My uncle has finally been cremated and put to rest. You know, its really funny how I can speak less than ten words to my uncle in ten years, and yet still be affected by his death. I know my dad's definitely a lot more affected than I am by the whole thing. But I guess it was amazing seeing how most of the extended family, even though we hardly see each other, could just pull together to manage the funeral, the wake and the cremation for my aunty. We just arrived, adopted something to do, and helped each other out. I guess I found in the whole experience what I always longed to see in my church, where people who don't see each other very often can still pull together to help one another in the recognition that we're all in the same family.

Paul got slapped with 3 charges. Its more than I expected, and I guess he's feeling the strain of it more than I can begin to comprehend. Nevertheless, I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about myself as well, that my own hits are just waiting to come. What if I can't pass all my modules this sem? I always fail my english modules. What if my own dad falls ill? All the what ifs... Life nowadays seems like the weather. Grey skies, and plenty of heat to go round. My fellowship seems to finally be drawing to a close, with everyone going overseas, including Xiying. I myself am also considering doing so. No new leaders seem to be emerging, and we're all growing up awfully fast. Guess nostalgia's the word they use to describe my feelings. I'm told not to cling to the past, but to look forward, and look ahead. Yet when things seem to get increasingly bad the older I get, can I really help it if I indulge in a time when things were brighter?

I remembered this song which really touched me, about 3 yrs ago when I first heard it. Back then, I thought my problems with Grace in our r/s was a big deal, and I was feeling really troubled by it. Boy, if I had known then how trivial they were in comparison to what Paul and I are now going through, back then it would have been a breeze.

If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cause when I cross over Jordan
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and say You've never let me down
So take me down the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to

Last night Paul was just telling me how he feels he's really losing the plot. I guess there's not much to say in reply to that. James says "The testing of your faith develops perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." What does 'finish its work mean'? Does that mean there's more to come, but one day it'll all be over? Or does that mean keep at it till the day die? In other words, don't expect any form of reprieve in this life, but its always gonna be so full of shit? Cos if it is, I really envy my uncle, and I pity my aunt. He's gone. He's persevered to the end. And now he's got his reprieve. Barring an act of grace, I still have another 30-40 yrs left to go. Of living hell, if what I'm going through is any form of measurement.

"Hope you in the Lord and renew your strenth, soar you up on eagles' wings," so says a song from Michael Card. Weimin always messages me to tell me tomorrow's going to get better. Is it? I dunno... its increasingly sounding like worn out platitudes. So I usually just grit my teeth and go through the day. Mebbe someday I'll finally find out what I really good at doing, what I really want to do, and my life can take on a greater meaningfulness than it does right now.

Been a few days since I entered anything already. Been so absolutely swamped with stuff to do... Feeling really kindda down lately also, dunno why. Today at cell, Chew Chern asked us to name one thing that we wake up and look forward to - either a dream, or an objective of sorts. I find myself thinking: If only I could wake up and go through one day without any bad news... Just one day...

Was just thinking this might be the day... Service went alright, cell group started on time, Lynn's getting over her cousin's suicide... Even had a good albeit brief time talking with Henry abt service in church... Its sunday so Paul's not likely to get into more trouble with both the military and the courts... Then I came home early cos I wasn't feeling too well from my flu - and within five minutes of my reaching home, the phone rang to say my uncle has finally succumbed to his cancer.

Shit.

I was so close... to that 24 hrs where I don't have anything depressive to learn of about anyone around me. That magical 24 hrs shall be what I look forward to this week. In the midst of so much that's going around in church, school, my own personal life... give me a day where I can give thanks without effort Lord. A day when I can look back on and feel good for just about anything and everything that's passed. Indulge me, Lord.

I guess I'm in one of my more pensive moods right now, probably going to be taking some time out to just be alone and do some thinking... about what to do with my life after this whole episode is over. I really wonder sometimes - If I could go back to where I was 4 yrs ago... fresh out of NS, about to enter NUS... to have a fresh start from all the bumbles I've made of my life so far - but I'll have to give up the good about it too, such as getting to know people like Anthony, Paul, Sophie... having learnt so much from my break-up with Grace... and even the chance to know pple like Weixiu and Weimin better... not to mention my service in church, and all that I've come to know about God... would I forfeit everything for a fresh start? Of course, there's a chance that I could still build that up in due time, but would I be willing to risk the good in order to be able to rase the bad? I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather live with my regrets, and thank God for what I have in my life now, than to have a second chance to screw up more badly than the first... hahaha...

Ah well. Gotta go off to my uncle's house soon. Thank God's he's Christian. But he's the "good" uncle from my dad's side... yet he's the one who dies... sigh... Crap. I'll save that piece of angst for another day. Grins.

