off the mark? How would trying even harder help?

They say a person who has been on the receiving end of grace knows it, and will know the importance of giving it. Perhaps I can't forgive Andrew cos I never did feel like I was on the receiving end of grace, and is unable to give it.

Or, perhaps I'm just a wuss. I great big wuss.

God In The Wilderness

Well, lotsa things have happened also in the past few days. Paul received an administrative discharge from the SAF, for one. Weixiu started work at Reuters. My laptop got seriously screwed up by the guys at the Computer Center, Weimin fell terribly sick, and my mom dropped the bombshell on me that I'm to accompany her, my dad and my aunt to the Hainanese Island in Dec.

Whew! Ah well. But anyway, I was really really happy on sunday, seeing Henry back on the pulpit, leading worship. Hehz... Its been one and a half years since he left the church after falling out with Andrew, until he came back to play for the Youth Service. And to see him take yet another step forward to lead worship once again... Its something that's very encouraging.

We met at Zhang Mu Shi's place again yesterday, and we watched this video called "The Cross-Jesus in Asia". And I guess after being pretty jaded as a Christian in Singapore, its amazing to see how God is really doing things in China. How their lives are being changed all over again. How they have a "reality" to their hope, that goes beyond mere rhetoric and ideals. The testimonies of how a broken marriage can be restored by the new found faith of just the wife, and how drug addicts find the ability to quit their addiction... And Zhang Mu Shi raised the question later of what is it that these pple have, that our church doesn't? What did these pple do that enabled them to really change their lives in accordance with what the bible says? So that when the Bible exhorts us to clap our hands and sing to the Lord, they can genuinely do so. While back in my own church I feel no such inclination at all? I guess even the word "jaded' doesn't really come close to describing the overall cynicism and lethargy that I feel in church now on most days. And when I feel such an impulse to praise, it almost automatically gets suppressed back as emotionalism and I choose to restrain myself.

So Zhang Mu Shi was talking also abt how he feels the core of it lies in how they love. And I guess 1 Cor 13 has been something that's been ringing in my ears for pretty much the whole year so far already. I've lost count of the number of times it has come up in my mind on occasions, in conversations, and even in sermons. It almost seems that God's absolutely hollering away at me with that passage. Anyway, Zhang Mu Shi went on to talk abt how God is the source of love, and how ultimately it is love and love alone that provides a way out from mere justice, and that can also bring about a life transformation. And right there and then, it all made sense to me. That how jaded I am is a reflection of how far I've strayed away from God, that I've even become cynical abt His love for me. I mean, I still have a great love for the fact that God died for me, but it somehow no longer motivates me to have a gratitude that will react to it beyond mere apathy.

He went on to talk abt how he was reading a book on God being outside in the wilderness already. Kindda like what Chris Chia just shared on Saturday when I went for service. How we've all become leaders who serve the church rather than God, who worship in church rather than worship God. How we've gradually let so many of our experiences in church and in life supercede the reality of God in our life, that gradually God just becomes more and more abstract, more and more distant. Until He get reduced into a doctrine, and becomes deified in our lives.

It's food for thought.

Speaking of food, his wife is really really such an excellent cook man. I always overeat at his house. Afterwards we had a really good time, where Zhang Mu Shi, Bernice and I stayed back to discuss the outlook of our church and particularly the Youth Ministry for the next few years. We were talking abt the merger between the youth fellowship and the Sunday school. I told him I think the current plan is absolutely untenable, and he felt the same. So we put our heads together, and came up with a really cool proposal. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the idea gets its airtime. Then we went on to talk abt the direction of the Youth Ministry, and how we can do something abt the current lethargy that's so evident in it. We talked abt a lot of the problems that the leaders currently faced, we talked abt LiJuan, and how Bernice and I feel she's' done such an excellent job but are worried that if she's given the portfolio of the Sunday sch as well it'll crush her.

And finally, we also talked abt Andrew. Zhang Mu Shi asked my opinion. Hehz... Man, I always thought I was not very disciplined... But boy, did I show restraint man. Grins. But I guess I always knew that Andrew was one big issue in my personal life that I need to address. I've always found it easy to forgive someone. Yet Andrew is the first person whom until this day if anyone mentions his name, I still feel a keen sense of resentment in me. Resentment at what he did to me and Grace (Yes, Paul's gonna mention how her name inevitably crops up, bloody idiot.), resentment at what he's done to the Youth Ministry, and an overall desire to see something done to him to address the wrong that he's done so many.

I guess that's why God's been trying so hard to drill into me the message of love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And so were ended up thinking what could have gone wrong in the life of a man who showed so much promise in church. He was supposed to be the next big thing. He had just abt everything. Passion, commitment, a love for God's Word, talent, capability, leadership, charisma... You name it, he's got it. And I got a personal lesson in how pride can be the worst of all sins. His ministries all showed so much promise, yet inevitably collapsed on itself. And when it does, he blames everyone in the whole church except himself. That's how he drove Henry and Patrick from his side. That's how he lost the regard of the whole church leadership. And that's why he's left with nothing except a fellowship that isn't doing too well at the moment also.

I remember Simon telling me to learn to pray for him. And its been just abt the hardest thing I've ever done. Which is something I still can't figure out. Its even easier to pray for Grace (Yes, there's the name again), and she's the one who hurt me the most. What is it abt Andrew that I find so hard to swallow?

I think that's something for me to think and pray abt for the week...

One Week On...

