Yeah, so I just re-read Hamlet again for the 5th time. So I probably am not a hundred percent alright. Just don't ask me what's wrong, cos like the girl that I truly am inside, I don't know.
Had the chance to catch up with Syl not too long ago, and told her what I learned in Europe. (Of course, this is gonna be abt Grace...)
Told her that all this while I kept asking myself what would it mean to be over someone. I remember telling Paul that you can't really be over someone till you are with someone else, and that your attention and commitment can finally fill the void left by the vacating of your previous girl. Now I know I was wrong. Hehz... more of that mindless chatter I keep spewing while I take a considerable amt of time to figure out what it really is...
Been asking myself that question all of the trip, and I guess at least I finally came to terms with some of the things I was struggling with. Here goes:
You don't really ever stop loving someone. It would be really silly to expect me to stop loving Grace after breaking up with her. If that were true, I probably never really did love her after all. And mebbe that's why Paul can continue to be the fool that he is towards Jocelyn. So it would be impossible to equate getting over Grace as having no more affections toward her. Instead, I feel what I need to come to terms with, and to "get over" is more the reality that I need to stop holding on to any spark of hope that I might one day get back with her again. I'll confess that sometimes I still muse over the possibility that one day we might get back together. And I guess as long as I keep loving her, it would keep being hard to not ever entertain the thought, or mebbe even the hope.
And yet, that would be the state of getting over her, wouldn't it? The point where I can love her for the person she is, and how much she means to me, without that desire that she becomes mine. So that I still love her the way I love Paul, Weixiu, Weimin and Enhan.
And this is where Paul wrinkles his nose in disgust at what I'm writing, but ah well. He loves me too, so he won't complain too much. Grins.
But this has been a tiny epiphany for me, coming to this conclusion. I guess at least now I no longer try to fight my feelings, and attempt the impossible. At least now I know I have something that I seem more likely to be able to work towards. At least now I don't have to feel guilty and berate myself whenever I still get affected when she shows up.
Enough whining.
The semi-finals are coming for Euro 2004, and I don't have anyone left to support. Sweden and England have both crashed out. Sigh... the only thing to do is watch and support the Czech Republic, for the sake of Nedved. At least he's my fav Juventus player. Grins.
Been sms-ing with Ruth a lot lately. She's pretty hilarious sometimes. But something tells me she's a lot like Weimin, who spends too much time brooding over the darker side of things. That's why I tell her she shd keep spending time with Weixiu, since that woman is just ever over-flowing with sunshine, so much that sometimes no one can stand it. Grins.
And my first season of Who's The Boss finally arrived!!! Whoo hoo! Go Micelli!!!
I've been the king, I've been the clown. Now broken wings can't hold me down. I'm free again. The jester with the broken crown, it won't be me this time around to love in vain.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Just returned from Switzerland and France. Man, so much has happened in the 10 days that I was away, that I absolutely couldn't believe it. Paul's case hits another brick wall, his church goes through another crisis which affects him very pesonally, and two of his ex-crushes absolutely... err... crushes him (hehz...) with their behaviour. Talk abt having a rough time.
News from my Uni application is that my best bet would be to do a diploma in Monash that starts in Oct 2004, and start Yr 2 of Monash Uni in July 2005. Dunno how smart a move that would turn out to be, but it seems I don't have too much of a choice.
Can't help but keep recalling the whole movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where the whole idea of having a soulmate whom you love, and that special someone that you were meant to be with no matter what, keeps surfacing. On my Europe trip, I met a girl in my group, only 13, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Grace when she was 13 or 14. Was a pretty uncomfortable position to be in, always being reminded of her wherever I turn. And I keep finding my eyes turning to her, not due to any attraction (For God's sake, I'm not THAT pathetic a paedophile...), but simply cos I'm fascinated with the resemblance.
Then I beat myself over the head for not being able to get Grace out of my life. Am I just being really pathetic, or is this really normal? I seem to be going through a phase where even as I try to forget her, I can't... but slowly come to realise how much I really loved her, and perhaps still do. Yet that is very much tempered by a state receeding anger towards her and the hurt she caused me - which everytime on hindsight looks so bloody adolescent a thing that it even makes me chuckle at how silly I can be.
Bumped into Grace again on sunday, and I find myself still very much affected by her presence. I so badly wanted to be able to smile at her, say hi to her, and I so desperately wanted to set things right with her again. Yet another part of me just simply refused to do that. Partly out of fear that letting her back into my life again would definitely sabotage all my efforts so far to get over the r/s, and partly also because I was too proud to let her back into my life without making her see and admit she was in the wrong. God only knows how much I can't even stand myself everytime I start this tirade abt Grace again, but I just can't help it.
Henry and Bernice are considering a job offer that very much allows them to pursue their interest in using their musical gifts as a means to serve God, but the job requirements bears a condition that they must leave ORPC and become Methodists (No prizes for guessing who their potential-employers are). I'm so torn between encouraging them to take up the offer which I feel would suit them very well, and the notion that it would mean losing them both in a stroke, a real body blow to the Youth Ministry already in dire straits.
You know, I sat down in Europe and tried to list out all the potential names of pple I would consider ending up with, from church - and the list really shocks me with some of the names I'd consider, and also leaves me feeling really pathetic with the options I'm left with... Hopefully I'll have better luck in Australia. I wonder if I leave for Au to study without getting a gf by then, I really might just get one there and then settle down permanently already.
Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I still can't get to sleep with the things on my mind. I guess I really can't do more than one thing at a time, and I really am unable to handle pressure well. Heck, I even run away from sleep from I'm troubled. How much more screwed up can I get, I wonder...
News from my Uni application is that my best bet would be to do a diploma in Monash that starts in Oct 2004, and start Yr 2 of Monash Uni in July 2005. Dunno how smart a move that would turn out to be, but it seems I don't have too much of a choice.
Can't help but keep recalling the whole movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", where the whole idea of having a soulmate whom you love, and that special someone that you were meant to be with no matter what, keeps surfacing. On my Europe trip, I met a girl in my group, only 13, but bearing an uncanny resemblance to Grace when she was 13 or 14. Was a pretty uncomfortable position to be in, always being reminded of her wherever I turn. And I keep finding my eyes turning to her, not due to any attraction (For God's sake, I'm not THAT pathetic a paedophile...), but simply cos I'm fascinated with the resemblance.
Then I beat myself over the head for not being able to get Grace out of my life. Am I just being really pathetic, or is this really normal? I seem to be going through a phase where even as I try to forget her, I can't... but slowly come to realise how much I really loved her, and perhaps still do. Yet that is very much tempered by a state receeding anger towards her and the hurt she caused me - which everytime on hindsight looks so bloody adolescent a thing that it even makes me chuckle at how silly I can be.
Bumped into Grace again on sunday, and I find myself still very much affected by her presence. I so badly wanted to be able to smile at her, say hi to her, and I so desperately wanted to set things right with her again. Yet another part of me just simply refused to do that. Partly out of fear that letting her back into my life again would definitely sabotage all my efforts so far to get over the r/s, and partly also because I was too proud to let her back into my life without making her see and admit she was in the wrong. God only knows how much I can't even stand myself everytime I start this tirade abt Grace again, but I just can't help it.
Henry and Bernice are considering a job offer that very much allows them to pursue their interest in using their musical gifts as a means to serve God, but the job requirements bears a condition that they must leave ORPC and become Methodists (No prizes for guessing who their potential-employers are). I'm so torn between encouraging them to take up the offer which I feel would suit them very well, and the notion that it would mean losing them both in a stroke, a real body blow to the Youth Ministry already in dire straits.
You know, I sat down in Europe and tried to list out all the potential names of pple I would consider ending up with, from church - and the list really shocks me with some of the names I'd consider, and also leaves me feeling really pathetic with the options I'm left with... Hopefully I'll have better luck in Australia. I wonder if I leave for Au to study without getting a gf by then, I really might just get one there and then settle down permanently already.
Well, its 5:30 in the morning and I still can't get to sleep with the things on my mind. I guess I really can't do more than one thing at a time, and I really am unable to handle pressure well. Heck, I even run away from sleep from I'm troubled. How much more screwed up can I get, I wonder...
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
How does one make a life count, and move out of this state of perpetual inconsequence that I find myself trapped in?
More than a month on from my last post, and I find myself in no condition to report any kind of progress in anything, ranging from my spiritual life to my academic life. If nothing else, my life seems to keep bumping from one wall to another, where I wonder if there is ever going to be any redemption in store for the years and the opportunities that were wasted.
I'm now faced with the decision of going overseas to do a degree. As much as there is such a real possibility and tendency for me to over-romanticize the potential to make something out of my sojourn there, I can't help but sometimes wish that this will mark the turning point in my life. That the squandered years will from now on become a thing of the past,and I can finally begin moving towards the destiny that God has envisioned for me.
Of course, all this hinges yet on the very big question of whether or not I will be accepted overseas.
Every part of me screams out that I want this. And there are just so many reasons why.
1. Its what I've always wanted to do.
2. I get the break from church that I've always dreamed about.
3. I get to avoid Grace and Andrew, and hopefully make things a lot easier on everyone else in church.
4. It gives me the perfect reason to avoid the questions I'm asking myself right now abt BGR, since being overseas makes anything impossible.