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. [1]
4 Their voice [2] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

-Psalm 19

Here I am in the Guild House once again, sitting down and reading Psalm 19, while looking out through the window at the sky, the trees, the grass patch, and listening to the birds. Verse 14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight". As I'm so tempted to once again bitch about my life, and about all that's going around me, I guess today I'm going to try spending it looking at everything around me, and learn to give praise and thanks to God for what He has made. Paul just called to fill me in on what he's going through, and so as I spend it thinking abt God, and praying for him, I pray I can change my disposition slowly, recognizing the goodness He intends for my life, and even to see the goodness He intends for Paul's, that he might be encouraged.

Shit man. Just when I was beginning to feel a little better. 10 mins ago I just got a msg from my friend. Her 15 yr old cousin took his own life, and now she's telling me she's angry at God for taking away someone she cares for. 15 yrs old!!!! Dying from cancer is one thing, taking his own life at a tender 15 is another altogether...

Guess its always depressing to hear news like this. But to think that just when I was beginning to feel a little better - sent Xianghui off this morning, Paul's best friend is finally back, and I've finally cleared my tests for the week... I get a piece of news like this. Just how am I to react to this? Get depressed again? Thank God it ain't MY cousin? I really can't seem to find anything to give thanks for, when I hear news like this... And how am I to go comofrt my friend? I guess the right thing is to not say anything but just listen... but what do I do when she's demanding answers? Guess I just don't feel like I'm helping when she keeps demanding and I can only reply with my own silence...

I don't understand my own reaction, at the same time... I'm not very close to this friend, nor do I know the cousin personally. But I guess news of how a 15 yr old can choose to snuff out his own life, especially when its someone whom I know by association, can be a lot more striking. I'd love to tell him that whatever shit he feels he's in, it can't be as bad as what me and Paul are going through. I'd love to tell him that at 15, his life hasn't even started yet... much less even considering ending it. I don't even know if he's Christian. So what if he is? He still chose to take his own life, didn't he?

Ah well. Just needed to come online to unwind a little, and work through my thoughts.

Its 8:45am, and I'm sitting in the Guild House after a pretty bad night of rest. Lotsa thoughts were going through my mind, especially after my letter from MOE finally arrived. So as from today, I'm officially no longer an MOE scholar, no longer going to be a teacher, and my life as I know it is finally over. Grins. Nah... But still, when the letter came yesterday, I didn't know how to break the news to my dad. As it turned out, I didn't need to. He's already read the copy sent to my mom. Grins. Ah well. Thank God for small blessings.

I really don't know what to feel. Like a failure? For having failed to even graduate within 3 yrs is actually something I never envisioned myself doing when I first came in. As much as I'd like to feel that way, there are many who would try to comfort me, telling me not to follow that line of thought. Still, no one would actually refute that. Feel relieved? I guess in a way, simply because more and more I wasn't sure that teaching would have been something I'd wanted to do. But that simply creates another problem, where I'm unable to find a job when I do graduate. At the same time, another part of me wonders if my relief simply stems from an attempt at comforting myself, seeing a silver lining where none actually exists. Bah. Again I find myself asking God, half in seriousness, and a bigger half in jest - Which part of His eternal plan would I have ruined if I had been born rich? If I had been born filthy rich?

Of course, then I settle down and realise that it was probably the stupidest question to ask. (Not that it wasn't a valid question, mind. Just that it probably didn't make any difference in any case.) I would still have failed my studies, rich or not. I'd still have the same character defects, rich or not. But it sure would have helped a lot right now if I had a little more money, Lord... hehz...

Another reason for having been pretty restless all night was more peculiar - I suddenly kept on thinking of Grace. And I'm still racking my brains, wondering why. It starts again with memories that keep coming back, of the 4 yrs we had together. Memories of things we'd done together, our disagreements, even some really great moments we had with each other. Then it'd again be about the last big disagreement we had that led to our falling out. About the things we left unsaid to each other, which until now still gives me the sense that things are unresolved. Then of course, the wonder of why the hell I'm actually still indulging in these thoughts almost a yr on. I berate myself for regressing, and try my best to force these thoughts out of my head. But they keep coming back.

They say thoughts are like birds over your head - you can't stop them from flying over you, but you can stop them from building nests in your head. So I keep trying, but they keep coming back. And for my life, I really don't know why!!!

Is it cos another major failure/setback in my life sets me thinking abt my previous setback? Or is it simply cos I saw Andrew on sunday,and so I think back to Grace? Is it cos I saw both Lijuan and Baoyu talking to Grace very seriously on sun? Or is it cos everyone's going back overseas again plus we just sent Xianghui off... that I'm feeling really nostalgic? Or is it because Valentine's Day just past, and I'm actually not over her? Obviously, I've been obsessing over this for the whole night. And like most obsessions, there's no answer to give. Dammit. In the meantime, I'm still trying to exorcise these thoughts.

