Thursday, February 26, 2004

My uncle has finally been cremated and put to rest. You know, its really funny how I can speak less than ten words to my uncle in ten years, and yet still be affected by his death. I know my dad's definitely a lot more affected than I am by the whole thing. But I guess it was amazing seeing how most of the extended family, even though we hardly see each other, could just pull together to manage the funeral, the wake and the cremation for my aunty. We just arrived, adopted something to do, and helped each other out. I guess I found in the whole experience what I always longed to see in my church, where people who don't see each other very often can still pull together to help one another in the recognition that we're all in the same family.

Paul got slapped with 3 charges. Its more than I expected, and I guess he's feeling the strain of it more than I can begin to comprehend. Nevertheless, I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about myself as well, that my own hits are just waiting to come. What if I can't pass all my modules this sem? I always fail my english modules. What if my own dad falls ill? All the what ifs... Life nowadays seems like the weather. Grey skies, and plenty of heat to go round. My fellowship seems to finally be drawing to a close, with everyone going overseas, including Xiying. I myself am also considering doing so. No new leaders seem to be emerging, and we're all growing up awfully fast. Guess nostalgia's the word they use to describe my feelings. I'm told not to cling to the past, but to look forward, and look ahead. Yet when things seem to get increasingly bad the older I get, can I really help it if I indulge in a time when things were brighter?

I remembered this song which really touched me, about 3 yrs ago when I first heard it. Back then, I thought my problems with Grace in our r/s was a big deal, and I was feeling really troubled by it. Boy, if I had known then how trivial they were in comparison to what Paul and I are now going through, back then it would have been a breeze.

If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cause when I cross over Jordan
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and say You've never let me down
So take me down the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to

Last night Paul was just telling me how he feels he's really losing the plot. I guess there's not much to say in reply to that. James says "The testing of your faith develops perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." What does 'finish its work mean'? Does that mean there's more to come, but one day it'll all be over? Or does that mean keep at it till the day die? In other words, don't expect any form of reprieve in this life, but its always gonna be so full of shit? Cos if it is, I really envy my uncle, and I pity my aunt. He's gone. He's persevered to the end. And now he's got his reprieve. Barring an act of grace, I still have another 30-40 yrs left to go. Of living hell, if what I'm going through is any form of measurement.

"Hope you in the Lord and renew your strenth, soar you up on eagles' wings," so says a song from Michael Card. Weimin always messages me to tell me tomorrow's going to get better. Is it? I dunno... its increasingly sounding like worn out platitudes. So I usually just grit my teeth and go through the day. Mebbe someday I'll finally find out what I really good at doing, what I really want to do, and my life can take on a greater meaningfulness than it does right now.

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