One Week On...

So its been yet another week since I last wrote in here. And for a guy who talks abt how his life just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so much seems to just slip by each week, that I thought abt penning down, but always never get down to it. And now that I am staring once again at this screen in front of me, my thoughts just seem to go absolutely nowhere at all.

Fell sick over the weekend, where we had a pretty good time at Weixiu's house, celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival a little early. I think we all had a really great time, and its always times like this that I thank God for, where people that's come in and out of my life sporadically always appear, and I look at guys whom I've hung out with for the past 12 years already. Its a very familiar feeling, knowing that these are the guys who hung ard, who have seen practically the worst of me, and all the masks that I've tried on. And I guess I could use a little more of that right now.

Spent the rest of the weekend feeling absolutely miserable. Down with a really bad bout of flu, fever and sore throat, all of which just made me feel like dying really isn't as scary a thought as a life perpetually composed of these three illnesses.

Back home on sunday night, my mom suddenly chose to break down and spent the next 3 hours past midnight to sob her heart out abt how she really cannot stand things anymore, and she wants a divorce. And I guess this really isn't news to me anymore, esp since its pretty obvious that my parents don't exactly have a lotta affection towards each other, to put it mildly. Best thing I've learnt from watching my parents in action was never how to show my affections, but how to hide my emotions. And I guess that was also why her breakdown that night came as twice a shock. Guess I alwso was pretty much caught unawares, and had absolutely no idea what to do except sit beside her for a while, and then stay up till she went to bed.

On Monday I met Genliang for lunch in sch, and we talked for an incredible 4 hrs. He was sharing with me how he himself felt a little uncomfortable with how the church seems to be on such bad terms with Andrew, and was hard pressed to not disparage Andrew, while trying to tell Genliang what's going on. But I guess he did point out what's important. Despite all the jadedness with which I carry myself most days, I recognize that a church that wants to preach love and unity cannot allow such an obvious situation sit around, while turning a blind eye to it. Cos honestly, no matter how much we all seem to find reasons that say Andrew is at fault, the fact is none of us really want to take the effort to either pray for him, or try to reconcile our differences.


Tuesday I met Chongzhi for a while, and he was sharing with me how he's picking himself up again after breakingup with girlfriend of 4 years. Hehz... yeah, I told him I've been down that road before, and know how it feels. Ah well. Met Paul fro a while where we watched Dodgeball. Pretty hilarious show. After that, we picked up Sophie's present, and I went fro cell group. Had a pretty good time there that night, dunno why. I actually really do enjoy the fellowship of the cell, and except for the really really non-existent bible study, this is a great cell to be in.

Of course, there's always something to spoil the evening, and this time was no exception. I just kept bumping into Grace all night long, be in when coming into church, going to the toilet, or when going back. Shit. I still dunno how to react when I bump into her. Am just waiting for her to leave the church with Andrew, so that these awkward moments will all disappear. Grins.

Wednesday came and passed. Watched Raising Helen with Gabriel and Weixiu. Was one of those sweet romantic comedies. It really was pretty dunny, I guess, and Kate Hudson always looks stunning. But sentiments aside, it was a pretty badly scripted show. I dunno if it was due to any censorship, cos otherwise the editing wasn't too fantastic as well. But ah well, what the heck.

Was thinking of the song 爱情电影, which expressed the sentiment of one who wistfully looks at romance movies, and desperately longs for love. The person thinks of the things he woudl have done differently from how the hero would have, and how much harder he would have tried. And I guess that's always something I find myself almost involuntarily musing abt everytime I watch a romance movie. I wouldn't have walked away here... I wouldn't have lost my temper there... I would have understood what she was trying to say...

爱情电影
是虚构的电影
却看到泪翻滚
如果爱不那麽深
结局是不是就不会伤人

在别人的剧本
演自己的缘份
如果爱要我牺牲
我不怕梦里沈沦或变笨

换成我，在爱情的角色里
再孤单，再多馀
我也不会忘记入戏

换我在曲折的世界里
再空虚，再别离
不到落幕不会离去

爱上你，天天天天思念你
忘忘忘忘自己
再不要谁和我对戏
爱若让人患上记忆
只因此生此景
有你
只因此情此时，爱你

Yet when look at real-life romances, I find 2 happy couples in my church out of maybe 200 that I know. And the other 198 couples that fail to make it happily ever... what becomes of them? I look at my own parents who failed to make it, and I start looking at my dad. He's the kind of man that parents would generally prescribe their daughters to marry, save for the fact that he ain't rich enough. Dependable, honest, helpful, kind, with basically a good heart, and who gives in to the wife most of the time. But as far as making any effort to connect with the family emotionally or even raqtionally, he's just about the most apathetic guy I've come across. No wonder my mom feels like she's been living alone for just about forever.

And I guess the question that keeps looming in my head is whether or not I'll ever come across as not being good enough for the girl. Self-esteem aside, given my perennial ability to underachieve and undersell myself, I don't think I have anything to offer a girl, that can keep her by my side. I guess there's a pretty fine line to draw between commitment and resignation. In both cases, she's gonna stick by your side. But to live the bulk of your life in resignation could just very well be the worst form of hell for both parties.

爱了就算

爱了就算

觉得孤单，心绪摇晃
分分又合合的情事难断
披着月光没人作伴
我的笑，我的泪不敢多讲

爱的路上，谁不受伤
越多的渴望就越觉沧桑
顶着阳光，一路去闯
眼角泪光你不去想

有些甜总是无人分享
有些苦你也要自己去尝
有些寂寞也仿佛是永远不可能忘
最爱的人常不在身旁
人生本来它就是这样
也总要学着爱了就算
爱过就放

爱了就算，没有负担
爱过就放别为难
就算受伤，又怎样
有过一次痴狂
一生难忘

爱的路上谁不受伤
越多的渴望就越觉沧桑
顶着阳光，一路去闯
眼角泪光
我不去想
你不去想

READ THIS B4 YOU DATE AGAIN PENG!!!

I've really enjoyed the last 2 days, going down to GCTC for this 2 nights talk by L.T. Jeyachandran, the excutive director of RZIM Singapore. I guess every now and then when my faith seems a little more hollow, I will need to be reminded again of what it is all about. Its been a really strange couple of days. Weixiu has gone to KL, Weimin and Enhan have been pretty pre-occupied with their r/s problems, Paul has also been swamped with work and r/s, and so all of a sudden the immediate circle of close friends I've had around me are not around. And ironically, having spent the last 3 days reminding both Weimin and Enhan that I never realised how much I lost until I no longer had someone I could call my own, whom I can claim a certain degree of exclusivity over and from, the truth just hits me all the harder at a time like this.

Yet out of such a situation, I've just spent today alone catching up Joel, Aaron, Angelina and Andrew Wang. Not to mention make a new friend in the talks (a third yr dentistry student called Ian), and also time with Sylvia yesterday, and hearing her talk abt her r/s with Johann, and how she's feeling a little uncomfortable with it right now.

I guess after whining abt how lonely I suddenly felt, God read my blog and decided to throw me an avalanche. Hehz... It really was nice catching up with Joel, and even Angelina, whom I still haven't really figured out. Andrew Wang is still just a little hard to fathom, it seems like he lives in a world of his own. Still, I genuinely like the guy, and I like to think he doesn't bear me any false friendship either.

And oh yeah, on top of the number of pple I spoke to in just this day, throw in the fact that I spent more than 2 hrs talking to Enhan as well. He was mostly talking abt his r/s with Weimin, so I took some time to hear him out. I guess at the end of the day, I see so much abt the 2 of them that reminds me of the mistakes me and Grace made. The resentment of one person asking for more time and the other not willing to give any more, getting caught up in a lot of secondary issues that ends up making both sides forget why they were together in the first place, or even the lack of any spiritual element in the r/s altogether.

Yet one thing that I cannot fathom is that Enhan so absolutely doesn't get Weimin at all, it absolutely blows my mind away. I think even Ben or Michael atually understands her better than her boyfriend does. Yet against the situation, she has stuck by him for the past 3 years and more. I guess I can appreciate the fact that there will be things abt the r/s that she doesn't want to let go of, or even doesn't dare to let go of. I can understand the fear of facing the hurt that would come with letting go of a lengthy r/s. All that I can appreciate, and empathize. But for my life, I cannot understand how the existence of such a r/s can be termed one of a strong commitment. One of the things I warned Weimin against very strongly was not letting contempt seep into the r/s. Mebbe not as strong a word as contempt, but the air of dismissal that comes with the total absence of expectations simply because she doesn't believe in him for anything more. Cos that was one of the most fatal blows that came into my r/s.

Syl labels it as a commitment, and Weimin herself also likes to think of it as her way of being committed. Of course, I won't comment on that to her, esp not at a time like this. But I can't help shuddering on the inside, that I could one day end up with a woman who totally has nothing that keeps me by her side save for that stubborn act of not letting go that she labels a commitment. And that's a really scary thought. Even more scary when I realised that Paul also just wrote abt how he didn't want to end up in a life without passion, like his parents. And I think a r/s held together by mere stubborn willpower ends up a lifeless thing.

Yet when I sit down and ask myself where I would draw the line between a commitment, and the discernment that its time to let go, I don't have a clue. I guess that's gonna be something I want to work out before I get into a new r/s.

Just dropping in

Had this really really wierd dream last night, where I was roped into a theatre production. Nothing too wierd there, since it was always one of my childhood ambitions - next to being Superman and Bill Gates.

But this time round, lemme list the pple who were inside - my primary sch vice-principal, my sec sch discipline master, this really really annoying classmate in sec sch, Huifen (Mervin's gf), Weimin, Xiying... and I forgot the rest.

And I remember abt halfway through the play, everyone in the audience just seemed to disappear, and I went from being a performer to being part of the audience.

Anyway, just had to put this down because this is about as stupid a dream as I ever hope to have.