5. I get a chance to start everything on a clean slate, instead of trying to clean up this mess that I'm responsible for.
Obviously, the word "escapism" is one of the key words in my doctrine of life. Being unable and unwilling to live up to the responsibilities demanded of me, it would present the perfect opportunity for me to begin all over again, and explore new means of screwing up. Hehz...
"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall - remember you almost had it all" so the song goes. Its so easy to look at others and think they are the ones who've almost had it all. That I don't even fall into the category of those who've "almost had it all". I mean, who am I to even think that I'm having it bad right now? How dare I go before God and ask Him for a better lot in life? with a family that has given me nothing but support and love, with friends around me who've in no way derided me for my condition, with a state of health that far surpasses many that I know, and also with the opportunities that still stand before me... in what way do I see myself as having picked the short straw in life?
Yet that maddening tendency of mine to look only to my failures and to be self abasing continues to block off my view of the silver lining in the cloud, and rob me of the joy that should come with gratefulness at my lot in life.
I keep telling myself that if I were just a little smarter... a little richer... a little more good looking... a better voice... a little more talent in music... heck, I even convince myself that if I could finally find my soulmate, I'd find the key to turning my life around.
How much more can I cheapen my life with these thoughts, I wonder...
To finally move my life beyond my current state of inconsequence... where do I start?
More than a month on from my last post, and I find myself in no condition to report any kind of progress in anything, ranging from my spiritual life to my academic life. If nothing else, my life seems to keep bumping from one wall to another, where I wonder if there is ever going to be any redemption in store for the years and the opportunities that were wasted.
I'm now faced with the decision of going overseas to do a degree. As much as there is such a real possibility and tendency for me to over-romanticize the potential to make something out of my sojourn there, I can't help but sometimes wish that this will mark the turning point in my life. That the squandered years will from now on become a thing of the past,and I can finally begin moving towards the destiny that God has envisioned for me.
Of course, all this hinges yet on the very big question of whether or not I will be accepted overseas.
Every part of me screams out that I want this. And there are just so many reasons why.
1. Its what I've always wanted to do.
2. I get the break from church that I've always dreamed about.
3. I get to avoid Grace and Andrew, and hopefully make things a lot easier on everyone else in church.
4. It gives me the perfect reason to avoid the questions I'm asking myself right now abt BGR, since being overseas makes anything impossible.
5. I get a chance to start everything on a clean slate, instead of trying to clean up this mess that I'm responsible for.
Obviously, the word "escapism" is one of the key words in my doctrine of life. Being unable and unwilling to live up to the responsibilities demanded of me, it would present the perfect opportunity for me to begin all over again, and explore new means of screwing up. Hehz...
"Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall - remember you almost had it all" so the song goes. Its so easy to look at others and think they are the ones who've almost had it all. That I don't even fall into the category of those who've "almost had it all". I mean, who am I to even think that I'm having it bad right now? How dare I go before God and ask Him for a better lot in life? with a family that has given me nothing but support and love, with friends around me who've in no way derided me for my condition, with a state of health that far surpasses many that I know, and also with the opportunities that still stand before me... in what way do I see myself as having picked the short straw in life?
Yet that maddening tendency of mine to look only to my failures and to be self abasing continues to block off my view of the silver lining in the cloud, and rob me of the joy that should come with gratefulness at my lot in life.
I keep telling myself that if I were just a little smarter... a little richer... a little more good looking... a better voice... a little more talent in music... heck, I even convince myself that if I could finally find my soulmate, I'd find the key to turning my life around.
How much more can I cheapen my life with these thoughts, I wonder...
To finally move my life beyond my current state of inconsequence... where do I start?
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Gosh... its been so long since I last wrote in here. Guess there were just too many things that needed to be done. Like laze around after my exams, run around meeting people, playing really lame computer games (read: CM4), or lese just the lethargy of not having written in a while...
But here I am once again, wondering what sense can I pour into such a place as this.
Exams ended. Have met up with quite a lot of people already, am pretty impressed with myself. Yet someohow a cloud still hangs over my head... Its only a few days more till the day I broke up with Grace for a year. And I really dunno what to make of it. I guess as much as I tell myself I'm over the relationship, I still feel a lot of unease at the fact that we ended up so abruptly, and without much in terms of a resolution. Am I wrong in not trying more?
I saw her on sunday in the Youth Service, and she somehow was right behind me on quite a few occasions, and I found myself very deliberately (and literally) turning my back on her. It seemed like what I wanted to do then. Yet after I go home, I wonder if it would not have been batter to just look her in the eye and pretend to smile. You know, work towards a resolution, instead of this tense awkwardness.
Shit man. How lame can I get? Even Paul's obsessing over 2 girls. Here I am, still letting my ex wreck my thoughts when I shd be out enjoying myself, going for movies with hot babes, going to 5566 concerts with my dream girl... (oops... too much details... Grins)
Well, tomorrow's another day, so they say...
Wake up, Peng.
But here I am once again, wondering what sense can I pour into such a place as this.
Exams ended. Have met up with quite a lot of people already, am pretty impressed with myself. Yet someohow a cloud still hangs over my head... Its only a few days more till the day I broke up with Grace for a year. And I really dunno what to make of it. I guess as much as I tell myself I'm over the relationship, I still feel a lot of unease at the fact that we ended up so abruptly, and without much in terms of a resolution. Am I wrong in not trying more?
I saw her on sunday in the Youth Service, and she somehow was right behind me on quite a few occasions, and I found myself very deliberately (and literally) turning my back on her. It seemed like what I wanted to do then. Yet after I go home, I wonder if it would not have been batter to just look her in the eye and pretend to smile. You know, work towards a resolution, instead of this tense awkwardness.
Shit man. How lame can I get? Even Paul's obsessing over 2 girls. Here I am, still letting my ex wreck my thoughts when I shd be out enjoying myself, going for movies with hot babes, going to 5566 concerts with my dream girl... (oops... too much details... Grins)
Well, tomorrow's another day, so they say...
Wake up, Peng.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Its been a day of shocks... next to Paul's Catharsis that he so obviously wants to talk abt, but which I refused to give him airtime, in case he ends up making too much of it in the end. Grins.
Ah well, but since this blog is all devoted to my babblings, my whinings, my grindings, a place where I get to shamelessly flaunt my self-obsession, here I go, listing the things worth whining about that's gone on in just this one day alone.
Started this morning where I had to improvise when I realised I couldn't screen the video clip for my church service today as I expected. Then I had a chat with Lishan and realised she was in a much worse shape than I had thought. Then at cell, the numbers were ridiculously small, and Der Biao went into a whole big round of sharing abt his life - which I won't mind, if I could see where he was alluding to. Yeah, he was leading worship. Weixiu led a bible study in record time, which prob is worth a bigger shock than anything else. Then I learnt that the new Net-Buddy that Der Biao got to know, and is having "very interesting conversations with" is non other than Meisen!!!! And now he's all interested in reading up more about sociology!!! Then I also pretty much confirmed that Der Biao's after Serene. He was obviously looking for a reason to go to Simon's house, really really obviously. Grins.
Doesn't stop there - I then got to learn that there is a really strong chance that Annie might be interested in me. *faint* Muahahahaha... was thinking - how abt I put Annie and Der Biao together? Grins. Hiak hiak... Then I took a cab to get home, only to leave my wallet on the cab, with my matric card and all!!!! Sigh... Good thing I got it back.
Whoo hoo! I now have abt 3 hours left of time to study before my paper tmr, and I sure feel like I might as well go jump in the Singapore River. Shit man... been having non-stop nightmares EVERY NIGHT that I'm gonna screw up everything and end up busking in those MRT tunnels.
Ah well. Just needed to let off some steam. Oh, its Weimin, Enhan and Enqi's birthday today. All on the same day. Cool huh? Grins. Hope thoe two are gonna have a good time. Their r/s ain't doing particularly well also.
And oh yeah, prob gotta pray a little for Paul and his Board Interview tmr. If he fails, I get less free rides home. Hahahaha!!!
K, back to mugging...
*chugs my mug of coffee*
Grins.
Couldn't resist that.
Ah well, but since this blog is all devoted to my babblings, my whinings, my grindings, a place where I get to shamelessly flaunt my self-obsession, here I go, listing the things worth whining about that's gone on in just this one day alone.
Started this morning where I had to improvise when I realised I couldn't screen the video clip for my church service today as I expected. Then I had a chat with Lishan and realised she was in a much worse shape than I had thought. Then at cell, the numbers were ridiculously small, and Der Biao went into a whole big round of sharing abt his life - which I won't mind, if I could see where he was alluding to. Yeah, he was leading worship. Weixiu led a bible study in record time, which prob is worth a bigger shock than anything else. Then I learnt that the new Net-Buddy that Der Biao got to know, and is having "very interesting conversations with" is non other than Meisen!!!! And now he's all interested in reading up more about sociology!!! Then I also pretty much confirmed that Der Biao's after Serene. He was obviously looking for a reason to go to Simon's house, really really obviously. Grins.
Doesn't stop there - I then got to learn that there is a really strong chance that Annie might be interested in me. *faint* Muahahahaha... was thinking - how abt I put Annie and Der Biao together? Grins. Hiak hiak... Then I took a cab to get home, only to leave my wallet on the cab, with my matric card and all!!!! Sigh... Good thing I got it back.