So its been yet another week since I last wrote in here. And for a guy who talks abt how his life just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so much seems to just slip by each week, that I thought abt penning down, but always never get down to it. And now that I am staring once again at this screen in front of me, my thoughts just seem to go absolutely nowhere at all.

Fell sick over the weekend, where we had a pretty good time at Weixiu's house, celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival a little early. I think we all had a really great time, and its always times like this that I thank God for, where people that's come in and out of my life sporadically always appear, and I look at guys whom I've hung out with for the past 12 years already. Its a very familiar feeling, knowing that these are the guys who hung ard, who have seen practically the worst of me, and all the masks that I've tried on. And I guess I could use a little more of that right now.

Spent the rest of the weekend feeling absolutely miserable. Down with a really bad bout of flu, fever and sore throat, all of which just made me feel like dying really isn't as scary a thought as a life perpetually composed of these three illnesses.

Back home on sunday night, my mom suddenly chose to break down and spent the next 3 hours past midnight to sob her heart out abt how she really cannot stand things anymore, and she wants a divorce. And I guess this really isn't news to me anymore, esp since its pretty obvious that my parents don't exactly have a lotta affection towards each other, to put it mildly. Best thing I've learnt from watching my parents in action was never how to show my affections, but how to hide my emotions. And I guess that was also why her breakdown that night came as twice a shock. Guess I alwso was pretty much caught unawares, and had absolutely no idea what to do except sit beside her for a while, and then stay up till she went to bed.

On Monday I met Genliang for lunch in sch, and we talked for an incredible 4 hrs. He was sharing with me how he himself felt a little uncomfortable with how the church seems to be on such bad terms with Andrew, and was hard pressed to not disparage Andrew, while trying to tell Genliang what's going on. But I guess he did point out what's important. Despite all the jadedness with which I carry myself most days, I recognize that a church that wants to preach love and unity cannot allow such an obvious situation sit around, while turning a blind eye to it. Cos honestly, no matter how much we all seem to find reasons that say Andrew is at fault, the fact is none of us really want to take the effort to either pray for him, or try to reconcile our differences.


Tuesday I met Chongzhi for a while, and he was sharing with me how he's picking himself up again after breakingup with girlfriend of 4 years. Hehz... yeah, I told him I've been down that road before, and know how it feels. Ah well. Met Paul fro a while where we watched Dodgeball. Pretty hilarious show. After that, we picked up Sophie's present, and I went fro cell group. Had a pretty good time there that night, dunno why. I actually really do enjoy the fellowship of the cell, and except for the really really non-existent bible study, this is a great cell to be in.

Of course, there's always something to spoil the evening, and this time was no exception. I just kept bumping into Grace all night long, be in when coming into church, going to the toilet, or when going back. Shit. I still dunno how to react when I bump into her. Am just waiting for her to leave the church with Andrew, so that these awkward moments will all disappear. Grins.

Wednesday came and passed. Watched Raising Helen with Gabriel and Weixiu. Was one of those sweet romantic comedies. It really was pretty dunny, I guess, and Kate Hudson always looks stunning. But sentiments aside, it was a pretty badly scripted show. I dunno if it was due to any censorship, cos otherwise the editing wasn't too fantastic as well. But ah well, what the heck.

Was thinking of the song 爱情电影, which expressed the sentiment of one who wistfully looks at romance movies, and desperately longs for love. The person thinks of the things he woudl have done differently from how the hero would have, and how much harder he would have tried. And I guess that's always something I find myself almost involuntarily musing abt everytime I watch a romance movie. I wouldn't have walked away here... I wouldn't have lost my temper there... I would have understood what she was trying to say...

爱情电影
是虚构的电影
却看到泪翻滚
如果爱不那麽深
结局是不是就不会伤人

在别人的剧本
演自己的缘份
如果爱要我牺牲
我不怕梦里沈沦或变笨

换成我，在爱情的角色里
再孤单，再多馀
我也不会忘记入戏

换我在曲折的世界里
再空虚，再别离
不到落幕不会离去

爱上你，天天天天思念你
忘忘忘忘自己
再不要谁和我对戏
爱若让人患上记忆
只因此生此景
有你
只因此情此时，爱你

Yet when look at real-life romances, I find 2 happy couples in my church out of maybe 200 that I know. And the other 198 couples that fail to make it happily ever... what becomes of them? I look at my own parents who failed to make it, and I start looking at my dad. He's the kind of man that parents would generally prescribe their daughters to marry, save for the fact that he ain't rich enough. Dependable, honest, helpful, kind, with basically a good heart, and who gives in to the wife most of the time. But as far as making any effort to connect with the family emotionally or even raqtionally, he's just about the most apathetic guy I've come across. No wonder my mom feels like she's been living alone for just about forever.

And I guess the question that keeps looming in my head is whether or not I'll ever come across as not being good enough for the girl. Self-esteem aside, given my perennial ability to underachieve and undersell myself, I don't think I have anything to offer a girl, that can keep her by my side. I guess there's a pretty fine line to draw between commitment and resignation. In both cases, she's gonna stick by your side. But to live the bulk of your life in resignation could just very well be the worst form of hell for both parties.

