Finally decided to transfer my thoughts into a blog, and organize some of my most paranoid and neurotic thoughts from this year in as well. Was good reading through my thoughts for the past few weeks, and seeing how mad I truly am. I wonder if I really am the only one on earth feeling and thinking the way I do.

Anyway, I just attended a 3 day conference by Project Timothy. Ministry Matters. Guess there was a lot of good out of that... but sadly, a lot of negative things I take home with me too. Guess this is going to be a pretty long entry, given that it covers so many thoughts I've had over this weekend. *flex*

Starting with the bimbo stuff - the hotel was really cool! Man, a new 4-star hotel with lotsa cool toys to play with, and even cable TV!! I watched my first EPL match in like... forever!! Haha... so much for a christian retreat huh? Think it was a really well done conference all in all, as far as the organisation was concerned. Definitely enjoyed that part of it.

Speakers
I guess there were in fact only 2 speakers - Allan Chapple, and Justine Mote. Think I'm biased cos I like the British more, and really felt like I was able to better understand what he was driving at. Allan Chapple was a different story all together. Felt that he was pretty biased in some of the things he said, and that he was often belabouring the same point. Felt pretty restless often. I mean, what he said was true and right, but I guess I was rather unteachable when he taught.

Justin Mote made the time go by faster, since he was more succint and also spoke at a much faster pace. Could better keep me awake. Grins. Of course, I also better appreciated his humour. Just that I found it a little hard to follow him at first, and what he was driving at. Guess bottom line was that I didnt' really see a close connection between what Justin Mote was talking about, and what Allan Chapple was saying.

Small Group
I had a guy called Edmund as my group leader. Man, he's really long winded! I'm sorry, but I absolutely cannot stand it when he decides to use three illustrations to demonstrate a point, and waxing eloquently at it. More people could have interracted on more topics if he could have been more succinct. Guess that affected the way I listened to what he had to say.

My group was pretty diverse, with people coming from as far as Russia! We all obviously had many different values and culture, and I think Edmund had problems trying to take in the entire group as a whole. Ah well. Basically my group wasn't very strong.

Bunking with Paul
Well, we indulged again in our talk about girls, and what we look for in a r/s. And I guess he and I share certain similarities in our search for our life partner. Like - looking for a best friend as a wife, wondering how ready we are to head into a new r/s with certain scars that we bear from our old one... wondering if we're really able to handle a new r/s without committing the mistakes from the old one. I think what really went ringing in my head was the fact that I'm going through another phase where I do feel my loneliness pretty acutely at night sometimes, but I don't think I'm mature enough to handle another r/s right now. Shit. Don't think there's any easy way out of this, except painfully waiting and growing, abiding in the Lord, and in the trust that He will provide for me in His time.

One of his friends committed suicide on the second day of the retreat, and he received word of it at night. Guess it shook him up a little. Maybe more than a little. I know I was really shaken to hear that Mary committed suicide just 2 years after we graduated from SAJC. While never really knowing her that well, death of our peers, at such a young age is always more than just a little jolting. It left me feeling very vulnerable, for some reason... and gave me a reminder that life is really so fragile, and easily snuffed out. I mean, there was absolutely no warning, just the news over a phonecall "Did you know she just jumped? Died immediately. Shocking."

Of course, we had fun times goofing around in the room also, and it was a good time to just chill out from the depression of my life, and the same of his life. I think Paul's really too dark sometimes. even in the midst of fun, there's always this cloud hanging over him, which seems to be embedded in his very personality. Guess that makes our goofing seem doubly superficial, since it doesn't seem to penetrate into him to help lighten up his thoughts.