On a totally different track - I remember writing in my journal a long long time ago, that I sometimes think God will systematically remove the things in our life, one at a time, until we're really stripped down to absolutely nothing, if that's what it takes to bring us back to Him. And perhaps that's the source of my setbacks. As I continue to run away from Him, and pay him superficial homage, straying further and further away from the ideals I once upheld in the days of my youth, beginning to more and more be worldly, and settling for the values and ideals that this world prescribes, He continues to shout to me to return to Him. Its like His reminder to the church of Ephesus, that I need to repent from having forgotten my first love. (And I hope that doesn't refer to Grace. Grins.) But is it possible to go back to what I once was? My innocence is lost, Lord. Can I ever get it back? Seared with the sins of my past, can my soul ever regain the tenderness of my youth? Is there a recourse for one such as I? How do I go about being as "shrewd as a snake and as innocent as a dove" (Matt 10:16)?

There are some who comes close to that - people who are shrewd about the things that really matter: ministering to God's people, disciplining themselves in managing their own lives, studying the Word, etc. But they're really slow to see and even slower to react to politics, and things that don't build up. I see them being apparently shortchanged in life, but they go on, seemingly oblivious to it, and always cheerfully and faithfully serving the Lord, trusting that He will watch over them. And then I sit back and marvel at them, and wonder at myself. Marvelling at the fine model of faithfulness that they are, and wondering at how much further away I can be from them. For I find myself unbecomingly obsessed with politics, and at the same time too prone to whine and moan abt my service to God. I guess as much I should learn from them instead of just beating myself up over it, it's nevertheless a humbling experience... everytime I think I'm growing and improving - to see how much further I have to go. That's one of the reasons why I'm really going to miss Xianghui so much, cos he's one of the most readily available models of selfless service to God. Selfless simply cos when he serves, there's no trace of self in it.

Of course, I hope one day that I can be that kind of person to someone else. And then I remind myself that if I ever do become that someone, I wouldn't have such aspirations, but would simply want to give my best to God. Grins.

Press on, Peng...

Man, its really been a traumatic week all in all. From bailing Paul out of jail on Tuesday right up till saturday night (Valentines' Day no less), its been a week that's tested how strong my heart is. Another friend whom I value very much, called me out for dinner. I assumed that it was cos his gf is overseas and he thought he might as well use the time to catch up. So I did. Turns out that he needed to talk to me, cos he was feeling really lousy over the fact that he was losing 2 very impt pple in his life. First was his gf, whom he feels is drifting away from him. (Grins, that I can understand...) Second is his best friend, a guy who went to UK and came back really liberal - he tried to come on to my friend, who couldn't accept it. So they basically called off the friendship.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I know Paul's the only one reading, and he sure as anything won't be offended by that, but I'm still sorry for the vulgarities. Can't help it. Its really one of those days in which I don't know what to say at all man...

A very dear brother of mine in my cell and also my worship ministry is leaving for Australia to study for 2 years. Am really going to miss him. He was one of those special people that I always look to when I feel I need a reminder of how one can be a great man of God, serving with the gifts he has, without letting the gifts point back to himself. Too often I find that when I serve God, the whole act eventually points back to me. I'm not able to remove myself from the picture, and solely point to God. Today in cell, we were talking about the book of Philippians, and how the apostle Paul exhorts them to uphold Christian unity and humility. And I think that's as clear a message to me as can be already. 2 things I feel God's been speaking to me since the start of the year, even through all that has happened in church - To keep the peace and unity in church, and to learn humility.

Learning to see how big a mess I'm in - emotionally, spiritually, academically and perhaps even relationally, has really been a humbling experience. To realise that if not for the lavish grace of God, I'd not have turned out to be half the person I am today, but would have become someone that who I am today would surely snub. And that again teaches me to learn to love everyone around me with the love of God. My episode with Andrew, my brushes with him and Grace, has taught me discipline and forebearance. To learn to come before God with my hurts and disappointments, and allow Him to do the healing, instead of seeking my own means of resolution. To always keep the big picture of harmony in the church, so as not to stumble anyone else.

Perhaps a little late to be growing up, but I guess better later than never. And perhaps in due time, when I do bother learning the lessons that God's been yelling down my deaf ear all this while, I might actually start changing, and finally be ready for a new relationship in my life. (Yes, Paul's gonna write again about how I'm still bitching abt my need for a girl. Hey, can't help it if I do feel this way man. Grins.)

How would I describe the way I feel right now?

Bittersweet.

Bitter because there are still issues in my life that remain outstanding, which I am yet to fix. Sweet because... I dunno... a gut feel tells me that at least for tonight, things are looking up. I'm reallly enjoying my service in the Youth Service now, in spite of the problems we currently face. Sometimes, that's all I ask God for - that glimmer of hope and light, that keeps me going for the next few days. A reminder every now and then, that God is still near, and He's still watching over me.