爱了就算

爱了就算

觉得孤单，心绪摇晃
分分又合合的情事难断
披着月光没人作伴
我的笑，我的泪不敢多讲

爱的路上，谁不受伤
越多的渴望就越觉沧桑
顶着阳光，一路去闯
眼角泪光你不去想

有些甜总是无人分享
有些苦你也要自己去尝
有些寂寞也仿佛是永远不可能忘
最爱的人常不在身旁
人生本来它就是这样
也总要学着爱了就算
爱过就放

爱了就算，没有负担
爱过就放别为难
就算受伤，又怎样
有过一次痴狂
一生难忘

爱的路上谁不受伤
越多的渴望就越觉沧桑
顶着阳光，一路去闯
眼角泪光
我不去想
你不去想

READ THIS B4 YOU DATE AGAIN PENG!!!

I've really enjoyed the last 2 days, going down to GCTC for this 2 nights talk by L.T. Jeyachandran, the excutive director of RZIM Singapore. I guess every now and then when my faith seems a little more hollow, I will need to be reminded again of what it is all about. Its been a really strange couple of days. Weixiu has gone to KL, Weimin and Enhan have been pretty pre-occupied with their r/s problems, Paul has also been swamped with work and r/s, and so all of a sudden the immediate circle of close friends I've had around me are not around. And ironically, having spent the last 3 days reminding both Weimin and Enhan that I never realised how much I lost until I no longer had someone I could call my own, whom I can claim a certain degree of exclusivity over and from, the truth just hits me all the harder at a time like this.

Yet out of such a situation, I've just spent today alone catching up Joel, Aaron, Angelina and Andrew Wang. Not to mention make a new friend in the talks (a third yr dentistry student called Ian), and also time with Sylvia yesterday, and hearing her talk abt her r/s with Johann, and how she's feeling a little uncomfortable with it right now.

I guess after whining abt how lonely I suddenly felt, God read my blog and decided to throw me an avalanche. Hehz... It really was nice catching up with Joel, and even Angelina, whom I still haven't really figured out. Andrew Wang is still just a little hard to fathom, it seems like he lives in a world of his own. Still, I genuinely like the guy, and I like to think he doesn't bear me any false friendship either.

And oh yeah, on top of the number of pple I spoke to in just this day, throw in the fact that I spent more than 2 hrs talking to Enhan as well. He was mostly talking abt his r/s with Weimin, so I took some time to hear him out. I guess at the end of the day, I see so much abt the 2 of them that reminds me of the mistakes me and Grace made. The resentment of one person asking for more time and the other not willing to give any more, getting caught up in a lot of secondary issues that ends up making both sides forget why they were together in the first place, or even the lack of any spiritual element in the r/s altogether.

Yet one thing that I cannot fathom is that Enhan so absolutely doesn't get Weimin at all, it absolutely blows my mind away. I think even Ben or Michael atually understands her better than her boyfriend does. Yet against the situation, she has stuck by him for the past 3 years and more. I guess I can appreciate the fact that there will be things abt the r/s that she doesn't want to let go of, or even doesn't dare to let go of. I can understand the fear of facing the hurt that would come with letting go of a lengthy r/s. All that I can appreciate, and empathize. But for my life, I cannot understand how the existence of such a r/s can be termed one of a strong commitment. One of the things I warned Weimin against very strongly was not letting contempt seep into the r/s. Mebbe not as strong a word as contempt, but the air of dismissal that comes with the total absence of expectations simply because she doesn't believe in him for anything more. Cos that was one of the most fatal blows that came into my r/s.

Syl labels it as a commitment, and Weimin herself also likes to think of it as her way of being committed. Of course, I won't comment on that to her, esp not at a time like this. But I can't help shuddering on the inside, that I could one day end up with a woman who totally has nothing that keeps me by her side save for that stubborn act of not letting go that she labels a commitment. And that's a really scary thought. Even more scary when I realised that Paul also just wrote abt how he didn't want to end up in a life without passion, like his parents. And I think a r/s held together by mere stubborn willpower ends up a lifeless thing.

Yet when I sit down and ask myself where I would draw the line between a commitment, and the discernment that its time to let go, I don't have a clue. I guess that's gonna be something I want to work out before I get into a new r/s.

Just dropping in

Had this really really wierd dream last night, where I was roped into a theatre production. Nothing too wierd there, since it was always one of my childhood ambitions - next to being Superman and Bill Gates.

But this time round, lemme list the pple who were inside - my primary sch vice-principal, my sec sch discipline master, this really really annoying classmate in sec sch, Huifen (Mervin's gf), Weimin, Xiying... and I forgot the rest.

And I remember abt halfway through the play, everyone in the audience just seemed to disappear, and I went from being a performer to being part of the audience.

Anyway, just had to put this down because this is about as stupid a dream as I ever hope to have.

Life's Little Ironies

Attended the wake at Crystal's house for her mom. Its always just a little awkward at funerals cos you dunno how the person is grieving, and how the conversation shd go. I guess it can be more sombre if he or she is obviously very affected by it, but funerals are inevitably a time of reunions, and reunions are always characterized by a lot of joy at meeting up with some whose friendship we used to enjoy and cherish, but have lost touch with over the years. So when we break out in jokes and smiles, it always leaves me feeling slightly apprehensive as to whether or not we're being insensitive.

If that wasn't morose enough, Weimin and Ham have spent the last few days fighting pretty badly and nearly broke up again tonight. Both ended up coming to me, and I really didn't know what to say man. Was talking to Weixiu abt it, and she personally doesn't see her sister going anywhere with him. But sometimes she's overly pragmatic abt issues la. As much as I agree with what she said, I guess having been in a r/s myself, I can understand how inexplicably one sometimes chooses to love in spite of everything seemingly stacked against it.