Life's Little Ironies

Attended the wake at Crystal's house for her mom. Its always just a little awkward at funerals cos you dunno how the person is grieving, and how the conversation shd go. I guess it can be more sombre if he or she is obviously very affected by it, but funerals are inevitably a time of reunions, and reunions are always characterized by a lot of joy at meeting up with some whose friendship we used to enjoy and cherish, but have lost touch with over the years. So when we break out in jokes and smiles, it always leaves me feeling slightly apprehensive as to whether or not we're being insensitive.

If that wasn't morose enough, Weimin and Ham have spent the last few days fighting pretty badly and nearly broke up again tonight. Both ended up coming to me, and I really didn't know what to say man. Was talking to Weixiu abt it, and she personally doesn't see her sister going anywhere with him. But sometimes she's overly pragmatic abt issues la. As much as I agree with what she said, I guess having been in a r/s myself, I can understand how inexplicably one sometimes chooses to love in spite of everything seemingly stacked against it.

Bumped into Grace today at the church staircase while I was in conversation with someone else. And I realised that what I felt was not the wistful feeling of half wondering abt what could have been, nor the strong anger I bore towards her... but there still lingers that feeling of disappointment in her, and in how it turned out. Just dunno what to make of it. So far from what Paul has been saying to me, Joz has indeed grown a lot over the past few years, and I do wonder if Grace would be a much more different person in 3 years' time. And if it were possible for us to ever get back together again. But I guess the biggest difference is that Paul has never really stopped loving Joz, but I've gotten over Grace already. Shit. So if nothing works out, I don't even have the option of getting back with my ex. Beginning to feel really screwed now. Hehz...

Been spending the last 2 weeks feeling really lonely on some days. And its not so much that I'm spending less time with Paul now. I used to feel that way a few months back also. Its almost like a cycle that has come back again. And so I look at Weimin and Ham, and I so do not want to see their r/s end. One of those moronic little sentiments that wants to tell them to cherish what they have, having had the bitter taste of realising how much I lost only after no longer having someone to call my own.

Yet everytime I come before God nowadays, I feel that the more acure my sense of loneliness, the more He wants me to stay this way. The very sure feeling I've not had in quite a while, that I'll need to wait out at least the next 2 to 3 years. And that's a really depressing thought. But its the feeling I've not had since the notion that I shd choose SAJC, which turned out to really be a right choice. I actually dare to say I recognize such a feeling, and I geuss I'm not to0 happy with it.

But ah well. I don't really see any immediate possibilities right now. Everyone keeps saying Weixiu, but something just tells me that either she's not the one, or at least not yet. So I carry on in my daily life with a certain degree of wistfulness and a keen awareness of how much I'll have to not rush into a new r/s, but learn to bide my time... and truly learn what it means to cherish my next r/s. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. And so I longfor the day when I can rejoice, when That which was lost has been found again.

Almost...

Yeah, its 4 in the morning, and I'm still awake. Hehz... what's new?

I think if I were to ever use one word to describe my life so far, it would surely have to be the word "almost". The point being that my whole life seems to have been characterized by the things that I've failed to accomplish and achieve. Be it a spiritual life that has suffered an unending series of false starts, to a course in NUS that doesn't appear successful by any stretch of imagination, or a relationship where I almost could have worked harder at making it last.

Continuing along that train of thought would be a period of ministry in Campus Crusade that ended more acrimonious than when it had begun, a piano course that stopped short of finishing my Grace 8, a series of ministries in church where I knew I should have ended much better than I did.

To be honest, I think I'm really hard pressed to name any accomplishment if mine that I can be rightly proud to claim as my own, for which I can be duly credited for.

So as I reflect upon the state of affairs in my life, I'm trying hard to think of how I can look upon it so as to not veer into another strain of self-abasement or self-pity. And I find myself living in a really peculiar state of grace. Peculiar simply because I think I've already had more than enough chances to set things straight in my life, which I have steadfastly spurned. And yet in the face of such ingratitude and stupidity, I am still offered chance after chance at redemption.

I guess if I carry on in such a manner, my tombstone would be the saddest of all epitaphs - chronicling the tragic life of a man doomed to a state of perpetual inconsequence despite having been dealt with a more than decent lot in life, simply out of an obstinance that refused to move out of his apathy and lethargy.

Ah well. These 4 yrs have been years that I lost, and which I find myself very lost in. And as I continue to labour on in search of my redemption, and I continue to contemplate its discovery in church ministry, relationships, personal time, quiet time, or even in my family, I think at the end of the day its all going to boil down to the fact that I'm still waiting to grow up. Either something was left out of my education, or I wasn't looking when they were teaching the lesson - but I'm still wondering how do I grow up. Of course, physically I will have a lot to tone down, hehz... But how the hell does one grow up? By experiencing life? By putting one through grief and discipline? By willing it?

Hehz... whatever it is, I think I have a lot of that to catch up on man. In the meantime, in my state of seemingly perpetual inconsequence, I shall go back to my inconsequential musings.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Just that I have to point out what a great friend Paul has turned out to be. I mean, busy as he is, he keeps trying to find time for me, pushing aside meetings, calling me when he's free, and generally still trying to look out for me. This despite my non-efforts at maintaining the friendship, which he has rightly chastised me for in recent weeks. Grins. What a terrible friend I've turned out to be. So amongst my inconsequential musings, I shall need to take time out for some self-reflection on my ingratitude.

Only... would such reflections taking place during inconsequential musings be equally inconsequential?

Whatever.

=)

Mixed Start To The Week

Bloody Man Utd dropped 4 points over the weekend, drawing away to Blackburn and drawing at home to Everton. Boy, do they need Rooney. Man Utd's absolutely looked like bollocks in terms of creativity. A lotta physical presence, with very little to show for their work rate.

Still, at least I think I started off this week well. Had a good time studying today, got quite a bit down. Even had time to do lunch with my dad and sis, then to make a new pair opf specs. Sat down to study with Weimin, Enhan and Sylvia in the evening, and even spent some time talking to Syl after that. I think she's moving on pretty well, at least right now. She tends to be a little emotionally impulsive, prone to sudden outbursts of emotions, with no one knowing what exactly triggers it. Hehz... Still, I haven't really seen her in a while, so it was a pretty good time of catching up.

She's now at the stage where she tells herself she just wants to find a nice christian guy who loves God, whom she can commit to. Hahaha... told her I was at that stage abt half a yr ago, when I was feeling really lonely for no reason, desperately wishing I had someone whom I could commit to, and love. Nowadays, I suddenly have an outbreak of pple trying to matchmake me. Just 2 dys ago, both Paul and Caleb tried to set me up with their friends. Sigh. And somehow, half a yr ago, a part of me would have privately wanted to go even though I would have vehemently denounced the idea... yet these days I find myself really not interested in doing something like that. Shit man. I'm either really turning gay, or else I'm growing up just a little. Problem is, I dun feel like I'm growing up at all. Hahaha...

Was talking to Syl abt church as well, and how I really find it hard to accept what Andrew did to Patrick. I mean, he did it once with Henry, and now he's doing it with Patrick. Seems that he's really carrying things to too much of an extreme. For someone like Patrick who has stuck by Andrew through thick and thin, it really represents an absolute low in the way Andrew can be so heartless and callous. Sigh. What the hell is happening to him, I wonder. At least I know this would finally represent the very steep learning curve that would probably do Patrick a lotta good. Who knows, mebbe Andrew deliberately did this in order to help Patrick grow?

Right. And Osama eats pork everyday.

Was talking to Ruth the other day. Seems she has also joined the group that seems to think that if you're really depressed, taking drugs is wrong... so you just have to take out a pen knife and cut yourself a little. How do I tell her that if the trend was not to cut herself but to walk on burning coals, then she'll suddenly find that cutting herself won't help anymore? I think kids nowadays are a lot more messed up than my time man. Back then it was so simple. If you're depressed, you either turned to glue-sniffing (Coke was too expensive for us kids), or else you get into fights, or else you just go jump off a building.

Hehz... Ah... the good 'ol days.

Now that Paul has stopped denying that he's back with Joz, I'm counting the days till he has time for me, only to hear him give a blistering report of how Joz has been mean to him again. Hehz... Wait for it man. Its bound to come. Grins. He'll read this blog, try damned hard to not prove me right, but eventually he'll come up to me one day and do exactly what Joz has always done: "I'll never talk to her again la. Bloody stupid woman!" Then the next day he'll call her up to apologize because its all his fault. Muahahahaha...

Gonna be a really packed day tmr man. Have a whole day of lessons followed by tuition at 5 at Thomson Plaza. Ah well. At least I'm skipping cell group. Grins.

Sheesh. I'm supposed to be doing nothing except study man. Not that it'll ever happen la. I think there's a greater chance that the Muslims will start revering Pigs as sacred animals.

Ha.

What Kind Of Day Has It Been?

Fans of The West Wing will recognize that I've titled today's entry with the the last episode of their first season, which ends in utter chaos with Bartlett having been shot. And to be honest, the only reason why I labelled it thus is only because I felt that today ended in a bit of a chaos today also.

Started by being woken up by Weimin who told me she hurt her ankle when Weixiu accidentally knocked her down with the car in SMU. Talk abt being jolted awake. And I guess after that I couldn't really get back to sleep, so I work up all grouchy cos I only went to bed abt 4 hours ago. Didnt' really have an all too productive day, getting all the more frustrated with myself as it went by because I really knew I wa wasting a lotta time. Had to re-format my blasted computer, and spent all day re-installing the softwares. Then my anti-virus decided to disagree with my Windows Office, so I had to un-install then re-install it all over again. Bloody shit.

Been feeling really kindda silly lately, dunno why also. Mebbe its the frustration, mebbe its something else, but I suddenly realised I missed crying. Hehz... Was watching this really tacky Channel U program, with a really bad script and plot, but I found myself wanting to be moved by it so that I could have a good cry. Walked away from the TV feeling really bewildered, and with just a little less esteem for myself. Hehz...

