Happy Birthday, Prodo

Actually, I didn't really wanna blog tonight, but since its one of them significant dates, I thought it is only right that I set it down proper, so that it can be looked back upon and remembered fondly.

Pulled off a little bit of a surprise for him, when Weibin, Aaron, Sophie and Jocelyn showed up at the dinner place, instead of just the two of us that I kept on trying to drill into him. Granted, there were a few hiccups along the way when Joz and him had another lovers' tiff (Tiff!!!! Just a tiff!!! Gee, whatever was I thinking? Tsk tsk...) and she wanted to pull out of the dinner... then she accidentally gave away the fact that we were gonna give him blades for his birthday. And the champion thing was that we bumped into Aaron on the way to the restaurant, cos Paul was so bloody late that Aaron had waited for anhr and absolutely needed the toilet. Still, we mumbled some stuff and then set off for the restaurant and reached there where Paul was a little surprised at the grp that turned out la.

well, I like to think he actually did enjoy himself after all, so there you have it - Memories of today, forever etched in... err... some hard disk somewhere. Grins.

Happy birthday, buddy.

The Woman In Black

Yeah, went to catch that show today with Enhan and Weimin. Turned out to be pretty good actually... not as scary as they hyped it up to be, but on the whole I thought the two guys did a masterful job.

Started work already in Joseph's office. Been kindda lonely since the whole place is empty. Everyone's out at NIE, and Joseph himself is hardly in. Ah well. At least it means I get flexible working hours. Grins.

Been feeling a little temperamental lately. Dunno why. I get a lot of mood swings, and they shift pretty fast. Literally I can be feeling pretty good one minute, and feeling down after that. I honestly have no idea what's come over me. Last night Joseph asked what happened between me, Andrew and Grace. So I told him. And I found myself in a really strange state of mind, where I still feel my fasce flush when I talk abt them to someone else, yet at the same time I don't think I'm angry, or want to be angry at them. Well, perhaps its cos with Joseph also knwoing what a bastard Andrew is sometimes, I feel less upset, knowing that at least he won't be standing up for either oen of them. Hehz... the funny thing is how he also disses Grace, like just abt everyone else. Guess the hate-Grace-club has a greater fan base than I suspected. Sigh. But ah well. She was, after all, my ex. Guess I shd try to be civil to her.

I think I really need to get a grip on what I plan to do with my life. Mebbe that's why the depression. The sense that if I don't start, I'll never accomplish anything much. Then I'll never be in the psition to get attached, and I'll never get married.

Sheeesh.

Its paranoia night here in Peng's World.

The Greatest Of These Is Love

Just returned from the Project Timothy Bible Conference, where David Jackman was the invited speaker. I guess I was really struck by his exposition of1 Cor 13. I've seen how people were convicted by songs that were sung during worship, but this is the ifrst time I've experienced a whole group of 250 christians in a room struck to the wuick by a sermon. when David Jackman hit to the very core of the message abt 1 Cor13, it was all I could do to keep the tears from coming down my face, and it was pretty obvious I wasn't the only one.

This has always been one of the central passages to my own faith values, yet I've never once heard it like he preached it. And it was that night when I truly understood how a grasp of the Word can convict like nothing else can.

The whole conference has been awesome. I guess I really appreciate David Jackman so much more than Allan Chapple. Difference of style, I guess. Hehz... But nevertheless, it has been a great time of retreat for me, to think abt the things that I've been struggling with in my heart. I remember how I always counted it against Andrew for his viciousness in dealing with lots of people, including me. I always held on to the thought that no matter how strong an authority on the word he appears to be, if his actions reveal a striking lack of gentleness and kindness towards those around him, then it still counts for absolutely nothing. After all, isn't that why Apostle Paul says "Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."?

Then it struck me that the same chapter is the one with the verse that I've read a hundred times and totally glossed over - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " And all this while I've acted against the same principles in the chapter that I've always held against Andrew.

In 1 Cor 3:1-3, Paul says "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly--mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? "

I dunno... at the conference it all came to light for me. Everytime I hold something against someone in my church, being unwilling to always hope and persevere in my trust towards that person, I'm guilty of being just as much a spiritual infant as that person. I went back to my room after the exposition, feeling very drained and tired. Took time out to speak with God. I recognize that I perhaps still need time to move on, but at least now I have a clearer idea of what is expected of me. Am writing it down here to remind me.

Other than that, it was a really stupid day. Went to Zhang Mu Shi's house today for BS. With all seriousness, he pulled me aside and said he's got something to ask me. Then he asked me if I would consider Weixiu!!! My own 50 yr-old pastor!!! To cap it all off, when I complained to my mom, all she had to say was "Mm... well, she sure is a lot better than Grace."

Thank God we don't live in the age of supernatural revelations anymore. If that turns out to be a true prophetic utterance, whoever reads this can go fish me out of the Singapore River.

Lotsa things have happened in the past few days. paul called to tell me his 3rd reps have been denied, I took my Advanced Driving Teory Test, had a pretty intensive session at cell on tuesday, Watched King Arthur with Paul (Stop whining, nut!!), had supper with a whole grp of my fellowship guys...

Yet in the midst of all this activity, I guess I really felt so lonely. So intense lonely. Silly huh?