Bittersweet.

I guess with so much that can go wrong in a person's life, there's actually a lot for me and Paul to give thanks for, even in our current position. I think I'm a little like Dr Cox in SCRUBS. I'm always an optimist inside, but I can't help being cynical on the outside, and never really letting anyone into his own private world. Seems that only JD, Carla and Jordan actually know what Cox is like deep down inside. Now, JD, on the other hand, probably comes closer to who I'd like to be, someone who can't help being a geek, but is able to live with it and be pretty darned transparent.

Obviously, I've been watching SCRUBS again... hehz... one of the few joys in my life, seeing a group of people inside a hospital be such good friends, and hearing of their own insights into life. I sometimes catch myself in between the worlds of THE WEST WING and SCRUBS. The world of an adult, and the world of an adolescent. I would probably admit that most of my angst and depression is probably imaginary, and that actually there is nothing wrong with my life. Its an adolescent phase that I need to grow out of. If I could just grow out of my pimply days and recognize that at 25, I need to live differently, think differently, and actually just be a lot different from the way I live now. Goofing around every now and then is one thing, but it really ought to be a "once in a while thing" instead of an "all the time" event. Yet like how Dr Cox hides behind his gruff facade, so I find myself having great difficulty evolving into a different person. To sit still and keep quiet. To not say anything really stupid. To take my own life more seriously. To basically learn to be a serious person.

Bloody Paul was remarking that I shd first stop imitating his writing, and secondly today that I need a girl. Sigh... Am I? Do I? Actually, all I need now is to just strike lottery. Muahahaha... and guess what - he needs to do so too. Grins. A girl? I dunno... when I write this I'm always alone and feeling real lonely. Mebbe that's why. But shit man, I better not be stuck with Paul in 20 yr's time. I'l definitely need a girl by then. And mebbe someday, I shd write my blog in chinese, and see how far he can read what I write. Hahaha...

Have worship rehearsal tonight, so this weekened I need to move from pseudo holiness (Fri - rehersal) to manic depressive (sat - Valentines'), to being right before God (sun - worship). Whoo hoo! Bring it on, baby!!

I've got it!

Here I have been all this while moping over my pending lonesome Valentines' Day, when suddenly I know what I'll do!! I'll... stay home and feel sorry for all the other losers out there without a date too!!! Grins.

*Stabs myself*

You know, I'm actually pretty worried for Paul. Don't think he's in a very good shape currently. Yes, Paul, I know you're reading this. Grins. Not trying to score brownie points. Can't help it if you want to intrude into my private thoughts here. Muahaha... Ah well... you know how certain things that are said and done at the wrong time are just really cheesy and tacky? I fugured the "wrong time" would apply to how certain gestures and thoughts are pretty extravagant and excessive under normal circumstances, so when used in those conditions render whatever is done to be inappropriate. That being said, it stands to reason that under very special circumstances, certain words would shed the tacky tag and actually be appropriate words for an appropriate occasion. So the following song's for you, buddy mine...

Here For You
So you think you've got it all figured out
Well you know you can't make it alone
Everybody needs somebody to help them out
And you know I could be that someone

And if you ever get lost on life's highway
Don't know where to go
There's just one thing that I want you to know

I am here for you, always here for you
When you need a shoulder to cry on
Someone to rely on, I am here for you

So you think that love is long overdue
Tired of looking for someone to care
Let me tell you now the choice is up to you
But you know I will always be there

I am here for you, always here for you
When you're needin' someone to hold you
Remember I told you, I am here for you
I am here for you

So now you've got it all figured out
And you know you've found someone that cares
And if you ever need somebody to help you out
Well you know I will always be there

And if you ever get lost on life's highway
Don't know where to go
There's just one thing that I want you to know


Err... yeah. I'm praying for you. Hang in there, we can all look back in 20 yrs' time and laugh at what happened 20 yrs ago. IF we're both still alive then. Grins.

Doing my QT this morning, and again the question of how to make my life count surfaced in the material I was using. Guess God's not gonna let me walk out of Ministry Matters ignoring what He said... Was doing a lot of thinking after that, and... I dunno. There are days when I feel I need to change my whole manner of life, and the way I engage people. The way I live, in apparent frivolity, is hardly a good testament in front of people who don't know me well. So I guess if I ever want to change my life, that would be a good place to start. But I wonder how freaked out people would be if I suddenly became my sister. Hahaha... Not to mention how the restrain would probably kill me after 2 days. Imagine - no bad jokes, no slacking around, trying my darned best to be serious in front of everyone... man, I'd kill myself. (Gee, I had no idea how boring my sister was... Hehz...)