Then came something that really took the cake. Seems that Sophie went on one of her mood swings, and decided to send Paul a string od sms-es, declaring her undying devotion to him, and how she plans to marry Andre in order to get over it. Mm... would just like to also point out for the benefit of Paul who reads this, that in many ways, Sophie also is just as much a nutcase as Andre, so even if we like to think better of those we care for, mebbe they really do see things in each other that we don't see.

But so there we are, Paul wanting to save the world all over again, thinking abt how he can actually save their friendship AND Sophie from 3 yrs' of hell in a marriage she'd hate. (Yes, three yrs only cos by then she'd either have killed him or herself.) And I guess the bigger irony of it all lies in the fact that Paul had only just gotten back together with Joz. Grins. ANd he had the cheek to say that he thinks I would like to be in his shoes. Muahahahahaha... I ain't the manic-suicidal one, buddy.

Nevertheless, one thing I do concur is that in all honesty and with all possible consideration, not in a million years do I suppose that Sophie genuinely is in any way in love with Andre. And so there is my ultimate nightmare played into life by one of my closer friends. How in the world can a girl ever do something as drastic as marrying a guy whom she does not love? I remember watching Spiderman 2 and walking away with that big question looming in my head. The big question of why Mary-Jane would choose to marry someone else even though she knows in her heart who she's really meant to be with. (Tho in this current situation, the guy she has in her heart is currently both not interested in her, nor available. Hehz...) And tho I could shrug off that as nothing more than drama played out to its max in order for effect, here I hear abt some dumbass plan of Sophie's to but a flat and settle down with Andre.

Hahaha... and so even tho I seriously doubt anything will come out of these plans of hers, it still leaves me with another sickening sense of confirmation that love is so extremely hard to find, simply because so often we settle for so much less than what we should. I guess we all need to learn to distinguish between those we choose to love and spend the rest of our life with, and those whom we love while recognizing that forcing things isn't an act of love.

And of course, just to re-state my 2 big worries - that the girl I'm meant to be with is stuck with another guy, and the gilr I one day end up with might just be stuck to me.

Sigh.

What a day it turned out to be huh?

Out At Sea

Read in my lit text today abhout how "when disenchantment becomes so pervasive that it undermines all convictions, it saps the moral energy on which we function". The writer goes on to describe a man who was "so focused on the ultmate emptiness of existence, so mistrustful of his own feelings, that he finds himself unable to sustain any personal or public commitment."

And a tingle went down my spine as I read that. A tingle because I happen to like what he said, and concur with the idea... but today I met up with Andrew Wang who seemed to embody the antithesis of that.

Met him for lunch, where he was telling me about the conflict Eric and Mel is having with Robin. Then he opened up to how he himself is choosing to run from the church, disenchanted with the segregation that he experiences, and that he identifie with the church. Yet he turns to his passion in Nature Conservation as an outlet, devoting much time and his ideals into that alternative. Despite the apparent pessimism that seeps through his exterior, he's managed to find a means of channeling his ideals into an alternative instead of embracing disilusionment.

And only yesterday morning, Susan Ang was commenting abt the 2 most common images used in literature across the centuries - the sea and the dessert. And she talks abt how the sea originates as an image of uncertainty, where man is unable to stand still and anchor himself in a single spot. Where he has absolutely no control whatsoever over his own fate. Yet by the age of the romantics, they've turned the paradigm around, embracing the sea as an adventure, a quest to discover new and uncharted territories.

And I guess at 3 in the morning, if I were to undertake a crass reduction of the two ideas, I'd say it boiled down to the idea of looking at the half-full or half-empty cup. Amazing how it can boil down to a cliche that I learnt in Pri 1.

Was sharing with Andrew that sometimes I really feel I'm losing control. That I don't even dare to sleep, since in those moments between lying down and being alseep, I have to be alone by myself. And I don't think I dare to face up to a lot of things in myself. When I take retreats, I think abt myself in relation to pple/things/events/plans. On a bus or when I'm walking ard in a park alone, I never do dare to think of nothing else except take stock of myself. Who I am, what kind of man I've become, what's going on with and in me.

Think he was absolutely right. My concern for people seems to be more a reaction to my own subconcious awareness that its time take a good hard look at myself. What some pple mistake as compassion on my part turns out to be no more than a deception and escape aimed at running away from myself.

Guess its time I do that soon.

Face up to myself.

Real Soon.

My Case

Just finished reading the book "The Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel. It makes for a fascinating read for me. Not so much how true he puts out the case that it really takes more faith to disbelieve that Jesus is who He claims to be than to confess that he really is Lord and God come to die for us. But its really fascinating to see the dialogue that's exchanged between the believers and non-believers, and how sometimes when you're firmly fixated with a certain mindset, its impossible to see the other side of the coin.

And maybe that's the problem with me sometimes. Just sat down today for supper with Paul. He's got a major hearing coming up tmr, and I can tell that he's pretty worried. Guess he's really unsure what exactly he wishes to do with his future now. And with Joz and him still dancing that same annoying tune of "Pick-Me-Up-Then-Drop-Me-Again-Then-Pick-Me-Up-Again-Then-Drop-Me-Again", its pretty easy to see that he really is at a loss now when confronted with a future that was once steeped in opportunities and possibilities yet now fraught with uncertainties and closed doors.

We were doing some calculations and realized that I've been single for almost 2 yrs oredi. Man! Time certainly flies. Hahahaha... and I've already been a wuss for so long. With Xiying now attached to Shirong, and Paul probably getting back with Joz, I think its time I start making more friends and set the stage for me to get myself a girlfriend. Muahahaha.

Time I stop letting Grace and Andrew continue ruining my life. No point wondering if getting attached is gonna hurt her, Peng. After all, if she wants to run away from you, then just leave her alone. Move on, and finally get yourself a girl who truly loves you. Grins.

*damn*

Ah well. Who am I kidding. Who the hell would want to date me now anyway? Even Paul's gotta resort to going back to his ex. (Hehz...) No, Nut. You lost out again. Grins. Time to go running, lose weight, start getting my life back in order... ah... then the fish will start biting. and since I tell myself I'll only date someone I've known well for over 2 yrs, I better start expanding my circle of female friends to more than the current ones that I have... and move on to the more eligible ones. Muahahahaha...

But getting back to "The Case For Christ", reading it in tandem with some things happening ard me... really set me thinking. Been telling CK that we really need to brush up on the quality of BS in our cell. I can actually sound really profound when sharing while sms-ing. That's how bad our level of knowledge in the Bible has sunk. No doubt that knowledge of the Bible ain't the standard by which we judge true spirituality... but surely one needs to know who and what we believe, so that the God we profess is more than just a general lofty idea of a higher being. Secondly, Ruth's been asking again and again why she can't love God. And I guess its a question I always struggle with. But hahaha... on the one hand, she seems more bothered by the fact that she doesn't love God than me... which I guess might indicate that she actually loves God more than me. Grins.

She gave me her blog to read. And what struck me was how everyone seems to think they're the only one who is so depraved and unlovable. Guess one day when she grows up and has people opening up to her, she'll see that almost everyone feels the same way - that if we were to ever open ourselves up for everyone to see who we truly are inside, no one would want to have anything to do with us. Bloody hell, even I also have such thoughts everyday. That accounts for the many masks that I wear so well in most settings and places that no one knows what I feel inside, or who I truly am inside.

Reading the book has at least drawn me to one conclusion -

Someone once said,
"If He be God and died for me,
No earthly price too great can be
For me a mortal man to make
I'll do it all for Jesus' sake"

And that was my little stirring of the heart after reading the book. For me there never was any thunder and lightning when I received Christ. Yet again and again when I'm remind of what He did for me on the cross, and at Calvary... I'm reminded that everytime I do something to let Him down, those nails he bore were because of that. And such an awe of that kind of love compels in me a response that can only be worship.

Gotta give Ham BS early tmr. Weimin's timetable just got badly screwed up, and sometimes I get a little worried foi them. Ham's not exactly Mr Sensitive, and Weimin tends to be all gloom and doom. Trying very hard to tell myself not to kaypoh. Its their relationship, not mine.

Grins.

Time to go find my own.

On my own...

Happy Birthday Singapore

Well, yesterday was National Day. Wonder if its just me, or is it really that this year, things were a lot more low-key. I mean, they had their fair share of fanfare I suppose. Only on sunday, I was with my cell group at the Esplanade, where we all squeezed like a moronic bunch of sardines for 2 hrs, just to catch a 5 min glimpse of the fireworks which occur every sunday for 4 weeks in a row. Yet the parade itself seemed to lack any real significance, esp in light of the fact that this is Goh Chok Tong's last ever National Day as PM. Ah well. Mebbe its only cos I stayed home all day. But I do belong to the grp that is gonna miss Goh Chok Tong. Think he was really quite something. Guess he ain't no LKY, but he held his own, and did pretty ok.

Been re-reading Kundera's Immortality, only cos I wanted to finish the book, but had already more or less forgotten everything that was in it. Ah well. Am enjoying my second read tho. Picking up lotsa stuff that I either didn't know, or forgot that I picked up. Been having this really bad stomach that trouble me no ends since sunday itself, when I had to lead worship last-minute cos John pulled out for health reasons. Sigh. I was utterly unintelligible on stage, absolutly focused more on where my stomach was going than on what God was saying. Hehz...

Paul's coming out tmr, (and yes Nut, he's in Queenstown Remand.) but I'll have to be trying to0 pull of a stunt, bidding for my modules while being there to receive him. Ah well. Guess I could always rely on someone to help me bid, and call me if anything screws up. =)

Quit from Joseph's office already, but I guess I owe him at least a completed write-up on his website. Will need to get working on that ASAP.