Yeah, guess I am. Bloody Paul asked me what I'd do if I realised after all this while, or even more, that I still loved Grace. I'll bet anything he's now wondering if its meant to be Joz after all, no matter how he denies it. Grins. And mebbe I'm denying it too, but nowadays whenever I think of Grace, all I can think of is how she doesn't see what she's doing. Lotta pple have been telling me lately that Grace thinks I'm the one who let her down. Grins. Ah well. That figures. Probably what Andrew has been telling her. Muahahaha... But yeah, at least very much so now, I don't feel inclined to think that she's the one.

Been having this recurring dream of seeing myself dating someone... but I'm never able to see her face. I'm seeing myself through a third person perspective, and I see myself holding her hand... bringing her out... but I just can't see her face, or know who the heck she is!!!! But - I damned well know for sure it ain't Grace. There was this sense that I know her very well. That I'm very comfortable with her. But I just can't bloody make out who she is.

Sigh... how sad is that?

Got pretty drunk last night and had this stupid hangover the whole of today, couldn't think properly... and I had to go sit for my theory test. Sigh... help.

Aiyar, sick of whining abt the pathetic state of my love life liaos lah!!! I'm not hard up for a girl I guess. Mebbe I just like to whine abt how much I deserve the sympathies of pple ard me. I was right! Grace was wrong! She's the one who refused to sit down and talk to me!!! Dammit!!! Why is it that no nice girls are coming up to me? And all the girls I'm close to are basically not within consideration???

Bah.

Grins.

Think I'm still drunk.

Paul was harrassed by an MLM girl yesterday. Muahahahahaha.... Whoo hoo! MLM rocks!!! If we all did churches like MLM, mebbe it'll be a lot more successful. See how brainwashed they are???

*passes out*

One Of Those Nights...

Ok, this is one of those nights where I'm feeling strangely down. Usually happens right after I've had a really good time, and I come home to an empty room once again, and decide to indulge in a little bit of feeling sorry for myself.
 
Got a call from Joseph this morning, asking if I would be interested in working for his company. And that's great news! Right after that, i rushed off to SBC for the EP Missions Conference, where I had a really really good time. Before that, I had lunch with Ray, Lawrence, Weixiu and Weimin. Its been a really long time since I've caught up with Lawrence, and I guess I've sorta missed him also. He used to be someone I used to look up to a lot when I was growing up in tuanqi. The conference itself was pretty good, I thought. I liked what was being said, and I felt it was just the right length of time.
 
Had dinner with Ray after that. And believe it or not, ended up in the same place as Weixiu's whole family, that Thai Noodle House at Coronation Plaza. Had supper after that with Paul and Ray, where Serene showed up also... followed by Weixiu and Syl, then Weimin and Enhan. So it was a pretty lively night, I suppose.
 
So WHAT THE HELL am I doing, feeling so down right now? I guess perhaps it was as I told Paul on my way home - sometimes its not abt how hard up I am for a girl, but its more a confidence crisis, where I just want to know that there will still be someone out there who loves me, who would think enough of me to be willing to commit herself to me, and spend the rest of her life with me. And so whenever I get closer to a girl, I'll start to think of the possibilities, almost instinctively, as to whether or not she can be the one for me, and how things will turn out if I ask her.
 
Ray was just asking me (rather belatedly, of course...) what I would have done differently if I could have dated Grace all over again. Hehz... he's asking cos he's right now on the verge of starting a r/s with a girl that I shall leave unnamned her, since I know Mr Prodo will not be able to resist a dig at Ray, and I kindda promised him I won't tell anyone. But still, aside from not dating her in the first place, I guess the one thing I'd need to change is my own insecurities, and the perpetual doubt inside my head of whether or not she thinks I'm good enough for her. Cos I think that was ultimately what led to the breakdown of the relationship. Sure, crossing the physical boundaries by a pretty large extent definitely poisoned the relationship, but I guess at the back of my head, the biggest niggling doubt was whether or not she felt I was good enough for her, and what it would take to be sure. As long as I doubted her, it was really very hard to open up to her and be vulnerable, since I already felt so vulnerable. And I guess in due time the gulf that opened up just strangled the relationship.
 
Shit. In case I start sounding like I'm again down cos of Grace, I'm not.
 
At least not tonight.
 
I think I'm down cos after a whole day out with friends, I find myself wondering how many would still be around once I leave in three months time. I guess I can be reasonably sure Paul would. He'd better also. Muahahahaha... I can't be sure Weixiu would. And even as close I am to Weimin right now, she's gonna be starting on a whole new phase of her life in SMU, and I dunno how much that is gonna draw us apart... Enhan has always been more distant to me, but given our weekly BS now, he's starting to open up. I just wonder if the effort's gonna go to waste once I go overseas. And even Little Ruth, whom I'm having so much fun with lately... Ah well. Just hope she doesn't turn out to be like Grace. Grins.
 
Shit. I'm leading worship tmr in church, then leading BS for cell grp. Haven't prepared for either yet at 1.40am in the morning, and here I am feeling worried that I might get LONELY.
 
Ah well. Can't help it sometimes I guess. At best it'd be simply denying how I feel.
 
And yeh, Nut, I'm hitting on you. Everytime I do, Paul gets worried enough to bump you up by another number. A few more days and you'll be up to number two. Grins. But guess what... if I have my way, Serene will always be Number One, for a long long long time to come yet...
 
Hehz...

Why Am I Still Awake????