Still, I guess there's a line to draw between the intentional frivolity I display in front of people, and the more serious aspect of the callousness with which I sometimes treat my own life. I mean, a lot of times I play the role of a clown cos it lowers expectations of me, thus making life as easy as possible for me. Always being the resident funny guy also means very few people see the hurt and pain I'm experiencing, thus ensuring I don't need to open myself up to people. And if I don't live my life seriously, then it doesn't matter as much when I screw up my life since people already think I'm an idiot. And in due time, I guess the whole act gets to me and I find I can't help but be a clown, that I've lost control of my own life.

So Lord - how do I make my life count? I guess I just have to start by taking responsibility for my own life once again... Responsibility's a pretty big word for me. It was one of those things I never did learn. Maybe after 25 yrs, its finally time to start learning.

*bleah*

That was in effect what Paul had to say to me in his blog, on top of calling me white - when I mentioned that I found him a little dark. First of all, he got it wrong. The opposite of dark is light... which of course, would be wrong, given how heavy I am. So wait... mebbe he DID get it right after all. Hehz... Secondly, if that was all he did, it would be the least of my worries.

I just spent 4 hours at Ubi Traffic Police HQ, bailing him out after he was caught driving without a seatbelt - and also without a license. I guess I can't chastise him for needing a good slap, since I pretty much screwed up my own life too. On the one hand its a pretty serious offence, yet on the other there is also a lot of room for clemency, which I believe he will get. At least, that's what I'll be praying from today till his sentencing...

I swear my life was a lot easier before I went into Uni. People were a lot easier, things were a lot clearer. Were they? I mean, without my being aware of what's going on (people sleeping around, rogue deacons and pastors *grins*, suicides... etc), these things still happen, don't they? I can't figure out if its a good or bad thing to know all this, actually. Like I've said before, I find that one of my greatest weakness is that I'm invariably drawn to social politics. And since knowledge is power, the more dirt I have on someone, the more I'm able to dictate how I want to swing things my way. Yet the knowledge of just how ugly someone else's life can be usually just all the more clouds how ugly my own life and thoughts are... leaving me to focus on the speck in the eyes of those around me, while paying no heed to my own increasing blindness.

These days leading up to Valentines' has been a week of self-bashing, where I chastise myelf for being so self-centred. How dare I feel sorry for myself that I don't have a date, when this is probably the least of my problems? I talk to so many of my friends, many of whom broke up about the same time as me, and who are now happily involved in the life of another, and I'm so happy for them, listening and even helping them in their prep... then I go home and realise that this will be the first time in 4 yrs that I'm probably going home for dinner on Valentines' Day. Guess anything anyone can say to that - I would have told myself, and more. Yet this is a time when words fall flat, and I just have to go through the experience. Hehz... mebbe I shd get Andrew Wang and myself to go out on a double date with Pamela and Sue-Ann. Grins. Noooooooo!!!!! Help!!!!! I'm mad!!!!!!!!!

Oh well.

But I DID spend Monday night with them at Black Angus. Grins. Even got a watch from Eric, which I actually really like... hehz... we really had a lot of fun catching up, and also reliving the whole wedding. Oh, the phtos were great. I think Hilarion really did an amazing job. I dunno why, but I was genuinely happy that night. I guess seeing Eric and Mel really together now, and seeing how despite all that went through their heads just prior to the wedding, that they look a lot more settled now - I'm so happy for them. It also gives me a renewed sense of hope that mebbe relationships are like that - you plough through your doubts, and if you can remain committed to what you've pledged, you'll eventually reap what you've sown. Maybe I can believe and bring myself to love once again.

Of course, asking a girl out would be a different thing. Mebbe I shd really start praying now, that the right girl would ask me out... hehz... so that mebbe after 20 yrs of faithful and pathetic prayer, God might show mercy, and I can get married before I'm 50.

*slaps myself*
*again*
*again*

Shit. I'm actually awake.

Finally decided to transfer my thoughts into a blog, and organize some of my most paranoid and neurotic thoughts from this year in as well. Was good reading through my thoughts for the past few weeks, and seeing how mad I truly am. I wonder if I really am the only one on earth feeling and thinking the way I do.

Anyway, I just attended a 3 day conference by Project Timothy. Ministry Matters. Guess there was a lot of good out of that... but sadly, a lot of negative things I take home with me too. Guess this is going to be a pretty long entry, given that it covers so many thoughts I've had over this weekend. *flex*

Starting with the bimbo stuff - the hotel was really cool! Man, a new 4-star hotel with lotsa cool toys to play with, and even cable TV!! I watched my first EPL match in like... forever!! Haha... so much for a christian retreat huh? Think it was a really well done conference all in all, as far as the organisation was concerned. Definitely enjoyed that part of it.

Speakers
I guess there were in fact only 2 speakers - Allan Chapple, and Justine Mote. Think I'm biased cos I like the British more, and really felt like I was able to better understand what he was driving at. Allan Chapple was a different story all together. Felt that he was pretty biased in some of the things he said, and that he was often belabouring the same point. Felt pretty restless often. I mean, what he said was true and right, but I guess I was rather unteachable when he taught.