Bumped into Grace today at the church staircase while I was in conversation with someone else. And I realised that what I felt was not the wistful feeling of half wondering abt what could have been, nor the strong anger I bore towards her... but there still lingers that feeling of disappointment in her, and in how it turned out. Just dunno what to make of it. So far from what Paul has been saying to me, Joz has indeed grown a lot over the past few years, and I do wonder if Grace would be a much more different person in 3 years' time. And if it were possible for us to ever get back together again. But I guess the biggest difference is that Paul has never really stopped loving Joz, but I've gotten over Grace already. Shit. So if nothing works out, I don't even have the option of getting back with my ex. Beginning to feel really screwed now. Hehz...

Been spending the last 2 weeks feeling really lonely on some days. And its not so much that I'm spending less time with Paul now. I used to feel that way a few months back also. Its almost like a cycle that has come back again. And so I look at Weimin and Ham, and I so do not want to see their r/s end. One of those moronic little sentiments that wants to tell them to cherish what they have, having had the bitter taste of realising how much I lost only after no longer having someone to call my own.

Yet everytime I come before God nowadays, I feel that the more acure my sense of loneliness, the more He wants me to stay this way. The very sure feeling I've not had in quite a while, that I'll need to wait out at least the next 2 to 3 years. And that's a really depressing thought. But its the feeling I've not had since the notion that I shd choose SAJC, which turned out to really be a right choice. I actually dare to say I recognize such a feeling, and I geuss I'm not to0 happy with it.

But ah well. I don't really see any immediate possibilities right now. Everyone keeps saying Weixiu, but something just tells me that either she's not the one, or at least not yet. So I carry on in my daily life with a certain degree of wistfulness and a keen awareness of how much I'll have to not rush into a new r/s, but learn to bide my time... and truly learn what it means to cherish my next r/s. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. And so I longfor the day when I can rejoice, when That which was lost has been found again.

Almost...

Yeah, its 4 in the morning, and I'm still awake. Hehz... what's new?

I think if I were to ever use one word to describe my life so far, it would surely have to be the word "almost". The point being that my whole life seems to have been characterized by the things that I've failed to accomplish and achieve. Be it a spiritual life that has suffered an unending series of false starts, to a course in NUS that doesn't appear successful by any stretch of imagination, or a relationship where I almost could have worked harder at making it last.

Continuing along that train of thought would be a period of ministry in Campus Crusade that ended more acrimonious than when it had begun, a piano course that stopped short of finishing my Grace 8, a series of ministries in church where I knew I should have ended much better than I did.

To be honest, I think I'm really hard pressed to name any accomplishment if mine that I can be rightly proud to claim as my own, for which I can be duly credited for.

So as I reflect upon the state of affairs in my life, I'm trying hard to think of how I can look upon it so as to not veer into another strain of self-abasement or self-pity. And I find myself living in a really peculiar state of grace. Peculiar simply because I think I've already had more than enough chances to set things straight in my life, which I have steadfastly spurned. And yet in the face of such ingratitude and stupidity, I am still offered chance after chance at redemption.

I guess if I carry on in such a manner, my tombstone would be the saddest of all epitaphs - chronicling the tragic life of a man doomed to a state of perpetual inconsequence despite having been dealt with a more than decent lot in life, simply out of an obstinance that refused to move out of his apathy and lethargy.

Ah well. These 4 yrs have been years that I lost, and which I find myself very lost in. And as I continue to labour on in search of my redemption, and I continue to contemplate its discovery in church ministry, relationships, personal time, quiet time, or even in my family, I think at the end of the day its all going to boil down to the fact that I'm still waiting to grow up. Either something was left out of my education, or I wasn't looking when they were teaching the lesson - but I'm still wondering how do I grow up. Of course, physically I will have a lot to tone down, hehz... But how the hell does one grow up? By experiencing life? By putting one through grief and discipline? By willing it?

Hehz... whatever it is, I think I have a lot of that to catch up on man. In the meantime, in my state of seemingly perpetual inconsequence, I shall go back to my inconsequential musings.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Just that I have to point out what a great friend Paul has turned out to be. I mean, busy as he is, he keeps trying to find time for me, pushing aside meetings, calling me when he's free, and generally still trying to look out for me. This despite my non-efforts at maintaining the friendship, which he has rightly chastised me for in recent weeks. Grins. What a terrible friend I've turned out to be. So amongst my inconsequential musings, I shall need to take time out for some self-reflection on my ingratitude.

Only... would such reflections taking place during inconsequential musings be equally inconsequential?

Whatever.

=)

Mixed Start To The Week

Bloody Man Utd dropped 4 points over the weekend, drawing away to Blackburn and drawing at home to Everton. Boy, do they need Rooney. Man Utd's absolutely looked like bollocks in terms of creativity. A lotta physical presence, with very little to show for their work rate.

Still, at least I think I started off this week well. Had a good time studying today, got quite a bit down. Even had time to do lunch with my dad and sis, then to make a new pair opf specs. Sat down to study with Weimin, Enhan and Sylvia in the evening, and even spent some time talking to Syl after that. I think she's moving on pretty well, at least right now. She tends to be a little emotionally impulsive, prone to sudden outbursts of emotions, with no one knowing what exactly triggers it. Hehz... Still, I haven't really seen her in a while, so it was a pretty good time of catching up.