只能抱着你
好想这样抱着你
我知道你有些在意
給他伤了心才想到可以找你
好想這这样抱着你
我知道你现在伤心
想有人陪你，只是如此而已

你知道，我明了
抱着你，我(妳)的泪却为他而掉
你知道，我明了，抱着你，温习拥抱
你知道，我明了，抱着你
我的心有些动摇
你有的好，他做不到(他有的好我做不到)

还想他(也许他)，可能等我回家(等妳回家)
在我们(你们）相识的楼下
还想他(也许他)，可能拨我电话(拨妳电话)留話
还爱他(妳爱他)，我从沒怀疑过(沒怀疑过)
今晚心底的掙札，我不说你明白吗

只能这样抱着你，我知道你有些在意
給他伤了心，才想到可以找你
只能这样抱着你，我知道你现在伤心
想有人陪妳，只是如此而已

Dunno why, but I can't get this damned song outta my head lately. Still, its a really nice song. Decided that I always bitch abt the things I can't get outta my head on this blog, why not also print out the songs that I can't get outta my head as well? Grins. As long as it ain't that accursed Kylie Minogue song. Grins.

The Way I Was

Bah. Can't get to sleep. My mind's been tossing and turning again and again. So, feeling kindda reminiscent, I started to think back to how I was before I started NUS. Was trying to picture myself in retrospect, and ask myself how I've changed over the past 4 yrs.

On my table, there's a poem by Rudyard Kipling -

IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

And I guess to this day as the paper still is on my table, I'm still holding on to this set of ideals. But so much around me has changed since then. I've grown more cynical. I've been through more hurt and disappointment. I've let myself down more than anyone else has let me down. I've lost some really close friends, and gained some true ones. And these changes weren't kept to just me, but even my circle. The circle of friends I keep these days are so different from the circle I kept 4 yrs ago. Even within church, I'm hanging out with such different people. Heck, I'm even attending another church.

Some of the people who drifted out of my life from more than 5,6 yrs ago have started to come back into my life again. And I'm thankful for that. Mebbe these friendships that I've lost faith in were not the misplaced trust that I had thought it to be. Maybe people do move on - but we just should not discount that they will someday come back.

Is that what some call hope?

Is that how some people don't get burnt?

I also went back to revisit some of the things I said to Grace when I broke up with her. And I find myself musing. As to whether she ever did think abt the things I said to her, or did she - like she does to me - just choose to avaoid and ignore them? Or the question of whether or not she even thinks of me. Am I still in her thoughts? Or has she moved on so much more than me? Will things ever be better? Will she also come back like the friends I lost 6 yrs ago? Or will be just forget each other in due time? The prospects of bumping into her with greater frequency, esp after I move into Marbella intrigues me. For my life I hope we won't bump into each other, but given the laws of my name (Read: Murphy), how will we react when we see each other?

And since my mind is on over-drive - will this always be the case?

Shit, I'm plagued by a hundred-and-one questions all the time. Will I fail in Monash? Will my family be able to weather the financial strain? Do I change church? Will I ever dare to get into a relationship again? With who? What will I be doing in 5 yrs' time? Which church will I be in? Will I even be in S'pore? Or even a Christian? Think I'll still be close to the same circle of friends as I am right now, or will everyone have moved on as well? What if my parents' health deteriorates so badly while I'm overseas, esp my dad? What if I'm forced to abandon my studies overseas? What if I get killed? (Gee, can't be that lucky I guess...) Will I be able to get my driving licence before I leave?

Bloody shit. My head's hurting, but there's nothing I can do. Can't sleep. Can't think coherently. Can't even focus my thoughts enough to be praying.

Ah well. Sometimes its pretty fun to lie down in bed to think abt your life. It just stops being fun if you're so awake at 3 that you can sit up, get outta bed and blog again.

Started BS with Enhan since last week. Think he and I are gonna work out fine. Too bad I don't have much time left to take him. Am hoping and praying that I can make a positive difference to him and his life while I'm doing some active discipleship. Sigh...

Okie. Enough ramblings. Back to bed I go.

Hehz... think I'm going nuts. Must be the Nut's fault. Grins. Keep it up, you'll soon be number one. Grins.

And for Prodo Faggot, oops... I mean Faggins, I'm still waiting for my birthday gift. And yo Nut, whaddya getting him for his birthday? Know any friends who can make him a fake driving license? Hyak hyak hyak...

Blah blah blah...

Been a few days since my birthday now. The cell was really nice in throwing me a surprise birthday tea on sunday after cell grp. I actually enjoyed this year's birthday, away from all the fanfare of the past, where I get to celebrate with those whom I'm close to, and I get to avoid all the other wishes of those who only msg me once a year.

I thought the worship on sunday went really well. Xianghui screwed up the first song with his really wierd synchopation, but I guess it all turned out well. Really glad and thankful for him too, the fact that he volunteered to play for Youth Service the minute he comes back to Singapore... I've missed him so much.

But you know, right after all the euphoria of my birthday, been having really depressing and depressed friends all around me. From Paul who PMS-ed on me a couple of nights ago, to Ruth and her manic-depression, until Anne talking abt her failed marriage and her struggles as a single mom with a 6-yr old kid. Geez, talk about a reality check man...