Justin Mote made the time go by faster, since he was more succint and also spoke at a much faster pace. Could better keep me awake. Grins. Of course, I also better appreciated his humour. Just that I found it a little hard to follow him at first, and what he was driving at. Guess bottom line was that I didnt' really see a close connection between what Justin Mote was talking about, and what Allan Chapple was saying.

Small Group
I had a guy called Edmund as my group leader. Man, he's really long winded! I'm sorry, but I absolutely cannot stand it when he decides to use three illustrations to demonstrate a point, and waxing eloquently at it. More people could have interracted on more topics if he could have been more succinct. Guess that affected the way I listened to what he had to say.

My group was pretty diverse, with people coming from as far as Russia! We all obviously had many different values and culture, and I think Edmund had problems trying to take in the entire group as a whole. Ah well. Basically my group wasn't very strong.

Bunking with Paul
Well, we indulged again in our talk about girls, and what we look for in a r/s. And I guess he and I share certain similarities in our search for our life partner. Like - looking for a best friend as a wife, wondering how ready we are to head into a new r/s with certain scars that we bear from our old one... wondering if we're really able to handle a new r/s without committing the mistakes from the old one. I think what really went ringing in my head was the fact that I'm going through another phase where I do feel my loneliness pretty acutely at night sometimes, but I don't think I'm mature enough to handle another r/s right now. Shit. Don't think there's any easy way out of this, except painfully waiting and growing, abiding in the Lord, and in the trust that He will provide for me in His time.

One of his friends committed suicide on the second day of the retreat, and he received word of it at night. Guess it shook him up a little. Maybe more than a little. I know I was really shaken to hear that Mary committed suicide just 2 years after we graduated from SAJC. While never really knowing her that well, death of our peers, at such a young age is always more than just a little jolting. It left me feeling very vulnerable, for some reason... and gave me a reminder that life is really so fragile, and easily snuffed out. I mean, there was absolutely no warning, just the news over a phonecall "Did you know she just jumped? Died immediately. Shocking."

Of course, we had fun times goofing around in the room also, and it was a good time to just chill out from the depression of my life, and the same of his life. I think Paul's really too dark sometimes. even in the midst of fun, there's always this cloud hanging over him, which seems to be embedded in his very personality. Guess that makes our goofing seem doubly superficial, since it doesn't seem to penetrate into him to help lighten up his thoughts.

ARPC Culture
I dunno... The most controversial sharing of course had to be reserved for Chris Chia. For all that I've come to appreciate about him and ARPC, there's something remotely disturbing about how cutting and scathing he can be sometimes with his tongue. I mean, its fine to poke gentle fun at someone or something else, but save for a severe breach of the Truth that warrants proper admonishment, he comes across as being a little too fliappant and insensitive towards the feelings and values of others. I mean, outside of the pulpit and amongst closer friends I admit I also take pretty flagrant jabs at people. But up there on the pulpit, and esp as a minister of the gospel, to so openly and in an almost disrespectful way by which he sometimes dismisses that which others hold dear - strikes me as being rather disappointing. And that was confirmed by how many people who were OUTSIDE of ARPC were not happy with what he said. I spoke to more than a handful of them, and they were all not very happy with what transpired that night.

Seems that only the people from ARPC were comfortable with what he said all night. I guess that was one aspect. Also, the fact that they all seemed so comfortable with the way their pastor was blatantly being rather insensitive sometimes, strikes me as being a rather dangerous ground to thread on... either in their blind devotion to him, which might not be a baaaad thing now, but ought to at least trigger a warning light - or else its that the uniformity of the church in how everyone holds to the same values so keenly and almost eerily has a similar way of behaviour... kindda makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

Don't get me wrong. The teaching is great. And I totally agree with the values that they espouse, of preaching the Word, of knowing Christ and making Christ known. Even by the message itself, I agree with almost everything Chris said that night. What gives me the creeps is how such a uniformity in due time usually becomes imposed, in that after a while you'll find that the diversity in the church ceases to exist, because there will be many who feels like a misfit amongst so many who shares a similar culture. Like it or not, culture is an inevitable element of the church, and its also a major factor in shaping the people who attends the church. Chris Chia himself acknowledges that to be true when he talked about how he sends everyone to the same college to prevent theological and cultural differences.

Another thing I've increasingly come to wonder about ARPC was the manner and form of worship, and their take on it. Almost every song they used was tailored to speak to and teach the congregation. Its a very horizontal type of worship. There's little to no vertical aspect to their worship, where the songs we sing are directed to God. In three days, the only song that was directed to God was KNOWING YOU. I mean, proper teaching is important. Its right that they pick their songs carefully, so as to be able to ensure that the songs do not contain doctrinal untruths. But when the session practically leaves no room for an emotional offering to God, as well as an outlet for an emotional response to God, then I find that to be a pretty big chunk lacking in the session. On top of which, they label all such sessions as the singing of songs.