I keep having a lot to say when I'm outside, thoughts that I wanted to pen down. But whenever I stare at this god-forsaken screen, I can't seem to recall anything. Aaaarrgghh. THink I'm going mad. Really mad.

Think I actually miss Paul. A few times I picked up my phone to msg him before I stopped myself. Hahaha... I need to get a real girl man. Now if only there were any in my own social context. Bloody cell grp kepy making overtures abt Annie to me and her all through sunday. Bloody embarrassing for me and her la. Well... at least, for me...

And no, NUT... keep climbing Paul's ladder... stay off my turf. I have my own 15 yr old to deal with. Muahahahaha... Ruth's absolutely hilarious man. I think one day I shd arrange for me and Paul to let you two meet.

*Waits for Paul to digest last statement*

Grins. Welcome home, buddy.

Restricted Privileges

Just got word today that I can't visit Paul in prison, since they only allow visitors once a fortnight. And Paul's parents are gonna see him today at 1330, but I gotta be stuck in the office. Sigh. Too bad, buddy. Guess I'm gonna have to see you only on your release. Don't cry too much abt your hair ya? At least you'll appreciate the next time you visit QB House, no matter how the cut turns out.

Am thinking of deleting Grace off my icq. Just a thought. I'm no longer hoping that she'll say hi when we're both online, nor even the silly notion of being at least able to "see" her online, so that at least at that point in time I know where she is. So mebbe before I start being silly again, I shd take it away while I still feel this way. Hehz... "Operation Spotless Mind".

Grins. Muahahaahahaha.. otherwise known as "Operation Brainless"...

Was asking myself how can I be praying for Paul? Pray that he doesn't get molested? Hahaha...

Pray for peace? I think I need to pray that for his parents more than himself.

Pray that he learns his lesson? Please...

Pray that he will spend his time meaningfully there? Erm...

Pray that he'll meet his dream girl inside? Muahahahahaha...

Ah well. Guess I'll just tell God I dunno what to pray for him, but ask that He somehow just watch over him so that he doesn't suddenly keel over and die while inside. Hehz... And while he's at it, that mebbe somehow... somehow he'll be able to experience God's presence, no matter big or small, in the absence of familiar friends and surroundings.

Ah well.Lotsa time in the office to pray, but if that's all I can pray for Paul, its gonna be a really short affair. Grins. Too bad, buddy. At least I prayed. =)

Where's my special someone I can obsess over??? So that the hours will pass away faster in the office??? Right now I'm really just dying... just dying... Its so cool... to have someone whom I'm so crazy over I'll stay up till 4 in the morning helping her with her work, send her ard Singapore, buy her an OSIM eye pillow shen she can't sleep... *wink*

Hahahaha... Its so cool to have sucker friends!!! =)

Gotta run. Work's catching up on me.

So It Has Happened

And so it has finally come to pass. Paul was today sentenced to one week in remand, and a 5 yr ban from driving. I guess you could look at it and say he got off light, since the benchmark for such an offence is about 2 months in jail. Yet nevertheless going into jail itself puts it in a totally different category, in that perculiar way it really deosn't matter whether its one week or one year.

His parents are obviously pretty distraught, and Jocelyn looked really bad. (No, not making my usual comments abt her looks. *grins*) Guess we were all hoping against hope that he'll find a reprieve and get away with a fine and ban. Now I'll have no one to whine and bitch abt my lonely long weekend to, simply cos my buddy has left me and is hanging ard with all his new boyfriends. Hehz...

Taking stock of my own life, I inevitably use Paul's as a yardstick to measure mine. Would I have traded lives with him , or traded any positions with his? Would I have preferred a degree that comes with a jail record, or no degree and yet with a spotless civil record? I guess I have no answers for that. Mebbe that in itself is the answer. There really is no difference. What's left is the kind of person I've become, and the kind of person that he's become, that's made all the difference.

Having come into closer contact with Joz in recent days, its so apparent that those two can't get each other out of their minds, and don't want to. So Joz keeps going to find Paul whenever she's down, and Paul inevitably responds whenever he gets such a call. One keeps going back to the other because he's still the one whom she trusts will really care for her, while the other keeps going back to her for fear that if he doesn't, she'll lose that trust in him and he in turn will lose her.

Sounds a bit like Days Of Our Lives if you ask me. Muahahahahaha... but I guess sometimes that's how the heart is, like a compass that inevitably keeps pointing in the same direction no matter where you turn. Funny thing is that I've yet to find that girl.

Thatday Paul and I were just talking abt relationships, and he pointed out to this thing he saw on Mobile TV, where someone had categorized your partner into 3 basic categories - The one you long to love, the one you end up loving, and the one you were meant to love. And yeah, that sorta made a lotta sense to me. So he concluded that Joz was more someone he longed to love, which made her so hard to get out of his life. And I concluded that Grace was more likely the one I ended up loving, so off the mark of my conceptualised partner was she. Mebbe that's why its so much easier for me to move on than it was for him.

Ah well... but guess we still are waiting and wondering if there will one day be that person we were meant to love who will show up. At least I am. And no, Nut, it prob ain't gonna be you. Grins. So don't get your hopes up.

Am still stuck in two minds abt staying on in NUS. Guess it would have been good to be able to run away from everything in Singapore, and take time out for myself to start afresh overseas, but staying in Singapore to finish up my degree makes so much more sense. Just need to give it my best shot and pray real hard I guess...

Sigh.

There's never anyone ard in the office. Bloody bored.

The Day After...

I had a lotta fun today.

Me, Enoch and Zhaoxiang met up with some of Julia's friends from the States, who went on the Cambodia mission trip with her. They were stopping by in Singapore for half a day, so we brought them ard. There was Greg and Teresa, the 2 staff members... then Dan and Jeff, Wendy and Diana.

Diana! Man, she was really cute. Not the hot babe kindda cute, but the really nice girl with a sweet smiel kinda cute. Grins. Not that I was salivating over her, but yeah, had a good time talking to her today. But ah wel. Think she's too young, or else she must be attached. Yes, I didn't even ask. I did make it a point to spent time talking to EVERYONE in that team.

Grins.

So its obvious that I took half day off from office. No one was in anyway, and no one will be in till thursday, when David is back from reservist. Never even seen him before, actually... hehz...

I've been considering my options to go into NTU instead of overseas, since I'm dropping the idea of doing psychology. And today the vice-dean suddenly called me to say he wants to talk to me abt my decision to withdraw from NUS. Add to that the fact that one of my church members turned out to be the vice-dean of some department in FASS also, and she now wants to talk to me to see if she could help me out.

I'm relly wondering why God has suddenly opened these doors for me, when all this while it seemed like it was impossible for me do anything but leave for Australia...

Sigh... watch this space man.

And yeah, 22nd Nov Nut. Paul will DEFINITELY be doing something for you.

Like... ignoring it.

Muahahahahahaha...

Happy Birthday, Prodo

Actually, I didn't really wanna blog tonight, but since its one of them significant dates, I thought it is only right that I set it down proper, so that it can be looked back upon and remembered fondly.

Pulled off a little bit of a surprise for him, when Weibin, Aaron, Sophie and Jocelyn showed up at the dinner place, instead of just the two of us that I kept on trying to drill into him. Granted, there were a few hiccups along the way when Joz and him had another lovers' tiff (Tiff!!!! Just a tiff!!! Gee, whatever was I thinking? Tsk tsk...) and she wanted to pull out of the dinner... then she accidentally gave away the fact that we were gonna give him blades for his birthday. And the champion thing was that we bumped into Aaron on the way to the restaurant, cos Paul was so bloody late that Aaron had waited for anhr and absolutely needed the toilet. Still, we mumbled some stuff and then set off for the restaurant and reached there where Paul was a little surprised at the grp that turned out la.

well, I like to think he actually did enjoy himself after all, so there you have it - Memories of today, forever etched in... err... some hard disk somewhere. Grins.

Happy birthday, buddy.

The Woman In Black

Yeah, went to catch that show today with Enhan and Weimin. Turned out to be pretty good actually... not as scary as they hyped it up to be, but on the whole I thought the two guys did a masterful job.

Started work already in Joseph's office. Been kindda lonely since the whole place is empty. Everyone's out at NIE, and Joseph himself is hardly in. Ah well. At least it means I get flexible working hours. Grins.

Been feeling a little temperamental lately. Dunno why. I get a lot of mood swings, and they shift pretty fast. Literally I can be feeling pretty good one minute, and feeling down after that. I honestly have no idea what's come over me. Last night Joseph asked what happened between me, Andrew and Grace. So I told him. And I found myself in a really strange state of mind, where I still feel my fasce flush when I talk abt them to someone else, yet at the same time I don't think I'm angry, or want to be angry at them. Well, perhaps its cos with Joseph also knwoing what a bastard Andrew is sometimes, I feel less upset, knowing that at least he won't be standing up for either oen of them. Hehz... the funny thing is how he also disses Grace, like just abt everyone else. Guess the hate-Grace-club has a greater fan base than I suspected. Sigh. But ah well. She was, after all, my ex. Guess I shd try to be civil to her.

I think I really need to get a grip on what I plan to do with my life. Mebbe that's why the depression. The sense that if I don't start, I'll never accomplish anything much. Then I'll never be in the psition to get attached, and I'll never get married.

Sheeesh.

Its paranoia night here in Peng's World.

The Greatest Of These Is Love

Just returned from the Project Timothy Bible Conference, where David Jackman was the invited speaker. I guess I was really struck by his exposition of1 Cor 13. I've seen how people were convicted by songs that were sung during worship, but this is the ifrst time I've experienced a whole group of 250 christians in a room struck to the wuick by a sermon. when David Jackman hit to the very core of the message abt 1 Cor13, it was all I could do to keep the tears from coming down my face, and it was pretty obvious I wasn't the only one.

