Spent about 3 hours tonight with Daoxing and Serene, just catching up and also talking... guess I really have lost touch with them. Serene said something that really got me thinking - she said she envies me because I always look so happy... Do I? Sometimes I really marvel at myself, at how I can look so happy on the outside while remaining so unhappy on the inside. Then the neurosis in me prompts me to ask - am I really unhappy inside, or do I just fancy the idea that I'm unhappy inside?

All I know is that I'm a people pleaser, and so I go all out to make sure people are comfortable when they're with me. Mebbe that's why I stay happy on the outside - to try keeping them happy. And that's tiring - so I end up feeling miserable on the inside. Shit. I sound really lame now...

I told them both something in return - I just seek to be understood. In the whole wide world, I seek to find one person who actually can see past the mask I wear, and the words I speak to hide who I truly am inside. 2 songs come to my mind: IRIS by Goo Goo Dolls, and SAD CLOWN by Jars Of Clay.

Iris
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

Sad Clown
Say how's the weather?
So I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control
The rain that keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light
Stumble inside with me, with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you


That's how I feel on most days. A sad clown who tries my best to please those around me, that they might enjoy moments of genuine pleasure at the expense of my artificial humour. In return, all I ask for is someone who can see past what I am, and know who I really am. So far the closest has been Paul, but even so he and I are actually very different in many ways, and so I guess when it comes to the crunch, he too is not someone whom can be a soulmate. Loyal yes. Faithful yes. Understanding yes. But fundamentally, he and I are different. So my search still goes on for that one person out there who will understand who I am no matter what I say or do.

Yes, I meant it that way. Someone who knows WHO I am, no matter what I say or do. And someday, that'll be the girl that I marry, or the guy who becomes my best friend. Not that I'm ungrateful for all the really close friends I now have, the people whom I realy care for. Right now I can name three - Paul, Weixiu and Weimin. I guess I should really be grateful for them. And I am... but that should not stop me from continuing in my pursuit for my best friend, or the girl who is my soulmate. The cynic in me says I'll be searching forever. The romantic in me tells me if I should search forever and not find it, the search would have been worth it still.

Funny that only the other day Zhaoxiang called me out to talk. He told me he feels really lonely. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry in response to that. The absolute irony of it all just hit me there and then. I'm lonely too!! I'm incredibly lonely!!

"We're all lonely!!" I wanted to shout out at him. "What makes you think even for one crazy second that I'm different??? Because I can make people laugh? Because I always look happy, and happy people are never short of friends?" No, my friend... clowns are always the saddest people around. The loneliest, after the lights are turned out. Because after the show, the crowd goes back.

So I told him that there are a lot of times when I sing YOU ARE MY ALL IN ALL, I really cry out to God that indeed, when I feel the loneliest - that's when I realise that until He grants me the fruit of my search for a soulmate, He still remains my all in all.

Maybe until the day I die, that song will remain the cry of my heart. Maybe that's why God says "My grace is sufficient for you."

Ironic, even in that, the first and only girl I dared to love should be called Grace.

Sometimes God's humour really hurts. Guess that's the only way to get me to go back to Him.