Been a few days since I entered anything already. Been so absolutely swamped with stuff to do... Feeling really kindda down lately also, dunno why. Today at cell, Chew Chern asked us to name one thing that we wake up and look forward to - either a dream, or an objective of sorts. I find myself thinking: If only I could wake up and go through one day without any bad news... Just one day...
Was just thinking this might be the day... Service went alright, cell group started on time, Lynn's getting over her cousin's suicide... Even had a good albeit brief time talking with Henry abt service in church... Its sunday so Paul's not likely to get into more trouble with both the military and the courts... Then I came home early cos I wasn't feeling too well from my flu - and within five minutes of my reaching home, the phone rang to say my uncle has finally succumbed to his cancer.
Shit.
I was so close... to that 24 hrs where I don't have anything depressive to learn of about anyone around me. That magical 24 hrs shall be what I look forward to this week. In the midst of so much that's going around in church, school, my own personal life... give me a day where I can give thanks without effort Lord. A day when I can look back on and feel good for just about anything and everything that's passed. Indulge me, Lord.
I guess I'm in one of my more pensive moods right now, probably going to be taking some time out to just be alone and do some thinking... about what to do with my life after this whole episode is over. I really wonder sometimes - If I could go back to where I was 4 yrs ago... fresh out of NS, about to enter NUS... to have a fresh start from all the bumbles I've made of my life so far - but I'll have to give up the good about it too, such as getting to know people like Anthony, Paul, Sophie... having learnt so much from my break-up with Grace... and even the chance to know pple like Weixiu and Weimin better... not to mention my service in church, and all that I've come to know about God... would I forfeit everything for a fresh start? Of course, there's a chance that I could still build that up in due time, but would I be willing to risk the good in order to be able to rase the bad? I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather live with my regrets, and thank God for what I have in my life now, than to have a second chance to screw up more badly than the first... hahaha...
Ah well. Gotta go off to my uncle's house soon. Thank God's he's Christian. But he's the "good" uncle from my dad's side... yet he's the one who dies... sigh... Crap. I'll save that piece of angst for another day. Grins.
I've been the king, I've been the clown. Now broken wings can't hold me down. I'm free again. The jester with the broken crown, it won't be me this time around to love in vain.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
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