She's now at the stage where she tells herself she just wants to find a nice christian guy who loves God, whom she can commit to. Hahaha... told her I was at that stage abt half a yr ago, when I was feeling really lonely for no reason, desperately wishing I had someone whom I could commit to, and love. Nowadays, I suddenly have an outbreak of pple trying to matchmake me. Just 2 dys ago, both Paul and Caleb tried to set me up with their friends. Sigh. And somehow, half a yr ago, a part of me would have privately wanted to go even though I would have vehemently denounced the idea... yet these days I find myself really not interested in doing something like that. Shit man. I'm either really turning gay, or else I'm growing up just a little. Problem is, I dun feel like I'm growing up at all. Hahaha...

Was talking to Syl abt church as well, and how I really find it hard to accept what Andrew did to Patrick. I mean, he did it once with Henry, and now he's doing it with Patrick. Seems that he's really carrying things to too much of an extreme. For someone like Patrick who has stuck by Andrew through thick and thin, it really represents an absolute low in the way Andrew can be so heartless and callous. Sigh. What the hell is happening to him, I wonder. At least I know this would finally represent the very steep learning curve that would probably do Patrick a lotta good. Who knows, mebbe Andrew deliberately did this in order to help Patrick grow?

Right. And Osama eats pork everyday.

Was talking to Ruth the other day. Seems she has also joined the group that seems to think that if you're really depressed, taking drugs is wrong... so you just have to take out a pen knife and cut yourself a little. How do I tell her that if the trend was not to cut herself but to walk on burning coals, then she'll suddenly find that cutting herself won't help anymore? I think kids nowadays are a lot more messed up than my time man. Back then it was so simple. If you're depressed, you either turned to glue-sniffing (Coke was too expensive for us kids), or else you get into fights, or else you just go jump off a building.

Hehz... Ah... the good 'ol days.

Now that Paul has stopped denying that he's back with Joz, I'm counting the days till he has time for me, only to hear him give a blistering report of how Joz has been mean to him again. Hehz... Wait for it man. Its bound to come. Grins. He'll read this blog, try damned hard to not prove me right, but eventually he'll come up to me one day and do exactly what Joz has always done: "I'll never talk to her again la. Bloody stupid woman!" Then the next day he'll call her up to apologize because its all his fault. Muahahahaha...

Gonna be a really packed day tmr man. Have a whole day of lessons followed by tuition at 5 at Thomson Plaza. Ah well. At least I'm skipping cell group. Grins.

Sheesh. I'm supposed to be doing nothing except study man. Not that it'll ever happen la. I think there's a greater chance that the Muslims will start revering Pigs as sacred animals.

Ha.

What Kind Of Day Has It Been?

Fans of The West Wing will recognize that I've titled today's entry with the the last episode of their first season, which ends in utter chaos with Bartlett having been shot. And to be honest, the only reason why I labelled it thus is only because I felt that today ended in a bit of a chaos today also.

Started by being woken up by Weimin who told me she hurt her ankle when Weixiu accidentally knocked her down with the car in SMU. Talk abt being jolted awake. And I guess after that I couldn't really get back to sleep, so I work up all grouchy cos I only went to bed abt 4 hours ago. Didnt' really have an all too productive day, getting all the more frustrated with myself as it went by because I really knew I wa wasting a lotta time. Had to re-format my blasted computer, and spent all day re-installing the softwares. Then my anti-virus decided to disagree with my Windows Office, so I had to un-install then re-install it all over again. Bloody shit.

Been feeling really kindda silly lately, dunno why also. Mebbe its the frustration, mebbe its something else, but I suddenly realised I missed crying. Hehz... Was watching this really tacky Channel U program, with a really bad script and plot, but I found myself wanting to be moved by it so that I could have a good cry. Walked away from the TV feeling really bewildered, and with just a little less esteem for myself. Hehz...

Then came something that really took the cake. Seems that Sophie went on one of her mood swings, and decided to send Paul a string od sms-es, declaring her undying devotion to him, and how she plans to marry Andre in order to get over it. Mm... would just like to also point out for the benefit of Paul who reads this, that in many ways, Sophie also is just as much a nutcase as Andre, so even if we like to think better of those we care for, mebbe they really do see things in each other that we don't see.

But so there we are, Paul wanting to save the world all over again, thinking abt how he can actually save their friendship AND Sophie from 3 yrs' of hell in a marriage she'd hate. (Yes, three yrs only cos by then she'd either have killed him or herself.) And I guess the bigger irony of it all lies in the fact that Paul had only just gotten back together with Joz. Grins. ANd he had the cheek to say that he thinks I would like to be in his shoes. Muahahahahaha... I ain't the manic-suicidal one, buddy.

Nevertheless, one thing I do concur is that in all honesty and with all possible consideration, not in a million years do I suppose that Sophie genuinely is in any way in love with Andre. And so there is my ultimate nightmare played into life by one of my closer friends. How in the world can a girl ever do something as drastic as marrying a guy whom she does not love? I remember watching Spiderman 2 and walking away with that big question looming in my head. The big question of why Mary-Jane would choose to marry someone else even though she knows in her heart who she's really meant to be with. (Tho in this current situation, the guy she has in her heart is currently both not interested in her, nor available. Hehz...) And tho I could shrug off that as nothing more than drama played out to its max in order for effect, here I hear abt some dumbass plan of Sophie's to but a flat and settle down with Andre.