This has always been one of the central passages to my own faith values, yet I've never once heard it like he preached it. And it was that night when I truly understood how a grasp of the Word can convict like nothing else can.

The whole conference has been awesome. I guess I really appreciate David Jackman so much more than Allan Chapple. Difference of style, I guess. Hehz... But nevertheless, it has been a great time of retreat for me, to think abt the things that I've been struggling with in my heart. I remember how I always counted it against Andrew for his viciousness in dealing with lots of people, including me. I always held on to the thought that no matter how strong an authority on the word he appears to be, if his actions reveal a striking lack of gentleness and kindness towards those around him, then it still counts for absolutely nothing. After all, isn't that why Apostle Paul says "Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."?

Then it struck me that the same chapter is the one with the verse that I've read a hundred times and totally glossed over - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " And all this while I've acted against the same principles in the chapter that I've always held against Andrew.

In 1 Cor 3:1-3, Paul says "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly--mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? "

I dunno... at the conference it all came to light for me. Everytime I hold something against someone in my church, being unwilling to always hope and persevere in my trust towards that person, I'm guilty of being just as much a spiritual infant as that person. I went back to my room after the exposition, feeling very drained and tired. Took time out to speak with God. I recognize that I perhaps still need time to move on, but at least now I have a clearer idea of what is expected of me. Am writing it down here to remind me.

Other than that, it was a really stupid day. Went to Zhang Mu Shi's house today for BS. With all seriousness, he pulled me aside and said he's got something to ask me. Then he asked me if I would consider Weixiu!!! My own 50 yr-old pastor!!! To cap it all off, when I complained to my mom, all she had to say was "Mm... well, she sure is a lot better than Grace."

Thank God we don't live in the age of supernatural revelations anymore. If that turns out to be a true prophetic utterance, whoever reads this can go fish me out of the Singapore River.

Lotsa things have happened in the past few days. paul called to tell me his 3rd reps have been denied, I took my Advanced Driving Teory Test, had a pretty intensive session at cell on tuesday, Watched King Arthur with Paul (Stop whining, nut!!), had supper with a whole grp of my fellowship guys...

Yet in the midst of all this activity, I guess I really felt so lonely. So intense lonely. Silly huh?

Yeah, guess I am. Bloody Paul asked me what I'd do if I realised after all this while, or even more, that I still loved Grace. I'll bet anything he's now wondering if its meant to be Joz after all, no matter how he denies it. Grins. And mebbe I'm denying it too, but nowadays whenever I think of Grace, all I can think of is how she doesn't see what she's doing. Lotta pple have been telling me lately that Grace thinks I'm the one who let her down. Grins. Ah well. That figures. Probably what Andrew has been telling her. Muahahaha... But yeah, at least very much so now, I don't feel inclined to think that she's the one.

Been having this recurring dream of seeing myself dating someone... but I'm never able to see her face. I'm seeing myself through a third person perspective, and I see myself holding her hand... bringing her out... but I just can't see her face, or know who the heck she is!!!! But - I damned well know for sure it ain't Grace. There was this sense that I know her very well. That I'm very comfortable with her. But I just can't bloody make out who she is.

Sigh... how sad is that?

Got pretty drunk last night and had this stupid hangover the whole of today, couldn't think properly... and I had to go sit for my theory test. Sigh... help.

Aiyar, sick of whining abt the pathetic state of my love life liaos lah!!! I'm not hard up for a girl I guess. Mebbe I just like to whine abt how much I deserve the sympathies of pple ard me. I was right! Grace was wrong! She's the one who refused to sit down and talk to me!!! Dammit!!! Why is it that no nice girls are coming up to me? And all the girls I'm close to are basically not within consideration???

Bah.

Grins.

Think I'm still drunk.

Paul was harrassed by an MLM girl yesterday. Muahahahahaha.... Whoo hoo! MLM rocks!!! If we all did churches like MLM, mebbe it'll be a lot more successful. See how brainwashed they are???

*passes out*

One Of Those Nights...

Ok, this is one of those nights where I'm feeling strangely down. Usually happens right after I've had a really good time, and I come home to an empty room once again, and decide to indulge in a little bit of feeling sorry for myself.
 
Got a call from Joseph this morning, asking if I would be interested in working for his company. And that's great news! Right after that, i rushed off to SBC for the EP Missions Conference, where I had a really really good time. Before that, I had lunch with Ray, Lawrence, Weixiu and Weimin. Its been a really long time since I've caught up with Lawrence, and I guess I've sorta missed him also. He used to be someone I used to look up to a lot when I was growing up in tuanqi. The conference itself was pretty good, I thought. I liked what was being said, and I felt it was just the right length of time.
 
Had dinner with Ray after that. And believe it or not, ended up in the same place as Weixiu's whole family, that Thai Noodle House at Coronation Plaza. Had supper after that with Paul and Ray, where Serene showed up also... followed by Weixiu and Syl, then Weimin and Enhan. So it was a pretty lively night, I suppose.
 
So WHAT THE HELL am I doing, feeling so down right now? I guess perhaps it was as I told Paul on my way home - sometimes its not abt how hard up I am for a girl, but its more a confidence crisis, where I just want to know that there will still be someone out there who loves me, who would think enough of me to be willing to commit herself to me, and spend the rest of her life with me. And so whenever I get closer to a girl, I'll start to think of the possibilities, almost instinctively, as to whether or not she can be the one for me, and how things will turn out if I ask her.
 
Ray was just asking me (rather belatedly, of course...) what I would have done differently if I could have dated Grace all over again. Hehz... he's asking cos he's right now on the verge of starting a r/s with a girl that I shall leave unnamned her, since I know Mr Prodo will not be able to resist a dig at Ray, and I kindda promised him I won't tell anyone. But still, aside from not dating her in the first place, I guess the one thing I'd need to change is my own insecurities, and the perpetual doubt inside my head of whether or not she thinks I'm good enough for her. Cos I think that was ultimately what led to the breakdown of the relationship. Sure, crossing the physical boundaries by a pretty large extent definitely poisoned the relationship, but I guess at the back of my head, the biggest niggling doubt was whether or not she felt I was good enough for her, and what it would take to be sure. As long as I doubted her, it was really very hard to open up to her and be vulnerable, since I already felt so vulnerable. And I guess in due time the gulf that opened up just strangled the relationship.
 
Shit. In case I start sounding like I'm again down cos of Grace, I'm not.
 
At least not tonight.
 
I think I'm down cos after a whole day out with friends, I find myself wondering how many would still be around once I leave in three months time. I guess I can be reasonably sure Paul would. He'd better also. Muahahahaha... I can't be sure Weixiu would. And even as close I am to Weimin right now, she's gonna be starting on a whole new phase of her life in SMU, and I dunno how much that is gonna draw us apart... Enhan has always been more distant to me, but given our weekly BS now, he's starting to open up. I just wonder if the effort's gonna go to waste once I go overseas. And even Little Ruth, whom I'm having so much fun with lately... Ah well. Just hope she doesn't turn out to be like Grace. Grins.
 
Shit. I'm leading worship tmr in church, then leading BS for cell grp. Haven't prepared for either yet at 1.40am in the morning, and here I am feeling worried that I might get LONELY.
 
Ah well. Can't help it sometimes I guess. At best it'd be simply denying how I feel.
 
And yeh, Nut, I'm hitting on you. Everytime I do, Paul gets worried enough to bump you up by another number. A few more days and you'll be up to number two. Grins. But guess what... if I have my way, Serene will always be Number One, for a long long long time to come yet...
 
Hehz...

Why Am I Still Awake????

只能抱着你
好想这样抱着你
我知道你有些在意
給他伤了心才想到可以找你
好想這这样抱着你
我知道你现在伤心
想有人陪你，只是如此而已

你知道，我明了
抱着你，我(妳)的泪却为他而掉
你知道，我明了，抱着你，温习拥抱
你知道，我明了，抱着你
我的心有些动摇
你有的好，他做不到(他有的好我做不到)

还想他(也许他)，可能等我回家(等妳回家)
在我们(你们）相识的楼下
还想他(也许他)，可能拨我电话(拨妳电话)留話
还爱他(妳爱他)，我从沒怀疑过(沒怀疑过)
今晚心底的掙札，我不说你明白吗

只能这样抱着你，我知道你有些在意
給他伤了心，才想到可以找你
只能这样抱着你，我知道你现在伤心
想有人陪妳，只是如此而已

Dunno why, but I can't get this damned song outta my head lately. Still, its a really nice song. Decided that I always bitch abt the things I can't get outta my head on this blog, why not also print out the songs that I can't get outta my head as well? Grins. As long as it ain't that accursed Kylie Minogue song. Grins.

The Way I Was

Bah. Can't get to sleep. My mind's been tossing and turning again and again. So, feeling kindda reminiscent, I started to think back to how I was before I started NUS. Was trying to picture myself in retrospect, and ask myself how I've changed over the past 4 yrs.

On my table, there's a poem by Rudyard Kipling -

IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

And I guess to this day as the paper still is on my table, I'm still holding on to this set of ideals. But so much around me has changed since then. I've grown more cynical. I've been through more hurt and disappointment. I've let myself down more than anyone else has let me down. I've lost some really close friends, and gained some true ones. And these changes weren't kept to just me, but even my circle. The circle of friends I keep these days are so different from the circle I kept 4 yrs ago. Even within church, I'm hanging out with such different people. Heck, I'm even attending another church.

Some of the people who drifted out of my life from more than 5,6 yrs ago have started to come back into my life again. And I'm thankful for that. Mebbe these friendships that I've lost faith in were not the misplaced trust that I had thought it to be. Maybe people do move on - but we just should not discount that they will someday come back.

Is that what some call hope?

Is that how some people don't get burnt?