Whoo hoo! I now have abt 3 hours left of time to study before my paper tmr, and I sure feel like I might as well go jump in the Singapore River. Shit man... been having non-stop nightmares EVERY NIGHT that I'm gonna screw up everything and end up busking in those MRT tunnels.
Ah well. Just needed to let off some steam. Oh, its Weimin, Enhan and Enqi's birthday today. All on the same day. Cool huh? Grins. Hope thoe two are gonna have a good time. Their r/s ain't doing particularly well also.
And oh yeah, prob gotta pray a little for Paul and his Board Interview tmr. If he fails, I get less free rides home. Hahahaha!!!
K, back to mugging...
*chugs my mug of coffee*
Grins.
Couldn't resist that.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Had dinner with Caleb last night, where we spent some time just catching up with one another, and I think I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I always thought him to be one of those really rare people ard that I feel is the real thing. Its always rare to find such people arpound, those whom I can just sit ard and feel like I can trust him to say what he really means.
We were talking abt relationships, and how we both are a sucker for all the wrong kindda girls. Those who are cute, but have very little else to offer. We were also just sharing abt our failed relationships, and the condition of the church currently. I shared with him how I seem to have failed in everything that I've been doing so far, and how sometimes regrets are inevitable despite what pple say to encourage me.
Before that I was with Paul, who I guess was feeling rather down. He was telling me he was pretty much certain abt going into jail. Sometimes I really dunno how much to believe of what he says. Or how much to read into what he says. Dammit man, he's increasingly becoming the woman in the relationship. I think guys were meant to just sit ard, chug beer and tell jokes, and pretend that the earth's still spinning perfectly fine, and our lives are all getting along real well.
Grins. Speaking of which, I think Priscelia Chan's really pretty. Been seeing quite a bit of her on TV lately, and thinking that she actaully looks really amazing, at least on screen. Ah well. Since I'm thinking abt imposibilities aka Michelle Chia, I might as well spread my net ard the area...
Grins. After all, Paul's pining for a girl that is impossible to get, simply cos he's too big a wuss to ever tell her straight, so we can both sit ard and think abt the impossibilities.
Impossiblities... Possibilities...
Dammit man. I'm really talking absolute nonsense tonight. Good thing no one knows abt this blog...
We were talking abt relationships, and how we both are a sucker for all the wrong kindda girls. Those who are cute, but have very little else to offer. We were also just sharing abt our failed relationships, and the condition of the church currently. I shared with him how I seem to have failed in everything that I've been doing so far, and how sometimes regrets are inevitable despite what pple say to encourage me.
Before that I was with Paul, who I guess was feeling rather down. He was telling me he was pretty much certain abt going into jail. Sometimes I really dunno how much to believe of what he says. Or how much to read into what he says. Dammit man, he's increasingly becoming the woman in the relationship. I think guys were meant to just sit ard, chug beer and tell jokes, and pretend that the earth's still spinning perfectly fine, and our lives are all getting along real well.
Grins. Speaking of which, I think Priscelia Chan's really pretty. Been seeing quite a bit of her on TV lately, and thinking that she actaully looks really amazing, at least on screen. Ah well. Since I'm thinking abt imposibilities aka Michelle Chia, I might as well spread my net ard the area...
Grins. After all, Paul's pining for a girl that is impossible to get, simply cos he's too big a wuss to ever tell her straight, so we can both sit ard and think abt the impossibilities.
Impossiblities... Possibilities...
Dammit man. I'm really talking absolute nonsense tonight. Good thing no one knows abt this blog...
Saturday, April 03, 2004
There was a lot that went through my mind in the last 36 hours or so. Marcus' dad passed away, and I only received word yesterday afternoon that the wake was in the evening. I cancelled my dinner appointment and went down, and it more or less expectedly turned into a class gathering.
I guess funerals are the time where one is forced to consider one's mortality, and inevitably for me, I recall what left such a deep impression on me at my uncle's funeral recently - that ultimately, its not abt how much I've accomplished, but how many lives I've touched. See, there I was feeling so sorry for myself that at 25, I've got nothing to show for my life. Yet I remembered at the funeral was that what I wanted to hear at my eulogy, was not what I've accomplished in my life, but how many people can go up and say how I've made a difference in theirs.
Ironically, class gatherings are also the time where we sit around and catch up, inevitably a time where we assess how 'successful' some have become over others. So there I was, in that setting, and feeling the sheer irony of it all, that two such polemical paradigms could exits within the same act of being there for a friend in need.
I also got to meet Serene, one of the first girls I really felt bowled over by. Never did have the courage to speak to her in school, cos she always seemed so out of reach for me, even as a friend. This was the first time I even had a conversation with her, and she still had what it takes to really take my breath away. Of course, given the whole situation, it was wildly inappropriate to be pursuing that train of thought there, so even then I never had a chance to say much to her. Didn't allow myself to either. But yeah, it was one of those things that made me go home with a sense of wistfulness, wondering how things could have been. She just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 4 yrs just 5 days ago, to add insult to injury. Hehz... *shrug* C'est la vie...
I just returned from watching The Passion Of the Christ. Passion. The same word in the Latin that is translated as "suffering". And what the movie portrayed was pretty much that. One cannot help but shed at least a tear while watching all that Christ went through. Everything from the sheer physical pain, to the rejection by those he loved, and the scorn of those who never had anything to do with him, it was a movie where you really just had no words to speak right after it ended. I always thought I had a comment or two abt everything, yet the show left me totally speechless for some time after it ended. Literally. I walked out of the cinema with my cell in silence, my mind whirling with so many thoughts. Interestingly enough, by then there was very little emotionalism left, just the sense of tiredness at having watched something so graphic, and knowing that every bit of what we saw was true. And a recollection of all the thoughts that had gone on in my mind throughout the 2.5 hrs that the movie lasted.
I guess with the communion coming up this Sunday, there couldn't have been a more apt time to watch it, at least for me. Lotsa food for thought. Esp since I'm leading worship.
My pastor just suddenly broke down in her email to my cell group, describing the stress that she was going through, the fears she had, and the weight of all that she's feeling even in her personal life. I felt a little awed, actually, in the context of my church, that a pastor would be willing to open up to a cell with her emotions and her fears. Its either testament to the fact that she really is quite different from all the other pastors in my church, or else testament to how extraordinarily stressful the youth ministry is right now.
I'm not thinking properly now. Its already 2, and I still haven't prepared worship. Gotta wake up in 6 hr's time. Better go now.
I guess funerals are the time where one is forced to consider one's mortality, and inevitably for me, I recall what left such a deep impression on me at my uncle's funeral recently - that ultimately, its not abt how much I've accomplished, but how many lives I've touched. See, there I was feeling so sorry for myself that at 25, I've got nothing to show for my life. Yet I remembered at the funeral was that what I wanted to hear at my eulogy, was not what I've accomplished in my life, but how many people can go up and say how I've made a difference in theirs.
Ironically, class gatherings are also the time where we sit around and catch up, inevitably a time where we assess how 'successful' some have become over others. So there I was, in that setting, and feeling the sheer irony of it all, that two such polemical paradigms could exits within the same act of being there for a friend in need.
I also got to meet Serene, one of the first girls I really felt bowled over by. Never did have the courage to speak to her in school, cos she always seemed so out of reach for me, even as a friend. This was the first time I even had a conversation with her, and she still had what it takes to really take my breath away. Of course, given the whole situation, it was wildly inappropriate to be pursuing that train of thought there, so even then I never had a chance to say much to her. Didn't allow myself to either. But yeah, it was one of those things that made me go home with a sense of wistfulness, wondering how things could have been. She just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 4 yrs just 5 days ago, to add insult to injury. Hehz... *shrug* C'est la vie...
I just returned from watching The Passion Of the Christ. Passion. The same word in the Latin that is translated as "suffering". And what the movie portrayed was pretty much that. One cannot help but shed at least a tear while watching all that Christ went through. Everything from the sheer physical pain, to the rejection by those he loved, and the scorn of those who never had anything to do with him, it was a movie where you really just had no words to speak right after it ended. I always thought I had a comment or two abt everything, yet the show left me totally speechless for some time after it ended. Literally. I walked out of the cinema with my cell in silence, my mind whirling with so many thoughts. Interestingly enough, by then there was very little emotionalism left, just the sense of tiredness at having watched something so graphic, and knowing that every bit of what we saw was true. And a recollection of all the thoughts that had gone on in my mind throughout the 2.5 hrs that the movie lasted.
I guess with the communion coming up this Sunday, there couldn't have been a more apt time to watch it, at least for me. Lotsa food for thought. Esp since I'm leading worship.
My pastor just suddenly broke down in her email to my cell group, describing the stress that she was going through, the fears she had, and the weight of all that she's feeling even in her personal life. I felt a little awed, actually, in the context of my church, that a pastor would be willing to open up to a cell with her emotions and her fears. Its either testament to the fact that she really is quite different from all the other pastors in my church, or else testament to how extraordinarily stressful the youth ministry is right now.