Hahaha... and so even tho I seriously doubt anything will come out of these plans of hers, it still leaves me with another sickening sense of confirmation that love is so extremely hard to find, simply because so often we settle for so much less than what we should. I guess we all need to learn to distinguish between those we choose to love and spend the rest of our life with, and those whom we love while recognizing that forcing things isn't an act of love.

And of course, just to re-state my 2 big worries - that the girl I'm meant to be with is stuck with another guy, and the gilr I one day end up with might just be stuck to me.

Sigh.

What a day it turned out to be huh?

Out At Sea

Read in my lit text today abhout how "when disenchantment becomes so pervasive that it undermines all convictions, it saps the moral energy on which we function". The writer goes on to describe a man who was "so focused on the ultmate emptiness of existence, so mistrustful of his own feelings, that he finds himself unable to sustain any personal or public commitment."

And a tingle went down my spine as I read that. A tingle because I happen to like what he said, and concur with the idea... but today I met up with Andrew Wang who seemed to embody the antithesis of that.

Met him for lunch, where he was telling me about the conflict Eric and Mel is having with Robin. Then he opened up to how he himself is choosing to run from the church, disenchanted with the segregation that he experiences, and that he identifie with the church. Yet he turns to his passion in Nature Conservation as an outlet, devoting much time and his ideals into that alternative. Despite the apparent pessimism that seeps through his exterior, he's managed to find a means of channeling his ideals into an alternative instead of embracing disilusionment.

And only yesterday morning, Susan Ang was commenting abt the 2 most common images used in literature across the centuries - the sea and the dessert. And she talks abt how the sea originates as an image of uncertainty, where man is unable to stand still and anchor himself in a single spot. Where he has absolutely no control whatsoever over his own fate. Yet by the age of the romantics, they've turned the paradigm around, embracing the sea as an adventure, a quest to discover new and uncharted territories.

And I guess at 3 in the morning, if I were to undertake a crass reduction of the two ideas, I'd say it boiled down to the idea of looking at the half-full or half-empty cup. Amazing how it can boil down to a cliche that I learnt in Pri 1.

Was sharing with Andrew that sometimes I really feel I'm losing control. That I don't even dare to sleep, since in those moments between lying down and being alseep, I have to be alone by myself. And I don't think I dare to face up to a lot of things in myself. When I take retreats, I think abt myself in relation to pple/things/events/plans. On a bus or when I'm walking ard in a park alone, I never do dare to think of nothing else except take stock of myself. Who I am, what kind of man I've become, what's going on with and in me.

Think he was absolutely right. My concern for people seems to be more a reaction to my own subconcious awareness that its time take a good hard look at myself. What some pple mistake as compassion on my part turns out to be no more than a deception and escape aimed at running away from myself.

Guess its time I do that soon.

Face up to myself.

Real Soon.

My Case

Just finished reading the book "The Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel. It makes for a fascinating read for me. Not so much how true he puts out the case that it really takes more faith to disbelieve that Jesus is who He claims to be than to confess that he really is Lord and God come to die for us. But its really fascinating to see the dialogue that's exchanged between the believers and non-believers, and how sometimes when you're firmly fixated with a certain mindset, its impossible to see the other side of the coin.

And maybe that's the problem with me sometimes. Just sat down today for supper with Paul. He's got a major hearing coming up tmr, and I can tell that he's pretty worried. Guess he's really unsure what exactly he wishes to do with his future now. And with Joz and him still dancing that same annoying tune of "Pick-Me-Up-Then-Drop-Me-Again-Then-Pick-Me-Up-Again-Then-Drop-Me-Again", its pretty easy to see that he really is at a loss now when confronted with a future that was once steeped in opportunities and possibilities yet now fraught with uncertainties and closed doors.

We were doing some calculations and realized that I've been single for almost 2 yrs oredi. Man! Time certainly flies. Hahahaha... and I've already been a wuss for so long. With Xiying now attached to Shirong, and Paul probably getting back with Joz, I think its time I start making more friends and set the stage for me to get myself a girlfriend. Muahahaha.

Time I stop letting Grace and Andrew continue ruining my life. No point wondering if getting attached is gonna hurt her, Peng. After all, if she wants to run away from you, then just leave her alone. Move on, and finally get yourself a girl who truly loves you. Grins.

*damn*

Ah well. Who am I kidding. Who the hell would want to date me now anyway? Even Paul's gotta resort to going back to his ex. (Hehz...) No, Nut. You lost out again. Grins. Time to go running, lose weight, start getting my life back in order... ah... then the fish will start biting. and since I tell myself I'll only date someone I've known well for over 2 yrs, I better start expanding my circle of female friends to more than the current ones that I have... and move on to the more eligible ones. Muahahahaha...

But getting back to "The Case For Christ", reading it in tandem with some things happening ard me... really set me thinking. Been telling CK that we really need to brush up on the quality of BS in our cell. I can actually sound really profound when sharing while sms-ing. That's how bad our level of knowledge in the Bible has sunk. No doubt that knowledge of the Bible ain't the standard by which we judge true spirituality... but surely one needs to know who and what we believe, so that the God we profess is more than just a general lofty idea of a higher being. Secondly, Ruth's been asking again and again why she can't love God. And I guess its a question I always struggle with. But hahaha... on the one hand, she seems more bothered by the fact that she doesn't love God than me... which I guess might indicate that she actually loves God more than me. Grins.