So what is there to really look forward to in life? The christian is always called to suffer... that much I know, and can accept. But is the christian called to perpetual depression? The alternative being either a filter through which we deny the tangibility of our pain and so tell ourselves we can give thanks in all circumstances, or else the blatant blindness we see in so many people who have been holed up in their myopia and so deny the existence of such pain. I'll always Adelina's outburst so many years ago, when I told her I was really taken aback by her drastic about-turn from an earnest christian to a firm agnostic now. She burst out about how there was absolutely nothing tangible to hold on to, for a hope and an assurance that God is real and that He cares... in the face of her most difficult moments its really hard to expect a set of concepts and notions to come through for her.

So is it sheer denial when some people seem to find genuine joy and contentment, when my mom and dad have warned me since I was a kid to "trust no one"? Why is it that some people can still find that hope and trust in people, and not get burnt? Luck? Those who don't get burnt stay that way, while others fall into the category of pple whom I see ard me, depressed or cynical... and sometimes both...

*shrug*

Started to icq again lately... been catching up with lotsa pple, such as Weilong, Stanley, Huifen, Huilin... guess icq is like a momentum thing... lose it and you don't feel like picking it up again. But if you do, you'll keep at it for a while. I only picked it up cos it was cheaper to chat with Ruth that way than via sms. So I guess I've got her to thank for making me pick it up again. After all, this will soon be the way I talk to everyone back here in S'pore, once I go over. Might be good to make sure they're still contactable by the old icq number they used to have.

Its been raining a lot lately!!! Whoopee!! SO happy... hehz... I lurve rain... rain... rain... rain... rain... rain...

Its My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

Hehz... Happy Birthday Peng!!!! We all love you!!! Whoo hoo!

Yeah. Its my birthday today and I'm just about absolutely spent. After whining about how his friends all seem to have neglected him, he decided to play me out on a supper date ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! Muahahahaha... yeaps. Didn't reply me after I finished my concert, FORCING me to trudge home in utter disappointment, having thought I could spend some time with someone I truly care for.

Lalalalalala... gee, nut... emotional blackmail can be real fun! Grins.

But seriously, its been a really long day man. Had BS with Enhan in the morning, then did lunch with Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan. Had worship prac after that, then went to the RGS Chinese Orchestra concert. Yes. Shit. The RGS CO. Never thought I'd have to face that again, but I did. Brough back lots of memories, watching the uniforms, the same conductor as 5 yrs ago, in the same concert hall, sigh... Grace actually did message me happy birthday today too. Surprised myself when I didn't really feel anything when she did.

Ah well. Its just been really tiring today. But I felt I just HAD to let my ego run amuck and post on my birthday. To quote something i just learnt - to go Nucking Futs. *wink*

Both Sides Now

Thoreau once said men all live lives of quiet desperation. Never did quite understand the full import of that till recent years. Finding out that I'm not exactly the best kid on the block, be it in school, family, love life, church or even in my ethical principles, it kindda takes the shine out of all the ideals and aspirations I once had. Faced with the reality of just who I really am, I'm confronted with the question of just who do I think I am, to believe I'm worthy of having such lofty ambitions.

So the alternative is to try my best to hold on to scraps of the last vestiges of the picture I had of myself, and some of the fantasies I had about my character, then spend the rest of my life in my quiet desperation, trying to live up to those ideals. A better morality, a better degree, a better disposition than most, and a willingness to always try my best to put others before myself, in hope of being able to convince myself that I am worthy of at least an ounce of respect.

And mebbe that's the bottomline of why I have a phobia of committing to another relationship. I don't think I deserve it, or that I will be up to what's required of me. Cos no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I've now disciplined myself into a better man, deep inside I know I'm still as rotten as I ever was. And to have to put a girl through the hell of living with me, knowing I can't be the man of her dreams nor fulfill her expectations of me, is something I won't do. Firstly cos I fear the rejection that I suppose is inevitable, and secondly cos if truly love her, I can't put her through the whole saga of learning to love me as ugly as I may be inside. So I shrug off all the girls with "I'm not her type" or "There's just no chemistry".

And perhaps that's why I always have a tendency to meddle in the affairs of other couples. I seek my fulfillment from hoping to help others live out the kind of love that I don't think I deserve, but have always longed for.

Just watched Spiderman 2 with Paul. Its really scary, the whole recurring idea that you really might not be able to end up with the woman you truly love. Coupled with Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and the idea of how there really is a soulmate out there for you... and I'm confronted with a really scary thought. What if one day, like Paul, I fall for a girl who has a boyfriend? Or worse, is married??? All that mumbo-jumbo gung-ho nonsense about fighting for your dreams, and fighting for the love of your life - always discounts the reality that in doing so, someone inevitably gets hurt. So I'd rather that person be me. Either that, or its just cos I'm too big a wuss also. Hehz...

But if she's really the soulmate of mine, that would mean that the guy she's with isn't right for her. Then what? I've come to realize that in many girls I see, they'd rather stick with a guy who's obviously wrong for her, rather than break it off. Hey, that's what MJ did in Spiderman, isn't it? She'd rather marry the wrong man, choosing security and compromise over the one person she's so SURE is the right guy for her. Is this what love really ends up being in the real world, where we have to compromise our heart for the sake of pragmatism?

Even in real life, outside the realm of my love life (or the non-existence of it), I'm faced with the same questions, where I have to ask myself the same thing. Would I settle for a job that pays the bills, or drop it in pursuit of something nobler, something that I know I SHOULD be doing, even if it means a much poorer prospect, like a full-time ministry, or being a social worker?