I'm not thinking properly now. Its already 2, and I still haven't prepared worship. Gotta wake up in 6 hr's time. Better go now.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Can't believe its been more than a week already. Time certainly flies when you've got a lot on your mind. Last week was when Ravi came to town, and its been a time where I had to go back to some of the thoughts that shaped a big part of the way I looked at my faith, and to reflect on how far I've come since.
He spoke on a topic abt "Recapturing Wonder... Living Life To The Fullest", and I think that may have proved to be the most apt topic for me in a long, long time... Last time he came was 4 yrs ago, right before I've started NUS, and where ideals were again raised up within me, seeing university life as a chance at a fresh start after the dreariness of NS. Little did I expect that 4 yrs down the road, I'd have become so disillusioned, and so blind to all that I had held up not so long ago. I was set wondering what had gone wrong. Was it cos of my failure in my relationship? Was it cos of my dramatic failures in my studies? I think its neither. I think it actually is because in my 4 yrs of blind service to God, I've forgotten to take time out for God. I looked at my journals that I've started and abandoned over the past 4 yrs, and realised that I've not been able to keep a consistent quiet time of more than 2 months, before I'd drop the practice again.
So much for relying on God in all my 4 yrs.
Couple of weeks ago, before Ravi, I wrote abt cynicism and how I believe that ultimately it has to do with the fact that I allowed the vission of this world to cloud my vision of God. Something Ravi said really caught me. He said - "The only way to transcend the physical and the sensual while retaining their essential features is to bind them to the sacred." What he basically meant is that the only way for the things we see ard us, what we label as "reality", can only be overcome if we acknowledge that its real, through the perspective of God's presence and God's greater reality. I think that's what I allowed to happen to myself. I've learnt to see things detached from God's reality. So I construct for myself two sets of "realities", one where God reigns supreme - that's what I preach on the pulpit on sundays, and one where the axioms I proclaim on sundays inevitably falls short - what I espouse in my everyday life.
Maybe that's why my whole week goes by in such confusion and depression, and I find myself unable to experience the joy of the Christian. I can appreciate the long-suffering that a Christian goes through, and even the fulfillment that results from my faithfulness, but somehow that joy has always managed to elude me. And if joy is supposed to be central to the Christian faith, then I shd be having a different experience from what I'm having now. Its one thing to have someone say how nice a person I am, yet I think its a totally different thing for someone to tell me that they see the joy of the Lord in me.
Think this thought shall stick with me for a while...
Pondering...
Reflecting...
Praying...
He spoke on a topic abt "Recapturing Wonder... Living Life To The Fullest", and I think that may have proved to be the most apt topic for me in a long, long time... Last time he came was 4 yrs ago, right before I've started NUS, and where ideals were again raised up within me, seeing university life as a chance at a fresh start after the dreariness of NS. Little did I expect that 4 yrs down the road, I'd have become so disillusioned, and so blind to all that I had held up not so long ago. I was set wondering what had gone wrong. Was it cos of my failure in my relationship? Was it cos of my dramatic failures in my studies? I think its neither. I think it actually is because in my 4 yrs of blind service to God, I've forgotten to take time out for God. I looked at my journals that I've started and abandoned over the past 4 yrs, and realised that I've not been able to keep a consistent quiet time of more than 2 months, before I'd drop the practice again.
So much for relying on God in all my 4 yrs.
Couple of weeks ago, before Ravi, I wrote abt cynicism and how I believe that ultimately it has to do with the fact that I allowed the vission of this world to cloud my vision of God. Something Ravi said really caught me. He said - "The only way to transcend the physical and the sensual while retaining their essential features is to bind them to the sacred." What he basically meant is that the only way for the things we see ard us, what we label as "reality", can only be overcome if we acknowledge that its real, through the perspective of God's presence and God's greater reality. I think that's what I allowed to happen to myself. I've learnt to see things detached from God's reality. So I construct for myself two sets of "realities", one where God reigns supreme - that's what I preach on the pulpit on sundays, and one where the axioms I proclaim on sundays inevitably falls short - what I espouse in my everyday life.
Maybe that's why my whole week goes by in such confusion and depression, and I find myself unable to experience the joy of the Christian. I can appreciate the long-suffering that a Christian goes through, and even the fulfillment that results from my faithfulness, but somehow that joy has always managed to elude me. And if joy is supposed to be central to the Christian faith, then I shd be having a different experience from what I'm having now. Its one thing to have someone say how nice a person I am, yet I think its a totally different thing for someone to tell me that they see the joy of the Lord in me.
Think this thought shall stick with me for a while...
Pondering...
Reflecting...
Praying...
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
You know, there are good days and there are bad days. This is an I-Don't-Know day. What kindda day is that, you ask? Well, I Don't Know. So there.
Ha.
Ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Crap. Bored out of my skin, that's what I am, trying desperately hard to squeeze life out of phonetics and argumentations. English sometimes can be even more foreign than Yiddish. Mostly, that happens the minute I'm supposed to use it in an academic sense. I usually have no problems with my grammar until my tuition kids asks me something, after which I suddenly don't know what the hell is the correct way of saying it. And I usually have no problems with my pronunciation or the way I like to articulate my argument, till Dr A, my lecturer, asks me why I choose this method of argumentation over another, and to name me the apparent fallacies in my own argument. Bloody hell, if I had KNOWN what the fallacies were, why the hell would I have believed in that argument? You'd think someone with that much studying under her belt would have knwon the meaning of the term "blind spot". But nnnooooo.... not so.
Wonder if the after effects of my fever, but I'm feeling decidedly waspish today, and irritable. Also feeling really err... there's no equivalent to the word "sian". Expresses a whole range of words within. So there I go. This blog is turning out into the perfect whine page man... I come on and feel sorry for myself for no apparent reason, then try my hardest to go back to study. Then once I start studying, I suddenly remember why I'm feeling so sorry for myself.
Turn back the clock. Yeah, its one of those days. If I could turn back the clock 4 yrs... Just 4 yrs... 4 ruddy years that could well now cost me the rest of my life. When the hell did 4 yrs have the power to do that? How can screwing up for 4 yrs screw me up for life? All of a sudden, the world I live in seems so unforgiving.
You know what, just turn it back 26 yrs. Then make sure my parents weren't horny enough to have given birth to me. Mebbe that's a better solution, if we could turn back the clock to begin with.
Shit. Need to feel less irritable.
Happy thoughts, Peng.
Raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens...
Rotten tomatoes and newly culled chickens...
Oops. Got away there for a while.
Grins.
Ha.
Ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Crap. Bored out of my skin, that's what I am, trying desperately hard to squeeze life out of phonetics and argumentations. English sometimes can be even more foreign than Yiddish. Mostly, that happens the minute I'm supposed to use it in an academic sense. I usually have no problems with my grammar until my tuition kids asks me something, after which I suddenly don't know what the hell is the correct way of saying it. And I usually have no problems with my pronunciation or the way I like to articulate my argument, till Dr A, my lecturer, asks me why I choose this method of argumentation over another, and to name me the apparent fallacies in my own argument. Bloody hell, if I had KNOWN what the fallacies were, why the hell would I have believed in that argument? You'd think someone with that much studying under her belt would have knwon the meaning of the term "blind spot". But nnnooooo.... not so.
Wonder if the after effects of my fever, but I'm feeling decidedly waspish today, and irritable. Also feeling really err... there's no equivalent to the word "sian". Expresses a whole range of words within. So there I go. This blog is turning out into the perfect whine page man... I come on and feel sorry for myself for no apparent reason, then try my hardest to go back to study. Then once I start studying, I suddenly remember why I'm feeling so sorry for myself.
Turn back the clock. Yeah, its one of those days. If I could turn back the clock 4 yrs... Just 4 yrs... 4 ruddy years that could well now cost me the rest of my life. When the hell did 4 yrs have the power to do that? How can screwing up for 4 yrs screw me up for life? All of a sudden, the world I live in seems so unforgiving.
You know what, just turn it back 26 yrs. Then make sure my parents weren't horny enough to have given birth to me. Mebbe that's a better solution, if we could turn back the clock to begin with.
Shit. Need to feel less irritable.
Happy thoughts, Peng.
Raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens...
Rotten tomatoes and newly culled chickens...
Oops. Got away there for a while.
Grins.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Who am I?
No, I'm not being melodramatic, mad, or listening to Les Miserables while feeling lonely and miserable (yes, all your people out there.. wince at my humour...), but a poem, written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
Who Am I
Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell’s confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.
Sometimes I feel like I've moved on from not knowing what I want, to simply not knowing who I am. I still remember that a fav topic of a female staff in Campus Crusade when I was just a freshman, was on the question of my Identity in Christ. And it seemed that for the 2 subsequent years that I've gotten to know Charis, that topic invariably came up. And now I wonder if it wasn't such a bad idea after all, that she kept harping about it.
There are mainly 2 reasons for repeating something all the time - you either hope to drill it into the minds of people, or else it os the other - you seek to keep reminding yourself. And sometimes when I question who I am, when measured up against what I desire out of life nowadays, I really don't know who I am anymore. Days when I feel like what he said - weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making.
Poeple ask me what's wrong, and I don't know. Am just feeling really heavy hearted, like I'm an 80 yr old man with the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I'd feel utterly silly saying that, knowing the real burdens that some people actually shoulder. Yet in my mind, my burden's as heavy, and as without a name or a form. The only thing that seems real about it is the weight it leaves in my mind and my shoulders.