She gave me her blog to read. And what struck me was how everyone seems to think they're the only one who is so depraved and unlovable. Guess one day when she grows up and has people opening up to her, she'll see that almost everyone feels the same way - that if we were to ever open ourselves up for everyone to see who we truly are inside, no one would want to have anything to do with us. Bloody hell, even I also have such thoughts everyday. That accounts for the many masks that I wear so well in most settings and places that no one knows what I feel inside, or who I truly am inside.

Reading the book has at least drawn me to one conclusion -

Someone once said,
"If He be God and died for me,
No earthly price too great can be
For me a mortal man to make
I'll do it all for Jesus' sake"

And that was my little stirring of the heart after reading the book. For me there never was any thunder and lightning when I received Christ. Yet again and again when I'm remind of what He did for me on the cross, and at Calvary... I'm reminded that everytime I do something to let Him down, those nails he bore were because of that. And such an awe of that kind of love compels in me a response that can only be worship.

Gotta give Ham BS early tmr. Weimin's timetable just got badly screwed up, and sometimes I get a little worried foi them. Ham's not exactly Mr Sensitive, and Weimin tends to be all gloom and doom. Trying very hard to tell myself not to kaypoh. Its their relationship, not mine.

Grins.

Time to go find my own.

On my own...

Happy Birthday Singapore

Well, yesterday was National Day. Wonder if its just me, or is it really that this year, things were a lot more low-key. I mean, they had their fair share of fanfare I suppose. Only on sunday, I was with my cell group at the Esplanade, where we all squeezed like a moronic bunch of sardines for 2 hrs, just to catch a 5 min glimpse of the fireworks which occur every sunday for 4 weeks in a row. Yet the parade itself seemed to lack any real significance, esp in light of the fact that this is Goh Chok Tong's last ever National Day as PM. Ah well. Mebbe its only cos I stayed home all day. But I do belong to the grp that is gonna miss Goh Chok Tong. Think he was really quite something. Guess he ain't no LKY, but he held his own, and did pretty ok.

Been re-reading Kundera's Immortality, only cos I wanted to finish the book, but had already more or less forgotten everything that was in it. Ah well. Am enjoying my second read tho. Picking up lotsa stuff that I either didn't know, or forgot that I picked up. Been having this really bad stomach that trouble me no ends since sunday itself, when I had to lead worship last-minute cos John pulled out for health reasons. Sigh. I was utterly unintelligible on stage, absolutly focused more on where my stomach was going than on what God was saying. Hehz...

Paul's coming out tmr, (and yes Nut, he's in Queenstown Remand.) but I'll have to be trying to0 pull of a stunt, bidding for my modules while being there to receive him. Ah well. Guess I could always rely on someone to help me bid, and call me if anything screws up. =)

Quit from Joseph's office already, but I guess I owe him at least a completed write-up on his website. Will need to get working on that ASAP.

I keep having a lot to say when I'm outside, thoughts that I wanted to pen down. But whenever I stare at this god-forsaken screen, I can't seem to recall anything. Aaaarrgghh. THink I'm going mad. Really mad.

Think I actually miss Paul. A few times I picked up my phone to msg him before I stopped myself. Hahaha... I need to get a real girl man. Now if only there were any in my own social context. Bloody cell grp kepy making overtures abt Annie to me and her all through sunday. Bloody embarrassing for me and her la. Well... at least, for me...

And no, NUT... keep climbing Paul's ladder... stay off my turf. I have my own 15 yr old to deal with. Muahahahaha... Ruth's absolutely hilarious man. I think one day I shd arrange for me and Paul to let you two meet.

*Waits for Paul to digest last statement*

Grins. Welcome home, buddy.

Restricted Privileges

Just got word today that I can't visit Paul in prison, since they only allow visitors once a fortnight. And Paul's parents are gonna see him today at 1330, but I gotta be stuck in the office. Sigh. Too bad, buddy. Guess I'm gonna have to see you only on your release. Don't cry too much abt your hair ya? At least you'll appreciate the next time you visit QB House, no matter how the cut turns out.

Am thinking of deleting Grace off my icq. Just a thought. I'm no longer hoping that she'll say hi when we're both online, nor even the silly notion of being at least able to "see" her online, so that at least at that point in time I know where she is. So mebbe before I start being silly again, I shd take it away while I still feel this way. Hehz... "Operation Spotless Mind".

Grins. Muahahaahahaha.. otherwise known as "Operation Brainless"...

Was asking myself how can I be praying for Paul? Pray that he doesn't get molested? Hahaha...

Pray for peace? I think I need to pray that for his parents more than himself.

Pray that he learns his lesson? Please...

Pray that he will spend his time meaningfully there? Erm...

Pray that he'll meet his dream girl inside? Muahahahahaha...

Ah well. Guess I'll just tell God I dunno what to pray for him, but ask that He somehow just watch over him so that he doesn't suddenly keel over and die while inside. Hehz... And while he's at it, that mebbe somehow... somehow he'll be able to experience God's presence, no matter big or small, in the absence of familiar friends and surroundings.

Ah well.Lotsa time in the office to pray, but if that's all I can pray for Paul, its gonna be a really short affair. Grins. Too bad, buddy. At least I prayed. =)

Where's my special someone I can obsess over??? So that the hours will pass away faster in the office??? Right now I'm really just dying... just dying... Its so cool... to have someone whom I'm so crazy over I'll stay up till 4 in the morning helping her with her work, send her ard Singapore, buy her an OSIM eye pillow shen she can't sleep... *wink*

Hahahaha... Its so cool to have sucker friends!!! =)

Gotta run. Work's catching up on me.