As I find myself struggling with a world that has increasingly become greyer between pragmatism and destiny, I increasingly wish I could go back to the time when I would have no troubles knowing what was right. Was I too naive then, or has my vision become too clouded now?

On Feb 12, 1944, thirteen yr old Anne Frank wrote this in her diary:
Today the sun is shining, the sky is a deep blue, there is a lovely breeze and I am longing - so longing for everything. To talk, for freedom, for friends, to be alone.
And I do so long... to cry! I feel as if I am going to burst, and I know that it would get better with crying, but I can't, I'm restless, I go from room to room, breathe through the crack of a closed window, feel my heart beating, as if it is saying, can't you satisfy my longing at last?
I believe that it is spring within me, I feel that spring awakening, I feel it in my whole body and soul. It is an effort to behave normally. I feel utterly confused. I don't know what to read, what to write, what to do, I only know that I am longing.

Funny how at 25 yrs of age, I can still be feeling the same thing as a 13 yr old huh?

Insomniac Ramblings

Lately I've been bloggging my stream of consciousness simply cos I can't seem to get to sleep, and there's lots of things on my mind.

They say love can make one grow up overnight. But I think that ain't true. Uusually its when love fails, and hopes once cherished have all but died, that one learns how to deal with a world that inevitably never goes one's way. The one who chooses to pick himself up and learn to move on, will benefit much from the benefit of hindsight in due time, while the one who chose to sit and hang on will forever be trapped, unable to ever seek some form of reprieve.

Lodged
The rain to the wind said
"You push and I'll pelt"
So they smote the garden bed
That the flowers actually knelt
And lay lodged - though not dead
I know how the flowers felt
- Robert Frost

Sometimes I feel just like that. With so much going on, I feel so pushed around sometimes, and having absolutely no means by which to control my own destiny, except to be bent by my own emotions and circumstance.

Bah.

Yeah, Nat, Who's The Boss rocks. =)

And tomorrow night, Greece will triumph over Portugal to secure the greatest footballing upset the world has ever seen, and I will be there, witnessing history being made. Muahahaha...

W-O-W

Yeah, that's probably the only way I can put it. WOW. Firstly, Greece did the impossible and beat the Czech Republic. Next, we left ARPC today at 2245. No kidding. Mark Peterson was down, and he had a mini concert of the songs he wrote, after the service. Must admit tho, as dumb as some songs are to be sung in the service, standing alone and when he performs them, they don't sound half bad. Thirdly, (saving the best for last), after my little epiphany, I realized that Paul decided to whine abt his own love life and confusions. Grins. He's decidedly slipping.

Muahahaha... gonna be going to the KTV later at 2pm, having BS with Enhan before that, and having a committee at 1630, followed by an service to commission the next batch of leaders in the church. Lucky for me dinner will be free. Hehz... But man, its gonna be hectic.

Anyway, back to Paul. Grins. He thinks my opinion of who's best for him ain't accurate cos I ain't seen him and Rach together. What he doesn't realise is that he hasn't even seen himself with the girl I picked out for him, and how much greater they would have been together.

Anyway, my previous post received two comments, one talking abt Who's The Boss. What spooks me is that no one knows abt this blog except Paul, and he's made a comment already. Grins. Well, to all my secret fans out there, I'm really sorry. This has to be my worst entry in some time.

Ah well.

I'll have to do better.

Next time.

Something is rotten in the state of my mind

Yeah, so I just re-read Hamlet again for the 5th time. So I probably am not a hundred percent alright. Just don't ask me what's wrong, cos like the girl that I truly am inside, I don't know.

Had the chance to catch up with Syl not too long ago, and told her what I learned in Europe. (Of course, this is gonna be abt Grace...)

Told her that all this while I kept asking myself what would it mean to be over someone. I remember telling Paul that you can't really be over someone till you are with someone else, and that your attention and commitment can finally fill the void left by the vacating of your previous girl. Now I know I was wrong. Hehz... more of that mindless chatter I keep spewing while I take a considerable amt of time to figure out what it really is...

Been asking myself that question all of the trip, and I guess at least I finally came to terms with some of the things I was struggling with. Here goes:

You don't really ever stop loving someone. It would be really silly to expect me to stop loving Grace after breaking up with her. If that were true, I probably never really did love her after all. And mebbe that's why Paul can continue to be the fool that he is towards Jocelyn. So it would be impossible to equate getting over Grace as having no more affections toward her. Instead, I feel what I need to come to terms with, and to "get over" is more the reality that I need to stop holding on to any spark of hope that I might one day get back with her again. I'll confess that sometimes I still muse over the possibility that one day we might get back together. And I guess as long as I keep loving her, it would keep being hard to not ever entertain the thought, or mebbe even the hope.

And yet, that would be the state of getting over her, wouldn't it? The point where I can love her for the person she is, and how much she means to me, without that desire that she becomes mine. So that I still love her the way I love Paul, Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan.

And this is where Paul wrinkles his nose in disgust at what I'm writing, but ah well. He loves me too, so he won't complain too much. Grins.

But this has been a tiny epiphany for me, coming to this conclusion. I guess at least now I no longer try to fight my feelings, and attempt the impossible. At least now I know I have something that I seem more likely to be able to work towards. At least now I don't have to feel guilty and berate myself whenever I still get affected when she shows up.

Enough whining.