I shd have been born an idiot. That way I'd weep more over the death of Kurt Cobain than I would feel any weight at all on my shoulders. Airheads tend to be pretty light after all. Grins.
No, I'm not being melodramatic, mad, or listening to Les Miserables while feeling lonely and miserable (yes, all your people out there.. wince at my humour...), but a poem, written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
Who Am I
Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell’s confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.
Sometimes I feel like I've moved on from not knowing what I want, to simply not knowing who I am. I still remember that a fav topic of a female staff in Campus Crusade when I was just a freshman, was on the question of my Identity in Christ. And it seemed that for the 2 subsequent years that I've gotten to know Charis, that topic invariably came up. And now I wonder if it wasn't such a bad idea after all, that she kept harping about it.
There are mainly 2 reasons for repeating something all the time - you either hope to drill it into the minds of people, or else it os the other - you seek to keep reminding yourself. And sometimes when I question who I am, when measured up against what I desire out of life nowadays, I really don't know who I am anymore. Days when I feel like what he said - weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making.
Poeple ask me what's wrong, and I don't know. Am just feeling really heavy hearted, like I'm an 80 yr old man with the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I'd feel utterly silly saying that, knowing the real burdens that some people actually shoulder. Yet in my mind, my burden's as heavy, and as without a name or a form. The only thing that seems real about it is the weight it leaves in my mind and my shoulders.
I shd have been born an idiot. That way I'd weep more over the death of Kurt Cobain than I would feel any weight at all on my shoulders. Airheads tend to be pretty light after all. Grins.
Friday, March 19, 2004
Wow... to think its friday already. And it feels like I just penned the previous blog only last night. Well, what have I done this week? Err... come to think of it, very little. Been down with a fever most of the week, and mostly spent it in bed with a really bad bodyache.
You know, there are days when I'm whiny, and days when I'm just downright depressed. Mostly depressed cos I'm disappointed with myself. How did I let myself end up this way? It all started going downhill from NS, when my work attitude and work ethic started evaporating in the midst of my environment, and that mostly stayed with me into NUS. And so today, I reap the consequences of a habit I had sown almost 7 yrs ago. Faced with a broken relationship, and the semi-real prospect that I might not be graduating at all, a contract that was terminated, and the dawning realisation that at 25 yrs of age I'm still dependant on my family to support me... man!!! Just what the hell is wrong with me??? My greatest fear is that I'm gonna end up at a MacDonald's joint, or as a taxi driver, and become the example that every parent in church uses to warn their kids that they need to work hard to avoid being a classical underachiever.
I actually told myself that if I were born in a rich family, it'd be a lot easier to solve things. Heck, I even managed to convince myself that if I were filthy rich, the perfect scenario instead of going full-time would be to keep being a student, and thus keeping myself free to serve in church. Sounds cool huh? At least I won't have to fret anymore abt taking my parents' retirement money to support myself, or go study again. Shit man. Money sure solves a heck of a lotta problems. Is my obsession with money craven? I don't know.
Today's QT says "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Prov 19:21
So what in the world is your purpose, Lord? Could it be possible to so screw up that Your purposes don't get fulfilled simply because your good purposes needs to be worked at to achieve? And since I'm so darned lazy and unable to work at anything, therefore nothing good will come out of it?
I picture myself at 30 yrs old, without a stable job, without a wife, without any achievements, and with my fellowship in church just about totally disintegrated, and I wonder if there's really gonna be anything worth living for beyond 30 yrs old. Didn't it use to be a heck of a lot easier? Before I entered NS, I was full of ideals, and full of zeal for the Lord. I had the zest to do a lotta stuff. Now I find myself a lot more cynical. I once thought I was merely wiser, yet I now recognize I am but cynical. That true wisdom allows for much belief in ideals and dreams, that this world rejects. Paul's blog mentions the relationship between adulthood and maturity, but I think there is a big difference between worldly maturity and Godly wisdom. Inevitably, worldly maturity brings about the loss of much innocence, and the onset of cynicism. Godly wisdom maintains a fear of the Lord, and the childlike faith that believes the lofty ideals of a 5 yr old is still as valid at 50. Or mebbe that's just my understanding of the way the world works for me.
Of course, this is where Paul will make his comments at what I fail to understand of his predicament, and what he is thinking.
Grins.
You know, there are days when I'm whiny, and days when I'm just downright depressed. Mostly depressed cos I'm disappointed with myself. How did I let myself end up this way? It all started going downhill from NS, when my work attitude and work ethic started evaporating in the midst of my environment, and that mostly stayed with me into NUS. And so today, I reap the consequences of a habit I had sown almost 7 yrs ago. Faced with a broken relationship, and the semi-real prospect that I might not be graduating at all, a contract that was terminated, and the dawning realisation that at 25 yrs of age I'm still dependant on my family to support me... man!!! Just what the hell is wrong with me??? My greatest fear is that I'm gonna end up at a MacDonald's joint, or as a taxi driver, and become the example that every parent in church uses to warn their kids that they need to work hard to avoid being a classical underachiever.
I actually told myself that if I were born in a rich family, it'd be a lot easier to solve things. Heck, I even managed to convince myself that if I were filthy rich, the perfect scenario instead of going full-time would be to keep being a student, and thus keeping myself free to serve in church. Sounds cool huh? At least I won't have to fret anymore abt taking my parents' retirement money to support myself, or go study again. Shit man. Money sure solves a heck of a lotta problems. Is my obsession with money craven? I don't know.
Today's QT says "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Prov 19:21
So what in the world is your purpose, Lord? Could it be possible to so screw up that Your purposes don't get fulfilled simply because your good purposes needs to be worked at to achieve? And since I'm so darned lazy and unable to work at anything, therefore nothing good will come out of it?
I picture myself at 30 yrs old, without a stable job, without a wife, without any achievements, and with my fellowship in church just about totally disintegrated, and I wonder if there's really gonna be anything worth living for beyond 30 yrs old. Didn't it use to be a heck of a lot easier? Before I entered NS, I was full of ideals, and full of zeal for the Lord. I had the zest to do a lotta stuff. Now I find myself a lot more cynical. I once thought I was merely wiser, yet I now recognize I am but cynical. That true wisdom allows for much belief in ideals and dreams, that this world rejects. Paul's blog mentions the relationship between adulthood and maturity, but I think there is a big difference between worldly maturity and Godly wisdom. Inevitably, worldly maturity brings about the loss of much innocence, and the onset of cynicism. Godly wisdom maintains a fear of the Lord, and the childlike faith that believes the lofty ideals of a 5 yr old is still as valid at 50. Or mebbe that's just my understanding of the way the world works for me.
Of course, this is where Paul will make his comments at what I fail to understand of his predicament, and what he is thinking.
Grins.
Monday, March 15, 2004
I just finished reading an entire book in one sitting. "Tuesdays with Morrie". Its pretty well known. Ironically, I only got down to reading it cos I ended up having an afternoon to kill, and was walking past a bookshop. So I decided to see what the big hoo-ha was all about. Its a fascinating read, with all the feel-good ingredients that you'd want to find, inspirations about what's really important in life, aphorisms that you'd find in "Chicken Soup For The Soul", and for me, a subsumed point of how life can start all over again even at the age of 37. Right before I started on the book, I was listening to songs such as Iris, Sad Clown, When God Ran... etc. Songs of either loneliness, or of redemption. And Mitch Albom, the author of the book, found redemption once again in the last months of an old man in his seventies.
Ironically, I'm now in the process of writing a paper about the search for meaning in life. And when I close the book, I find myself once again stuck between two worlds. One of cynicism that chooses to see how everything can grey itself out, where things become a lot more complicated than the simple aphorisms that Morrie espoused in his dying days, or I can be a lot more naive and simply accept that its possible to live out those principles, and that life doesn't have to be as complicated as we make it out to be. On a good day in church, I'm the naive person. On a bad day, I sneer at the prescriptivism of those values, while inwardly wistfully holding out to some hope that what they claim is possible, if I could but see things differently.
What is it about people who can live out lives of such simplicity, and still be able to touch people's lives at a level that I can't understand? Last night Weixiu told me that people in church find me hard to understand, that I think too much. I shudder to think how my church people would react to half the Arts Faculty in NUS. Me? Half the time I hardly think, but just throw things off the top of my head without much processing, operating on an instinct that's more often way off course than not. And yet, I have to admit that I believe I think more about life than most people in church, including Weixiu. Yet at the end of the day, she's the one who's probably managed to make a positive difference in people's lives than I have been. People come to me only when they're in deep shit. People go to her all the time. I'm like a pill that some of my friends pop when they have a headache, after which I'm put back into the cold storage to await the next time I'm needed. People like to reach for hope, and she gives them that. Most of the time, I prefer to hide behind a mask of cynicism, while she manages to be unabashed by her brand of optimism. I guess that's why most people go to her.
Not that this is a self-pitying session, or a time to renew my bitching. I'm just genuinely confused. Does this world have to be as complicated as I make it out to be? Was Jesus' world really as complicated as the way I made it out. Was His mind really thinking of, and aware of the things that I seem to think? Half the time when Paul's in his moods, and he poses his questions in the bleakest manner possible, was that real? Or issit actually possible to be so concerned with Kingdom Matters that all else, will like the song says "And the things of this earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and Grace".
