Its 8:45am, and I'm sitting in the Guild House after a pretty bad night of rest. Lotsa thoughts were going through my mind, especially after my letter from MOE finally arrived. So as from today, I'm officially no longer an MOE scholar, no longer going to be a teacher, and my life as I know it is finally over. Grins. Nah... But still, when the letter came yesterday, I didn't know how to break the news to my dad. As it turned out, I didn't need to. He's already read the copy sent to my mom. Grins. Ah well. Thank God for small blessings.

I really don't know what to feel. Like a failure? For having failed to even graduate within 3 yrs is actually something I never envisioned myself doing when I first came in. As much as I'd like to feel that way, there are many who would try to comfort me, telling me not to follow that line of thought. Still, no one would actually refute that. Feel relieved? I guess in a way, simply because more and more I wasn't sure that teaching would have been something I'd wanted to do. But that simply creates another problem, where I'm unable to find a job when I do graduate. At the same time, another part of me wonders if my relief simply stems from an attempt at comforting myself, seeing a silver lining where none actually exists. Bah. Again I find myself asking God, half in seriousness, and a bigger half in jest - Which part of His eternal plan would I have ruined if I had been born rich? If I had been born filthy rich?

Of course, then I settle down and realise that it was probably the stupidest question to ask. (Not that it wasn't a valid question, mind. Just that it probably didn't make any difference in any case.) I would still have failed my studies, rich or not. I'd still have the same character defects, rich or not. But it sure would have helped a lot right now if I had a little more money, Lord... hehz...

Another reason for having been pretty restless all night was more peculiar - I suddenly kept on thinking of Grace. And I'm still racking my brains, wondering why. It starts again with memories that keep coming back, of the 4 yrs we had together. Memories of things we'd done together, our disagreements, even some really great moments we had with each other. Then it'd again be about the last big disagreement we had that led to our falling out. About the things we left unsaid to each other, which until now still gives me the sense that things are unresolved. Then of course, the wonder of why the hell I'm actually still indulging in these thoughts almost a yr on. I berate myself for regressing, and try my best to force these thoughts out of my head. But they keep coming back.

They say thoughts are like birds over your head - you can't stop them from flying over you, but you can stop them from building nests in your head. So I keep trying, but they keep coming back. And for my life, I really don't know why!!!

Is it cos another major failure/setback in my life sets me thinking abt my previous setback? Or is it simply cos I saw Andrew on sunday,and so I think back to Grace? Is it cos I saw both Lijuan and Baoyu talking to Grace very seriously on sun? Or is it cos everyone's going back overseas again plus we just sent Xianghui off... that I'm feeling really nostalgic? Or is it because Valentine's Day just past, and I'm actually not over her? Obviously, I've been obsessing over this for the whole night. And like most obsessions, there's no answer to give. Dammit. In the meantime, I'm still trying to exorcise these thoughts.

On a totally different track - I remember writing in my journal a long long time ago, that I sometimes think God will systematically remove the things in our life, one at a time, until we're really stripped down to absolutely nothing, if that's what it takes to bring us back to Him. And perhaps that's the source of my setbacks. As I continue to run away from Him, and pay him superficial homage, straying further and further away from the ideals I once upheld in the days of my youth, beginning to more and more be worldly, and settling for the values and ideals that this world prescribes, He continues to shout to me to return to Him. Its like His reminder to the church of Ephesus, that I need to repent from having forgotten my first love. (And I hope that doesn't refer to Grace. Grins.) But is it possible to go back to what I once was? My innocence is lost, Lord. Can I ever get it back? Seared with the sins of my past, can my soul ever regain the tenderness of my youth? Is there a recourse for one such as I? How do I go about being as "shrewd as a snake and as innocent as a dove" (Matt 10:16)?

There are some who comes close to that - people who are shrewd about the things that really matter: ministering to God's people, disciplining themselves in managing their own lives, studying the Word, etc. But they're really slow to see and even slower to react to politics, and things that don't build up. I see them being apparently shortchanged in life, but they go on, seemingly oblivious to it, and always cheerfully and faithfully serving the Lord, trusting that He will watch over them. And then I sit back and marvel at them, and wonder at myself. Marvelling at the fine model of faithfulness that they are, and wondering at how much further away I can be from them. For I find myself unbecomingly obsessed with politics, and at the same time too prone to whine and moan abt my service to God. I guess as much I should learn from them instead of just beating myself up over it, it's nevertheless a humbling experience... everytime I think I'm growing and improving - to see how much further I have to go. That's one of the reasons why I'm really going to miss Xianghui so much, cos he's one of the most readily available models of selfless service to God. Selfless simply cos when he serves, there's no trace of self in it.

Of course, I hope one day that I can be that kind of person to someone else. And then I remind myself that if I ever do become that someone, I wouldn't have such aspirations, but would simply want to give my best to God. Grins.

Press on, Peng...