Man, its really been a traumatic week all in all. From bailing Paul out of jail on Tuesday right up till saturday night (Valentines' Day no less), its been a week that's tested how strong my heart is. Another friend whom I value very much, called me out for dinner. I assumed that it was cos his gf is overseas and he thought he might as well use the time to catch up. So I did. Turns out that he needed to talk to me, cos he was feeling really lousy over the fact that he was losing 2 very impt pple in his life. First was his gf, whom he feels is drifting away from him. (Grins, that I can understand...) Second is his best friend, a guy who went to UK and came back really liberal - he tried to come on to my friend, who couldn't accept it. So they basically called off the friendship.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I know Paul's the only one reading, and he sure as anything won't be offended by that, but I'm still sorry for the vulgarities. Can't help it. Its really one of those days in which I don't know what to say at all man...

A very dear brother of mine in my cell and also my worship ministry is leaving for Australia to study for 2 years. Am really going to miss him. He was one of those special people that I always look to when I feel I need a reminder of how one can be a great man of God, serving with the gifts he has, without letting the gifts point back to himself. Too often I find that when I serve God, the whole act eventually points back to me. I'm not able to remove myself from the picture, and solely point to God. Today in cell, we were talking about the book of Philippians, and how the apostle Paul exhorts them to uphold Christian unity and humility. And I think that's as clear a message to me as can be already. 2 things I feel God's been speaking to me since the start of the year, even through all that has happened in church - To keep the peace and unity in church, and to learn humility.

Learning to see how big a mess I'm in - emotionally, spiritually, academically and perhaps even relationally, has really been a humbling experience. To realise that if not for the lavish grace of God, I'd not have turned out to be half the person I am today, but would have become someone that who I am today would surely snub. And that again teaches me to learn to love everyone around me with the love of God. My episode with Andrew, my brushes with him and Grace, has taught me discipline and forebearance. To learn to come before God with my hurts and disappointments, and allow Him to do the healing, instead of seeking my own means of resolution. To always keep the big picture of harmony in the church, so as not to stumble anyone else.

Perhaps a little late to be growing up, but I guess better later than never. And perhaps in due time, when I do bother learning the lessons that God's been yelling down my deaf ear all this while, I might actually start changing, and finally be ready for a new relationship in my life. (Yes, Paul's gonna write again about how I'm still bitching abt my need for a girl. Hey, can't help it if I do feel this way man. Grins.)

How would I describe the way I feel right now?

Bittersweet.

Bitter because there are still issues in my life that remain outstanding, which I am yet to fix. Sweet because... I dunno... a gut feel tells me that at least for tonight, things are looking up. I'm reallly enjoying my service in the Youth Service now, in spite of the problems we currently face. Sometimes, that's all I ask God for - that glimmer of hope and light, that keeps me going for the next few days. A reminder every now and then, that God is still near, and He's still watching over me.

Bittersweet.