I also went back to revisit some of the things I said to Grace when I broke up with her. And I find myself musing. As to whether she ever did think abt the things I said to her, or did she - like she does to me - just choose to avaoid and ignore them? Or the question of whether or not she even thinks of me. Am I still in her thoughts? Or has she moved on so much more than me? Will things ever be better? Will she also come back like the friends I lost 6 yrs ago? Or will be just forget each other in due time? The prospects of bumping into her with greater frequency, esp after I move into Marbella intrigues me. For my life I hope we won't bump into each other, but given the laws of my name (Read: Murphy), how will we react when we see each other?

And since my mind is on over-drive - will this always be the case?

Shit, I'm plagued by a hundred-and-one questions all the time. Will I fail in Monash? Will my family be able to weather the financial strain? Do I change church? Will I ever dare to get into a relationship again? With who? What will I be doing in 5 yrs' time? Which church will I be in? Will I even be in S'pore? Or even a Christian? Think I'll still be close to the same circle of friends as I am right now, or will everyone have moved on as well? What if my parents' health deteriorates so badly while I'm overseas, esp my dad? What if I'm forced to abandon my studies overseas? What if I get killed? (Gee, can't be that lucky I guess...) Will I be able to get my driving licence before I leave?

Bloody shit. My head's hurting, but there's nothing I can do. Can't sleep. Can't think coherently. Can't even focus my thoughts enough to be praying.

Ah well. Sometimes its pretty fun to lie down in bed to think abt your life. It just stops being fun if you're so awake at 3 that you can sit up, get outta bed and blog again.

Started BS with Enhan since last week. Think he and I are gonna work out fine. Too bad I don't have much time left to take him. Am hoping and praying that I can make a positive difference to him and his life while I'm doing some active discipleship. Sigh...

Okie. Enough ramblings. Back to bed I go.

Hehz... think I'm going nuts. Must be the Nut's fault. Grins. Keep it up, you'll soon be number one. Grins.

And for Prodo Faggot, oops... I mean Faggins, I'm still waiting for my birthday gift. And yo Nut, whaddya getting him for his birthday? Know any friends who can make him a fake driving license? Hyak hyak hyak...

Blah blah blah...

Been a few days since my birthday now. The cell was really nice in throwing me a surprise birthday tea on sunday after cell grp. I actually enjoyed this year's birthday, away from all the fanfare of the past, where I get to celebrate with those whom I'm close to, and I get to avoid all the other wishes of those who only msg me once a year.

I thought the worship on sunday went really well. Xianghui screwed up the first song with his really wierd synchopation, but I guess it all turned out well. Really glad and thankful for him too, the fact that he volunteered to play for Youth Service the minute he comes back to Singapore... I've missed him so much.

But you know, right after all the euphoria of my birthday, been having really depressing and depressed friends all around me. From Paul who PMS-ed on me a couple of nights ago, to Ruth and her manic-depression, until Anne talking abt her failed marriage and her struggles as a single mom with a 6-yr old kid. Geez, talk about a reality check man...

So what is there to really look forward to in life? The christian is always called to suffer... that much I know, and can accept. But is the christian called to perpetual depression? The alternative being either a filter through which we deny the tangibility of our pain and so tell ourselves we can give thanks in all circumstances, or else the blatant blindness we see in so many people who have been holed up in their myopia and so deny the existence of such pain. I'll always Adelina's outburst so many years ago, when I told her I was really taken aback by her drastic about-turn from an earnest christian to a firm agnostic now. She burst out about how there was absolutely nothing tangible to hold on to, for a hope and an assurance that God is real and that He cares... in the face of her most difficult moments its really hard to expect a set of concepts and notions to come through for her.

So is it sheer denial when some people seem to find genuine joy and contentment, when my mom and dad have warned me since I was a kid to "trust no one"? Why is it that some people can still find that hope and trust in people, and not get burnt? Luck? Those who don't get burnt stay that way, while others fall into the category of pple whom I see ard me, depressed or cynical... and sometimes both...

*shrug*

Started to icq again lately... been catching up with lotsa pple, such as Weilong, Stanley, Huifen, Huilin... guess icq is like a momentum thing... lose it and you don't feel like picking it up again. But if you do, you'll keep at it for a while. I only picked it up cos it was cheaper to chat with Ruth that way than via sms. So I guess I've got her to thank for making me pick it up again. After all, this will soon be the way I talk to everyone back here in S'pore, once I go over. Might be good to make sure they're still contactable by the old icq number they used to have.

Its been raining a lot lately!!! Whoopee!! SO happy... hehz... I lurve rain... rain... rain... rain... rain... rain...

Its My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

Hehz... Happy Birthday Peng!!!! We all love you!!! Whoo hoo!

Yeah. Its my birthday today and I'm just about absolutely spent. After whining about how his friends all seem to have neglected him, he decided to play me out on a supper date ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! Muahahahaha... yeaps. Didn't reply me after I finished my concert, FORCING me to trudge home in utter disappointment, having thought I could spend some time with someone I truly care for.

Lalalalalala... gee, nut... emotional blackmail can be real fun! Grins.

But seriously, its been a really long day man. Had BS with Enhan in the morning, then did lunch with Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan. Had worship prac after that, then went to the RGS Chinese Orchestra concert. Yes. Shit. The RGS CO. Never thought I'd have to face that again, but I did. Brough back lots of memories, watching the uniforms, the same conductor as 5 yrs ago, in the same concert hall, sigh... Grace actually did message me happy birthday today too. Surprised myself when I didn't really feel anything when she did.

Ah well. Its just been really tiring today. But I felt I just HAD to let my ego run amuck and post on my birthday. To quote something i just learnt - to go Nucking Futs. *wink*

Both Sides Now

Thoreau once said men all live lives of quiet desperation. Never did quite understand the full import of that till recent years. Finding out that I'm not exactly the best kid on the block, be it in school, family, love life, church or even in my ethical principles, it kindda takes the shine out of all the ideals and aspirations I once had. Faced with the reality of just who I really am, I'm confronted with the question of just who do I think I am, to believe I'm worthy of having such lofty ambitions.

So the alternative is to try my best to hold on to scraps of the last vestiges of the picture I had of myself, and some of the fantasies I had about my character, then spend the rest of my life in my quiet desperation, trying to live up to those ideals. A better morality, a better degree, a better disposition than most, and a willingness to always try my best to put others before myself, in hope of being able to convince myself that I am worthy of at least an ounce of respect.

And mebbe that's the bottomline of why I have a phobia of committing to another relationship. I don't think I deserve it, or that I will be up to what's required of me. Cos no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I've now disciplined myself into a better man, deep inside I know I'm still as rotten as I ever was. And to have to put a girl through the hell of living with me, knowing I can't be the man of her dreams nor fulfill her expectations of me, is something I won't do. Firstly cos I fear the rejection that I suppose is inevitable, and secondly cos if truly love her, I can't put her through the whole saga of learning to love me as ugly as I may be inside. So I shrug off all the girls with "I'm not her type" or "There's just no chemistry".

And perhaps that's why I always have a tendency to meddle in the affairs of other couples. I seek my fulfillment from hoping to help others live out the kind of love that I don't think I deserve, but have always longed for.

Just watched Spiderman 2 with Paul. Its really scary, the whole recurring idea that you really might not be able to end up with the woman you truly love. Coupled with Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and the idea of how there really is a soulmate out there for you... and I'm confronted with a really scary thought. What if one day, like Paul, I fall for a girl who has a boyfriend? Or worse, is married??? All that mumbo-jumbo gung-ho nonsense about fighting for your dreams, and fighting for the love of your life - always discounts the reality that in doing so, someone inevitably gets hurt. So I'd rather that person be me. Either that, or its just cos I'm too big a wuss also. Hehz...

But if she's really the soulmate of mine, that would mean that the guy she's with isn't right for her. Then what? I've come to realize that in many girls I see, they'd rather stick with a guy who's obviously wrong for her, rather than break it off. Hey, that's what MJ did in Spiderman, isn't it? She'd rather marry the wrong man, choosing security and compromise over the one person she's so SURE is the right guy for her. Is this what love really ends up being in the real world, where we have to compromise our heart for the sake of pragmatism?

Even in real life, outside the realm of my love life (or the non-existence of it), I'm faced with the same questions, where I have to ask myself the same thing. Would I settle for a job that pays the bills, or drop it in pursuit of something nobler, something that I know I SHOULD be doing, even if it means a much poorer prospect, like a full-time ministry, or being a social worker?

As I find myself struggling with a world that has increasingly become greyer between pragmatism and destiny, I increasingly wish I could go back to the time when I would have no troubles knowing what was right. Was I too naive then, or has my vision become too clouded now?

On Feb 12, 1944, thirteen yr old Anne Frank wrote this in her diary:
Today the sun is shining, the sky is a deep blue, there is a lovely breeze and I am longing - so longing for everything. To talk, for freedom, for friends, to be alone.
And I do so long... to cry! I feel as if I am going to burst, and I know that it would get better with crying, but I can't, I'm restless, I go from room to room, breathe through the crack of a closed window, feel my heart beating, as if it is saying, can't you satisfy my longing at last?
I believe that it is spring within me, I feel that spring awakening, I feel it in my whole body and soul. It is an effort to behave normally. I feel utterly confused. I don't know what to read, what to write, what to do, I only know that I am longing.

Funny how at 25 yrs of age, I can still be feeling the same thing as a 13 yr old huh?

Insomniac Ramblings

Lately I've been bloggging my stream of consciousness simply cos I can't seem to get to sleep, and there's lots of things on my mind.

They say love can make one grow up overnight. But I think that ain't true. Uusually its when love fails, and hopes once cherished have all but died, that one learns how to deal with a world that inevitably never goes one's way. The one who chooses to pick himself up and learn to move on, will benefit much from the benefit of hindsight in due time, while the one who chose to sit and hang on will forever be trapped, unable to ever seek some form of reprieve.