Nor is this cos I'm feeling down. Hey, anything in the light of Paul's problems, will also grow strangely dim. Grins. And there's my analogy. Is it possible for my mind to be so preoccupied with what's on God's heart, that all else, that I now seem to not be able to help but see, will seem unimportant, and of no weight? So that all the Christian axioms will actually seem more real and plausible than the worldly troubles and complications that seem to engulf everything.
TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS
O soul, are you weary and troubled
No light in the darkness you see
There's a light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conquerors we are
His Word shall not fail you - He promised
Believe Him and all will be well
Then go to a world that is dying
His perfect salvation to tell
Ironically, I'm now in the process of writing a paper about the search for meaning in life. And when I close the book, I find myself once again stuck between two worlds. One of cynicism that chooses to see how everything can grey itself out, where things become a lot more complicated than the simple aphorisms that Morrie espoused in his dying days, or I can be a lot more naive and simply accept that its possible to live out those principles, and that life doesn't have to be as complicated as we make it out to be. On a good day in church, I'm the naive person. On a bad day, I sneer at the prescriptivism of those values, while inwardly wistfully holding out to some hope that what they claim is possible, if I could but see things differently.
What is it about people who can live out lives of such simplicity, and still be able to touch people's lives at a level that I can't understand? Last night Weixiu told me that people in church find me hard to understand, that I think too much. I shudder to think how my church people would react to half the Arts Faculty in NUS. Me? Half the time I hardly think, but just throw things off the top of my head without much processing, operating on an instinct that's more often way off course than not. And yet, I have to admit that I believe I think more about life than most people in church, including Weixiu. Yet at the end of the day, she's the one who's probably managed to make a positive difference in people's lives than I have been. People come to me only when they're in deep shit. People go to her all the time. I'm like a pill that some of my friends pop when they have a headache, after which I'm put back into the cold storage to await the next time I'm needed. People like to reach for hope, and she gives them that. Most of the time, I prefer to hide behind a mask of cynicism, while she manages to be unabashed by her brand of optimism. I guess that's why most people go to her.
Not that this is a self-pitying session, or a time to renew my bitching. I'm just genuinely confused. Does this world have to be as complicated as I make it out to be? Was Jesus' world really as complicated as the way I made it out. Was His mind really thinking of, and aware of the things that I seem to think? Half the time when Paul's in his moods, and he poses his questions in the bleakest manner possible, was that real? Or issit actually possible to be so concerned with Kingdom Matters that all else, will like the song says "And the things of this earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and Grace".
Nor is this cos I'm feeling down. Hey, anything in the light of Paul's problems, will also grow strangely dim. Grins. And there's my analogy. Is it possible for my mind to be so preoccupied with what's on God's heart, that all else, that I now seem to not be able to help but see, will seem unimportant, and of no weight? So that all the Christian axioms will actually seem more real and plausible than the worldly troubles and complications that seem to engulf everything.
TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS
O soul, are you weary and troubled
No light in the darkness you see
There's a light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conquerors we are
His Word shall not fail you - He promised
Believe Him and all will be well
Then go to a world that is dying
His perfect salvation to tell
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
You know, sometimes, you're just absolutely baffled by how you think you know someone pretty well now, only to realise you don't know the person at all. I mean, throw in the fact that you've sorta known him since you were born, shared every secret, every dream... even every joy, pain, glory and shame. Yet, after all this... I've come to realise that I still dunno myself at all. Grins.
Just a couple of days ago Paul nearly just broke down when again his ex decided to treat him like the way she treats just about everyone about her - like nothing. And he finally confessed that he's still not over her, even after more than 2 yrs. And that really got me thinking - So how big a bastard am I, that I really don't feel as strongly towards Grace, even though we spent 4 yrs together? Or is it just that Paul's a bigger moron than I am, that he's still unable to get over Jos? I mean, lotsa pple come up to me and said that they think I'm better off without Grace. Well, wait till they see Jos man... Grace would seem like an angel beside me, compared to Jos. Sorry Paul, the truth hurts... hehz...
So would I actually ever treat Grace like Paul treats Jos, if ever she tries to come back to my life? I like to think Grace has a bit more backbone, and even if not, she still has Andrew. So either way, I don't see her coming back into my life unless she has a major fallout with Andrew. But would I allow her back? I mean, I'm trying to picture how hard it is for Paul to turn Jos away if she calls him up, crying, and says she needs a friend. And I think - yeah, I'd probably also agree to be there for her. But I think I'm probably a lot more bitter about my breakup than Paul was, so I think in a big way, that resentment will actually help me stay away from getting back with her.
Dammit. Now I'm the bad guy. Hehz... sigh... back to my mugging, I guess. Lotsa deadlines these 2 weeks to meet. Man Utd just crashed out of the Euro Cup due to sheer stupidity. Help.
Just a couple of days ago Paul nearly just broke down when again his ex decided to treat him like the way she treats just about everyone about her - like nothing. And he finally confessed that he's still not over her, even after more than 2 yrs. And that really got me thinking - So how big a bastard am I, that I really don't feel as strongly towards Grace, even though we spent 4 yrs together? Or is it just that Paul's a bigger moron than I am, that he's still unable to get over Jos? I mean, lotsa pple come up to me and said that they think I'm better off without Grace. Well, wait till they see Jos man... Grace would seem like an angel beside me, compared to Jos. Sorry Paul, the truth hurts... hehz...
So would I actually ever treat Grace like Paul treats Jos, if ever she tries to come back to my life? I like to think Grace has a bit more backbone, and even if not, she still has Andrew. So either way, I don't see her coming back into my life unless she has a major fallout with Andrew. But would I allow her back? I mean, I'm trying to picture how hard it is for Paul to turn Jos away if she calls him up, crying, and says she needs a friend. And I think - yeah, I'd probably also agree to be there for her. But I think I'm probably a lot more bitter about my breakup than Paul was, so I think in a big way, that resentment will actually help me stay away from getting back with her.
Dammit. Now I'm the bad guy. Hehz... sigh... back to my mugging, I guess. Lotsa deadlines these 2 weeks to meet. Man Utd just crashed out of the Euro Cup due to sheer stupidity. Help.
Monday, March 08, 2004
Its Monday morning. Again. And cell again left me troubled. Troubled because bible study inevitably presents such a black and white picture of the way the world is. Something that once I step out of church, I find myself unable to match up with reality. Why is that so? Why is it that inside church, at bible study, its so easy to have an alternative perspective, and be convinced that it’s the right perspective? Am I just slightly less gullible than the Christian who takes these platitudes into their weekday life, and actually believe its do-able? I who simply take it in on Sunday, but go back to the week and see how it doesn’t work – am I then less gullible? Or simply less teachable? Does my inability to maintain that perspective therefore mean I actually don’t love God, and so am unable to value Him and His ways above the realities of the world?
Talk abt a quarter-life crisis man. Here I am at 25, without a degree, without a job, without a driving license, without a girl, without any real confidence that I’ll graduate, without a clue what I’m gonna do with my life… I guess apart from being born without hands, feet, arms, legs, nose, eyes, etc… that’s abt as bad as my life can get… So who am I to stand on the pulpit and lead the congregation in worship, and tell them to let God take control of their life? My own life, in the mess that its in, seem to offer no indication at all that I’ve let God lead. And of course, I who once loved to advocate living a life that leaves no room for regret has ironically come to regret so much abt the past 4-5yrs of my life, which I absolutely blew.
Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me I'm the lonely one
I live in shame
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down, I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around to love in vain
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
And I feel the time is right although I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do
But I have to take this chance goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you
Come on now
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
And the weather is looking fine, and I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end.
What a great song man. I listened to the version by Lisa Loeb. Loved it. Its got absolutely nothing to do with romance, actually. Talks abt an end of things, and I think Lisa Loeb did an absolutely brilliant job with it. It’s a raining Monday morning, and this will be the song of the week for me.
Yeah.
Talk abt a quarter-life crisis man. Here I am at 25, without a degree, without a job, without a driving license, without a girl, without any real confidence that I’ll graduate, without a clue what I’m gonna do with my life… I guess apart from being born without hands, feet, arms, legs, nose, eyes, etc… that’s abt as bad as my life can get… So who am I to stand on the pulpit and lead the congregation in worship, and tell them to let God take control of their life? My own life, in the mess that its in, seem to offer no indication at all that I’ve let God lead. And of course, I who once loved to advocate living a life that leaves no room for regret has ironically come to regret so much abt the past 4-5yrs of my life, which I absolutely blew.
Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me I'm the lonely one
I live in shame
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down, I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around to love in vain
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
And I feel the time is right although I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do
But I have to take this chance goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you
Come on now
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end
And the weather is looking fine, and I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again
I said hey, goodbye to romance. Yeah,
Goodbye to friends, I tell you
Goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet, we'll meet in the end.
What a great song man. I listened to the version by Lisa Loeb. Loved it. Its got absolutely nothing to do with romance, actually. Talks abt an end of things, and I think Lisa Loeb did an absolutely brilliant job with it. It’s a raining Monday morning, and this will be the song of the week for me.
Yeah.