The semi-finals are coming for Euro 2004, and I don't have anyone left to support. Sweden and England have both crashed out. Sigh... the only thing to do is watch and support the Czech Republic, for the sake of Nedved. At least he's my fav Juventus player. Grins.

Been sms-ing with Ruth a lot lately. She's pretty hilarious sometimes. But something tells me she's a lot like Weimin, who spends too much time brooding over the darker side of things. That's why I tell her she shd keep spending time with Weixiu, since that woman is just ever over-flowing with sunshine, so much that sometimes no one can stand it. Grins.

And my first season of Who's The Boss finally arrived!!! Whoo hoo! Go Micelli!!!

Just returned from Switzerland and France. Man, so much has happened in the 10 days that I was away, that I absolutely couldn't believe it. Paul's case hits another brick wall, his church goes through another crisis which affects him very pesonally, and two of his ex-crushes absolutely... err... crushes him (hehz...) with their behaviour. Talk abt having a rough time.

News from my Uni application is that my best bet would be to do a diploma in Monash that starts in Oct 2004, and start Yr 2 of Monash Uni in July 2005. Dunno how smart a move that would turn out to be, but it seems I don't have too much of a choice.

Can't help but keep recalling the whole movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where the whole idea of having a soulmate whom you love, and that special someone that you were meant to be with no matter what, keeps surfacing. On my Europe trip, I met a girl in my group, only 13, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Grace when she was 13 or 14. Was a pretty uncomfortable position to be in, always being reminded of her wherever I turn. And I keep finding my eyes turning to her, not due to any attraction (For God's sake, I'm not THAT pathetic a paedophile...), but simply cos I'm fascinated with the resemblance.

Then I beat myself over the head for not being able to get Grace out of my life. Am I just being really pathetic, or is this really normal? I seem to be going through a phase where even as I try to forget her, I can't... but slowly come to realise how much I really loved her, and perhaps still do. Yet that is very much tempered by a state receeding anger towards her and the hurt she caused me - which everytime on hindsight looks so bloody adolescent a thing that it even makes me chuckle at how silly I can be.

Bumped into Grace again on sunday, and I find myself still very much affected by her presence. I so badly wanted to be able to smile at her, say hi to her, and I so desperately wanted to set things right with her again. Yet another part of me just simply refused to do that. Partly out of fear that letting her back into my life again would definitely sabotage all my efforts so far to get over the r/s, and partly also because I was too proud to let her back into my life without making her see and admit she was in the wrong. God only knows how much I can't even stand myself everytime I start this tirade abt Grace again, but I just can't help it.

Henry and Bernice are considering a job offer that very much allows them to pursue their interest in using their musical gifts as a means to serve God, but the job requirements bears a condition that they must leave ORPC and become Methodists (No prizes for guessing who their potential-employers are). I'm so torn between encouraging them to take up the offer which I feel would suit them very well, and the notion that it would mean losing them both in a stroke, a real body blow to the Youth Ministry already in dire straits.

You know, I sat down in Europe and tried to list out all the potential names of pple I would consider ending up with, from church - and the list really shocks me with some of the names I'd consider, and also leaves me feeling really pathetic with the options I'm left with... Hopefully I'll have better luck in Australia. I wonder if I leave for Au to study without getting a gf by then, I really might just get one there and then settle down permanently already.

Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I still can't get to sleep with the things on my mind. I guess I really can't do more than one thing at a time, and I really am unable to handle pressure well. Heck, I even run away from sleep from I'm troubled. How much more screwed up can I get, I wonder...

How does one make a life count, and move out of this state of perpetual inconsequence that I find myself trapped in?

More than a month on from my last post, and I find myself in no condition to report any kind of progress in anything, ranging from my spiritual life to my academic life. If nothing else, my life seems to keep bumping from one wall to another, where I wonder if there is ever going to be any redemption in store for the years and the opportunities that were wasted.

I'm now faced with the decision of going overseas to do a degree. As much as there is such a real possibility and tendency for me to over-romanticize the potential to make something out of my sojourn there, I can't help but sometimes wish that this will mark the turning point in my life. That the squandered years will from now on become a thing of the past,and I can finally begin moving towards the destiny that God has envisioned for me.

Of course, all this hinges yet on the very big question of whether or not I will be accepted overseas.

Every part of me screams out that I want this. And there are just so many reasons why.
1. Its what I've always wanted to do.
2. I get the break from church that I've always dreamed about.
3. I get to avoid Grace and Andrew, and hopefully make things a lot easier on everyone else in church.
4. It gives me the perfect reason to avoid the questions I'm asking myself right now abt BGR, since being overseas makes anything impossible.
5. I get a chance to start everything on a clean slate, instead of trying to clean up this mess that I'm responsible for.

Obviously, the word "escapism" is one of the key words in my doctrine of life. Being unable and unwilling to live up to the responsibilities demanded of me, it would present the perfect opportunity for me to begin all over again, and explore new means of screwing up. Hehz...

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall - remember you almost had it all" so the song goes. Its so easy to look at others and think they are the ones who've almost had it all. That I don't even fall into the category of those who've "almost had it all". I mean, who am I to even think that I'm having it bad right now? How dare I go before God and ask Him for a better lot in life? with a family that has given me nothing but support and love, with friends around me who've in no way derided me for my condition, with a state of health that far surpasses many that I know, and also with the opportunities that still stand before me... in what way do I see myself as having picked the short straw in life?