Lodged
The rain to the wind said
"You push and I'll pelt"
So they smote the garden bed
That the flowers actually knelt
And lay lodged - though not dead
I know how the flowers felt
- Robert Frost

Sometimes I feel just like that. With so much going on, I feel so pushed around sometimes, and having absolutely no means by which to control my own destiny, except to be bent by my own emotions and circumstance.

Bah.

Yeah, Nat, Who's The Boss rocks. =)

And tomorrow night, Greece will triumph over Portugal to secure the greatest footballing upset the world has ever seen, and I will be there, witnessing history being made. Muahahaha...

W-O-W

Yeah, that's probably the only way I can put it. WOW. Firstly, Greece did the impossible and beat the Czech Republic. Next, we left ARPC today at 2245. No kidding. Mark Peterson was down, and he had a mini concert of the songs he wrote, after the service. Must admit tho, as dumb as some songs are to be sung in the service, standing alone and when he performs them, they don't sound half bad. Thirdly, (saving the best for last), after my little epiphany, I realized that Paul decided to whine abt his own love life and confusions. Grins. He's decidedly slipping.

Muahahaha... gonna be going to the KTV later at 2pm, having BS with Enhan before that, and having a committee at 1630, followed by an service to commission the next batch of leaders in the church. Lucky for me dinner will be free. Hehz... But man, its gonna be hectic.

Anyway, back to Paul. Grins. He thinks my opinion of who's best for him ain't accurate cos I ain't seen him and Rach together. What he doesn't realise is that he hasn't even seen himself with the girl I picked out for him, and how much greater they would have been together.

Anyway, my previous post received two comments, one talking abt Who's The Boss. What spooks me is that no one knows abt this blog except Paul, and he's made a comment already. Grins. Well, to all my secret fans out there, I'm really sorry. This has to be my worst entry in some time.

Ah well.

I'll have to do better.

Next time.

Something is rotten in the state of my mind

Yeah, so I just re-read Hamlet again for the 5th time. So I probably am not a hundred percent alright. Just don't ask me what's wrong, cos like the girl that I truly am inside, I don't know.

Had the chance to catch up with Syl not too long ago, and told her what I learned in Europe. (Of course, this is gonna be abt Grace...)

Told her that all this while I kept asking myself what would it mean to be over someone. I remember telling Paul that you can't really be over someone till you are with someone else, and that your attention and commitment can finally fill the void left by the vacating of your previous girl. Now I know I was wrong. Hehz... more of that mindless chatter I keep spewing while I take a considerable amt of time to figure out what it really is...

Been asking myself that question all of the trip, and I guess at least I finally came to terms with some of the things I was struggling with. Here goes:

You don't really ever stop loving someone. It would be really silly to expect me to stop loving Grace after breaking up with her. If that were true, I probably never really did love her after all. And mebbe that's why Paul can continue to be the fool that he is towards Jocelyn. So it would be impossible to equate getting over Grace as having no more affections toward her. Instead, I feel what I need to come to terms with, and to "get over" is more the reality that I need to stop holding on to any spark of hope that I might one day get back with her again. I'll confess that sometimes I still muse over the possibility that one day we might get back together. And I guess as long as I keep loving her, it would keep being hard to not ever entertain the thought, or mebbe even the hope.

And yet, that would be the state of getting over her, wouldn't it? The point where I can love her for the person she is, and how much she means to me, without that desire that she becomes mine. So that I still love her the way I love Paul, Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan.

And this is where Paul wrinkles his nose in disgust at what I'm writing, but ah well. He loves me too, so he won't complain too much. Grins.

But this has been a tiny epiphany for me, coming to this conclusion. I guess at least now I no longer try to fight my feelings, and attempt the impossible. At least now I know I have something that I seem more likely to be able to work towards. At least now I don't have to feel guilty and berate myself whenever I still get affected when she shows up.

Enough whining.

The semi-finals are coming for Euro 2004, and I don't have anyone left to support. Sweden and England have both crashed out. Sigh... the only thing to do is watch and support the Czech Republic, for the sake of Nedved. At least he's my fav Juventus player. Grins.

Been sms-ing with Ruth a lot lately. She's pretty hilarious sometimes. But something tells me she's a lot like Weimin, who spends too much time brooding over the darker side of things. That's why I tell her she shd keep spending time with Weixiu, since that woman is just ever over-flowing with sunshine, so much that sometimes no one can stand it. Grins.

And my first season of Who's The Boss finally arrived!!! Whoo hoo! Go Micelli!!!

Just returned from Switzerland and France. Man, so much has happened in the 10 days that I was away, that I absolutely couldn't believe it. Paul's case hits another brick wall, his church goes through another crisis which affects him very pesonally, and two of his ex-crushes absolutely... err... crushes him (hehz...) with their behaviour. Talk abt having a rough time.

News from my Uni application is that my best bet would be to do a diploma in Monash that starts in Oct 2004, and start Yr 2 of Monash Uni in July 2005. Dunno how smart a move that would turn out to be, but it seems I don't have too much of a choice.

Can't help but keep recalling the whole movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where the whole idea of having a soulmate whom you love, and that special someone that you were meant to be with no matter what, keeps surfacing. On my Europe trip, I met a girl in my group, only 13, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Grace when she was 13 or 14. Was a pretty uncomfortable position to be in, always being reminded of her wherever I turn. And I keep finding my eyes turning to her, not due to any attraction (For God's sake, I'm not THAT pathetic a paedophile...), but simply cos I'm fascinated with the resemblance.

Then I beat myself over the head for not being able to get Grace out of my life. Am I just being really pathetic, or is this really normal? I seem to be going through a phase where even as I try to forget her, I can't... but slowly come to realise how much I really loved her, and perhaps still do. Yet that is very much tempered by a state receeding anger towards her and the hurt she caused me - which everytime on hindsight looks so bloody adolescent a thing that it even makes me chuckle at how silly I can be.

Bumped into Grace again on sunday, and I find myself still very much affected by her presence. I so badly wanted to be able to smile at her, say hi to her, and I so desperately wanted to set things right with her again. Yet another part of me just simply refused to do that. Partly out of fear that letting her back into my life again would definitely sabotage all my efforts so far to get over the r/s, and partly also because I was too proud to let her back into my life without making her see and admit she was in the wrong. God only knows how much I can't even stand myself everytime I start this tirade abt Grace again, but I just can't help it.

Henry and Bernice are considering a job offer that very much allows them to pursue their interest in using their musical gifts as a means to serve God, but the job requirements bears a condition that they must leave ORPC and become Methodists (No prizes for guessing who their potential-employers are). I'm so torn between encouraging them to take up the offer which I feel would suit them very well, and the notion that it would mean losing them both in a stroke, a real body blow to the Youth Ministry already in dire straits.

You know, I sat down in Europe and tried to list out all the potential names of pple I would consider ending up with, from church - and the list really shocks me with some of the names I'd consider, and also leaves me feeling really pathetic with the options I'm left with... Hopefully I'll have better luck in Australia. I wonder if I leave for Au to study without getting a gf by then, I really might just get one there and then settle down permanently already.

Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I still can't get to sleep with the things on my mind. I guess I really can't do more than one thing at a time, and I really am unable to handle pressure well. Heck, I even run away from sleep from I'm troubled. How much more screwed up can I get, I wonder...

How does one make a life count, and move out of this state of perpetual inconsequence that I find myself trapped in?

More than a month on from my last post, and I find myself in no condition to report any kind of progress in anything, ranging from my spiritual life to my academic life. If nothing else, my life seems to keep bumping from one wall to another, where I wonder if there is ever going to be any redemption in store for the years and the opportunities that were wasted.

I'm now faced with the decision of going overseas to do a degree. As much as there is such a real possibility and tendency for me to over-romanticize the potential to make something out of my sojourn there, I can't help but sometimes wish that this will mark the turning point in my life. That the squandered years will from now on become a thing of the past,and I can finally begin moving towards the destiny that God has envisioned for me.

Of course, all this hinges yet on the very big question of whether or not I will be accepted overseas.

Every part of me screams out that I want this. And there are just so many reasons why.
1. Its what I've always wanted to do.
2. I get the break from church that I've always dreamed about.
3. I get to avoid Grace and Andrew, and hopefully make things a lot easier on everyone else in church.
4. It gives me the perfect reason to avoid the questions I'm asking myself right now abt BGR, since being overseas makes anything impossible.
5. I get a chance to start everything on a clean slate, instead of trying to clean up this mess that I'm responsible for.

Obviously, the word "escapism" is one of the key words in my doctrine of life. Being unable and unwilling to live up to the responsibilities demanded of me, it would present the perfect opportunity for me to begin all over again, and explore new means of screwing up. Hehz...

"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall - remember you almost had it all" so the song goes. Its so easy to look at others and think they are the ones who've almost had it all. That I don't even fall into the category of those who've "almost had it all". I mean, who am I to even think that I'm having it bad right now? How dare I go before God and ask Him for a better lot in life? with a family that has given me nothing but support and love, with friends around me who've in no way derided me for my condition, with a state of health that far surpasses many that I know, and also with the opportunities that still stand before me... in what way do I see myself as having picked the short straw in life?

Yet that maddening tendency of mine to look only to my failures and to be self abasing continues to block off my view of the silver lining in the cloud, and rob me of the joy that should come with gratefulness at my lot in life.

I keep telling myself that if I were just a little smarter... a little richer... a little more good looking... a better voice... a little more talent in music... heck, I even convince myself that if I could finally find my soulmate, I'd find the key to turning my life around.

How much more can I cheapen my life with these thoughts, I wonder...

To finally move my life beyond my current state of inconsequence... where do I start?

Gosh... its been so long since I last wrote in here. Guess there were just too many things that needed to be done. Like laze around after my exams, run around meeting people, playing really lame computer games (read: CM4), or lese just the lethargy of not having written in a while...

But here I am once again, wondering what sense can I pour into such a place as this.