Friday, March 05, 2004
My God... can't believe I forgot abt Weimin's results... I SO need to get out of my own little depression and get back to recognizing that outside, pple's lives are still moving on...
She didn't do as well as she expected... Shit man. I really dunno what to say to her. Or even what to do. Help. Leave her alone? Msg her something encouraging? Sigh... I SO suck at this...
Gonna be a really hectic weekend ahead. And I dun think right now I'm seeing God very clearly. Gonna have to try to buck up.
She didn't do as well as she expected... Shit man. I really dunno what to say to her. Or even what to do. Help. Leave her alone? Msg her something encouraging? Sigh... I SO suck at this...
Gonna be a really hectic weekend ahead. And I dun think right now I'm seeing God very clearly. Gonna have to try to buck up.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Guess what - I've come full circle again abt needing a girlfriend. I mean, right now, when I really don't have anything in my life that I can boast abt, the time when I feel like the perfect loser, now's the most appropriate time for a girl to show that she can really love me. That she really loves me for who I am, not what I stand for, not what I do, not what I have... etc.
Really ironic that today, our DG topic was on sexual purity, and the context was very much sexual purity in a r/s. I'll be the first to confess that physical intimacy remains one of the reasons why I want to get into a relationship (and a pretty big reason at that, too), yet it also is one of the big reasons why I don't dare to get into one right now. Unless I date a girl with only one arm, one leg and no face, I'm not sure whether I'll have the self control with any girl that I go out with, to not make the mistakes that I made with Grace. Maybe I'm the kindda guy who needs to just date for less than a yr and get married. That way I limit the potential to do more wrong.
Is that a good enough reason to keep me from dating? In my case, I think so. To embark on a dating relationship now would be tantamount to stepping on to a slippery slope. The potential to do wrong is so great. And of course, a hundred other reasons come to mind - I don't have a degree, I don't have money, and I haven't accomplished anything yet. Would any girl want me? Do I have anything to offer them? Or even to offer the girl's parents, that they dare to trust me with their daughter? Why the hell shd their parents' opinion matter anyway? I mean, I understand the need for parental blessings, but if the objection is based upon skewed values, should we still pay attention to them?
Ok, basically, I just needed to let off some steam. Thus the tirade in front. Slowly, more and more pple are coming to know abt my terminated scholarship. More and more I begin to understand what Paul faces. Its hard to put into words, but you still feel damned shit when pple hear it, and dunno how to look you in the eye anymore. Worse still, some give you the "Hope you've learnt your lesson" look, which is just a really bastard thing to do.
Ah well. Of course, other things on my mind include the ongoing saga with Andrew, and how I dunno what to do. I can avoid him, but he refuses to let it lie, but keeps prodding the leadership, getting them more and more upset with him. How do you steer clear of politics in the church when it keeps knocking on your door? Sometimes, I feel that those pple who appear able to avoid politics totally are simply because they're pushing it into somebody else's plate. Someone inevitably still has to do the dirty work.
Sometimes, I still degenerate and ask myself if I feel so keenly abt loneliness and ministry because of my fallout with Grace, since she's the strongest link I had between BGR and my church ministry. That perhaps I still haven't gotten over the whole episode with Grace, I continually obsess over these two areas in my life.
Loser.
Loser.
Yes, I'm a loser.
So what?
Bah.
Really ironic that today, our DG topic was on sexual purity, and the context was very much sexual purity in a r/s. I'll be the first to confess that physical intimacy remains one of the reasons why I want to get into a relationship (and a pretty big reason at that, too), yet it also is one of the big reasons why I don't dare to get into one right now. Unless I date a girl with only one arm, one leg and no face, I'm not sure whether I'll have the self control with any girl that I go out with, to not make the mistakes that I made with Grace. Maybe I'm the kindda guy who needs to just date for less than a yr and get married. That way I limit the potential to do more wrong.
Is that a good enough reason to keep me from dating? In my case, I think so. To embark on a dating relationship now would be tantamount to stepping on to a slippery slope. The potential to do wrong is so great. And of course, a hundred other reasons come to mind - I don't have a degree, I don't have money, and I haven't accomplished anything yet. Would any girl want me? Do I have anything to offer them? Or even to offer the girl's parents, that they dare to trust me with their daughter? Why the hell shd their parents' opinion matter anyway? I mean, I understand the need for parental blessings, but if the objection is based upon skewed values, should we still pay attention to them?
Ok, basically, I just needed to let off some steam. Thus the tirade in front. Slowly, more and more pple are coming to know abt my terminated scholarship. More and more I begin to understand what Paul faces. Its hard to put into words, but you still feel damned shit when pple hear it, and dunno how to look you in the eye anymore. Worse still, some give you the "Hope you've learnt your lesson" look, which is just a really bastard thing to do.
Ah well. Of course, other things on my mind include the ongoing saga with Andrew, and how I dunno what to do. I can avoid him, but he refuses to let it lie, but keeps prodding the leadership, getting them more and more upset with him. How do you steer clear of politics in the church when it keeps knocking on your door? Sometimes, I feel that those pple who appear able to avoid politics totally are simply because they're pushing it into somebody else's plate. Someone inevitably still has to do the dirty work.
Sometimes, I still degenerate and ask myself if I feel so keenly abt loneliness and ministry because of my fallout with Grace, since she's the strongest link I had between BGR and my church ministry. That perhaps I still haven't gotten over the whole episode with Grace, I continually obsess over these two areas in my life.
Loser.
Loser.
Yes, I'm a loser.
So what?
Bah.
Monday, March 01, 2004
Its a new week, and hopefully I get to start anew. Afresh. Last week was a real bitch. And I for one really didn't know why. Guess the whole funeral thing got to my family, then to me. Its a negative energy that seems to pervade the air, infecting everyone who comes into contact. From my uncle's funeral, to pple in church still being increasingly pissed at each other, to even things like Weimin and Enhan quarelling... hehz... I still haven't found my 24 hrs without any bad news. And what more dramatic way to end the week than to receive news that Syl and Mark broke up... I guess that more than anything summed up what a bad week it was in all.
I feel really stupid sometimes. I allow pple to unwind their problems to me, but I'm like a sponge that just absorbs in all the negative karma, and end up getting depressed over something that's none of my business. Ah well. But part of that abject stupidity lies in the belief that since I care for these pple, it does in a way become my problem. I just need to learn how to keep a proper perspective, and not indulge in my depression.
Had breakfast with Henry on sunday morning. Think he's one brother I really appreciate. One of the few who really makes me feel better. I guess serving in the Levites Ministry would have been a real drag if not for him. As much as Bernice is a real help in so many ways, I still can't really talk to her that much. Mebbe cos she's a girl. Henry's return has really lifted me up. We're both still trying to find our way around in the world, and what to do with our lives.
I told him I feel there's a difference between having meaning in my life, and living my life meaningfully. My meaning in life is found in the fact that I have an eternity to look forward to, which makes living on this earth something that makes sense. Gives me a sense of meaning. Yet, so often, as I'm living each day, the things I do seem so trivial, that it seems almost meaningless. What the hell do I blog for anyway? The things I do - study, work, hang out with pple, talk to others... it sometimes seem so meaningless. Its like what they say in Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless.
Bah.
I think I'm gonna read the book of Revlations this week. I need to regain for myself my perspective of where I'm bound. To look forward, to press on towards the goal, as the Apostle Paul puts it. Mebbe then this week will be the better for it.
I feel really stupid sometimes. I allow pple to unwind their problems to me, but I'm like a sponge that just absorbs in all the negative karma, and end up getting depressed over something that's none of my business. Ah well. But part of that abject stupidity lies in the belief that since I care for these pple, it does in a way become my problem. I just need to learn how to keep a proper perspective, and not indulge in my depression.
Had breakfast with Henry on sunday morning. Think he's one brother I really appreciate. One of the few who really makes me feel better. I guess serving in the Levites Ministry would have been a real drag if not for him. As much as Bernice is a real help in so many ways, I still can't really talk to her that much. Mebbe cos she's a girl. Henry's return has really lifted me up. We're both still trying to find our way around in the world, and what to do with our lives.
I told him I feel there's a difference between having meaning in my life, and living my life meaningfully. My meaning in life is found in the fact that I have an eternity to look forward to, which makes living on this earth something that makes sense. Gives me a sense of meaning. Yet, so often, as I'm living each day, the things I do seem so trivial, that it seems almost meaningless. What the hell do I blog for anyway? The things I do - study, work, hang out with pple, talk to others... it sometimes seem so meaningless. Its like what they say in Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless.
Bah.
I think I'm gonna read the book of Revlations this week. I need to regain for myself my perspective of where I'm bound. To look forward, to press on towards the goal, as the Apostle Paul puts it. Mebbe then this week will be the better for it.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
My uncle has finally been cremated and put to rest. You know, its really funny how I can speak less than ten words to my uncle in ten years, and yet still be affected by his death. I know my dad's definitely a lot more affected than I am by the whole thing. But I guess it was amazing seeing how most of the extended family, even though we hardly see each other, could just pull together to manage the funeral, the wake and the cremation for my aunty. We just arrived, adopted something to do, and helped each other out. I guess I found in the whole experience what I always longed to see in my church, where people who don't see each other very often can still pull together to help one another in the recognition that we're all in the same family.