I understand that they want to keep the terms right - worship rightly means the offering of our lives, and not just the 20 min song sessions. But to reduce it to 4 songs that teach the Word in the singing, it seems to be too drastic a reduction. And when the topic was very marginally breached in my small group, the pple from ARPC in the grp seemed absolutely unable to appreciate where the others were coming from, but all just stuck by their own values. I applaud such a firm conviction, but I wonder also how much "brainwashing" had to go, in order to drill such a uniform conviction in all of them. I mean, don't they feel emotionally oppressed at all during the "singing of songs"???????

I wonder what Bernice and Henry thinks and feels...

After Thoughts
Ah well. It wasn't all bad. I made a lot of new friends, and even dug up a couple of old ones. And I think speding time with fellow believers is always such a great time for me. I get very much distracted from the things around me very often. Being in such an environment helps me keep things in perspective, that there's another extreme that I ought to be gravitating towards. Grins.

I also learnt something from the interview session that I had with Edmund. Helped me put my plans to serve full-time into a better perspective, rather than that rather lofty and hazy idea I always had. Man, its really hard to serve God sometimes.

Of course, after all my negative thoughts about this and that part of the sermons "too simplistic", "he's talking nonsense la", "Really? I don't see that happening", amongst many, I used to wonder - if I were to be absolutely teachable, and do what I was told - I'd probably still be a better Christian than I am right now... then I guess I realise it's stilll about me, and not about what the preacher has to say or offer. Sigh...

Guess the most striking message I take back is again the reminder that to serve God is to be called to be long-suffering. And that I need to count the cost everytime I serve, to see that I do not labour in vain.

Ended 3 days of talk on the book of Revelations in ORPC today. Allan Chapple, a guy from Australia was the main speaker. I guess... its a really difficult book to speak about when you don't want to add your own interpretations, so it turned out that not too many people found him particularly spectacular. Paul didn't even bother to come on the third day. Grins.

Learnt today just how much more blatantly Grace's fellowship is becoming an anti-Bingxun fellowship. They actually told Weimin to stay off me, and stop associating with me. You know, my first reaction was actually one of rage, at how low they can get. And I was really sorry she had to be one of those put into such a position. Never once have I spoken out against the fellowship, yet they paint a picture that if she were to be close to me, she cannot be loyal to her fellowship. Of course, I'd naturally point the finger to Andrew, and his negative propaganda against me. So I guess he'd naturally associate anything negative that's against him as having come from me.

As much as I always feel that politics suck, I find that to be my greatest weakness. I'm always fixated by the play of power in any circle, and so naturally the church circle - closest to my heart, would naturally become what I obsess over. I tell myself to cease and desist from such thoughts, and focus on what the apostle Paul exhorts:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - Phil 4:8

Yet I find that the seed of bitternes in me is one that refuses to go away. Whenever I feel wronged, I immediately find my thoughts turning to how I can play it back to my favour. On days like these it's the scariest, cos I can actually convince myself that what I do is not wrong, but that there is a right to be wronged, an injustice to be corrected, and a brother or sister in need of chatisement and proper correction. And so I try to picture myself playing God, and when I decide not to play, the resentment quietly festers away.

Of course, when I sit down and really think hard about it after I've cooled down, I find that I've done everything that they're doing now, and so I am also really not in a position to say much. I guess ultimately its again that same lesson I've been trying to learn for the past 12 years - that its not about other people, but its all about the state of my own heart.

Spent about 3 hours tonight with Daoxing and Serene, just catching up and also talking... guess I really have lost touch with them. Serene said something that really got me thinking - she said she envies me because I always look so happy... Do I? Sometimes I really marvel at myself, at how I can look so happy on the outside while remaining so unhappy on the inside. Then the neurosis in me prompts me to ask - am I really unhappy inside, or do I just fancy the idea that I'm unhappy inside?

All I know is that I'm a people pleaser, and so I go all out to make sure people are comfortable when they're with me. Mebbe that's why I stay happy on the outside - to try keeping them happy. And that's tiring - so I end up feeling miserable on the inside. Shit. I sound really lame now...

I told them both something in return - I just seek to be understood. In the whole wide world, I seek to find one person who actually can see past the mask I wear, and the words I speak to hide who I truly am inside. 2 songs come to my mind: IRIS by Goo Goo Dolls, and SAD CLOWN by Jars Of Clay.