Yet that maddening tendency of mine to look only to my failures and to be self abasing continues to block off my view of the silver lining in the cloud, and rob me of the joy that should come with gratefulness at my lot in life.

I keep telling myself that if I were just a little smarter... a little richer... a little more good looking... a better voice... a little more talent in music... heck, I even convince myself that if I could finally find my soulmate, I'd find the key to turning my life around.

How much more can I cheapen my life with these thoughts, I wonder...

To finally move my life beyond my current state of inconsequence... where do I start?

Gosh... its been so long since I last wrote in here. Guess there were just too many things that needed to be done. Like laze around after my exams, run around meeting people, playing really lame computer games (read: CM4), or lese just the lethargy of not having written in a while...

But here I am once again, wondering what sense can I pour into such a place as this.

Exams ended. Have met up with quite a lot of people already, am pretty impressed with myself. Yet someohow a cloud still hangs over my head... Its only a few days more till the day I broke up with Grace for a year. And I really dunno what to make of it. I guess as much as I tell myself I'm over the relationship, I still feel a lot of unease at the fact that we ended up so abruptly, and without much in terms of a resolution. Am I wrong in not trying more?

I saw her on sunday in the Youth Service, and she somehow was right behind me on quite a few occasions, and I found myself very deliberately (and literally) turning my back on her. It seemed like what I wanted to do then. Yet after I go home, I wonder if it would not have been batter to just look her in the eye and pretend to smile. You know, work towards a resolution, instead of this tense awkwardness.

Shit man. How lame can I get? Even Paul's obsessing over 2 girls. Here I am, still letting my ex wreck my thoughts when I shd be out enjoying myself, going for movies with hot babes, going to 5566 concerts with my dream girl... (oops... too much details... Grins)

Well, tomorrow's another day, so they say...

Wake up, Peng.

Its been a day of shocks... next to Paul's Catharsis that he so obviously wants to talk abt, but which I refused to give him airtime, in case he ends up making too much of it in the end. Grins.

Ah well, but since this blog is all devoted to my babblings, my whinings, my grindings, a place where I get to shamelessly flaunt my self-obsession, here I go, listing the things worth whining about that's gone on in just this one day alone.

Started this morning where I had to improvise when I realised I couldn't screen the video clip for my church service today as I expected. Then I had a chat with Lishan and realised she was in a much worse shape than I had thought. Then at cell, the numbers were ridiculously small, and Der Biao went into a whole big round of sharing abt his life - which I won't mind, if I could see where he was alluding to. Yeah, he was leading worship. Weixiu led a bible study in record time, which prob is worth a bigger shock than anything else. Then I learnt that the new Net-Buddy that Der Biao got to know, and is having "very interesting conversations with" is non other than Meisen!!!! And now he's all interested in reading up more about sociology!!! Then I also pretty much confirmed that Der Biao's after Serene. He was obviously looking for a reason to go to Simon's house, really really obviously. Grins.

Doesn't stop there - I then got to learn that there is a really strong chance that Annie might be interested in me. *faint* Muahahahaha... was thinking - how abt I put Annie and Der Biao together? Grins. Hiak hiak... Then I took a cab to get home, only to leave my wallet on the cab, with my matric card and all!!!! Sigh... Good thing I got it back.

Whoo hoo! I now have abt 3 hours left of time to study before my paper tmr, and I sure feel like I might as well go jump in the Singapore River. Shit man... been having non-stop nightmares EVERY NIGHT that I'm gonna screw up everything and end up busking in those MRT tunnels.

Ah well. Just needed to let off some steam. Oh, its Weimin, Enhan and Enqi's birthday today. All on the same day. Cool huh? Grins. Hope thoe two are gonna have a good time. Their r/s ain't doing particularly well also.

And oh yeah, prob gotta pray a little for Paul and his Board Interview tmr. If he fails, I get less free rides home. Hahahaha!!!

K, back to mugging...

*chugs my mug of coffee*

Grins.

Couldn't resist that.

Had dinner with Caleb last night, where we spent some time just catching up with one another, and I think I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I always thought him to be one of those really rare people ard that I feel is the real thing. Its always rare to find such people arpound, those whom I can just sit ard and feel like I can trust him to say what he really means.

We were talking abt relationships, and how we both are a sucker for all the wrong kindda girls. Those who are cute, but have very little else to offer. We were also just sharing abt our failed relationships, and the condition of the church currently. I shared with him how I seem to have failed in everything that I've been doing so far, and how sometimes regrets are inevitable despite what pple say to encourage me.

Before that I was with Paul, who I guess was feeling rather down. He was telling me he was pretty much certain abt going into jail. Sometimes I really dunno how much to believe of what he says. Or how much to read into what he says. Dammit man, he's increasingly becoming the woman in the relationship. I think guys were meant to just sit ard, chug beer and tell jokes, and pretend that the earth's still spinning perfectly fine, and our lives are all getting along real well.

Grins. Speaking of which, I think Priscelia Chan's really pretty. Been seeing quite a bit of her on TV lately, and thinking that she actaully looks really amazing, at least on screen. Ah well. Since I'm thinking abt imposibilities aka Michelle Chia, I might as well spread my net ard the area...

Grins. After all, Paul's pining for a girl that is impossible to get, simply cos he's too big a wuss to ever tell her straight, so we can both sit ard and think abt the impossibilities.

Impossiblities... Possibilities...