ARPC Culture
I dunno... The most controversial sharing of course had to be reserved for Chris Chia. For all that I've come to appreciate about him and ARPC, there's something remotely disturbing about how cutting and scathing he can be sometimes with his tongue. I mean, its fine to poke gentle fun at someone or something else, but save for a severe breach of the Truth that warrants proper admonishment, he comes across as being a little too fliappant and insensitive towards the feelings and values of others. I mean, outside of the pulpit and amongst closer friends I admit I also take pretty flagrant jabs at people. But up there on the pulpit, and esp as a minister of the gospel, to so openly and in an almost disrespectful way by which he sometimes dismisses that which others hold dear - strikes me as being rather disappointing. And that was confirmed by how many people who were OUTSIDE of ARPC were not happy with what he said. I spoke to more than a handful of them, and they were all not very happy with what transpired that night.

Seems that only the people from ARPC were comfortable with what he said all night. I guess that was one aspect. Also, the fact that they all seemed so comfortable with the way their pastor was blatantly being rather insensitive sometimes, strikes me as being a rather dangerous ground to thread on... either in their blind devotion to him, which might not be a baaaad thing now, but ought to at least trigger a warning light - or else its that the uniformity of the church in how everyone holds to the same values so keenly and almost eerily has a similar way of behaviour... kindda makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

Don't get me wrong. The teaching is great. And I totally agree with the values that they espouse, of preaching the Word, of knowing Christ and making Christ known. Even by the message itself, I agree with almost everything Chris said that night. What gives me the creeps is how such a uniformity in due time usually becomes imposed, in that after a while you'll find that the diversity in the church ceases to exist, because there will be many who feels like a misfit amongst so many who shares a similar culture. Like it or not, culture is an inevitable element of the church, and its also a major factor in shaping the people who attends the church. Chris Chia himself acknowledges that to be true when he talked about how he sends everyone to the same college to prevent theological and cultural differences.

Another thing I've increasingly come to wonder about ARPC was the manner and form of worship, and their take on it. Almost every song they used was tailored to speak to and teach the congregation. Its a very horizontal type of worship. There's little to no vertical aspect to their worship, where the songs we sing are directed to God. In three days, the only song that was directed to God was KNOWING YOU. I mean, proper teaching is important. Its right that they pick their songs carefully, so as to be able to ensure that the songs do not contain doctrinal untruths. But when the session practically leaves no room for an emotional offering to God, as well as an outlet for an emotional response to God, then I find that to be a pretty big chunk lacking in the session. On top of which, they label all such sessions as the singing of songs.

I understand that they want to keep the terms right - worship rightly means the offering of our lives, and not just the 20 min song sessions. But to reduce it to 4 songs that teach the Word in the singing, it seems to be too drastic a reduction. And when the topic was very marginally breached in my small group, the pple from ARPC in the grp seemed absolutely unable to appreciate where the others were coming from, but all just stuck by their own values. I applaud such a firm conviction, but I wonder also how much "brainwashing" had to go, in order to drill such a uniform conviction in all of them. I mean, don't they feel emotionally oppressed at all during the "singing of songs"???????

I wonder what Bernice and Henry thinks and feels...

After Thoughts
Ah well. It wasn't all bad. I made a lot of new friends, and even dug up a couple of old ones. And I think speding time with fellow believers is always such a great time for me. I get very much distracted from the things around me very often. Being in such an environment helps me keep things in perspective, that there's another extreme that I ought to be gravitating towards. Grins.

I also learnt something from the interview session that I had with Edmund. Helped me put my plans to serve full-time into a better perspective, rather than that rather lofty and hazy idea I always had. Man, its really hard to serve God sometimes.

Of course, after all my negative thoughts about this and that part of the sermons "too simplistic", "he's talking nonsense la", "Really? I don't see that happening", amongst many, I used to wonder - if I were to be absolutely teachable, and do what I was told - I'd probably still be a better Christian than I am right now... then I guess I realise it's stilll about me, and not about what the preacher has to say or offer. Sigh...

Guess the most striking message I take back is again the reminder that to serve God is to be called to be long-suffering. And that I need to count the cost everytime I serve, to see that I do not labour in vain.