Iris
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

Sad Clown
Say how's the weather?
So I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control
The rain that keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light
Stumble inside with me, with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you


That's how I feel on most days. A sad clown who tries my best to please those around me, that they might enjoy moments of genuine pleasure at the expense of my artificial humour. In return, all I ask for is someone who can see past what I am, and know who I really am. So far the closest has been Paul, but even so he and I are actually very different in many ways, and so I guess when it comes to the crunch, he too is not someone whom can be a soulmate. Loyal yes. Faithful yes. Understanding yes. But fundamentally, he and I are different. So my search still goes on for that one person out there who will understand who I am no matter what I say or do.

Yes, I meant it that way. Someone who knows WHO I am, no matter what I say or do. And someday, that'll be the girl that I marry, or the guy who becomes my best friend. Not that I'm ungrateful for all the really close friends I now have, the people whom I realy care for. Right now I can name three - Paul, Weixiu and Weimin. I guess I should really be grateful for them. And I am... but that should not stop me from continuing in my pursuit for my best friend, or the girl who is my soulmate. The cynic in me says I'll be searching forever. The romantic in me tells me if I should search forever and not find it, the search would have been worth it still.

Funny that only the other day Zhaoxiang called me out to talk. He told me he feels really lonely. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry in response to that. The absolute irony of it all just hit me there and then. I'm lonely too!! I'm incredibly lonely!!

"We're all lonely!!" I wanted to shout out at him. "What makes you think even for one crazy second that I'm different??? Because I can make people laugh? Because I always look happy, and happy people are never short of friends?" No, my friend... clowns are always the saddest people around. The loneliest, after the lights are turned out. Because after the show, the crowd goes back.

So I told him that there are a lot of times when I sing YOU ARE MY ALL IN ALL, I really cry out to God that indeed, when I feel the loneliest - that's when I realise that until He grants me the fruit of my search for a soulmate, He still remains my all in all.

Maybe until the day I die, that song will remain the cry of my heart. Maybe that's why God says "My grace is sufficient for you."

Ironic, even in that, the first and only girl I dared to love should be called Grace.

Sometimes God's humour really hurts. Guess that's the only way to get me to go back to Him.

Just watched THE LAST SAMURAI. Man, Tom Cruise actually looks really good. And right now I actually sound really gay. Grins. Dammit. The female looked good too. There. Fixed the problem. =)

It was a typical flick modelled after DANCES WITH WOLVES, where the hero decides to fight for what's right, rather than betray his own conscience. Of course, everyone dies at the end except Tom Cruise, who becomes the hero AND wins the girl. If only these things actually happen in real life.

Think these movies give me an elevated hope in mankind, and I force myself to become cynical right after it so as to bring myself down to earth before I get shot down. Hara-kiri is what the japs call it, I believe. Self imposed death rather than to die at the hands of others. Ironic huh? Ironic simply because I chose to commit hara-kiri out of that same belief in the lofty ideals they uphold.

Think that's how I live my life too. I goof around, and make myself pretty irritating to many, and pretty much a sad act to most around me, thus retaining only a few around me who get to see a little more of myself. Thus I can assure myself that those who stay by my side through all this can really be counted as my true friends. To the rest of the people out there who know me, I'd rather kill off the friendship myself before they do it and I'm left behind to lick the scars. I chose the way of the hermit, simply because I cannot break out of that desire to protect myself from being rejected by people I once used to be really close to. And I don't even mean Grace, though that certainly hurts the most.

Friends in church and in school whom I once spent almost every waking moment with, have now gone. We can't even talk anymore when we do meet up. Its all so polite and superficial. Its like class gatherings at chalets where we all meet up, only to find we have nothing to talk about anymore - so far apart have we drifted - that we all end up watching the TV, to avoid the awkwardness that comes with re-establishing what we once had. And church is no different. When they get attached, or get involved in new friendships, or become pre-pccupied with other matters, I just fade away into the background... forced to take a backseat in the life of someone with whom I once was so close to.

Do all friendships end this way? Do they really have to? Or do I just accept that it does and stop struggling to keep the friendships that are waning? When I talk to Paul about these things, I tell him to remember that he can count himself lucky if he can have 2 close friends to be by his side at his funeral. Yet, deep inside myself I too, wistfully wish I'm wrong - that at my funeral, everyone whose life I once touched and whom I allowed to touch my life will be there to remember my death, and celebrate my life.

Guess watching how people who die on the battlefield together share a really special bond in that last moments of life really makes me wonder if that's really actually a better way to die. To know that in your dying moments, you don't go alone, but that there's someone who's there with you right till the end, with a common cause and purpose as yours. And of course, I'm now talking about that someone in my life again. Shit. I always come back to that. Am I that lonely? Can't I learn to live life the way I am right now, and be content in that handful of good friends that I still have? Why do I always end the day thinking again about looking for that special girl who really understands me, and who can stand being with me?

Think I should just shoot myself.

*bang*

Dammit, I missed.

Grins.

Ah well... guess I gotta go on living then.