So It Has Happened

And so it has finally come to pass. Paul was today sentenced to one week in remand, and a 5 yr ban from driving. I guess you could look at it and say he got off light, since the benchmark for such an offence is about 2 months in jail. Yet nevertheless going into jail itself puts it in a totally different category, in that perculiar way it really deosn't matter whether its one week or one year.

His parents are obviously pretty distraught, and Jocelyn looked really bad. (No, not making my usual comments abt her looks. *grins*) Guess we were all hoping against hope that he'll find a reprieve and get away with a fine and ban. Now I'll have no one to whine and bitch abt my lonely long weekend to, simply cos my buddy has left me and is hanging ard with all his new boyfriends. Hehz...

Taking stock of my own life, I inevitably use Paul's as a yardstick to measure mine. Would I have traded lives with him , or traded any positions with his? Would I have preferred a degree that comes with a jail record, or no degree and yet with a spotless civil record? I guess I have no answers for that. Mebbe that in itself is the answer. There really is no difference. What's left is the kind of person I've become, and the kind of person that he's become, that's made all the difference.

Having come into closer contact with Joz in recent days, its so apparent that those two can't get each other out of their minds, and don't want to. So Joz keeps going to find Paul whenever she's down, and Paul inevitably responds whenever he gets such a call. One keeps going back to the other because he's still the one whom she trusts will really care for her, while the other keeps going back to her for fear that if he doesn't, she'll lose that trust in him and he in turn will lose her.

Sounds a bit like Days Of Our Lives if you ask me. Muahahahahaha... but I guess sometimes that's how the heart is, like a compass that inevitably keeps pointing in the same direction no matter where you turn. Funny thing is that I've yet to find that girl.

Thatday Paul and I were just talking abt relationships, and he pointed out to this thing he saw on Mobile TV, where someone had categorized your partner into 3 basic categories - The one you long to love, the one you end up loving, and the one you were meant to love. And yeah, that sorta made a lotta sense to me. So he concluded that Joz was more someone he longed to love, which made her so hard to get out of his life. And I concluded that Grace was more likely the one I ended up loving, so off the mark of my conceptualised partner was she. Mebbe that's why its so much easier for me to move on than it was for him.

Ah well... but guess we still are waiting and wondering if there will one day be that person we were meant to love who will show up. At least I am. And no, Nut, it prob ain't gonna be you. Grins. So don't get your hopes up.

Am still stuck in two minds abt staying on in NUS. Guess it would have been good to be able to run away from everything in Singapore, and take time out for myself to start afresh overseas, but staying in Singapore to finish up my degree makes so much more sense. Just need to give it my best shot and pray real hard I guess...

Sigh.

There's never anyone ard in the office. Bloody bored.

The Day After...

I had a lotta fun today.

Me, Enoch and Zhaoxiang met up with some of Julia's friends from the States, who went on the Cambodia mission trip with her. They were stopping by in Singapore for half a day, so we brought them ard. There was Greg and Teresa, the 2 staff members... then Dan and Jeff, Wendy and Diana.

Diana! Man, she was really cute. Not the hot babe kindda cute, but the really nice girl with a sweet smiel kinda cute. Grins. Not that I was salivating over her, but yeah, had a good time talking to her today. But ah wel. Think she's too young, or else she must be attached. Yes, I didn't even ask. I did make it a point to spent time talking to EVERYONE in that team.

Grins.

So its obvious that I took half day off from office. No one was in anyway, and no one will be in till thursday, when David is back from reservist. Never even seen him before, actually... hehz...

I've been considering my options to go into NTU instead of overseas, since I'm dropping the idea of doing psychology. And today the vice-dean suddenly called me to say he wants to talk to me abt my decision to withdraw from NUS. Add to that the fact that one of my church members turned out to be the vice-dean of some department in FASS also, and she now wants to talk to me to see if she could help me out.

I'm relly wondering why God has suddenly opened these doors for me, when all this while it seemed like it was impossible for me do anything but leave for Australia...

Sigh... watch this space man.

And yeah, 22nd Nov Nut. Paul will DEFINITELY be doing something for you.

Like... ignoring it.

Muahahahahahaha...

Happy Birthday, Prodo

Actually, I didn't really wanna blog tonight, but since its one of them significant dates, I thought it is only right that I set it down proper, so that it can be looked back upon and remembered fondly.

Pulled off a little bit of a surprise for him, when Weibin, Aaron, Sophie and Jocelyn showed up at the dinner place, instead of just the two of us that I kept on trying to drill into him. Granted, there were a few hiccups along the way when Joz and him had another lovers' tiff (Tiff!!!! Just a tiff!!! Gee, whatever was I thinking? Tsk tsk...) and she wanted to pull out of the dinner... then she accidentally gave away the fact that we were gonna give him blades for his birthday. And the champion thing was that we bumped into Aaron on the way to the restaurant, cos Paul was so bloody late that Aaron had waited for anhr and absolutely needed the toilet. Still, we mumbled some stuff and then set off for the restaurant and reached there where Paul was a little surprised at the grp that turned out la.

well, I like to think he actually did enjoy himself after all, so there you have it - Memories of today, forever etched in... err... some hard disk somewhere. Grins.

Happy birthday, buddy.