Exams ended. Have met up with quite a lot of people already, am pretty impressed with myself. Yet someohow a cloud still hangs over my head... Its only a few days more till the day I broke up with Grace for a year. And I really dunno what to make of it. I guess as much as I tell myself I'm over the relationship, I still feel a lot of unease at the fact that we ended up so abruptly, and without much in terms of a resolution. Am I wrong in not trying more?

I saw her on sunday in the Youth Service, and she somehow was right behind me on quite a few occasions, and I found myself very deliberately (and literally) turning my back on her. It seemed like what I wanted to do then. Yet after I go home, I wonder if it would not have been batter to just look her in the eye and pretend to smile. You know, work towards a resolution, instead of this tense awkwardness.

Shit man. How lame can I get? Even Paul's obsessing over 2 girls. Here I am, still letting my ex wreck my thoughts when I shd be out enjoying myself, going for movies with hot babes, going to 5566 concerts with my dream girl... (oops... too much details... Grins)

Well, tomorrow's another day, so they say...

Wake up, Peng.

Its been a day of shocks... next to Paul's Catharsis that he so obviously wants to talk abt, but which I refused to give him airtime, in case he ends up making too much of it in the end. Grins.

Ah well, but since this blog is all devoted to my babblings, my whinings, my grindings, a place where I get to shamelessly flaunt my self-obsession, here I go, listing the things worth whining about that's gone on in just this one day alone.

Started this morning where I had to improvise when I realised I couldn't screen the video clip for my church service today as I expected. Then I had a chat with Lishan and realised she was in a much worse shape than I had thought. Then at cell, the numbers were ridiculously small, and Der Biao went into a whole big round of sharing abt his life - which I won't mind, if I could see where he was alluding to. Yeah, he was leading worship. Weixiu led a bible study in record time, which prob is worth a bigger shock than anything else. Then I learnt that the new Net-Buddy that Der Biao got to know, and is having "very interesting conversations with" is non other than Meisen!!!! And now he's all interested in reading up more about sociology!!! Then I also pretty much confirmed that Der Biao's after Serene. He was obviously looking for a reason to go to Simon's house, really really obviously. Grins.

Doesn't stop there - I then got to learn that there is a really strong chance that Annie might be interested in me. *faint* Muahahahaha... was thinking - how abt I put Annie and Der Biao together? Grins. Hiak hiak... Then I took a cab to get home, only to leave my wallet on the cab, with my matric card and all!!!! Sigh... Good thing I got it back.

Whoo hoo! I now have abt 3 hours left of time to study before my paper tmr, and I sure feel like I might as well go jump in the Singapore River. Shit man... been having non-stop nightmares EVERY NIGHT that I'm gonna screw up everything and end up busking in those MRT tunnels.

Ah well. Just needed to let off some steam. Oh, its Weimin, Enhan and Enqi's birthday today. All on the same day. Cool huh? Grins. Hope thoe two are gonna have a good time. Their r/s ain't doing particularly well also.

And oh yeah, prob gotta pray a little for Paul and his Board Interview tmr. If he fails, I get less free rides home. Hahahaha!!!

K, back to mugging...

*chugs my mug of coffee*

Grins.

Couldn't resist that.

Had dinner with Caleb last night, where we spent some time just catching up with one another, and I think I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I always thought him to be one of those really rare people ard that I feel is the real thing. Its always rare to find such people arpound, those whom I can just sit ard and feel like I can trust him to say what he really means.

We were talking abt relationships, and how we both are a sucker for all the wrong kindda girls. Those who are cute, but have very little else to offer. We were also just sharing abt our failed relationships, and the condition of the church currently. I shared with him how I seem to have failed in everything that I've been doing so far, and how sometimes regrets are inevitable despite what pple say to encourage me.

Before that I was with Paul, who I guess was feeling rather down. He was telling me he was pretty much certain abt going into jail. Sometimes I really dunno how much to believe of what he says. Or how much to read into what he says. Dammit man, he's increasingly becoming the woman in the relationship. I think guys were meant to just sit ard, chug beer and tell jokes, and pretend that the earth's still spinning perfectly fine, and our lives are all getting along real well.

Grins. Speaking of which, I think Priscelia Chan's really pretty. Been seeing quite a bit of her on TV lately, and thinking that she actaully looks really amazing, at least on screen. Ah well. Since I'm thinking abt imposibilities aka Michelle Chia, I might as well spread my net ard the area...

Grins. After all, Paul's pining for a girl that is impossible to get, simply cos he's too big a wuss to ever tell her straight, so we can both sit ard and think abt the impossibilities.

Impossiblities... Possibilities...

Dammit man. I'm really talking absolute nonsense tonight. Good thing no one knows abt this blog...

There was a lot that went through my mind in the last 36 hours or so. Marcus' dad passed away, and I only received word yesterday afternoon that the wake was in the evening. I cancelled my dinner appointment and went down, and it more or less expectedly turned into a class gathering.

I guess funerals are the time where one is forced to consider one's mortality, and inevitably for me, I recall what left such a deep impression on me at my uncle's funeral recently - that ultimately, its not abt how much I've accomplished, but how many lives I've touched. See, there I was feeling so sorry for myself that at 25, I've got nothing to show for my life. Yet I remembered at the funeral was that what I wanted to hear at my eulogy, was not what I've accomplished in my life, but how many people can go up and say how I've made a difference in theirs.

Ironically, class gatherings are also the time where we sit around and catch up, inevitably a time where we assess how 'successful' some have become over others. So there I was, in that setting, and feeling the sheer irony of it all, that two such polemical paradigms could exits within the same act of being there for a friend in need.

I also got to meet Serene, one of the first girls I really felt bowled over by. Never did have the courage to speak to her in school, cos she always seemed so out of reach for me, even as a friend. This was the first time I even had a conversation with her, and she still had what it takes to really take my breath away. Of course, given the whole situation, it was wildly inappropriate to be pursuing that train of thought there, so even then I never had a chance to say much to her. Didn't allow myself to either. But yeah, it was one of those things that made me go home with a sense of wistfulness, wondering how things could have been. She just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 4 yrs just 5 days ago, to add insult to injury. Hehz... *shrug* C'est la vie...

I just returned from watching The Passion Of the Christ. Passion. The same word in the Latin that is translated as "suffering". And what the movie portrayed was pretty much that. One cannot help but shed at least a tear while watching all that Christ went through. Everything from the sheer physical pain, to the rejection by those he loved, and the scorn of those who never had anything to do with him, it was a movie where you really just had no words to speak right after it ended. I always thought I had a comment or two abt everything, yet the show left me totally speechless for some time after it ended. Literally. I walked out of the cinema with my cell in silence, my mind whirling with so many thoughts. Interestingly enough, by then there was very little emotionalism left, just the sense of tiredness at having watched something so graphic, and knowing that every bit of what we saw was true. And a recollection of all the thoughts that had gone on in my mind throughout the 2.5 hrs that the movie lasted.

I guess with the communion coming up this Sunday, there couldn't have been a more apt time to watch it, at least for me. Lotsa food for thought. Esp since I'm leading worship.

My pastor just suddenly broke down in her email to my cell group, describing the stress that she was going through, the fears she had, and the weight of all that she's feeling even in her personal life. I felt a little awed, actually, in the context of my church, that a pastor would be willing to open up to a cell with her emotions and her fears. Its either testament to the fact that she really is quite different from all the other pastors in my church, or else testament to how extraordinarily stressful the youth ministry is right now.

I'm not thinking properly now. Its already 2, and I still haven't prepared worship. Gotta wake up in 6 hr's time. Better go now.

Can't believe its been more than a week already. Time certainly flies when you've got a lot on your mind. Last week was when Ravi came to town, and its been a time where I had to go back to some of the thoughts that shaped a big part of the way I looked at my faith, and to reflect on how far I've come since.

He spoke on a topic abt "Recapturing Wonder... Living Life To The Fullest", and I think that may have proved to be the most apt topic for me in a long, long time... Last time he came was 4 yrs ago, right before I've started NUS, and where ideals were again raised up within me, seeing university life as a chance at a fresh start after the dreariness of NS. Little did I expect that 4 yrs down the road, I'd have become so disillusioned, and so blind to all that I had held up not so long ago. I was set wondering what had gone wrong. Was it cos of my failure in my relationship? Was it cos of my dramatic failures in my studies? I think its neither. I think it actually is because in my 4 yrs of blind service to God, I've forgotten to take time out for God. I looked at my journals that I've started and abandoned over the past 4 yrs, and realised that I've not been able to keep a consistent quiet time of more than 2 months, before I'd drop the practice again.

So much for relying on God in all my 4 yrs.

Couple of weeks ago, before Ravi, I wrote abt cynicism and how I believe that ultimately it has to do with the fact that I allowed the vission of this world to cloud my vision of God. Something Ravi said really caught me. He said - "The only way to transcend the physical and the sensual while retaining their essential features is to bind them to the sacred." What he basically meant is that the only way for the things we see ard us, what we label as "reality", can only be overcome if we acknowledge that its real, through the perspective of God's presence and God's greater reality. I think that's what I allowed to happen to myself. I've learnt to see things detached from God's reality. So I construct for myself two sets of "realities", one where God reigns supreme - that's what I preach on the pulpit on sundays, and one where the axioms I proclaim on sundays inevitably falls short - what I espouse in my everyday life.

Maybe that's why my whole week goes by in such confusion and depression, and I find myself unable to experience the joy of the Christian. I can appreciate the long-suffering that a Christian goes through, and even the fulfillment that results from my faithfulness, but somehow that joy has always managed to elude me. And if joy is supposed to be central to the Christian faith, then I shd be having a different experience from what I'm having now. Its one thing to have someone say how nice a person I am, yet I think its a totally different thing for someone to tell me that they see the joy of the Lord in me.

Think this thought shall stick with me for a while...

Pondering...

Reflecting...

Praying...