Dammit man. I'm really talking absolute nonsense tonight. Good thing no one knows abt this blog...

There was a lot that went through my mind in the last 36 hours or so. Marcus' dad passed away, and I only received word yesterday afternoon that the wake was in the evening. I cancelled my dinner appointment and went down, and it more or less expectedly turned into a class gathering.

I guess funerals are the time where one is forced to consider one's mortality, and inevitably for me, I recall what left such a deep impression on me at my uncle's funeral recently - that ultimately, its not abt how much I've accomplished, but how many lives I've touched. See, there I was feeling so sorry for myself that at 25, I've got nothing to show for my life. Yet I remembered at the funeral was that what I wanted to hear at my eulogy, was not what I've accomplished in my life, but how many people can go up and say how I've made a difference in theirs.

Ironically, class gatherings are also the time where we sit around and catch up, inevitably a time where we assess how 'successful' some have become over others. So there I was, in that setting, and feeling the sheer irony of it all, that two such polemical paradigms could exits within the same act of being there for a friend in need.

I also got to meet Serene, one of the first girls I really felt bowled over by. Never did have the courage to speak to her in school, cos she always seemed so out of reach for me, even as a friend. This was the first time I even had a conversation with her, and she still had what it takes to really take my breath away. Of course, given the whole situation, it was wildly inappropriate to be pursuing that train of thought there, so even then I never had a chance to say much to her. Didn't allow myself to either. But yeah, it was one of those things that made me go home with a sense of wistfulness, wondering how things could have been. She just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 4 yrs just 5 days ago, to add insult to injury. Hehz... *shrug* C'est la vie...

I just returned from watching The Passion Of the Christ. Passion. The same word in the Latin that is translated as "suffering". And what the movie portrayed was pretty much that. One cannot help but shed at least a tear while watching all that Christ went through. Everything from the sheer physical pain, to the rejection by those he loved, and the scorn of those who never had anything to do with him, it was a movie where you really just had no words to speak right after it ended. I always thought I had a comment or two abt everything, yet the show left me totally speechless for some time after it ended. Literally. I walked out of the cinema with my cell in silence, my mind whirling with so many thoughts. Interestingly enough, by then there was very little emotionalism left, just the sense of tiredness at having watched something so graphic, and knowing that every bit of what we saw was true. And a recollection of all the thoughts that had gone on in my mind throughout the 2.5 hrs that the movie lasted.

I guess with the communion coming up this Sunday, there couldn't have been a more apt time to watch it, at least for me. Lotsa food for thought. Esp since I'm leading worship.

My pastor just suddenly broke down in her email to my cell group, describing the stress that she was going through, the fears she had, and the weight of all that she's feeling even in her personal life. I felt a little awed, actually, in the context of my church, that a pastor would be willing to open up to a cell with her emotions and her fears. Its either testament to the fact that she really is quite different from all the other pastors in my church, or else testament to how extraordinarily stressful the youth ministry is right now.

I'm not thinking properly now. Its already 2, and I still haven't prepared worship. Gotta wake up in 6 hr's time. Better go now.

Can't believe its been more than a week already. Time certainly flies when you've got a lot on your mind. Last week was when Ravi came to town, and its been a time where I had to go back to some of the thoughts that shaped a big part of the way I looked at my faith, and to reflect on how far I've come since.

He spoke on a topic abt "Recapturing Wonder... Living Life To The Fullest", and I think that may have proved to be the most apt topic for me in a long, long time... Last time he came was 4 yrs ago, right before I've started NUS, and where ideals were again raised up within me, seeing university life as a chance at a fresh start after the dreariness of NS. Little did I expect that 4 yrs down the road, I'd have become so disillusioned, and so blind to all that I had held up not so long ago. I was set wondering what had gone wrong. Was it cos of my failure in my relationship? Was it cos of my dramatic failures in my studies? I think its neither. I think it actually is because in my 4 yrs of blind service to God, I've forgotten to take time out for God. I looked at my journals that I've started and abandoned over the past 4 yrs, and realised that I've not been able to keep a consistent quiet time of more than 2 months, before I'd drop the practice again.

So much for relying on God in all my 4 yrs.

Couple of weeks ago, before Ravi, I wrote abt cynicism and how I believe that ultimately it has to do with the fact that I allowed the vission of this world to cloud my vision of God. Something Ravi said really caught me. He said - "The only way to transcend the physical and the sensual while retaining their essential features is to bind them to the sacred." What he basically meant is that the only way for the things we see ard us, what we label as "reality", can only be overcome if we acknowledge that its real, through the perspective of God's presence and God's greater reality. I think that's what I allowed to happen to myself. I've learnt to see things detached from God's reality. So I construct for myself two sets of "realities", one where God reigns supreme - that's what I preach on the pulpit on sundays, and one where the axioms I proclaim on sundays inevitably falls short - what I espouse in my everyday life.

Maybe that's why my whole week goes by in such confusion and depression, and I find myself unable to experience the joy of the Christian. I can appreciate the long-suffering that a Christian goes through, and even the fulfillment that results from my faithfulness, but somehow that joy has always managed to elude me. And if joy is supposed to be central to the Christian faith, then I shd be having a different experience from what I'm having now. Its one thing to have someone say how nice a person I am, yet I think its a totally different thing for someone to tell me that they see the joy of the Lord in me.

Think this thought shall stick with me for a while...

Pondering...

Reflecting...

Praying...