Paul got slapped with 3 charges. Its more than I expected, and I guess he's feeling the strain of it more than I can begin to comprehend. Nevertheless, I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about myself as well, that my own hits are just waiting to come. What if I can't pass all my modules this sem? I always fail my english modules. What if my own dad falls ill? All the what ifs... Life nowadays seems like the weather. Grey skies, and plenty of heat to go round. My fellowship seems to finally be drawing to a close, with everyone going overseas, including Xiying. I myself am also considering doing so. No new leaders seem to be emerging, and we're all growing up awfully fast. Guess nostalgia's the word they use to describe my feelings. I'm told not to cling to the past, but to look forward, and look ahead. Yet when things seem to get increasingly bad the older I get, can I really help it if I indulge in a time when things were brighter?
I remembered this song which really touched me, about 3 yrs ago when I first heard it. Back then, I thought my problems with Grace in our r/s was a big deal, and I was feeling really troubled by it. Boy, if I had known then how trivial they were in comparison to what Paul and I are now going through, back then it would have been a breeze.
If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to
Cause when I cross over Jordan
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and say You've never let me down
So take me down the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Last night Paul was just telling me how he feels he's really losing the plot. I guess there's not much to say in reply to that. James says "The testing of your faith develops perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." What does 'finish its work mean'? Does that mean there's more to come, but one day it'll all be over? Or does that mean keep at it till the day die? In other words, don't expect any form of reprieve in this life, but its always gonna be so full of shit? Cos if it is, I really envy my uncle, and I pity my aunt. He's gone. He's persevered to the end. And now he's got his reprieve. Barring an act of grace, I still have another 30-40 yrs left to go. Of living hell, if what I'm going through is any form of measurement.
"Hope you in the Lord and renew your strenth, soar you up on eagles' wings," so says a song from Michael Card. Weimin always messages me to tell me tomorrow's going to get better. Is it? I dunno... its increasingly sounding like worn out platitudes. So I usually just grit my teeth and go through the day. Mebbe someday I'll finally find out what I really good at doing, what I really want to do, and my life can take on a greater meaningfulness than it does right now.
Paul got slapped with 3 charges. Its more than I expected, and I guess he's feeling the strain of it more than I can begin to comprehend. Nevertheless, I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about myself as well, that my own hits are just waiting to come. What if I can't pass all my modules this sem? I always fail my english modules. What if my own dad falls ill? All the what ifs... Life nowadays seems like the weather. Grey skies, and plenty of heat to go round. My fellowship seems to finally be drawing to a close, with everyone going overseas, including Xiying. I myself am also considering doing so. No new leaders seem to be emerging, and we're all growing up awfully fast. Guess nostalgia's the word they use to describe my feelings. I'm told not to cling to the past, but to look forward, and look ahead. Yet when things seem to get increasingly bad the older I get, can I really help it if I indulge in a time when things were brighter?
I remembered this song which really touched me, about 3 yrs ago when I first heard it. Back then, I thought my problems with Grace in our r/s was a big deal, and I was feeling really troubled by it. Boy, if I had known then how trivial they were in comparison to what Paul and I are now going through, back then it would have been a breeze.
If You Want Me To
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to
Cause when I cross over Jordan
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and say You've never let me down
So take me down the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Last night Paul was just telling me how he feels he's really losing the plot. I guess there's not much to say in reply to that. James says "The testing of your faith develops perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." What does 'finish its work mean'? Does that mean there's more to come, but one day it'll all be over? Or does that mean keep at it till the day die? In other words, don't expect any form of reprieve in this life, but its always gonna be so full of shit? Cos if it is, I really envy my uncle, and I pity my aunt. He's gone. He's persevered to the end. And now he's got his reprieve. Barring an act of grace, I still have another 30-40 yrs left to go. Of living hell, if what I'm going through is any form of measurement.
"Hope you in the Lord and renew your strenth, soar you up on eagles' wings," so says a song from Michael Card. Weimin always messages me to tell me tomorrow's going to get better. Is it? I dunno... its increasingly sounding like worn out platitudes. So I usually just grit my teeth and go through the day. Mebbe someday I'll finally find out what I really good at doing, what I really want to do, and my life can take on a greater meaningfulness than it does right now.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Been a few days since I entered anything already. Been so absolutely swamped with stuff to do... Feeling really kindda down lately also, dunno why. Today at cell, Chew Chern asked us to name one thing that we wake up and look forward to - either a dream, or an objective of sorts. I find myself thinking: If only I could wake up and go through one day without any bad news... Just one day...
Was just thinking this might be the day... Service went alright, cell group started on time, Lynn's getting over her cousin's suicide... Even had a good albeit brief time talking with Henry abt service in church... Its sunday so Paul's not likely to get into more trouble with both the military and the courts... Then I came home early cos I wasn't feeling too well from my flu - and within five minutes of my reaching home, the phone rang to say my uncle has finally succumbed to his cancer.
Shit.
I was so close... to that 24 hrs where I don't have anything depressive to learn of about anyone around me. That magical 24 hrs shall be what I look forward to this week. In the midst of so much that's going around in church, school, my own personal life... give me a day where I can give thanks without effort Lord. A day when I can look back on and feel good for just about anything and everything that's passed. Indulge me, Lord.
I guess I'm in one of my more pensive moods right now, probably going to be taking some time out to just be alone and do some thinking... about what to do with my life after this whole episode is over. I really wonder sometimes - If I could go back to where I was 4 yrs ago... fresh out of NS, about to enter NUS... to have a fresh start from all the bumbles I've made of my life so far - but I'll have to give up the good about it too, such as getting to know people like Anthony, Paul, Sophie... having learnt so much from my break-up with Grace... and even the chance to know pple like Weixiu and Weimin better... not to mention my service in church, and all that I've come to know about God... would I forfeit everything for a fresh start? Of course, there's a chance that I could still build that up in due time, but would I be willing to risk the good in order to be able to rase the bad? I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather live with my regrets, and thank God for what I have in my life now, than to have a second chance to screw up more badly than the first... hahaha...
Ah well. Gotta go off to my uncle's house soon. Thank God's he's Christian. But he's the "good" uncle from my dad's side... yet he's the one who dies... sigh... Crap. I'll save that piece of angst for another day. Grins.
Was just thinking this might be the day... Service went alright, cell group started on time, Lynn's getting over her cousin's suicide... Even had a good albeit brief time talking with Henry abt service in church... Its sunday so Paul's not likely to get into more trouble with both the military and the courts... Then I came home early cos I wasn't feeling too well from my flu - and within five minutes of my reaching home, the phone rang to say my uncle has finally succumbed to his cancer.
Shit.
I was so close... to that 24 hrs where I don't have anything depressive to learn of about anyone around me. That magical 24 hrs shall be what I look forward to this week. In the midst of so much that's going around in church, school, my own personal life... give me a day where I can give thanks without effort Lord. A day when I can look back on and feel good for just about anything and everything that's passed. Indulge me, Lord.
I guess I'm in one of my more pensive moods right now, probably going to be taking some time out to just be alone and do some thinking... about what to do with my life after this whole episode is over. I really wonder sometimes - If I could go back to where I was 4 yrs ago... fresh out of NS, about to enter NUS... to have a fresh start from all the bumbles I've made of my life so far - but I'll have to give up the good about it too, such as getting to know people like Anthony, Paul, Sophie... having learnt so much from my break-up with Grace... and even the chance to know pple like Weixiu and Weimin better... not to mention my service in church, and all that I've come to know about God... would I forfeit everything for a fresh start? Of course, there's a chance that I could still build that up in due time, but would I be willing to risk the good in order to be able to rase the bad? I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather live with my regrets, and thank God for what I have in my life now, than to have a second chance to screw up more badly than the first... hahaha...
Ah well. Gotta go off to my uncle's house soon. Thank God's he's Christian. But he's the "good" uncle from my dad's side... yet he's the one who dies... sigh... Crap. I'll save that piece of angst for another day. Grins.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. [1]
4 Their voice [2] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
-Psalm 19
Here I am in the Guild House once again, sitting down and reading Psalm 19, while looking out through the window at the sky, the trees, the grass patch, and listening to the birds. Verse 14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight". As I'm so tempted to once again bitch about my life, and about all that's going around me, I guess today I'm going to try spending it looking at everything around me, and learn to give praise and thanks to God for what He has made. Paul just called to fill me in on what he's going through, and so as I spend it thinking abt God, and praying for him, I pray I can change my disposition slowly, recognizing the goodness He intends for my life, and even to see the goodness He intends for Paul's, that he might be encouraged.
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. [1]
4 Their voice [2] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
-Psalm 19
Here I am in the Guild House once again, sitting down and reading Psalm 19, while looking out through the window at the sky, the trees, the grass patch, and listening to the birds. Verse 14 says "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight". As I'm so tempted to once again bitch about my life, and about all that's going around me, I guess today I'm going to try spending it looking at everything around me, and learn to give praise and thanks to God for what He has made. Paul just called to fill me in on what he's going through, and so as I spend it thinking abt God, and praying for him, I pray I can change my disposition slowly, recognizing the goodness He intends for my life, and even to see the goodness He intends for Paul's, that he might be encouraged.
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